Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of the brilliant Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. I'm making nothing off of this little tale of mine.

Summary: Everybody worries that Kate is once again going down the rabbit hole as she struggles with something that she thinks none of her friends will understand. She has no idea of how wrong she is.

A/N #1: I'm using late November as the setting for the next two chapters, coinciding with the original airdate of 'Kill Shot.'

A/N #2: I've read a few post-Kill Shot stories which have Rick following Kate when she has the meltdown in the office building. As much as I'm sure he would've longed to follow her, I don't believe that he would have, for two reasons. 1) He knows what a private person Kate is and he wouldn't want to feel that he was intruding on her torment; 2) I think that if he had followed her, Kate would've shoved him away.

Remember that at this point in time, Kate thought that she could still do it all herself.

A/N #3: This chapter is going to feature more of Det. Javier Esposito. The scene between Kate and Javi in the property room was my favorite scene of the whole episode. I think it was wonderful of Javi to show Kate that he understood without him babying her.

Chapter 7: Private Torment

November 22, 2011

Kate Beckett's team knew that something was seriously wrong with their boss. Her eyes had once again acquired the haunted look that she'd had the previous summer following her shooting. The look that she was once again being chased by ghosts, as Javi had reported to Castle.

Watching her, Castle tried to remember when that look had returned to her face. It had started a day earlier. They had been called to investigate the death of a young woman who'd been shot randomly in the middle of the morning. He could still remember what Kate had been wearing that day. A white shirt and a cranberry colored blazer, her dark hair pulled back into a bun. They'd been laughing and joking with each other as they approached the body, just like dozens of times before. She'd told him that she was going to be going to see some guy named Roger about something called resistance band training.

"It sounds like a form of bondage," he made a face.

"Castle, does everything have a sexual connotation to you?"

"I'm a man, so yeah, pretty much."

"I'm still trying to get my upper body strength back following my shooting. Roger's my physical therapist."

"So, you're still having some problems with that?" He asked, trying to mask his concern.

"Yeah. It's okay, Castle. My doctor told me that it could take 18 months, maybe longer, for my body to bounce completely back."

The changes had subtly started after they'd visited Lanie in the morgue. As Castle, and Kate, listened to Espo's and Lanie's explanation about how bullet that had shot and killed Sarah Vasquez had come from a sniper's bullet Kate could feel all three of her friends' eyes on her, wondering how she was going to take the news.

"Guys, it's okay. I'm not going to crumble to the floor screaming. I'm tougher than I look. Let's catch the son of a bitch, okay?"

With that, she turned and quickly left the morgue, leaving Castle and Espo to look to Lanie for answers. "You heard the girl. She's tougher than she looks. I'll let you know if I find anything else," Lanie said dismissively as Castle and Espo walked out.

"Do you believe that she's okay?" Castle asked Esposito as they got on the elevator.

"I don't know, bro. Do you remember how she froze when she came back on duty?" Espo reminded Castle as he nodded. "We'll watch her. She knows that we have her back."

***CCC***

Castle was cooking breakfast for Alexis and Martha. He was trying to keep everything light and upbeat, unwilling to discuss the case with either of the two redheads in his life. "Daddy, do you think that it'll happen again?" Alexis asked over her scrambled eggs. "Do you think that the sniper will strike again?"

"I don't know, pumpkin. I certainly hope not. I don't want you to worry," he smiled. "I want you to go to school and do whatever it is that seniors do these days."

She was about to say something when Castle's cell phone rang. Her eyes focused on her father when he looked at the caller id, unable to escape the sigh that escaped his lips. "Det. Beckett?" She asked when he simply nodded.

"Sweetheart, maybe it's something nice and grisly," his mother tried to assure him as only Martha ever could.

"Maybe you're right, mother," he smiled as he hit the 'answer' button. "Castle."

"Castle, we've got another one," Kate's voice came over the line.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. It's the same M.O.," she gave him the address. "I'll meet you there."

As he hung up, Castle couldn't get over how tired Beckett had sounded, how defeated. He wondered if she was okay.

"Another one, Richard?" Martha asked when Rick got off of the phone.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I want you two to be very careful today, okay?"

"We will, Richard," his mother assured him.

"I will, daddy," Alexis came across the counter to hug and kiss her father. He couldn't resist holding her just a little tighter as she embraced him.

***CCC***

One look at her upon his arrival at the crime scene confirmed his worst nightmares. Taking one look at his partner told him that Kate definitely wasn't all right. Everything about her was different this morning. Gone were the bright, cheerful fall colors she'd been wearing the day before. Today she was dressed completely in dark colors. Her eyes now looked haunted and terrified, the same look that he'd seen when he'd first seen her this past summer.

