The First Step
It's been a sennight and half since that room where all that remains for now was nothing but ashes and soot – the room quickly filled in and walled up to be forgotten. And a few days since that night she held me in my room bringing me inexplicable strength to face everyday.
There were still too much to fix and sort I wonder if we'll be able to finish all of this before the Others come.
But at least, in the midst of this chaos of impending war and ruling the North, Sansa was slowly coming out of her impenetrable shell.
She smiled few but smiled more – and true. Not one of those masks she puts on in the face of the court.
She was even laughing.
Her eyes were brighter, her hair shone like burned copper, and she was eating more, filling in the hollowed out spaces, sharpness to softness.
And her wounds were healing, some of her scars were fading…
She was breathing again.
And so was I.
And I thought that alone was enough to make me happy but there was more.
While little by little, she showed me herself in her vulnerability – trusting me with her demons, allowing to be cared for finally… she also showed me glimpses of the gentleness of her heart.
But nothing made me prouder when she stands before the court.
Even this early, Sansa you could see was a just ruler. She listened to all before making her responses. And when she spoke, she spoke well with a grace unmeasured. But when thwarted she was ice.
A ruling Sansa was a Sansa in her element.
She was truly born to be Queen.
I wonder if she knows that.
"Did I say the right thing?" "Was I too harsh?" "I don't think they like me." "Have I offended them?"
She would ask every time when we are left alone and her shields lowered to me. And I would always tell her that she did well and that I promised I would tell her if she didn't as long as she returned the favor.
Because though I felt unworthy to be ruling beside her but she would always do things to make me lose that feeling. And because of that, she makes me want to try – to do better.
So little by little, we worked together, picking up the pieces of our home while preparing for the worse yet to come.
But before it came, I wanted to make the most of this short time of peace to make her happy and safe before I go off and fight once more. I may be busy – we may be busy but I swore to the old gods and new that I would make time for this – make time for her.
I don't know if I'll be able to come back alive from that war but I had to ensure that I leave Sansa healed.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't swear to do my damnedness to get back to her. I had every reason to come back. I could promise her that much. None of that dying for the cause nonsense, I knew better now.
I sighed. She's had so little happiness these past few years that I had to try and give her as many as I could while we still can.
It started with my hunt for lemons. Her name day was approaching and seven hells can come but she will have her lemon cakes. I wanted it to be a surprise but she found out I was commissioning lemons.
She chastised me for the impracticality of course. "Lemons in the middle of winter? Honestly Jon!" But that didn't stop her from giving me the brightest smile.
Still I was stubborn and the lemons would arrive in time because before she left me after a litany of the absurdity of my commission, she paused and gave a bashful smile. "But thank you. You are sweet but it isn't necessary. But, yes, thank you."
It was going to be worth it.
Then I swallowed my pride and asked Ser Davos to teach me courtly manners discretely. And also… how to make ladies smile properly. Almost like wooing but not. I don't know. I just wanted to know what I could do to make her smile like before when we were younger. She used to believe in knights and princes after all. I thought it would be nice if I could give some of that back to her.
The old man laughed at that but smiled kindly in understanding. He knew of my sister's torments. There was no helping the mouths that traveled in the castle.
"Aye after all that, your sister deserves some tenderness. But from what I hear there are eager lords seeking to woo her already and she is never without a compliment –
He stopped when he saw my face. I do not want to get started with talks of proposals. There was no one worthy of her and she's just starting to heal.
"Not that she pays them any attention of course." He chortled. "Her grace's icy eyes only thaws for your wolf, her Lady guard, and you, your grace. I don't think you even need to do so much. She's already most pleased when she's with you," he said.
"Aye but I need to do more," I replied. "She deserves so much. I am desperate."
He sighed. "Your grace, I guess the first thing would be to relearn your manners and just be a gentleman. It wouldn't hurt to compliment her. And flowers sometimes help. Though I heard that we shall be receiving a large commission of lemons already." He grinned.
I rubbed my face and huffed in embarrassment.
He smacked my back. "Just be yourself your grace and be her older brother. I've been regaled with stories of how your brother Robb doted on your sister so and scared many a lads who so much as looks at her. Maybe you can take it from there."
Be an older brother.
Yes. Yes a brother. I swallowed and focused.
With Bran and Rickon it was easy, and Arya was a different matter. But how to be an older brother to Sansa? Ser Davos pointed out Robb and that was a smart suggestion. Robb was the perfect older brother especially to her.
