~Lovina's point of view~
I pushed my sleeves up and grimaced, I hadn't put concealer on this morning. I still needed to wash the dishes, if I put my hands in far enough no one would see all the lines up to my elbows. No one could see the past I had scraped into my arms. I plunged my hands into the steaming water and knew it was turning my arms red, Maybe they won't see the lines with my skin red.
"Lovina~," Feli called- no slurred. She had left the kitchen only twenty minutes before and claimed she was only going to have a few mixed drinks. I walked into the living room pushing my sleeves down to cover my arms.
"Feli? What-" I started to ask what was wrong but when I rounded the corner I knew she couldn't tell me. She held up the empty Captain Morgan bottle she smuggled out of the kitchen a few minutes ago with another sitting on the coffee table before her.
"I need a new bottle Lovi~!" I rushed past her and up to her room running past my room and my daughter's. I pounded my fist against the door fast and soon Ludwig opened up and I missed the door and hit his chest.
"Yes?"
"Feli. She's drunk come help me."
We rushed back down to find her laying on her back with her hands in the air a bottle busted against the floor and she was currently slicing her wrist with a shard of the bottle, blood ran in rivets down her arm.
"Luddy~" she coos, "Come drink with me!"
Ludwig works fast and scoops his lover up bridal style and set her on the counter in the kitchen, I follow and quickly drain my dishwater and pull her arm under the running water. She fakes a wince and I see how she fakes her attempts to get away when all she does is force me to hold her arm more, creating pain. Ludwig holds her and brushes her hair back out of her eyes. I hurry off the the bathroom and get the alcohol, gauze and tape. I pull her arm back over the sink as Ludwig whispers in her ear.
"Feli, I'm going to pour alcohol on your cuts now okay?" She pulls away roughly and grits her teeth, a ruse for Ludwig. "Feli, you like the pain just give me your hand its not hard to see," I snap. Ludwig looks at me skeptical as usual about me seeing something in Feli that he doesn't.
I pour the liquid on her wrist and her eyes shut in bliss not even trying to hide it from the German before her. I rinsed her wrist and quickly wrapped it in gauze and tape.
Feli takes her hand from my hold and lays it on Ludwig's cheek. Her thumb moves in soothing circles every little bit his skin is suddenly glossy, it hits me, He's crying, He's never seen someone cut before.
"W-Why?" His words are cut short by sobs. "Why do you do this?"
This seems to throw her, she stops and thinks then with tears and sobs all her own, "You left me."
You left me. He didn't leave her, per say. He left the house on a trip, to train troops, not some long term booty call! Just then all hell broke loose.
"Your never here!" she yells, "Both of you! Lovi is always with Danny or Tonio or her stupid Mafia! And you! You are out throwing cash for some hooker shove her lady parts in your face!" She hops off the counter and stumbles for the main exit of the kitchen. Ludwig beats her there.
"I am out on duty, Feli. It comes with being a major, I'm sorry. I won't be leaving for three months until then I am all yours."Ludwig tries to reason with the drunken woman. He looks at me pleading for me to fix his fiance.
"Feliciana," I speak up. "I won't leave. I can run the mafia from here. It won't take much I will only have to work for about an hour a day, that's okay isn't it?"
She gives a feeble nod and then starts all over. "Even when we were little you were never home!"
"I will stop you right there. There is no need for you to go there. We needed the money." I snapped, I knew it would only make this situation worse but she didn't need to know what happened. No one else knows.
She turns to me, "Need money?"
"Right after Nonno died I had to find a high paying job, well I found one but I could only work nights so I took it. It only paid in cash though. That was our grocery money. When it came to your dress for Prom I had work extra."
She didn't need to know that I worked the strip club for years and earned a reputation as the "Lovely Lady" and to pay for the prom dress... well that was better left in Pandora's Box as far as I was concerned.
"Where?"
She couldn't leave anything alone could she? "The..."
"Say it!" Ludwig's sudden outburst startled me, though his pleading eyes scared me.
"The strip club, have you heard of 'Lovely Lady'?" I inquired, they nodded. Dammit this was going to be harder than I thought. I let my eyes slide close and I pressed my lips to a tight line and pulled away from the counter I was leaning on I used my left hand to point to myself. I looked right in Ludwig's eyes, knowing for a fact he had been the driver for Gilbert, his brother when he came to watch my best friend, Maddie his girlfriend. Ludwig would quietly sit and watch my routines no matter who saw him. With my hair pinned back and skimpy outfits it was hard to tell who was who sometimes. He even had his brother pay for a few lap dances to which I gladly accepted, more money, and the welcoming fact that I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It was hard being a nineteen year old virgin stripper but I made it work. His eyes lit up with recognition and I hung my head. My actions pleading him not to say anything to Feliciana, his wife to be. All the deep kisses and sweet caresses meant nothing now. They never did.
"You? That was you!" I slowly nodded and looked her in the eyes. "The prom dress, how..."
"You don't need to know that. It was the biggest mistake of my life."
She is fuming now, that I won't tell her. "Oh and running away from your boyfriend to a bar to get drunk and have sex with a supposed stranger is okay?"
