Title: Not the Same

Author: D (pleasefuckoff)

Rating: M

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.

Author's Note: I've finished school! And I'm ready to start concentrating on this fic! Yay everyone. :] Now if only my favorite fic would update. meingeheimnis, if ever you happen to read this, I'm begging in my own fic for you to update. haha. Anywho, here's the next installment of NtS. We have a few more chapters until we hit the lovely NSFW section which is a big section so pardon me. I'm disclaiming now that I am not a pervert. I'm not. :[

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I'm not sure what happened between Katie and Emily. I just know that Emily woke late (like she always does) and without a word, got dressed, ready to leave. She still looked rather pissed, so I really didn't want to push anything. I tried, though, tried to talk to her, or get her to talk to me. I pled her even, but she wasn't listening. She just said she had to go home. I stopped her before she left, placed an awkward kiss on her cheek, and leaned back against the wall as she opened the front door to my house and left.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'll admit I'm a little scared. My mum's cancelled her dinner with Kieran to spend time with me. She's concerned. Frankly, I'm a little concerned myself. I'm acting like a lunatic. A complete lunatic. I wonder, as I stick a fork at my food, if Emily's eating now. Or if Emily's still arguing with Katie, or if they're even speaking at all to one another. Not knowing is killing me. Emily hasn't phoned me. It's been forever. In the span of my entire life, a day may not be a lot, but it's forever for me. It's driving me mad.

"Did you want to go to the cinema today, darling? Or possibly go out for some ice cream?" The look of disdain I offer her should be a clear no, but I can't really be mad at her. Mum's just trying to get me out of this mood I've been in since Emily left. I'm not even trying to hide it anymore. Emily leaving made me upset. I'll even tell her.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Why won't you just tell me what's happened? What is it?" When she looks at me, I feel like if she keeps looking, she'll eventually know. Know that Emily is why I'm upset. That Emily Fitch has branded every inch of her daughter's skin with her lips and tongue. That the name Emily Fitch is spelled everywhere on me. I look down at my food.

Or maybe I won't tell her. Because I'm a coward. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I do tell her. "Just not feeling well, mum." I lie through my teeth as I clean off my plate. I don't want to be in this house anymore. "I'm going out. Got to clear my head." I say and make it past her before she can object.

At a loss for what to do, I find myself just walking the sidewalk in any random direction. Every time I think of Emily, I walk with more determination until my feet ache. I want her to call me. I want to hear her voice. Jesus, I need to hear her voice. I'm so worried that she's not okay, it's nearly killing me. And what if she runs away from me? Emily's always been the one to stick around. I shove her away, she comes back. I'm afraid she's not going to come back this time. The thought of her running from me breaks my heart.

Except that's exactly what I've been doing to her, isn't it?

I am so very stupid. Shaking my head, I sigh, readjusting my purse just as I hear my ringtone pour out of it. I close my eyes and pray that it's Emily.

But it's not. It's Effy. I guess it's not too shocking. With everything's that's going on, Effy doesn't really have too many friends. No offense to her or anything. It's just Katie and Freddy together, which I'm not sure she knows about, then Cook being Cook, and Pandora off with Thomas, where does that leave her?

"Hello?" I pick up the phone, slowing my pace as I walk. I've been walking forever now.

"Hey." Her voice comes through the other side softly and effortlessly, everything that Effy is, or puts on to be: soft and effortless. "Are you going to Thomas's event tonight?" Right. He mentioned that. I shut my eyes to try and calm myself a bit because the first thing I think about is whether or not Emily's going to be there.

"Possibly." I say, not because I have something to do, but because I really don't think I'm up for it. Loud music. Alcohol. Drugs. Loads of strangers you don't have to speak to. Actually, that doesn't sound all too bad. "Yeah. Yeah... I'll go." I amend, chewing on my lip.

"Great." She says, almost sounding excited by it. Not completely though, it's a very mellow kind of happy, completely different from that of her best friend. I imagine Pandora isn't going with her if she's asking me. I'm not putting myself down or anything, but I'm not prime choice when it comes to the world of Effy. I look at my watch, the gold one I never take off, to try and calculate how far off this event actually is. Since it's already, seven, I suppose I should walk back and get ready.