So that was how it went about. It started with thinking of what Robb used to do for his princess until eventually I was finding ways on my own. I knew my attempts were passable with some small victories but if I did horribly, she never let me know. Her true smiles may still be reserved to everyone, but to my delight, she spares no reserve for me.
We still have a long way to go but the trust was there. The past nights saw to that. There were still many things we need to speak of to each other and our interactions less awkward but awkward still but gods there was trust. The only ones we trusted with our scars was each other after all. And slowly we were healing with each other.
My smile fell when I remembered that while she may be my priority, I still had others. So now I had to force myself to go back to other things that need my attention as I've put it off too long.
Making a mental list of my duties, the top would be talking to the two Lords. Peter Baelish left momentarily to go to Moat Cailin to bring in the rest of cavalry from the Vale and would be back soon. Thank the seven though for this temporary respite from his vile presence! To his credit, he let us go about this time to focus on the aftermath left from the battle and not interfere much. Yet I knew the snake was whispering in Sansa's ear but I trust Sansa to hold her own at least until my patience wears thin or he goes too far. She still hasn't told me what they spoke about in the Godswood as my men reported to have seen, but the way she flinches at his name it wasn't good. So from then on I had him followed. I trust Sansa but I sure as hell don't trust him. He just needed to give me a good excuse to use Ghost or Longclaw at him.
But now with him gone, I was due an audience with Ser Howland Reed this evening. He's been adamant but seemed agreeable to wait until the snake left.
I was on my way yet I couldn't resist going to Sansa's chambers first. I haven't seen her all day...
"You never did say goodbye."
I looked at her abruptly but I didn't meet her gaze as her eyes were trained downward, looking at her tankard, tracing its rim with one delicate finger.
It was just as well because had she had her eyes on me all she would've seen was my mouth opening and failing to form words.
She looked at the fire, somehow expecting my silence when she continued.
"To me, I mean." She started slowly and almost in a whisper.
"You said goodbye to Robb with one of your man clasps when he saw you off…" She recounted. "Then you shared a word with our father afterwards… But before that, back at home, you ruffled Rickon's hair when you found him playing with Shaggydog and Ghost, before giving both wolves treats… you gave Arya what would probably be the greatest present she has ever received…" she looked at me then briefly. "Oh I knew about Needle." She said matter-of-factly before continuing, eyes back down.
"You even braved mother to insist you see Bran and said your farewells to his sleeping form…"she said slowly, pausing to stroke Ghost's fur as he leaned in to her touch.
"In a way… you even said your farewells to mother…"
Then she smiled at Ghost when he nuzzled his nose to her cheek before the corners of her mouth shifted into one of the saddest most heart shattering smile I've ever had the misfortune of seeing, hating myself that I put it there.
"But not to me…" she said softly.
My chest ached because it was true.
And because I failed to understand how this slipped by me.
Did I merely forget?
Or did I have my reason not to?
I never got to finish this turmoil when she started speaking again.
She shrugged. "But what could I expect then right?"
She looked at me finally and I wanted to withdraw but I shouldn't. She quirked a corner of her mouth up, claiming nonchalance. "I was occasionally awful as you've admitted and its not like I was looking for you then too..."
She cleared her throat and touched her braid.
She was nervous.
I still can't wrap my mind over this new side of Sansa I was seeing.
I've never seen her so…shy and self-conscious.
"What is it?" I pressed, curiosity getting ahead of me.
"I… I've been meaning to – All day I wanted…" She paused and exhaled. "I have something for you," she reddened which I mirrored no doubt.
"Oh?" I managed, trying hard not to look too…pleased.
She crossed the room shyly and unsure, gauging my reaction and my silence before taking my hand, opening my palm, and pressing something soft there.
"This…I… I meant to give this to you back then before you left for the Wall…should you have…or I had…" she muttered, her face reddening even more.
I immediately looked at my palm and grew incredibly still in shock and awe at what she gave me.
It was a handkerchief, a large square of white, embroidered with a grey dire wolf with the same yellow eyes from the tapestry we saw that day when we first started talking to each other as children, with a white wolf that I was sure was Ghost beside it and below as with the rest of her elegant needlework was my name.
Jon.
Simply Jon.
Not Jon Snow, just… Jon.
With colors and sigil of House Stark, she added my name…
…the implications of which were not lost to me.
I never wept much as a child, even more as I grew up. I remember I cried just that one time and never more after. But right now I wanted to do nothing more but weep as something broke in me from the gesture. Seven hells, only Sansa can manage to make me a weeping fool.
