AN: I know the beginning is rather slow, but you should be satisfied by the ending. :)
Chapter Seven: Rewards
I had never had reason to speak of Jasper's scars, or to ask of them, until now.
We had been fine, a busier day than usual. I tried to focus on the visions while he took me window shopping, and he held my hand the whole time. It was funny to see how shrugged my hand away whenever somebody looked at us for too long. He was so easily embarrassed, yet so comforting at the same time. Deep in thought, he seemed to be distracting himself from the emotions of the people around him, and also the scents that clung to the fabric of our clothing.
Winter was a better time. An easier time. The cold weather meant that less people ventured into the icy streets, instead begging for hot chocolate and warm blankets. I know that he secretly loved to walk on the sidewalks, pretending he was just another face and not someone struggling internally more than they could bear.
Winter was much, much harder, too. It made us both crave the warm, liquid sin we were denied. And the substitution we'd been having was starting to get to him, slowly. The unhappiness hid behind his eyes as I watched each and every of his decisions to cheat. I kept stopping him.
On this day while we walked, I saw some hint of fresh anger and pain. I had kissed him, quick and chaste on the mouth. He had pulled me closer, and I ran my nose over his cheekbone as he lifted me up. The moment I kissed the scar below his ear he flinched. Flinched away from me, a low sound rising in his throat. Growling.
"Jasper," I began to say, but he was already searching for apologetic words. His decisions changed between leaving me, and fixing everything. He couldn't think of a proper phrase.
"I'm...It's...It's nothing, Alice." He breathed deeply, his eyes turning away from mine for an instant. "Sorry."
I mirrored his breathing. "The first secret. Momentous." He reeled from the sarcasm which dripped from my tone.
"It's not something I'm purposely keeping from you!" He argued. "I just think there are some things... that you wouldn't want to know."
"That's a lie, and you know it. I chose this. Everything that comes along with you is just another part that I want with me. I don't resent anything." I was thankful for the near-empty streets, for the eyes I wouldn't have to meet if he looked away from me again.
He grasped my fingers gently –always gently– and apologetically whispered, "I said I was sorry, and I meant that."
I stopped starting to forgive him, completely frustrated with how we both were behaving. It wasn't loving to beg for information as I was doing, but it also wasn't loving of him to deny me that information. I could see now that it was the key to everything—a make or break decision. "No, Jasper. If you were sorry you'd see that I'm trying to help you!"
He sighed and we both stood there for a moment, a thousand moments, waiting for the other to say something. He was worth the pain I felt right now, worth all of my effort and his combined. I could almost feel him reminding himself of this, too, as if he needed a reminder to continue to exist. He squeezed my hand and then let it go, so quickly that I only felt the air that caressed my fingers after his absence. I had to consciously tell myself not to worry–he was still standing there.
And then, as if I'd been waiting for the right moment, I slid into his arms and rested my head against his chest. He wasn't surprised or concerned, just accepting of how hopeless I felt. We weren't meant to be this way. Not hoarding secrets, and definitely not hoarding secrets from each other. He had his past, I didn't have mine, and we always comforted each other through the unwelcome thoughts that was this burden and absence of burden. I knew when he was broken on the inside, and he knew when I wished I understood if I had been broken, or loved, or a coveted child.
But I didn't know what he was feeling right now.
I realized that it might be easier for him to tell me this way, holding me but not looking me in the eyes. I could see the visions of him finally breaking down, words forming on his pale lips. He contemplated this for a long time, trying to decide if I could handle whatever it is he was about to say.
"I assume you've heard of love marks, Alice." his voice was still dark, though his words retained some humour. Of course I'd heard of them. All the time.
I nodded, against his chest still, trying not to hear the crack in his voice. He was going to tell me something about Maria, now, I could feel it. I didn't even need to look in the future to know that. And as much as I knew he was right –that Maria was something I didn't always want to know about– it hurt me that he hadn't shared much about this part of his past.
He paused again, waiting to make sure I was calm before I continued. Knowing this, I tried to make my breathing more even, focusing on tranquil thoughts. When he was satisfied, he began to speak.
"Maria wasn't like you, Alice," he began, "She didn't work based on a system of honesty, she worked on a system of...rewards."
I knew what he was saying, then, and I could imagine the earlier years of his existence more clearly. I could see her embracing him, roughly kissing him..controlling him. My breathing hitched in my throat, and I swallowed the venom building.
"...If I pleased her," he said, barely whispering, "she would put on a passionate front. Pretend to love–to be anything she thought I wanted her to be. She would...she knew that spot was my weakness. She longed to make me shudder."
