Mad World

a chapter of Living Lost

by The Pop Tart Spirits

lyrics to the song Mad World are copyright to Gary Jules.


I really am going nowhere.

No one understands. I thought that perhaps you would, but of course you don't. You can't understand how anyone can be messed up. Or at least, more messed up than you.

I counted raindrops once. They were sliding down my window. I focused on them with my right eye, my left being mashed into the bed, and tried to ignore the man on my back.

You wonder why I act so tough?

I'm hurt. Badly. Bleeding, even. But you'll never see. You think you love me, think kisses and caresses and violently tender lovemaking are enough.

I suppose you'll see, in time, that they aren't.

You really are blind, aren't you, love? You can see well enough to shoot a gnat from a post at one hundred paces and not hit anything but the gnat, but those sapphire eyes of yours cannot see beneath a person's skin, into their soul. And that's the sight that counts.

I can't help but flinch when you touch me. You will never learn, will you? Dirty dogs like me don't like to be touched. And your pride is as big as the rest of you.

You take my aloof nature personally. You run away to the safe haven of Glenlivet and Duel Monsters. And then, alone and lost without you, I'm forced to kill myself.

You see the vicious cycle, aoi hitomi? My blue eyes?

I really am going nowhere…

Will you ever know how much pain welled up inside this broken, bleeding shell when I wrote that? Your nickname? Oh, my blue eyes, I love you terribly. How can you love me back? I don't understand. How can you love a mutt like me? I'm a whore, left in the dust, whimpering, bleeding, used, and broken. And there you are; so much better, and brighter, than I am. Your kind smile is like a whiplash… you don't know what you're dealing with.

I'm hurting you; I know I am. How many times will I watch your cold features crumple and your steely eyes fill; only to turn away because I know I caused you pain?

I can't hold back my tears now, love. I wish you were here with me, to kiss me and touch me in ways that make me forget my own name. But all I have is this crumpled piece of paper, a red pen, and the rain.

The door slams. He's home early.

My love, save me…

My blue eyed beauty. You're nowhere near to hear my cries.

I'm counting the raindrops again.

I really am going nowhere…

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad; the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take; when people run in circles it's a very, very mad world…


R&R