I took a deep breath.
She didn't hate me. Sansa loved me. Even then, she did.
She was still muttering about how it was all as well that she didn't give it because it wasn't her best work that it was done years ago. And she kept on belittling her handiwork mumbling about how it was just a little thing incomparable to the gifts I received from the others and how it was expected that I wouldn't need to say goodbye to someone I just merely tolerated when I took her in my arms, clutching her gift with one hand tightly, while shaking my head repeatedly.
Words failing me once more.
Surprised at first then she awkwardly patted my back with one hand, while her other hand was trapped between us.
"It's just a little thing. Honestly, it's not even my best work. What's wrong with you? I'm not mad or anything. Honestly, Jon…" she teased trying to diffuse the tension but I caught the sadness in her tone. Although I knew she was just trying to make light of it, I knew this meant a great deal for whatever her reasons were.
And just like that, I fully remembered, and I knew. As I brought her closer to me, my arms around her, with my chin on her shoulder, I kept on shaking my head.
"Don't. Sansa just don't."
"I'm sorry," she offered and that phrase sent an anger coursing through my being. Pulling back abruptly, cupping her cheek with one hand, bringing her eyes to me I seethed.
"Seven hells, Sansa! What in the seven are you sorry for now?" I demanded through gritted teeth. It always unnerved me each time she was quick to apologize to me, as if one wrong move would send me away.
For all her strength and courage, I have come realize these past few days that with me she was incredibly vulnerable – an observation that both thrilled and scared me too. I welcomed that she was finally opening up to me – finally trusting me enough with her demons but each time I thought that she had told it all, I was mistaken. She still had more stories to tell that only filled me with rage and sorrow and admiration.
But that was a different matter from now.
She held my eyes, confusion in her gaze. "That I'm an idiot that I could've just presented you this olive branch before you left? That I shouldn't have assumed you would bid me as you did the others when I have been nothing but awful. That I should've just – "
I didn't let her finish, putting a finger to her lips still shaking my head.
"No, Sansa. This is all on me."
I didn't forget.
I wanted to go to her.
I almost went.
I should've gone.
But I didn't.
"So can I tell them I saw you now?" Robb smirked after I went over to him from Arya's room.
I thought for a moment. I've said all my farewells…well…not all.
Robb chuckled. "Don't tell me you have someone else to say goodbye to? A lady perhaps?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
I frowned. "You know I have no interest in that Stark."
He shrugged and laughed some more. "Snow, it was worth a try. Wouldn't get it past you to finally get a ah…'parting gift' since you know with the vows you would take when you are finally in Black."
I huffed and deepened my frown in warning.
He raised his palms at me and grinned. "Alright, alright. Anyway, I just figured that since you were quiet for a bit, you were considering something. I know you went to Arya last because as everyone knows she's your favorite little girl and you saved your best farewell for last so if there was anyone who could follow Arya, I assumed it would be a secret lover or something."
I rubbed my face. It figures Robb would think that way but if only he knew who I had in mind he might punch himself before he punches me right away.
I know the vows I would be taking.
I know what I was giving up.
But being a bastard all my life has left me losing all interests in having relations with women. If I steeled myself to ignore them, I won't end up admiring them. If I don't admire them, I won't end up wanting them. And the bloody rest to which endpoint is of me never having to risk fathering a bastard.
There is someone I haven't said goodbye to. And she is in fact a lady. But this wasn't just someone. This was Sansa.
Seven hells, this was Sansa. My sister. I shouldn't be so stressed out about saying goodbye to my sister. Well, half-sister as she would want to correct me.
I was hoping to just casually run into her today and say a quick goodbye but I haven't seen her all day.
"So…last chance. Ready to go or do you need a bit more time?" Robb asked breaking me from my thoughts.
Ah by the seven! Everyone knew I was leaving today. She probably knew it too. And maybe she was avoiding me. Or maybe she knew and she didn't care… I don't know what I would even say to her or how I would say it. She might even say something prissy like "Why are you still here?" I don't know. I shook my head. No she wouldn't. She never had it in her to insult me like her lady mother has. She was indifferent though like I was just a guest in the house but nothing more.
"Oh. I guess you don't get to decide anymore. Time's up Snow. Uncle Benjen is heading this way."
I swallowed. There goes my answer. With one final look behind me, hoping to maybe I don't know, have a glimpse of her…maybe catch her eye and give a wave? But there was no sign of red hair anywhere.