"Listen that was a mistake, Tonio and I were at a rough patch in our relationship!" Yelling wasn't going to fix anything but it made me feel much better.
"So having sex with Kiku was supposed to make things better!"
No all it had done was screw up my relationship more. I shook my head, "No but it was in a drunken rage, and Tonio and I have gotten over it! So stop bringing it back up. At least you haven't messed up this much!"
"At least you can have children!" She screams then breaks down. crumpling to the floor she and Ludwig sit there for a while. Finally I speak up.
"It was one month from Prom and I had just promised you I would get you a one of a kind prom dress for your senior year." Feli stops her mini melt down at my words and I continue.
"I sold it, Feliciana." She looked at me in disbelief, "I sold my body for that prom dress, I sold my Virginity for that dress, damn you looked good in it. I knew when you didn't come home that you lost yours because of the dress at the hands of Ludwig, but I couldn't have wished for it any other way. At least your lover was able to take you first." I let my head hang and she looks from me to Ludwig. A new batch of tears started, but I cut them off.
"I was given twenty grand for my virginity, the man said it was double the price of a dress there was enough for a dress and then some left over for myself.
"Four years ago I had called Roderich, and asked if he would make you the dress. He agreed said we should meet and talk about it. He offered me dinner. He said that Veta and Gil were going drinking and that we would have the house to ourselves, you had called and said you and Ludwig were going to a movie so I agreed, knowing you would be fed by Ludwig.
"He said dress nicely, a mini skirt and a thin white blouse would do. He asked me to come over around six, I wouldn't have time to change from my lingerie to a regular pair so I left it and my work tussled hair and sexy makeup just stayed, why take it off and redo it? It was only dinner I told myself.
"Dinner was a light helping of steak and mashed potatoes. He then asked me to his sitting room, we could talk and he had more space to take rough measurements." Feliciana gasped and Ludwig's eyes were as big as the dinner plates I ate off of four years ago.
"Are you finally piecing it together Feli?" Her delicate little hands formed fists and pounded against Ludwig's chest
"Liar! It's all Lies!" she says over and over again. As I continue my story.
"He led me into the next room, the sitting room and sat next to me on the love seat, we talked lengths of the dress and shades of blue. He said he thought it should end right above the knee where he placed his hand-"
"Lies!"
"I thought nothing of it though it slowly slid up twice each time I placed it back on his knee soon his fingers stuck under the hem of my skirt and a little alarmed I pulled my legs away and leaned back against the arm he then crawled on top of me. With skilled fingers he pulled my blouse off and threw it to a corner and began suckling on my neck, my bra found a new corner of the room and so did my skirt and panties his clothes were shed just as fast he leaned in close as he prepared me and whispered in my ear, 'as much as I want to take you now, I need permission Lovi' then he entered me."
Feli gasps and covers her ears Ludwig pulled her close and sat on the floor with her.
I took my sweatshirt off revealing a white tank top and bright pink bra very visible through the tank top, but the only thing they saw were the lines on both arms up to my elbows some long some short; most go left and right but a few on each arm go wrist to elbow in times of great need for release. I fall to my knees knowing that there is no way she will remember all anything that happened and tears fall down my face at the realization that I have just spilled all my secrets to my sister who won't remember anything and Ludwig, who had a mild thing for me when I danced. I feel Feli's finger trace over my arms and I let my head fall forward so they can't see the tears that are begging to fall to their deaths, lucky bastards.
Feli's fingers stop rubbing my arms and reach up to brush my tears away. I grab her wrist, her injured wrist. She hisses in mock pain.
"Oh shut it, I know you love the pain. The way the blood flows from your wrist its an amazing feeling, as you can tell I know. I see the way you hit it on things, the pain is delicious, it keeps you thinking that you mean something. Let me show you something." I stand and pull Feli up along behind me and make my way to the knife block and pull out the biggest knife, the Chef's knife and lay it on the counter. I see Feliciana's eyes sparkle at the thought of what delicious pain it might inflict. I pick the knife up and let it lay on one of the long scars from my wrist almost to my elbow.
"This knife made this line with a few nudges in the right direction I got it to cut this line. Now I will not miss lead you. At the time it was the best decision I had ever made, I could hit anywhere on my arm and have a little pain reasons for the next few on both arms. Now I know what your thinking, No you may not have this knife, no you may not try it, no you may not cut anymore. This is it. I won't let you end up like me, please, stop. I know six little lines isn't bad, but soon it will escalate to more and more soon you look like me. I am begging you to stop."
Her eyes glazed over as she reached for the knife to take it from my hand, I let her. I see Ludwig get up and start towards us, I shoot him a look and he stays back, still eyeing the knife his love holds, her life hanging in the balance; either she gives up and deals with withdrawl symptoms or she continues and looks like I do or even worse, she dies.
She lays the knife on her arm just above her six little lines with the point of the knife almost piercing the skin of her elbow, she rocks the knife and I close my eyes, praying she stops soon she pulls from my grasp I slowly open my eyes hearing no gasps, and watch as she slowly slides the knife into the block.
"No more."