I tried not to wince at those words, but it was impossible. He knew it bothered me anyway. He could feel it. But even stronger than my desires for him to stop speaking were my desires to know how my actions had bothered him.
"If I displeased her," he continued, "there were methods of punishment used. She would pretend everything was normal, try to entice me, and then cause me a great degree of pain. That spot was the one she would use. She scarred it with her own teeth, and she called it a love mark."
I considered this for a while. It was difficult to see Jasper as being easily swayed by this woman –certainly not to the point where she would control him like this. But if there was any reason for his hesitation towards me –towards anyone– this could be it. To think that he was taken advantage of in a way such as this was horrifying. Especially since she had claimed love.
It was a crime in the most extreme sense of the word to call what she did to him 'love'. A love mark, when he was already scarred inside and out because of her. If that was love, than I had no hope of becoming someone like that for him. There was no way I could torture him until he screamed and cried in agony. But she had. She had tortured a vulnerable, impressionable child. He was barely more than that when he was in her company. She had used him.
"Jasper I...I didn't mean to remind you of..." I felt myself pause as the word formed in my throat. Maria. The one thing he lived for, however long ago it was. And now I was the one who came after her.
He smiled grimly. "Alice, you couldn't remind me of her if you tried. It was the memory of a touch, not a...well I guess you could call her a person. There is no comparison–no concrete analysis of the two of you I can make. I regret every day I spent with her."
I knew that he was telling me truth. There was no hint of him ever wanting to visit Maria in the future. No, he was going to be a part of our new family. We were going to be happy together –happier than we already were– and we were going to be complete.
I felt him disentangle himself from me, and the hesitation in his arms as he did so. The realization struck me again that we were in the middle of the sidewalk, and it was starting to rain. Just little drops, not a downpour, but it still comforted me that this rain was one I would be standing in with him.
He pulled my right hand in his left, spinning me towards him. We swayed a bit, a sort of dance as the rain picked up. He breathed deeply, the thick scent of water in both of our nostrils. I felt myself inhale, too, smelling the dirt from my skin as it was trapped in each drop of moisture. Everything smelt suddenly sweater, too, as if spring was that much closer.
I encouraged him to move his feet until he settled into a slow waltz with me. I found myself asking him when he'd learned to dance, and he just shook his head slowly, moving it back and forth until his whole body was telling me he never had learned. That was a funny thing, because I had never learned either. Or if I had, I didn't remember it now. Dancing was just something you did when the world was telling you to. When someone up there had pulled you with them, attaching strings to you and conducting your movements. It was just our nature, every being's nature to move along with them. I didn't think we were required to learn how.
"I guess I danced a bit when I was human," he said slowly, closing his eyes while he moved now. "For parties, or when girls were fond of a soldier such as myself. I asked Maria to once, maybe not in so many words but..." he trailed off and I knew what he was saying. She liked other kinds of fun.
But we were dancing, something he seemed fond of. I enjoyed dancing with him quite more than with myself, if I was being completely honest. Even if I wasn't being honest, it would be obvious by my body language which I enjoyed better.
I mirrored Jasper's actions, closing my eyes softly and concentrating on the feeling of rain trailed from the crown of my head to my shoes. Each drop felt like a warm, human finger on my skin. It was an unusual, comforting sensation.
Jasper was considering taking me to a hotel room so I could bathe. It was a decent idea, since it was hard to exist around humans with the current state of our clothes and skin. And I had a feeling he needed the time to think, to choose, without having me drag him around anywhere.
"To a hotel it is," I declared, unaware of having decided the entire thing myself. It was his decision, but in the end I was the one making it.
He laughed softly, pressing his lips into the part of my hair. "I'm still not quite used to having you say things like that, based upon visions of what I 'decide.'"
When he put it like that, the entire notion was preposterous. But I didn't think of it like that.
He was the one pulling me for once, down the streets past all kinds of men and women carrying umbrellas or just trying to bear the 'cold' rain. Some of them would spare a glance, either repelled by the grime on us or entranced by Jasper's beauty. I giggled as a man stared at him for a good two or three minutes, turning his head completely backwards as he walked down the street. It seemed I wasn't the only one who could see beauty in him.
"This one," he said softly, pointing to a brick, shabby looking motel. Really, shabby was all we could afford at this point, but we could have easily snuck into a room at a wealthy hotel. No problem. But if this was where he wanted to stay, we would stay here. I nodded casually, trying to take money out of my coat pockets to go to the desk and pay.
He stopped me, pulling a fistful of bills out of his own pocket. "No, Alice. I have money." he lowered his voice, breathing into my ear. "I accumulated some funds from the people I killed while in the military. And I had no use for money, then."