I sighed and nodded finally at Robb. "Aye. I'm ready."
With one final look, I muttered to no one.
"Til next time then, Sansa."
Maybe I'll fare better if I write to her.
If.
I sighed.
"Then why?" she dared ask after removing my finger from her lips.
"I wanted to. I almost did. But I didn't know…how. Or if you even wanted me to. Or if you cared at all if I did or didn't." I muttered in admission, sheepishly and sadly. It was true. I really meant to go but before I figured out how to do it, I ran out of time and I had to go. I even lost hair from that.
Then suddenly she laughed and gave me a look.
"You know nothing, Jon."
And at that I blinked before letting loose a fit of laughter, bringing her closer to me in a warm embrace, giving her a long kiss on the forehead.
If only she knew the many times red-haired women have said that to me.
Then I realized, no.
She didn't say the same thing. I smiled wider.
She called me Jon.
Not Jon Snow.
Just…Jon.
And I realized that in the span of our reunion, she never called me half-brother either.
An overwhelming wave of affection came over me for this unbelievably exquisite fire-kissed girl – no – woman in my arms right now.
"Actually, we're both idiots," she added.
"Aye, that we are," I chuckled.
Then we pulled back a little, our eyes searching each other with newfound feelings and realizations… or maybe reemergence of some.
There was still a gulf between us, with many truths left unrevealed, but we were getting there. We were meeting each other day after day.
Then she gave me a meaningful look before letting out a deep breath. "I am happy to be here with you now and I'm grateful we are given this time to know each other never mind that the circumstances aren't exactly ideal... But I can't go through another day without admitting a few more things to you, Jon."
I braced myself and waited, giving her a small smile she took to continue.
"No matter how dreadful I was to you. I never hated you. Not once," she shook her head then bit her lip as shame danced in her eyes. "I... didn't like the idea of well... And mother…" She trailed off, pleading understanding.
My mouth opened then closed. Here was the truth I didn't know I was desperately seeking. Her truth. I had a feel for what that was but I wanted her to tell me. To confirm... Confirm what I have always known deep inside.
She put her hands on my face and held my eyes with her own. "But never you. Not the Jon who never let me feel left out. Not the Jon who never spoke ill of me. Not the Jon who would quietly and patiently sit beside me while I wrote. Not the Jon who would chase away awful boys sometimes quicker than Robb if they ever so much as look at me. " She shook her head slowly. "You played my knight after all, before I made you play the villains."
"I was angry at first. Very angry at the betrayal. I felt betrayed and sorrow for my mother. I understood her pain and did what I could to alleviate it. In this she only had me. But at the same time, I was confused. Confused and frustrated too. There was so much to think about and so much was expected from me from both ends that it was hard to reconcile what it was I truly had to do and feel."
She paused searching my eyes before continuing once more.
"But in the end, despite it all. Jon, it was never you…Just…what you stood for…" she admitted sadly, honestly, her voice tinged in shame and remorse.
And I understood. I truly did.
I brought my hands on top of hers that were slowly withdrawing from my face, keeping it there.
I was right then. Everything came from her fierce loyalty to her mother and I could respect her for that. I may even feel guilty of harboring a little doubt of her good intention in times she was… occasionally awful.
"I knew. Sansa. At least I hoped for it. And I am sorry for making you feel left out that one time when I promised I would never," I said sincerely.
Sansa reached forward to give me a quick kiss on the cheek before resting her head on my shoulder. I reeled quickly from the shock and supported her against me, my cheeks hurting from the smile that fought itself out at this tenderness.
"It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is now," Sansa whispered.
"Aye. You're here now. With me. Who would've guessed, right?"
She giggled and it was sweet to hear that once more. "No more than the both of us idiots."
"It's kind of funny admit it," she poked my arm.
"What is?"
"Just that… we were the only ones that weren't able to say our farewells to each other… and that the moment we left Winterfell to meet our chosen roles – you to be a sworn brother of the Night's Watch, and me to be the Queen, we knew we might not come back. And yet, here we both are."
"Different roads sometimes lead to the same castle," I wrinkled my nose as I felt a pang of misery as I remembered my – our little sister. Sansa is right though. Life was funny indeed.
"That's nice," she smiled.
I sighed. "I said that before…to Arya… when…" I stopped myself but it was too late because her smile faltered a bit.
"I imagine it was a perfect thing to say when you said goodbye to Arya," she said softly with no trace of ill feelings, only sadness.
"Hey. I really – " I started but she shook her head.
