In which things continue to get better.
The second person to help fix Spock is himself – his other self. Not long after their return to Earth Spock prime calls in to find out what has occurred, knowing from his own experience that they cannot have got out of an encounter with Khan too lightly. On hearing the basics he talks with McCoy from a screen in the corner of Kirk's hospital room. Spock listens to them discuss medical details for at least half an hour. He is struck by the near panic at first in Spock's voice which turns into the extreme concern that only another Vulcan could recognise as being so.
Not just another Vulcan – he reminds himself – That's me. That's what I sound like
when I'm panicking. McCoy is right – I sound like I could not care less. Spock you're
a – he searches for the right word and discovers a small internalised Kirk voice that he
has always carried around with him and almost enjoys calling himself a total jerk. He remembers when internalising Kirk had been an annoyance at best but it now feels extremely comforting.
He does not listen to the words but he hears the warmth in Spock's voice as he talks to McCoy. The warmth of a friendship that will never be expressed in a sentimental manner but always hiding itself under laughing insult. It is love all the same.
Eventually his counterpart calls him gently –
"Spock are you there?"
It is hard for him to move, to leave Jim's side for any length of time. So much of him fears that if he lets go of his hand he will never take it up again – that one of them will slip away. But he goes over to the screen and McCoy gives him his seat, trading places with him.
"Mr Spock" he says, not knowing what else to say. Thankfully Spock prime senses his predicament –
"I understand Mr Spock – words are not always easy or sufficient. The doctor has informed me of the situation – believe me I understand –"
Nobody has attempted to say this to him yet and, not knowing how to respond he answers foolishly –
"I do not see how you could"
His counterpart gives him that long hard look he knows well enough – he has used it himself often enough to signify as Kirk would doubtless say – bitch, please.
"I would rather I had died" Spock confesses softly, to make up for his mistake – "I – could have lost – I did lose him – I do not know what I would have done –"
Older Spock looks at him steadily –
"I do" he says – "I lost my Jim almost a century ago –" Spock can hear in his voice how hard it is to speak of it – "Believe me, in all that time, the only hope I have been given is seeing the two of you – If he had died you would have ended up like me – indeed worse. This is not what I would wish for you. You have had no time – the doctor tells me you have not even –"
He pauses and Spock cuts in quite angrily –
"Do you think I do not know that? There is so much to fix, so much I need to make work – you are not the first person this week to tell me this –"
Spock looks at him querying –
"Lieutenant Uhura –" Spock explains – "We are – we were- " he struggles to find the right word, but his counterpart comprehends and raises his eyebrow considerably –
"Then there is more to fix than I thought" he says – "Spock, I wasted too much time. We both did. In the end none of the things that kept us apart had any meaning. Human life is too short anyway, my Jim's –" he stops, struggling, Spock can see him pull himself together with effort to continue – "All that mattered was the time we had and those years are all that has sustained me ever since. You have the chance for so much more – do not let go of this chance."
"I shall not"
Spock nods and Spock reads the nod correctly as "Damn right you won't"
"May I ask –" Spock says, tentatively – and more flippant than he has been in weeks – "What has occurred regarding your policy of non – interference?"
Spock Prime almost smiles –
"I considered it – illogical in this instance"
"That's Vulcan for stick it up your ass Spock!" McCoy calls from across the room. Both Spock's turn to look at him –
"Thank you for that analysis Doctor" they reply.
"Christ" mutters Bones – "Now I'm getting it in goddamn stereo!"
_x_
Most important of all in getting Spock through the fortnight is doctor McCoy. He is there constantly, initially just for Kirk but he soon comes to realise that in taking care of his friend he is doing the same for Spock. In the first few days he treats him for shock in spite of all Spock's protestations that he should be focussing solely on Kirk –
"Damnit Spock there's no difference!" he breaks eventually – "You two clearly come as a package and it's my job to take care of the whole parcel!"
Spock is embarrassed by how obvious this has become to the doctor, but also relieved that he no longer has to hide it.
Throughout his near constant vigil at Kirk's bedside it is McCoy who ensures he occasionally eats, drinks and even sleeps, though he has to give him insidious hypos to ensure latter, Spock often dropping off in his chair, his head falling on Kirk's shoulder, his hand still in his. Now and again McCoy suggests he change his clothes or sleep in a bed, Spock replying every time –
"I cannot leave him doctor"
McCoy sees how pained he is at the very thought, how lost his eyes look at the thought of even being in another room – and he does not press the questions, just re – asks them ever day and occasionally brings in changes of clothes. He never asks Spock about the feelings that are so clearly visible in his eyes, he does not need to – and Spock is grateful. He even comes to not mind the doctor occasionally patting him on the shoulder in a manner that is comforting, doctorly and friendly. He can feel the sadness that McCoy is feeling too and loves him a little for it. When he says his habitual –
"I cannot leave him" for the tenth time one day McCoy bursts out –
"Damnit Spock! Call me Bones!" he scowls, frowning and then mumbling – "I'm starting to miss it". It occurs to Spock that only Kirk ever called him that and understands the doctor's frustration – it is the same for him – that the things he misses the most are all the little things. Even so he cannot stop calling him "Doctor" – anything else just will not come out of his mouth.
Two weeks later McCoy brings word that they all have to appear at a meeting to clarify events that will lead to the secure containment of the seventy two cryotubes. Spock does not want to go and says as much.
"Damnit Spock, neither do I!" snaps Bones – "But we have to at least make an appearance – I've cleared it that I can leave at any time due to my responsibilities –" he indicates Kirk. Spock half glares at him for having that opportunity and Bones rolls his eyes – "I've cleared the same entitlement for my other primary patient –" Spock frowns at him and the doctor sighs, exasperated – "That's you Spock, you pointy eared idiot! You could at least thank me!"
Spock feels himself almost smile for the first time since he can remember –
"Thank you –" he says – "Bones".
It sounds so awkward that they both grimace –
"Yeah –" says Bones – "Maybe not."
_x_
Sitting in the meeting reminds Spock of how much he has lost the ability to interact with people in the last two weeks. It had not even occurred to him that McCoy had had to register him as a patient to allow him to spend so much time at the hospital without anyone questioning it. The fact that it had not occurred to him, he supposes, is proof enough of how badly he really has been coping. He struggles to really hear what is being said and when he does tune in on the recap of events it feels like they are talking about people he has never heard of. He is pathetically glad that Bones is there to steady him with his presence and a hand on his arm when he really starts to lose focus.
All of a sudden everything changes. Like he has just woken up the clouds in his head are cut through with light and everything looks real again. A consciousness, a voice so clear it stops the whole world being blurred, making him jerk upright so hard the doctor looks at him in concern. That voice, suddenly, inexplicably in his head –
Spock!
Spock where are you?
How'd I get here – on the floor? Can feel you just the other side of the glass – Spock please don't cry – no –
It is as though a transmission that was sent two weeks ago is finally getting through. He can sense such confusion as the consciousness focuses –
No no that's not it, yes you are my friend but it's so much more than that – Spock I'm scared – Spock please don't let me leave without telling you this one thing – I –
The scrambled thoughts coming together into a pinpoint of light –
Falling, darkness breaking, falling back to Earth, need you – need you – be there to catch me –
Spock leaps to his feet, clutching the doctor's arm, eyes wild, breathing fast, all that new life, new awareness rushing back –
"Doctor –" he says, breathless – "We need to get back –"
He is coming – he thinks loudly and McCoy's eyes widen in complete belief as he senses Spock's excitement, sincerity and rush of joy –
He is coming back.
_x_
Yaaay! Kirk back! Things getting Spirky again in the next section!