As they walked toward the body, Castle noticed how jumpy she was. Her eyes were scanning everywhere, up, down, and sideways. "Kate? Do you see something?"

"No, I'm just looking."

"Yo, Beckett!" They saw Espo motioning them over.

They were talking to Espo when a squad car pulled up at the curb, giving a quick blast of its siren. The guys and Lanie were shocked when Kate immediately dove for cover. They didn't say anything as she looked up at them, embarrassment clearly written all over her face. She didn't say anything, but instead took the hand that Espo offered while he helped her to her feet.

"What in the hell was that?" Lanie asked after Kate had walked off to talk to Ryan.

Castle just looked at Esposito, who had a look in his eyes that the mystery writer had never seen before. In the four years that Castle had known the two detectives, he'd learned that while Esposito was fond of giving Beckett a hard time, there was also more of the brother/sister relationship between them. He was always the first to back her up and vice versa. "Espo?" Castle called out as the detective finally looked at him.

"Come on, we've got work to do," he said as he went back to the task at hand.

As he followed behind Espo, Castle caught Lanie's eye and saw the concern that all of them were feeling toward their friend. Lanie had been to hundreds of crime scenes with Beckett and had never seen her react the way she just had moments earlier. The Beckett that she'd always known was take no prisoners and tough as nails. That woman she'd just seen diving for cover was not the confident woman she'd known for so long.

***CCC***

Kate had never walked out of the bullpen in the middle of a case before. But, the feeling that she was suffocating became overwhelming. She knew that if she didn't get out of there, she was going to blow up into a million pieces. She hit the number on her speed dial as she took the stairs two at a time. "I'm dying! I need to see you now!" She shouted into the phone.

"Can you be here in 10 minutes?"

"I'll be there," she ended the call and went outside to hail a cab. Right now she didn't trust herself to drive.

She arrived at the brownstone office building eight minutes later. His office door was already opened when she walked in. "Kate, come on in," she heard the familiar voice of her psychologist calling out to her. "You sounded frazzled on the phone. What's going on?"

"I can't breathe," she sat down and put her head between her knees.

Of course like every other person living in New York City, Dr. Burke had heard about the shooting the day before. After learning that it was a suspected sniper, he had an idea of how it was going to affect his patient. For a while now, he'd had a feeling that Kate's problems weren't due to panic attacks, but to PTSD. She was showing all of the classic symptoms and she wasn't the first police officer that he'd treated for it. "I had a feeling that yesterday's shooting might have an effect on you."

"There was another shooting this morning," she said, with her head still between her knees.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't know that. Another woman?"

"No, it was a man this time. But, everything else is the same. I was there this morning and everything was so loud, just like it was last summer. I was afraid that he was up there watching us. I could hear his footsteps behind us. I just want to know that I'm okay," she got up as she began walking around the room.

"Kate, the panic attacks, the hyper-vigilance, the nightmares are all pointing to the same thing. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"I don't have PTSD," she argued as she continued walking. "I'm not a soldier returning from combat. I'm a police officer!"

"You were also shot six months ago," he reminded her.

"Can't you just give me a pill or something to help me through this?"

"Drugs can help, but they aren't the answer. Kate, you're not the only cop in this city. Maybe you should consider taking a step back."

"I can't step away from this," she argued.

"Does finding him have anything to do with the fact that no progress was ever made on your case?"

"No! It has to do with the fact that people are dying!"

"Kate, I think that this case has brought forth issues that you haven't dealt with yet regarding your own shooting," he pointed out.

"Look, right now I can't afford to sit down and get weepy over a couple of scars. I thought that you were supposed to be helping me!"

"I'm trying to help you, Kate," he said in his usual quiet, gentle voice. "There aren't any drugs that I can prescribe to you because I can't write prescriptions. There aren't any magic words that I can tell you because you still can't come to terms with what happened to you in that cemetery. I've given you my advice. You can either take it or not."

"Then you know what? I'm fine," she said stubbornly as she got up and left his office.

She walked out of the office building in a fury, quickly walking to the curb to hail a taxi. How dare Burke sit there and tell her that she has PTSD! She hadn't just come back from three tours of duty in Iraq or Afghanistan. She was a New York City homicide detective with a sniper to hunt down. All she'd wanted was something to make the nightmares and the flashbacks go away. Just one night she wanted to go to sleep and not be awoken with memories of that day in the cemetery. Maybe her regular doctor could give her something.