"She was always your favorite. She loved you best too. And I'm grateful for that. She cancels out all my awfulness to you both." As she said that I couldn't figure out if she was jesting or somehow serious.
"Well we had to stick to each other you know. You and Robb were the golden twins, us merely shadows," I teased.
She huffed. "As the eldest son and eldest daughter much were expected of us."
Then we shared another laugh but it was a bit terse. Now I truly understood that jokes were really half meant.
"You know, I've always harbored a little jealousy of you," she admitted looking away in embarrassment.
My mouth hung and my brow crinkled. "You? Jealous of me?"
She looked at me then, incredulous. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world before walking over to the window sighing. "I've always known I was...different. Gods, I prayed everyday to be anywhere but here far far South and grow to be the Southern Lady like my mother was before she married father. It's not that I was unhappy here. It's just that... I know what people say when they look at me. I don't look North. I don't act Northern. And...our siblings... I was their true blood sister yet... when I see you with them I feel that they see you more as their own than they do me. Well, Robb was the exception of course but he was the only one...so I prayed to be somewhere I can be accepted just as easily. And then I think I only drove them away further when I chose to side with mother."
Oh Sansa. I walked over to her then, my hand itching to touch her but I stood still beside her giving her space.
"Do you remember that one time Robb found you crying in your room? The one where Beth Cassel and her brother made you cry?"
She looked up at me and nodded, frowning. "Yes. It was the time I tried to bake kidney pies and it tasted awful. They told me that it was expected for me to fail. They never expect a lady like me to ever need to cook not when I could have someone do it for me. Then they told me to never attempt to cook or bake ever again since the pie I baked was the most awful thing they've ever tasted. But I worked so hard on it, I even burnt my fingers. But then that awful brother of Beth's threw my pie to the floor. I cried so much after!"
I remembered that day very well. And we all had a taste of that pie. It was truly awful but we all saw her working tirelessly and almost all night at it.
"But the following day, what happened? Do you remember?" I urged.
She looked up and thought. "Well, when I saw them they apologized profusely. And never again did they insult me - wait." She looked at me suspiciously. "You all did something to them, didn't you?"
I burst out laughing.
She smacked me. "What? Tell me!" She hit me again.
"Alright, alright! Stop hitting me! Mercy!"
She frowned but waited.
"Well, while Robb consoled you, our younger siblings had murder and mischief in their eyes. Arya said 'No one gets to make fun of Sansa other than me!' Then Bran said 'How dare they insult their lady? Sansa worked so hard on that awful pie!' And Rickon of course echoed whatever they said. And before Robb and I could stop them, they were already catching frogs and gathering dung to fill their beds and rooms. And Robb of course, told them off. You should've seen his face! And I didn't do anything to stop them."
She looked dumbfounded then trying but failing to hide her grin. "So that's why the Cassels smelled funny! And... oh! Father found out didn't he? Is that why all of you had to clean the kitchen for a week?"
I continued laughing. "Aye. But it was worth it. We're all crazy protective of you because we know you'd never fight them back. You were too forgiving and too much the gracious lady to lose courtesy. And it was the first time, I think that we've ever seen you that upset at the hand of others. It unnerved us all."
She finally smiled. "I didn't know."
"Of course not. We would never admit it to you. We know that you would be prissy about it and tell us something like 'That wasn't very nice' or something."
She shook her head disbelieving. "You still should've told me. I would have been prissy but I would have thanked you all the same."
"Anyway, you had nothing to be jealous about. They were as much yours as they were for me. Maybe even more. I'm sure they didn't mean to make you feel left out Sansa. If you only knew how much they adored their sister, especially the young ones. Robb was Robb but Bran was always going on about how much your approval meant to him and Rickon was always messy but he only straightens up before going to you. Hell, we all were most of the time. Maybe you didn't see it but they - we were always trying to reach you too. Even Arya. Seven hells, Sansa, Arya would probably skin me alive for telling you this but she didn't hate you but you are her only sister and well, you both excelled in different ways. Do you see where I'm getting at?"
As understanding shone in her eyes, she nodded and smiled sadly.
"I miss them," she sighed.
"Aye. I do too."
"I wish I knew all of this before. Maybe things would've been different," she looked at me with a mix of regret and longing.
I let out a breath. "We were all children with different dreams then. Again, how could we have known? But we're here now. Together. That's the only thing that's willing me to keep on. We've lost so much but we're gaining so much too."
