(Su)
Sitting here in the couch waiting for the one I love the most... she's gone since yesterday, she's been with Sei and Eriko... she also said that she will be staying at Sei's and I had a feeling that she's drunk last night when she called.
Youko, I love her, but she also loves that Sei. How did I know? Well, she told me that thing before, she said to me that she once loved that woman, and she came to Europe not just to study but also to forget. 7 years of loving someone? I would be very disappointed if she would easily forget that woman just like that after all that is one thing that made me fall in love with her. But now, something is different, I could see that Sei is a threat for me to be with the woman I love even for just a little time. Yes, my time in staying here in Japan is limited I have to go back there as soon as possible for some reasons of course.
Well, Since I got here, and after the last night's event I've been wondering, did Sei manage to steal Youko's heart away from me? or, did I even owned that heart... I do not know.
I was startled by the sound of the screeching of the door, and it revealed my beautiful Youko.
"hey" I said.. whilst standing up to offer my hand to her.
"hey.."
"I've been waiting for you." I said leading her to the couch.
"oh, why?"
"uhm.. we need to talk."
"okay.. 'bout what?"
"uh.. well, I need to tell you something." I said.
(Youko)
I need to tell you something...
Her words kept on ringing on my ears and why is it I could feel my heart beating so fast? `what does she wants to say to me? I do not know what to react so I just kept quiet and wait for her to tell me something. Well, I guess reacting to something right now is hard merely because of the things happened at Sei's, and for some reasons... I'm still dumbfounded by the event.
"Youko?"
"hmmn?"
"I want you to know first that I love you, and you are the only I love and will love for the rest of my life. But Youko..."
"what?"
"I'm getting married."
"what? Why?"
"it was an arrange marriage Youko, you know that I never considered marrying someone I do not love, but, they said to me, weeks before I went here. I can't do anything except for accepting the fact that I am bound to marry someone I don't love. I can't do anything because the marriage was already finalize and it was decided long ago." Oh my...
"who's he?"
"a childhood friend in the name of Alex. I've been close with him but there was never a time that I fall for him. And I think it will not happen, because only you hold my heart. And Youko?" she said..
"what?"
"I want you to be happy, that's why I accepted the marriage."
"but, i—I'm happy with you." I said.
"but not as happy when you are with her." She said..
"with who?"
"with Sei, Youko, I know that you still love her, I know that you love her more than you love me. Youko, I'm not blind. You still care for her. And for that year that we are together... I can't help myself think that I'm just a placeholder of something you cannot have." She said whilst holding my hands.
"but I love you!" I said, almost uncontrollably.
"I know Youko; I know that you loved me... that's why I pushed that thought away from my mind. I felt that you loved me. I saw how you doubled your effort just to make me feel that you love me... and that you already forget Sei. But, when I came here, you looked so troubled, as if you're wavering. You didn't even call me 'my love' when I got here. And I saw the way you and Sei look at each other: it was as if the clock had stopped its measuring. Youko, you know you can't hide from me. you know that."
"but.. Su.."
"no buts Youko.. I know you love her more that you love me. and I saw it in her that she also love you."
"Su, I'm sorry..." I said bowing my head, and she still holds my hands.
"Youko, you don't have to apologize to me. I knew—I felt—that my time with you is only limited, but I won't be selfish just because I am your girlfriend—ex-girlfriend for this matter. Youko, I know whom you really love and I want you to know that I'll be happy if I'll see you happy. Youko, please don't push your happiness away. don't push Sei away. the woman loves you. I don't want to see you in your depressing state again just because you made a wrong decision. Put all your defenses down. You'll just hurt Sei by doing that, and most of all you'll hurt yourself. Youko… let your emotions go. She loves you, you love her too… so why struggle?"
"you know that I love her, but why didn't you say anything? You merely hurt youself…" I asked feeling the tears flowing on my eyes.
"Selfish, masochistic side of me I guess. But continuing this relation I guess would hurt both of us don't you think?" I was speechless.
"Youko, let go of your cloak. Just for once, try to be happy. Try to do things your heart wants and not just because you think that's the right thing to do. If you need to break down, go.. if you need to cry your heart out, go… just let that fucking rules and limitation go. Youko, don't limit yourself on what you are capable of, you are more than that. Don't restrict yourself in loving someone. you can be near her if you want, don't just stand there miles away looking at her. That's not an act of love Youko, that's a mere cowardice." And then she enfolds her arms around me. I meditate on the things she had said. Yes, I'm a coward, a big coward, lying herself on rules, limitations and obligations. I went away to escape. Tsk, tsk, such an action from a coward.
"su, I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for breaking your heart."
"No Youko, it's also my fault. I shouldn't have entered your life knowing that you love someone. but I've said, maybe my masochistic side struck me that time." She said and smiled at me.
"oh god…you still have the guts to smile even if I've already hurt you."
"c'mon, don't be full of yourself Youko. I love you and that's it. I'm marrying someone, so c'mon. and maybe… well, just maybe.. I could also love him as much as I love you. I could try teaching my heart if I want to.." she said to me while grinning. "but at least, could I have a one last kiss from the person whom I entrusted my heat?" she added.
"sure."
Then she bridged the gap between the two of us. And kissed me, softly and briefly.
"now, I'm ready…" she said after breaking the kiss.
"so, when are you going back?"
"tomorrow."
"why is it so fast?" I asked.
"because I don't want to hurt anymore. Hahaha.. kidding… well, they need me there, and I've said that I'll just stay here in Japan for three days, to think, to meditate, and to at least find peace before entering the world of commitment. Lifetime commitment." She said. "don't be sad okay? Have a life. Take good care of yourself. And enough with those damn limitations of yours. I'll fix my things now."
"need my help? I asked.
"no need." Then she stands up to walk towards my room.
well, for me this not a good chapter.. i don't know with you guys..
but then, thank you for reading.. :)
