Kyle's POV:
"Don't you think they'd be disappointed Kenny?" I ask out of the blue, after laying there, on my bed, in silence for a while.
"Who?" Kenny asks.
"If I meet someone, and fall in love... I'd have to tell them. That I'm not a real guy. Wouldn't they get disappointed? If the person is attracted only to guys then I would not really be what they wanted." I say. Kenny smiles at me.
"Personally I'd embrace it. If the person I loved was transgender I'd embrace it. It's just another thing that makes you yourself Kyle. When you love someone everything about them becomes beautiful. And well... What's between your legs has nothing to do with who you feel like you are." Kenny explains truthfully.
"Yeah..." I answer with a smile. "I hope I'll find someone who sees it that way."
"If that doesn't work out then I'm still here, if you can't find anyone else." Kenny says with a chuckle. But there's something in his voice that almost sounds sad. Why doesn't Kenny ever just tell me out loud what's wrong? I want him to depend on me too. Yet I don't want to push it too much. I don't want to force him to tell me things. But guessing is just way too hard.
"I'll remember that" I answer, smiling brightly at him. Then I jump off the bed and start to walk towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Kenny asks with a dumbfounded expression. He sits up an blinks at me a few times.
"To Stan's house... It's best to get it all over with..." Kenny smiles at me.
"Yeah... Good luck." He tells me in an encouraging tone.
"Thanks..." I answer. "You can stay here and wait for me to come back if you'd like."
"No... Sorry... I need to get going..." He tells me. "Got some work to do." He sounds like he really, really doesn't wanna go. But I know Kenny needs the money and that job is the only thing that he has. Oh, in fact... He never told me what he does for a living... I haven't even asked. Doesn't seem like he gets to do anything fun though.
We leave the house together and then split up. Myself being on my way to Stan's house, and Kenny on his way to... Uhm... Wherever the fuck Kenny needs to be.
Stan's POV:
32 days. 32 long fucking days. It's been 32 days since Kyle left my house. He hasn't come back even once. I haven't done much really. I've tried staying away from everything and everyone. I don't want to be seen in my vulnerable, broken down state. I just sit here and wait. I stare out my bedroom window, towards our front yard, and just wait, while listening to the song All Out of Love by Air Supply, over and over again. I just wait. For Kyle to come see me. Tonight is an especially cold and dark evening, as I sit here.
While sitting here and looking out my window I've seen him several times this past month. He walked by here a few times, with Kenny. Always with Kenny. When around Kenny, Kyle has such a wide smile on his lips. Kyle looks so alive and happy and like he can do anything. It almost disgusts me. He has never once smiled like that for me. Never. It's always just Kenny. Kenny Kenny Kenny. Kyle left me. And why? He told me he needed to think. But I believe that he just wanted to be with Kenny without having to feel guilty. It's not fair. It's always been Kenny...
Even when we were kids, I always had to try much harder, to make Kyle happy, than Kenny did. I actually felt a sense of triumph when Kyle accepted my confession. I beat Kenny. Kyle's love was mine. I felt even better after Kyle started to become less interested in Kenny, and ended up losing contact with him completely. It's probably really mean and wrong. Kenny is my childhood friend, and I care about him, I really do. But I'm sometimes jealous, in an ugly way. I shouldn't be, cause Kenny's life is actually pretty shit. I feel genuinely sorry for him. He's poor and barely has enough money for food. In fact, I've seen him in strangers cars on their way to the motel. Or sometimes, if they're in a hurry, or just don't wanna waste any extra money, they just do it in the car. I know what Kenny does for a living. He has actually gotten himself quite the rumor by now. I wonder if Kyle knows about it yet...
My heart aches as I continue to stare out the window. Drops of rainwater starts to drip down, and soon the it's pouring down really fast. Then I see it. That wet mess of red hair, clinging to the beautiful boys face. He isn't just walking past this time. He's walking up towards my house.