We stood in agreeable silence then, the sorrow and longing for our missing siblings lingering in the air between us mixed with the gratitude that at least we still had each other now. Then she looked up at me and smiled shyly, a hint of color gracing her pale face before her eyes lit up.
I cradled her face with one hand and brushed her cheek. "It's just you and me now…at least until Bran or Arya come back. But right now, it's just us two."
She nodded, warmth spreading over the cheek under my thumb and I couldn't look away from her bright eyes.
And just like that I felt a stirring. But as quick as it came, I demanded it away. It's a door that when opened would bring much confusion and feelings that would never go away, avalanching until its felt.
I don't know if I'll ever open that door or if I even want it to, but I knew that now wasn't the time.
Instead I refocused on the gift she placed on my hand.
"This is…why?" I didn't have enough words to pose my question.
She blushed deeper as she spread the handkerchief over my palm and traced her needlework. "Before a knight is sent off to battle or a tourney, it is customary to receive a lady's favor for luck of all things…"she ended with a shrug playing it off.
I sucked in a breath.
I guess this is how we'll always be, Sansa and I. I'm always being caught off guard with no words for hers. But her explanation rang deeper than she lets on. And it is not unnoticed.
"Forgive me, Sansa… but I am no knight. Even less then than now," I chuckled, but my eyes were pleading for some confirmation – a confirmation that I have buried beneath layers and layers of armor.
She smiled kindly. "You weren't. You're not. But you are more." She looked up at me then, her eyes holding secrets and stories. "I knew your dreams, Jon. I knew why you wanted to take the black. I knew why you chose it. How can I not help but respect you even admire you when I can recognize the same stories you believe in?"
Her words rang true.
I wanted it all.
Once upon a time I've dreamt of nothing more than to be someone even if it meant giving up so many things. If taking the black was what it took to become something more than just a bastard, I dreamed.
And I shouldn't be surprised that she of all people would know, she who believed in a life of songs and beauty. She would know. But it still seems so unreal like a dream that it was truly Sansa who knew me. After all the dancing around each other, stepping on eggshells, she of all people, understood me most.
"And…" her voice broke me from my emotions because I found myself not getting enough of her revelations.
"And… I chose the sigil because no matter how it was between us, I had to let you know… that before you are reborn again in the Wall as someone who forsakes everything for duty… that you are a Stark. And that I know you are a Stark…" she said firmly, her eyes pleading at me to believe her.
And I did.
I brought her to me then, tighter than before, my knees giving way, bringing the two of us half-kneeling on the floor, with me clutching her tighter, never wanting to ever let go.
Like I said. Sansa Stark had the biggest and most beautiful heart in the world. And I wanted nothing more than to just keep her here, shelter her away from everything that could hurt her. Never again. Never again.
"Now I feel even more of a shite that I never went to find you and say goodbye," I muttered.
She patted my back and gave a soft chuckle. "So…I take it you like it then?"
"Shut up Sansa. You know I more than like it," I growled.
"Oh dear, I shudder to think of what you did alone when I gave you your new cloak?" she teased.
I laughed for the hundredth time today then I pulled away slightly to look at her. As if my lovely kin cannot look anymore beautiful, looking at her warm kind smile right now was like watching sunrise – the kind that starts slow before it blinds. And this was something coming from a northerner. This was too much for someone like me to ever deserve.
We were so happy in this moment but I had to make a stupid comment that quickly turned the mood over.
I cradled her face with my hand and rubbed her cheek with my thumb. "Thank you, Sansa. I can't believe – you mean to tell me you had this with you all this time."
She blushed for the hundredth time today and ducked her head away from my palm. "I guess I did…" Then a change came over her and I saw the sadness cling to her eyes once more. Why didn't I just stop at thanking her? I remained silent, praying that this sadness was fleeting – that our joy now was more but some memories have triggers and I walked into this one.
Then she lightly traced her stitching on the cloth still on my palm, her other hand covering that palm from below. "When I wasn't able to give it to you, I brought it with me. When we left for King's Landing, I knew I wouldn't be able to come back…at least not for a while or maybe not at all what with…" she trailed off.
Her betrothal. I spat in my mind.
She tucked a loose strand behind her ear and shrugged. "I was to be a proper Southern Lady and before I knew it, this became the only thing that reminded me of where I came from – reminded me of the North," she whispered the last part.
I let her continue, soaking in each word without interruption. I watched as she spread the handkerchief fully on my palm, slender fingers rubbing the Direwolf embroidery almost reverently, sending tiny shivers on my hand that coursed to the whole of me.