She's hung up and I shut my phone in turn. I guess I have something to do now. It's probably better this way because if I have something to do, I won't think about her as much, or I'd like to think I won't.

As much as most of me says I won't, part of me knows I will.

The walk back was even longer than the walk to... wherever I was. I'm amazed I walked that far to begin with. By the time I return, I see a note from my mum. She's gone to Kieran's and the thought of that makes me shudder. Then again, someone in this house deserves to be happy, and after everything, I'm fairly sure that someone isn't me.

I get to my room and get ready... thinking about Emily the entire time. My room is filled with memories of her. The few memories I have with her flood through me because they're stronger, happier, more intense than any of memory I have in this house. Everything else seems to pale in comparison.

This is all sorts of pathetic, I think to myself as I get a move on. I need to get the fuck out of my room. I need to stop thinking. I need to just get away because I don't need her. I don't need her so I need to stop acting like I do. I call a taxi because seriously, I've done enough walking for today. The driver smells like beer and although I'm not sure it's a good idea to be in the car with him, it's only a short drive.

We arrive without incident. Thank Christ. I pay him and he grunts something I don't bother to decipher as I get out of the car. The line is extremely long and I soak in the glorious thought that there will be a building packed full of people who have no clue who I am. I shuffle my way through the crowd until I see Effy.

I don't think the people behind me are too please that I've just jumped their line, but I really could care less what they think. They should appreciate I at least said sorry as I pushed past them. "Hey." She says to me when I near her, and I give her a good look up and down. She doesn't look too well, a little shaken, and a bit of a mess, even for Effy. Effy is always a beautiful mess, just now, and I don't think it's just the poor lighting of the lamps outside, she seems a bit more undone than usual.

"Are you okay?" I ask her, concerned with what's gone on. There's been so much going on. There always is, it seems to be, with the people I hang around with. She gives a tightlipped smile and shrugs off my question, like it's nothing. I know there's something but she doesn't want to talk about it. I can tell my her body language. It's not all that hard to read.

"No Cook?" I press, assuming that that's what's happened. Maybe they had a little tiff or something. Or maybe Cook's done something stupid, the way that Cook always does something stupid. Now she's a little confused even though her facial features are trying not to let on that she's baffled by what I just said.

"Why would there be a Cook?" She asks this a little defensively, her well-sculpted eyebrows raising in emphasis. Why wouldn't there be a Cook?

"You're seeing him aren't you?" I try and reason, fiddling with backpockets of my floral skirt. She doesn't look one bit pleased where this conversation is going. I feel like I'm totally off base. I'm usually much more attentive than this. Maybe I just misread the signs.

"Fucking him occasionally, I'm not... seeing him." The words 'seeing him' seem to disturb her a little bit. Fucking him. Seeing him. Isn't it the same thing? I drop my hands and lean back a bit, very confused. Is there a difference?

"There's a distinction?" I felt like sleeping with Emily, however brief (and enjoyable) a moment it was, constituted us as 'seeing' one another. Wrong?

"Yeah." She says weakly. I don't know who she's trying to convince: me or herself. I nod, taking this information in. Effy and I don't often talk and neither of us have ever given one another the notion that we wanted to get to know one another. I take this in and try to apply it to Emily and myself. Was I not 'seeing' her? Did I-do I have an obligation to her? Any obligation? Are we together? So many unanswered questions. Questions I know I can get answers to, but questions I don't ask because I don't want to know the answers to.

"No Emily?" She asks me and it stuns me, like she can read my mind. I'm filled with a sense of embarrassment and fear. I open my mouth to say something, but before I can, Effy halts me. "Truth." She demands. I know she could tell I was about to lie my fucking face off, so there's really no point in trying to lie some more.

"Is it that obvious?" I ask, not able to look her in the eye as I do so. Is it some open secret that everyone just seems to know? JJ knows. Katie and Freddy know. I think Cook knows, but then again, Cook is Cook, half the things he says are just to get people riled up.

"Don't have to be a genius to work it out." I smile. I suppose that's true. After everything that's happened. Effy watched me stare at Emily for three days. She'd have to be a special kind of stupid or a very ignorant and oblivious twin sister to not be able to work it out.

She smiles back at me and I think the conversation's finished, but it's not. "So?" Effy asks expectantly. So what?

