"Date? Whaddaya mean a date?!" Vito had completely lost it.
"Go on. Take a seat. She's been waiting all evening for you." Eddie grabbed hold of Vito's shoulders, walking him to the empty chair and forcing him into it. Vito grunted before Eddie detached his hands from his shoulders.
Joe appeared to have been pretending to powder his cheeks to pass the time, holding one of those hand-mirrors with the blush pad inside. He'd applied a little too much, as his cheeks looked like pancakes doused in powdered sugar. His eyelids were way too smokey, and the coating of lipstick was so strong that some had even gotten onto his teeth. Vito wanted to laugh, but he was afraid there would be dire consequences of doing so.
Vito opened his mouth as Joe shut the mirror with a snap. He couldn't quite make out what to say. This wasn't Henry, or some broad. This was Joe; someone he couldn't necessarily take seriously.
"Uh... hey, Joe. What's with the get-up?" Was it too late to ask this?
Joe frowned at Vito before exclaiming, "Joe? Joe?! My name is Josephine! I can't believe you don't remember! Oh my god, we went out in high school!"
"Huh?" Vito spoke in thorough confusion.
"Josephine? Josephine Barbarina? You went to prom with me when I was a size 6! I gained a few since then, and I've been looking for a man who can put up with my mood swings and weight gain. I need a man who can still see me for who I really am beneath all this luscious lady meat."
Vito furrowed his eyebrows and his lips parted. Was this some kind of joke? It had to have been.
"Well?" Joe continued his tirade. "Are you just gonna sit there and stare at me? Compliment me."
"C-compliment...?"
Joe banged his fist on the table threateningly. "Call me pretty!"
Out of pure intimidation, Vito blurted, "You're pretty!"
Joe scoffed, pressing his hand to his heart in an offended manner. "Pretty? Is that all you can come up with? I put on makeup for you. I fit my rolls in his two-sized-too-small corset for you. I fit my jumbo ass in this little dress, my feet in these horrible shoes, and I even put on underwear for you! Not only that, but I shaved! From my toes to the folds beneath my armpits. And all you can come up with is PRETTY?"
"Okay, FINE!" Vito shouted. "You're beautiful, lovely, gorgeous! God damn!"
Joe's expression changed from that of rage to contempt. He crossed his arms and turned up his nose. "Hmph. Over-achiever."
Vito rubbed his face, releasing an exasperated sigh. Eddie had been standing off to the side, snickering. Vito flashed him a dirty look from afar, demanding to know just what the hell was going on.
"Alright, Joe, cut the bullshit." he began. "What's with all this? The table, the candles, your clothes. Why? What're you trying to accomplish?"
"I told you, it's Josephine!" Joe shot back. "I thought you were a gentleman. I guess I was wrong. This date was a waste of my time. I could have gone on a girl's night out, gotten my nails done, AND watch a sappy romance movie all with the time I've spent with your sorry ass!"
Joe slammed his hands on the table, forcing himself up and out of the chair. With that, he stomped his way out the doors, shoving them open with his arms out at full length like a diva exiting a show.
Eddie approached Vito, sitting in Joe's previous seat. "Congratulations, you've failed the fuckin' test."
"Test? What the hell—"
"I was at the cathouse last night when you and Joe came by." Eddie explained, not beating around the bush. "You'd walked out with some angry hag while Joe was getting some. I had a talk with him while you were getting some practice, and we came to the conclusion that you need help. Lots of it."
"Help? Oh, right..."
"Joe told me everything. About you wanting to spill your guts to Henry on Christmas. Quite some fuckin' goal. Sounds like some cheesy soap opera if you ask me."
"So what kind of help are you trying to get me?" Vito's voice changed from that of ashamed to more demanding.
"There's five days remaining until Christmas. Five days to get your shit together. Five days to learn how to be a romance fuckin' master. With what you have now, you're not gonna stand a chance. Henry will reject you before you get the first word out. I know."
"You know, huh?" Vito cocked an eyebrow.
Eddie's brow softened. "Yeah, I've been there. It's not easy."
Vito squinted. "Wait, did you...?"
"Yes, I tried." Eddie crossed his arms and sat back. He had a somber expression. "It wasn't exactly on Christmas. Valentines Day, to be exact. Got him a box of chocolates. I had done some digging around, found some information about him. I wanted to know what kind of shit he was into. He was a chocolate addict. I'd found some receipts in the glove compartment in his car. Some candy wrappers too. Henry eats more chocolate than a woman on her fuckin' period. How he stays thin, that's beyond me."
"Uh huh... your point?"
"Anyways, I went up to him, gave him the box. I laid out some smooth talk on him. I felt confident, like the king of the fuckin' world. I could feel the warmth of the sun blasting out my ass, and in that moment... you know what I got?"
Vito raised an eyebrow, and Eddie confessed.
"A simple head shake. A head shake. And it wasn't no simple head shake. He'd shut his eyes and rubbed his forehead. I didn't see even a spark of interest in his eyes. What the fuck? I thought. What had I done wrong? I'd been the smoothest talker, and my words have been able to make panties drop to the floor in an instant. I got him chocolate. His favorite, too! I can't remember the name of 'em, but they were these round candies wrapped in gold. Expensive as hell. And he turned me down."
"Sheesh, that's—"
"He took the fuckin' chocolate too!" Eddie's demeanor was that of both enraged and bitter. "That had never happened to me before. I tell you, just when I thought nobody could resist me, there I was, makin' a fool outta myself."
Vito was at loss for words, and filled with intimidation at the same time.
"I don't know what it was about me. What did he not see in me? I have potential! ...maybe he thinks he'd better than me." Eddie's eyebrows furrowed once more. "He was born with a silver spoon in his fuckin' mouth. Raised by a consigliere of a top-notch family back out in Sicily. Doesn't know a good man when he throws himself at his mercy! Fuckin' princess... thinks he's too high and mighty for me. If I could, I would show him. I would show him just what he's fuckin' missing out on, that ungrateful CUNT..."
"Eddie, Eddie! Holy shit, you're scarin' me!" Vito leaned back in an attempt to further himself from Eddie's rage.
The underboss's face had become a bright shade of red. "Sorry..." he slicked back a piece of stray hair, trying to catch his breath. "It still stings, ya know? Just... if I was you, I'd back down. It's not worth it. You'll do everything in your power to gain his interest and he'll rip your heart out in an instant. You're too good of a guy for him, Vito. He's an ice-cold succubus; gorgeous at first glance, but he'll kill you for pleasure."
Once Eddie had finished speaking, Vito nodded and stood to his feet. "Thanks for the advice, Eddie, but... I'm gonna keep trying. Your experiences and mine are different, and... I... I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I'd still like your training. As fucked up and weird as it is, I feel better knowing someone's behind me in this."
"Behind you... huh." Eddie stood. "Fine. If you wanna get yourself hurt this bad, I'd be more than happy to assist you. Only because once he delivers that stake to the heart, I'll be there to laugh."
"Alright, then. We have ourselves a deal." Vito didn't really think there was a deal there, but he wasn't the type to give up. Whatever it is, there was some sort of error in Eddie's method of getting Henry's approval. Vito didn't have a method, but nothing but raw confidence.
With that shard of confidence, he'd evolve it with the help of his comrades.