"Each day from the moment they took father's head… each day I had to lie – forsake my name – at night I would take it out and remind myself. The North remembers – I would chant over and over my mind like a prayer. The North remembers… Winter is coming… A Stark endures…"
She swallowed and closed her eyes tight.
"And I endured. Oh I endured. I had to play a part. I had to – I had to Jon," she pleaded at me, her eyes threatening with tears.
I took her face in my hand and shook my head. "Sansa. Sansa, listen!" She shook her head and kept her eyes shut, not letting a drop of tear fall. There was no more sadness but icy anger overtook her.
I placed the handkerchief on the table so I could cradle her face once more. "Sansa, stop. Look at me. Please."
Reluctantly she did.
"I know. And you were so brave and strong, Sansa. We can never fault you for doing what you could to survive. Never apologize for that again," I said forcefully, willing her to believe. "Actually I want you to stop apologizing. That's all you've been doing since we've reunited."
She gritted her teeth then she brought her hands to my wrists, giving them a forceful tug before settling tight. "I wanted to die Jon. Every. Day. I had to tell everyone I had traitor's blood. Every. Day. I had to say it so often until the words didn't feel like fire on my tongue anymore, nor were they ashes I choked on each night at my privacy, until they felt like nothing… Father was a traitor. Robb was a traitor. I had traitor's blood. I was loyal to Joffrey, my one true love…those were the songs they made me sing. And I did. All with a smile on my face. Every. Day. Each time I felt I was betraying every one of you. I even felt that I deserved it all."
I was about to protest but she pressed on.
Her gaze broke from mine to look at the favor on the table once more. "And then I look at that and it brings back, little by little, the Stark they so try to claim from me. So I endured and offered my tears only to the direwolf. It gave me strength. It gave me reason. I swore from then on I would always be a Stark no matter. I would endure all until the time came when I could finally fight for our name."
If I were to look into a mirror, the only thing I would see was awe. I was in awe of her. Will I ever run out of things to admire her for?
She looked firm but etches of bitterness showed while a stray tear finally escaped.
I took her gift and made to use it to wipe her that tear but her hand stopped me.
"It's not for me to use anymore," she said with a small smile as she wiped the last of her tears. "I was lost before, but now I've come back. I am a Stark. And now you must remember too. You. Are. A. Stark."
I was speechless.
"I stopped believing in songs long ago." Then she placed her hand at the back of my neck. "But I believe in you and you are worthy of one Jon. Yours is a new song."
My mouth was open, incredulous at her words and my heart was impossibly full. I wanted to tell her that she was the one who deserved to be sung about. She was the Winter Rose of the North. She was the Red Wolf that rose from the ashes and delivered justice. They should be singing songs of her.
Then she touched her forehead to mine and wrapped her other arm around my waist. "But I know that your song is not yet finished. Like I said that night, I know Jon. I know you are tired. I know you've fought too many battles but we both know there are more to come. And time will come again when you will ride off and leave."
Then she pulled back a little to look me in the eye. "I won't forgive you if you leave again without a word to me. Not ever," she said seriously but her eyes had a jovial spark in them.
I gulped and shook my head, desperately choking down a cry. "Never." I managed to blurt out, gods this woman. Gods I was exceedingly moved.
I swallowed again. "I will never say goodbye to you. If I do manage to leave your side I will come back. I promise."
She gave a small laugh and grinned before taking my hand in both of hers. "Silly Jon. At least wear my favor then, yeah?"
I took both of her hands in mine, her gift trapped in them. "Always."
I kissed both her hands. "Seven hells, woman. You're turning me into a blubbering girl."
She chuckled. "Now, now Jon. I practically called you a knight and yet you shame yourself with foul language. Maybe I should retract my favor."
I shook my head. "You are never getting this back from me."
She rolled her eyes but otherwise looked pleased.
"It's not very ladylike to roll your eyes," I couldn't help it.
She was about to snap at me but then burst into laughter instead. A genuine laugh that at first I was too stunned that she was actually laughing and that I had a part in it then I couldn't help but laugh along with her.
This was nice.
I laughed. And just like that we finally put to rest all the misgivings of our complicated relationship from the past and we could finally focus fully on the present and the future.
As if she couldn't surprise me more, she suddenly stuck her hand out at me, her eyes glinting with mischief.
I cocked my head at her in surprise when she suddenly smiled and curtsied. "Hello, my name is Sansa. It's a pleasure to finally speak with a gallant knight as you, ser...?"