Of course he would say something like that. But he had his mind made up, so I didn't even feel the need to object. It wouldn't cost much, certainly. Still, I felt my face melt into a grimace and my anxiety began to rise. I always liked buying things, because I enjoyed to watch the person's face when they served you: a mixture of shock and awe.
"Now, now, darlin', don't look at me like that. I'll just pay and then we can get ourselves cleaned up, alright? You just sit tight." I smiled at his words, then, and found a seat by some semblance of a front desk.
I couldn't sit still, though, and found myself fidgeting uncomfortably in the chair, counting things like paint strokes on an abstract flower and cracks in the wall. I counted to thirty as quickly as I could in what I suspected was Spanish. And then he was done.
"We're number thirteen," he said, lifting an eyebrow. I shuddered, trying to fit my hand in his while reserving some of the calm inside of me. He could feel all of my anticipation certainly, rising off me in forbidden ways.
He squeezed my hand in a warning to calm down, and I did slow my breathing. I could have sworn that I felt my heart squelch in my chest that moment, beating one fast, surrendering beat. It accepted that it belonged to someone else, now, and shouldn't even be in my body. I smiled in spite of myself, barely realizing that he had opened the door with the tiny key, and that we were now both inside.
I watched as if out of body while he turned the knob on the bathtub and put the plug in. The water spluttered in the pipes, and then came out in a short burst. In its own time the water began to fill the vessel, smelling slightly of rust and possibly mould. But it was cleaner than either of us right now.
Without even thinking I filled up the sink with water, pulling my dress over my head and submerging it in the water. I started to scrub the dirt off when I realized Jasper was still in the room, staring blankly at the water with his back hunched over. I had made a mistake, I realized, and quickly tried to correct it with words.
"Oh, Jasper, it's okay. I can leave, or you can," I murmured, "Please don't look so abashed. I just needed to wash this, you know?"
He nodded, keeping his head down.
Satisfied, I continued to wash the dress and then hanging it over the edge of the tub. Jasper covered his eyes so he couldn't see me in the reflection. It almost made me laugh. I was a little embarrassed, but then remembered that he wasn't innocent. With all his talk of Maria and rewards, I hadn't thought he would be so ashamed of a female body.
"I'll be out there, Jasper, after you get cleaned up," I whispered, impressed by my confidence, walking to the other room wearing only my shift. I didn't feel as exposed as I expected, but probably only because I'd exposed every ounce of my character and emotion to him already. He knew everything that I was and wished I was.
I could hear him in the bathroom, still, the faint sound of the water hitting the side of the tub. I wondered if he was bathing or washing clothes, or if he was just sitting there. I had no idea, really, and I didn't want to look ahead.
I sat myself on the bed, thinking about what would become of us. I'd seen the ring that he'd decided to buy, but only because he thought I wanted to be like a human girl. A human girl who was engaged, just like any other. But in truth I knew he thought it was just a formality, and didn't really understand what it would mean if he did ask me. I wanted to marry him more than anything. Even if we didn't marry, I would love it if he put in the effort to ask me.
I knew that my soon-to-be-sister Rosalie was married. I knew all of the Cullens, actually. Not so far as to know their interests or the like, because I didn't look at their futures much. But I did know that she was married, as well as the mother-figure Esme. Edward was the only unmarried one, and he would probably not take well to another pair moving in. But I could see him liking Jasper when we eventually met up. And, of course, Edward would be the best friend I ever had!
"Alice?" I heard a meek-sounding voice from behind the bathroom doorway, and I could only assume it to be Jasper. "Do you want me to bring the dress for you? It's not quite dry, but I'm sure it'll—"
"No, Jasper, it's alright." I really want you to just come here, already, I said angrily in my head. I'm sick of you moping in the bathroom.
He walked out slowly, averting his eyes from me completely. When I sighed with frustration he did look at me. But only my face, of course, not even a glance at the rest. I sat up, cross-legged on the bed. He did a strange thing, taking off his boots and laying them reverently by the bed before taking off his shirt.
Then he handed it to me.
He gave me a look as if to say, "Put it on" but I knew it wasn't "Put it on, I can't stand to look at you." It was his way of being polite, I supposed. Still a gentleman.
I murmured a word of thanks, and then he slipped into the bed beside me. It was then that I began to tell him –really tell him– about the family we were about to become a part of.
AN: this was an extremely hard chapter to write. I've been very busy with school, and have been receiving emails from people -coughyourselfcough- who think that I'm dead or otherwise incapacitated. No this story is not over, and it won't be for a while. I'm just busy and I don't have much time to write. Besides that, I had major writer's block. Even though I'm not satisfied with the beginning, I like the end.
Please review. We're almost past my review record for my other stories.