Stepping off of the elevator back at the precinct, she desperately tried to avoid the other officers who were hurrying all around her. She spotted Castle across the room. She knew that he was watching her, just like the rest of her team was watching her. She knew what they were all thinking. That she was about to fall down the rabbit hole again.

"Are you okay?" Castle asked when she returned to her desk.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere," she mumbled. "I just needed some air."

She turned and headed for the ladies room, not looking back toward her desk. "Is she okay?" Castle turned to Kevin Ryan, who was standing at his side. "Did she say why she left like that?"

"She just said that she needed some air."

"In the middle of a case? We hadn't even added the information to the murder board, yet. She's never done that before."

"I guess there's a first time for everything," Castle turned to face the Irishman.

Espo was out chasing down a lead, but Castle knew that he wanted to talk to him when he came back. He remembered the look that he'd seen on the detectives' face when they'd seen Kate dive for cover at the previous crime scene. The look that said he understood what it was that she was going through.

He jumped when the phone on Kate's desk rang. After letting it ring a couple of times, he reached over and picked it up. "Det. Beckett's desk," Castle answered.

"Castle, is Beckett up there?" Lanie's familiar voice came over the line.

"No, she's away from her desk."

"Can you send her down here when she gets back?"

"Do you have something?"

"It's not murder victim related, Writer-Boy. It's a girl thing."

"She won't talk to you, Lanie."

"Espo texted me that she actually walked out of the bull pen. Believe me, she'll talk to me or I'm going to be smacking her."

"I'll tell her that you called, Lanie," Castle said when he saw Kate walking back toward the desk. "Lanie just called. She needs you down in the morgue."

"Okay, let's go," she turned toward the elevator.

"She didn't ask for us. She asked for you."

"I'll be back in a few minutes, then."

Kate bit back an irritated sigh as she stood outside the double doors of the morgue. "Girl, you'd better get your skinny ass in here before I smack you into next week," Lanie called out when she noticed her friend stalling outside of the doors.

"Lanie, do you have anything? Because if not, I have a sniper out there shooting people from rooftops."

"Kate, we've known each other a long time. I've seen veteran cops puke and pass out at crime scenes. I've never seen you so much as flinch. But, this morning you went for cover like someone was shooting at you. What gives?"

"Nothing, Lanie. I was jumpy and when that siren went off inches from my head, I reacted."

"Uh-huh. Is that why you walked out of the bullpen a while ago?"

"Who have you been talking to? Castle? No, let me guess. Esposito. You know what? I just want all of you to leave me alone!"

She turned around and stormed out of the morgue. Lanie took out her cell and quickly texted Castle. 'B-ware. Beckett's heading ur way and she's pissed.'

Castle had enough time to quickly glance at his phone before he spotted Espo coming off of the elevator with a potential suspect. "Espo, you got a second?"

"Take him to one," he told one the uniforms. "What's up?"

"Can we meet tonight at The Old Haunt?" He lowered his voice as he kept his eyes peeled for Beckett.

"Beckett?" Espo asked as Castle nodded. "Yeah, I'll meet you there at six."

"Sounds good," he finished the conversation just as the elevators opened and Beckett stepped off.

***CCC***

Javi walked into The Old Haunt at six on the dot. Castle brought over a couple of beers as well as shots of Jack Daniels before sitting across from him in one of the booths. "I never took you for a shots kind of guy, Castle," Javi said as he quickly downed the shot and followed it with the beer chaser.

"I'm worried about Beckett," he said without preamble as he drank his own shot of whiskey and followed it with a long swallow of beer. "What happened to her this morning? First at the crime scene and then when she left the bullpen for an hour without explanation."

"When I got back from Afghanistan, I thought that I was cool," Javi said as Castle signaled the bartender to bring them another round. "And I stayed cool for about six months. By that time, I was in the academy. We were at the range one day and I just froze. I had to fucking force myself to shoot a damn paper target. And then the nightmares started. And little things started freaking me out. The last straw was when I went with my sister and her kids to watch Fourth of July fireworks. Every time the damn fireworks exploded overhead I had to fight the urge to duck for cover. I went to the VA and told the doc that I was going crazy. He told me that I wasn't going crazy. That he'd seen literally thousands of guys just like me since the damn war started."

"PTSD?" Castle guessed as Espo nodded. "How do you cure something like that?"

"Bro, you can't cure it. He taught me ways to control it. I don't know if Beckett's seeing someone or not. You know how she keeps everything pretty tight. But, if she doesn't admit that there's a problem, it isn't going to go away. It's only going to get worse."

"What do we do?"