"So I'm straight." I counter exasperatedly. I feel like I'm defending myself here, like I'm doing something wrong and I need to prove myself innocent. I don't like that feeling.

"You sure?" She asks, almost immediately. Am I? Am I really sure?

No. No I'm not. I take a moment before looking her dead in the eye, "If I said no... then I'd regret it." I'd more than regret it. I'd be brandished for the rest of my life. I get enough shit now from Katie and Cook. I can't imagine the kind of shit I'd get if all those 'rumors' were true.

"Probably... but... not because of me." She says in an apathetic way that's more caring than anything I've heard from Effy in a very long time. She smirks at me and I smile back, a little relieved really. I look down and give a rueful look before looking back at her.

"We're objects of lust." I say sarcastically.

"Making you feel good?" She asks, obviously entertained by this notion.

"Not really." I quip back quickly and seriously.

"So, I say that we go in there and get so monumentally fucked up that we forget all about-" That sounds like splendid plan. I smile at this, but notice that she hasn't finished her sentence. In fact, she's not even looking at me. She's looking back at the end of the line. Curiosity dictates that I have to turn around. When I do, who is it I see but a bit tall shaggy looking head sticking out above the crowd near the end of the line. Freddy. With Katie in tow.

For an instant, I'm relieved because I don't see Emily and if there's a Katie and there's no Emily, then there's no Emily at all for the entire night. She's probably at home. Which is a good thing for me because as much as I want to see her, know that she's okay, I don't want to see her. I can't deal with that yet. As much as I want to be there for her, I'm not sure I'm even there for myself half the time. I don't want to fuck things up. Seeing her would be too much. For both of us.

He looks at me as well, and a flash of hurt and shame passes through him. I recognize that look. A look that says, 'I'm not with the person I should be with'. I've given myself that same look all the time, telling myself I should be ashamed because I'm not brave. Not brave enough for her. Then, like magic, I put it all together. My mouth drops open. No way. No. Way.

"No." I say and Effy looks up at me, a little afraid. I look back to Freddy and Katie just to make sure I've got it right. Yep. Very right. "Oh my god." I can't hold back the shit-eating grin that is busting through onto my face. She tries to say no, but the look in her eye is saying yes. Very much yes. "That's fucked up." She says no again. Effy's been fucking Freddy's best friend when she... and she... and he obviously... That's completely fucked up. "You love him."

"No." She says again, more emphatically than ever, but there's no denying it anymore.

"Oh yes." Very much yes. "You love the lips." I am too proud of myself for figuring that one out. It really doesn't take a genius to figure out, I guess. "Oh my god. Go on, lie to me." I dare her, "I want to see this."

She doesn't get a chance to respond. Thomas is calling us over and up to the front of the line. I expect her to say something, but she doesn't answer. He's calling Freddy and Katie over now and I'm watching Effy just to gauge her reaction. She's stone silent.

Thomas is completely obvious to the awkwardness that washes through all of us when Freddy and Katie come into proximity. I'm fucking her sister. Effy's fucking his best friend. What a pair we are. I try not to look at Katie. I know she's right next to me. "Hey." She says hesitantly and I'm surprised she's said anything at all, let alone something... not insulting. I wait a moment, but she doesn't say anything more than that.

"Aren't you going to be bitchy to me, Katie?" Especially after everything that's happened with Emily? I'd almost like her to bitch me out, just so I feel like there's a penance for treating Emily the way I did. Not that that alone would be enough.

"Yeah sure..." She says, still hesitant. "Give me time." I don't know what she means by that and I sure as hell do not trust her. And just when I think that the moment can't get more tense or awkward, Thomas announces there's more friends. Cook. Cook and JJ. Never say never, I suppose. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Thomas is just obliviously happy.

"The band est formidable. Formidable!" He seems so excited. "Everything is great. Everyone is together. Panda is coming." I'm mildly surprised by this because Pandora doesn't normally get let out so late in the night. After meeting her mother, I can see why. "And Emily is already here." What? I look at Katie and she has the same shocked look on her face.

"Where?" We look to each other as if asking the other person if they knew anything about this. I didn't. Not a clue. The look on her face is telling me she doesn't either.

Somehow I don't think this is a good thing.