I practically run down the stairs and swing the door open. He jumps a little, not expecting it. I smile at him. Kyle looks at me with wide eyes. He can see the mess that I've become. I've lost some weight because eating has been making me feel sick to my stomach lately. I have bags under my eyes and I'm wearing a pair of old, washed out sweat pants and a t-shirt that I've worn three days in a row now. He looks like he feels terribly bad for me. I don't care. I don't care if Kyle sees me like this.
I walk out into the rain, towards where he's standing, in the middle of our front yard. He looks at me with sad eyes and speaks to me, for the first time in long.
"Stan... I'm sorry..." He tells me in that beautiful voice that I've missed so much. He sounds sad. The rain continues to poor. It's starting to soak my clothes and hair. Kyle is already dripping wet. I can see a water droplet fall from his pretty little nose.
"It's alright... You're here now..." I say quietly. I notice that he's wearing the jacket I gave him again today. It's soaked in the rain water and I secretly wonder how well it can tolerate that... Kyle looks at me with those sad eyes again and shakes his head. Then I understand. I was right last time.
"I'm so sorry Stan..." He tells me, and I know he means it. I love you Stan but... I can't. I can't do it. Even though you are so important to me I can't... You're not the one Stan. I can't continue like this..." Every word he utters is the truth. He sounds so desperate and that's what tears me apart. It's not the words he says that hurts the most. I knew it. I already knew it. That he wouldn't come back to me for real, that we couldn't be the same. I knew that Kyle would tell me this. I knew that Kyle would want to break up. But I still hoped, so much, for this to not happen...
Tears form in his eyes and I feel stupid. I hurt him. I hurt him so much. As they fall down his already wet face I can feel how I myself start to cry. Why does it have to be like this? I feel my tears mix with the rain water as it drips down my cheeks.
I take a step towards to him. We stand there, closer to each other, for a moment, barely half a meter inbetween us. Our eyes lock and I feel empty. This is the end for us. After 9 long years it ends. My hands reach out for his and I just stand here desperately holding his hands in mine. I don't want him to go. I know that he has to but I don't want him to.
Kyle's POV:
Seeing Stan like this is painful. I really messed him up. I'm so sorry. I gave up on us after all these years. I never meant to, but it happened without me noticing. Stan's hands that grip my own feel strangely cold. They're almost too cold to be Stan's hands.
"I knew... I already knew it last time." He tells me weakly. "I knew that we wouldn't be able to go back. That you would leave me."
What he says hits me so hard and more tears escape my eyes. I thought I'd be able to stay strong but no. I can't. There's no way. My hands let go of Stan's and I carefully put them on his soft cheeks instead. I take a step closer and then I stand on my tiptoes and I move forward just a little more. As I continue to cry, I kiss him. I kiss him with more force than I've ever kissed before. I pour every ounce of my love for him into the kiss. His arms snake around my waist in that way that only Stan's arms do and he kisses me back in just the same way. All rational thoughts leave my mind for a moments and it's just us, here and now.
We stay like that until air starts to become a serious problem and we are forced to pull away. After that I take a step back and it feels empty. It feels cold. I look right into Stan's eyes. They're puffy and bloodshot. Mine probably looks the same.
After we've both catched our breaths Stan opens his mouth to speak, but he hesitates for a moment before he actually does.
"Do you love Kenny?" He asks. I don't expect the question and my head spins. I think for a moment and I'm not sure. I have no idea, so I don't say anything. Stan continues to talk.
"Do you feel at ease around him? Do you feel like he understands you? Do you trust him? Do you want his affection? Do you think he's beautiful? Does he make you feel special?" Stan asks. These questions are so easy to answer and then I understand. I completely understand.
"Yes... I do love Kenny..." I tell him weakly. A sad smile escapes Stan's lips.
"I thought so... I hope he takes good care of you then..." Stan takes a step forward and moves his face closer to mine again. He pecks my lips gently, one last time before he smiles. This time it's a genuine smile. Then he spins around and silently walks back inside, closing the door behind himself. I say nothing and I'm left standing here alone in the rain. It's cold. This is how it all ends between me and Stan Marsh. My heart feels so empty...