"Keep having her back, bro. Look, I've known Beckett longer than you have. It's hard for her to ask for help. It's just who she is."

"Do we go to Gates?"

"Not yet. We watch her. I'll let you know if it gets to the point where we have to involve Gates. Just give her space. Believe me when I tell you that the last thing a person with PTSD wants or needs is someone crowding them or asking a lot of questions. This is about pride, bro. The last thing that Beckett's ever going to do is admit that she has a problem."

***CCC***

Kate couldn't sleep. Too many random thoughts kept going through her head. One person shot and killed from a distance could be a random event. But now with a second victim, the thought that there was somebody picking off New Yorkers from the window of one of the high rises that populated the city was terrifying.

She knew what it was like to feel like a sitting duck. One minute you're giving a eulogy for your beloved captain and the next you're laying on the ground bleeding to death as your partner/best friend looks on with a horrified expression on his face, telling you that he loves you.

She walked over to the mirror in the corner of her bedroom and removed the shirt that she was wearing, staring at the two scars that now marred her body. The one on her left breast was now about the size of a dime. She pressed her fingers to it, remembering the very first time that she'd looked at it when the bandage had been removed at the hospital. When she touched it, her mind flashed back to the jolting heat she'd felt when the bullet had smashed into her.

The other scar was along the right side of her body. It was about five inches long and to her, it still looked hideous. Josh had explained to her about the lung collapse. He'd told her about cutting her open and shoving his hand into the incision to quickly insert a chest tube so that she could breathe. This was the scar that was preventing her from completely moving on with her life. It bothered her far more than the scar on her chest. If she moved wrong, it still pulled, causing her to sometimes cry out in extreme pain. No amount of pain killers worked for the pain. This scar was the reason why Roger had suggested the resistance band training. He told her that it would loosen the scar up and give her more freedom of movement. She put her shirt back on and went back out to the living room.

Lately, Kate had taken to alcohol when she couldn't sleep. It usually numbed her brain and allowed her to sleep for a couple of hours. But tonight, the Scotch wasn't helping. She poured the last of her bottle into her glass as she tried to erase the flashes in her brain. But, tonight the flashes seemed far too real. She closed her blinds and dove for cover as she saw someone with a sniper rifle putting her in his crosshairs. In her frenzy to get away, she knocked the table over, shattering her glass in the process.

She cut her arm on the broken shards of glass as she went for her gun and hightailed it to the other side of the room. It was only then that her terror eased and she realized that nobody was there. It was only her and her rapidly pounding heart. She looked at her left arm and saw the blood flowing down her forearm.

She got up and made her way into the bathroom where she found a roll of gauze and some tape. She applied pressure to the cut until it stopped bleeding, checked for pieces of glass and after she was satisfied that the wound contained no glass, she dressed it with antiseptic ointment and bandaged it up. Hopefully nobody would ask any questions. To all of them it would just serve as more evidence that she was falling down the rabbit hole, just like she had with her mother's murder.

***CC***

The shooting the next morning was what finally convinced Castle that Kate was no longer holding it together. That was when he knew that if something wasn't done, they were going to have to bring in Gates.

The call came from a high-rise office building. When Castle and Kate entered the building, an EMT was bringing out a young woman on a gurney. "How many people are dead?" Kate asked.

"None," the EMT said.

"Thank God," Castle muttered.

"This is Emily Reese. She works on the 15th floor."

"Emily, my name is Det. Kate Beckett. Can you tell me anything about the man who shot you?"

"Why? Why would anybody try to kill me? I haven't done anything to anybody!" The young woman sobbed as she pulled an oxygen mask away from her mouth.

"We need to get her to the hospital!" The EMT shouted.

"No!" She grabbed Kate's arm. "Don't let them take me out there! He's still out there! He's trying to kill me! Don't let them take me!"

At Emily's first contact with her arm, Kate's heart began to pound and she felt panic setting in. She just wanted to run. "Get her out of here!" She shouted as Castle stared at her.

As the EMT pushed the gurney forward, Kate began running down the hall, tugging at her gloves while she ran. "Beckett!" Castle called after her, watching while she ran into an entrance marked 'Employees Only.' "Kate!"

He found himself wanting to follow her, but remembered what Espo had told him the night before. If she was in the middle of a PTSD episode, the last thing he needed to do was follow her.

Inside the narrow hallway, Kate quickly stripped out of her gloves, her jacket, her badge and gun. She then began sobbing hysterically. "I can't," she gasped between sobs.