Not missing a beat, I bent down and kissed the back of her hand and answered. "My name is Jon, my lady. And the pleasure is all mine. Might I also add that your name is as exquisite as your smile?"
She tried to bite back a laugh but continued. "You are too kind, my lord. I must say, you have a way with words."
I shook my head and bit the inside of my cheek from laughing. "I had a very good teacher, lady Sansa." I winked.
She smirked. "Then you are a good student."
"Only because I only say what I only mean, my lady," I grinned then smirked when she reddened. "I do try my best to learn some things, my lady."
Then we finally burst out laughing.
"Everything is backwards. Now we're playing knights and maidens?" I chuckled.
She shook her head and giggled and it was a beautiful sight. "Oh cruel world, you jape us so," she said sarcastically.
Then I brought her into another hug. "But seriously, thank you Sansa. I'll do my level best to be your knight. Fair warning though, I have been told I know nothing."
She giggled once more and leaned in. "Oh no. Maybe I should've given it to Tormund."
I squeezed her then. "You would never."
She laughed then squeezed me back. "Don't worry, you have an excellent teacher."
"That I do."
She pulled back and grinned, one that finally reached her eyes, "For what it's worth…I do love you, Jon. Even then, only now I do more."
My heart felt like bursting.
"You know nothing, Sansa Stark," I all but growled.
She laughed then stopped when she saw my face which was nothing but serious.
"You don't know the value of your love. I know that it is too much for someone like me. But I'll be damned if I don't die trying to be worthy of it," I pledged.
She doesn't realize it. Even when we were children, no matter how hard she hid it or raised her shield, I knew her heart was as beautiful as her and she would show it unknowingly time and time again. And how many times has her heart been crushed?
And to see a spark of that heart still alive in her forcibly hardened one only made me love her some more. I've seen darkness. I've been in darkness.
And so had she.
How can someone who came from darkness still come out burning brighter and hotter than the sun?
"You've already earned it Jon. I love you."
I knew that it was nothing short of sisterly love but a part of me yearned for something… I stopped myself then.
"For what I'm worth, I love you too Sansa."
We beamed at each other then she reached out and took her favor and looked up at me. "Ser Jon Stark, will you do me the honor of wearing my favor?"
Filled to the brim with awe I nodded at her fervently. "I would be honored to wear it, my lady. I will keep it safe and close to my heart at all times when I next don my armor. But for now..." I took the glove off my burnt hand and presented it to her. She gingerly took it on her own, traced the burnt tissue and kissed it before wrapping the handkerchief on my hand and placing the glove over it.
I couldn't do anything but just stare at her. Stare at Sansa.
Again the stirring came. And it was dangerous. And it was wrong. But it was there. I love Sansa. I've always loved Sansa…even then. But now… I love her more and more. And I keep on finding reasons that make me love her the more I discover every facet she would offer.
…and it scares me.
I said that I would do my best to make her believe in songs again and I'm happy that somehow…she was getting there. Before when I said that I wanted that, I meant that maybe one day she could meet someone true and brave and gentle for her – someone who deserves her. I meant only to be a stand in for that, be her protector – someone who she can rely on now and always first and foremost.
But deep down when I allowed myself to admit it…
I so desperately wanted to be the one to give her a new song to believe in.
"But I believe in you and you are worthy of one Jon. Yours is a new song."
I smiled and can't help the satisfaction creep in.
Would it really be so bad?
I sighed.
Then I thought of Robb and how he treated Sansa as if she hung the moon and spoiled her to no ends.
Wasn't that what I've been doing?
Being an overbearing older brother?
Of course.
Of course that was all there is.
I scoffed a laugh.
Of course.
Shrugging it all off, I made my way to my chambers to wait for Ser Reed.
Of course. I repeated over and over.
Then I tasted copper.
I hadn't realized that I was biting the inside of my cheek too hard I drew blood.
AN: Oh boy. Sansa just helped Jon come to terms with him being a true Stark and its helping a bit to quiet the confusing feelings. Well, the teensiest bit anyway as he is still able to bring back Robb. But how will meeting with Ser Reed affect him?
So, I won't be able to update in a while. I have a lot on my plate right now but I estimate that there will be only maybe three more chapters of this. Again, this story is about the evolution of feelings and changing roles. So once they've settled, that would probably be the best way to close this exploration. His transitioning feelings are after all the journey of Jon's story here.
Again, thank you so much for the support! I appreciate all the comments and suggestions.
Much love.