She slid to the floor; feeling like she was losing what was left of her sanity. First the night before and now this. She didn't know how to make these waves of terror and panic go away. Right now she just wanted to curl up into a ball and not come out until whatever this was that was happening to her went away. "Beckett!" She heard Castle's voice from the other side of the door.

She wiped at her eyes. She knew that she couldn't let him see her like this. "I'm okay, Castle!" She finally managed to call out. "Just give me a few minutes."

After taking a deep breath and slowly counting to 20, she slowly rose to her feet, gathered up her gear, ran her hands through her hair and slowly opened the door. Castle's blue eyes were full of concern when she came out. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Castle. Let's get back to the precinct," she said, walking ahead of him out of the building and into the cool fall day.

When they arrived back at the precinct, Kate excused herself to go to the ladies room while Castle sought out Javi. He told him what had happened at the office building with Emily Reese. "She's falling apart. She's losing her ability to cope. You're the only person who understands what she's going through. You said that someone was there for you when you needed it. You need to try to help her," he said as Javi nodded in understanding.

"I'll take care of it, bro," he assured his friend.

***CCC***

Later that afternoon, Kate stood in the room where the sniper had shot his first victim. Gone was the haunted look that had been in her eyes. Instead it had been replaced with a steely resolve thanks to a teammate who was now more than a brother to her. He'd given her part of her life back.

When she came out of the bathroom, Javi approached her. "Beckett, I need to show you something," he glanced toward Castle.

She followed him to the property room. "What're we doing here, Espo?" She asked as she followed him into the room, as the door swung shut behind her.

"I need to show you something," he walked around the table and pulled out a huge rifle.

"What is that?" She asked suspiciously as she nervously eyed the weapon.

"This is the rifle that shot you."

"You're way out of line," her eyes filled with tears as she looked away from him.

"Just look at it."

"What the hell are you doing?" Her voice began rising hysterically.

"I've been where you are. I know what you're going through."

"Javi, I'm fine."

"You're not fine! You're just trying to act like you are. This is just a tool. It's a hunk of steel. It has no magical powers. And the person who fired it is not some all-powerful God. It's just a guy. With a gun. Just like the guy we're hunting now. And like every other bad guy, he's damaged goods."

"So am I."

"That's right. And that's okay. You think it's a weakness. Make it a strength. It's a part of you. So use it."

She stood right now with the rifle Javi had shown her, looking through the scope. She knew that he was right. If she crawled into a corner like she had after her mother's murder, they'd never catch this guy. She was sure that Castle had probably been to one who sought out Esposito. But her partner knew that it was because the Iraq war veteran would be the one person who'd understand without making her feel like a failure. Javi was right. Sure, she was damaged goods, but she could come out of this stronger than ever if she thought it through and turned it to her advantage.

***CCC***

By the next morning it was all over, as suddenly as it had begun. After completing all of the necessary paperwork, Kate sent Castle home and sought out Espo, who was finishing up his own paperwork. "Were you ashamed when they told you? That you had it?" She asked as she sat in Ryan's recently vacated chair. He didn't even have to ask what 'it' she was referring to.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I remember telling the doc that I was too damn tough to have PTSD. I hadn't gotten shot nor had parts of my body blown off of me. He told me that some combat veterans process their experience differently. Beckett . . . Kate, it doesn't go away. But, you can learn to control it instead of letting it control you."

"Do you still get attacks?"

"Not nearly as much as I used to. I have a good guy that I talk to when I need to. That helps. I'm sure I'll be talking to him about this, as a matter of fact. I can ask him to recommend a civilian for you, if you want me to."

"I've already got somebody, but thanks. Uh Javi, I'd really appreciate it—"

"It's cool."

"Thanks," she gave him a small smile as she got to her feet. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," he said in return.

Watching her make her way to the elevator, Javier Esposito had no doubt in his mind that his boss would work things out. There was no doubt that Beckett was the toughest chica that he knew. If anybody could kick PTSD's ass, it would be her.

A/N #4: This chapter was harder to write than I thought it was going to be. But it coincided with the airing of the episode on TNT, finally. I didn't want to paraphrase the whole episode, so I hope that I did the chapter justice. The next chapter is going to be Kate finally accepting help and a shoulder to cry on from Castle. We're nearing the home stretch, ladies and gents.

A/N #5: Moment of levity time. I have about 30 episode of 'Castle' on my DVR right now. Until I can afford to buy it on DVD, TNT and reruns on ABC will have to suffice. I was watching 'Nikki Heat' yesterday and the funniest line in the whole episode came courtesy of Ryan as he, Castle, and Beckett were watching Natalie Rhodes in front of the murder board. 'We should have a code word so that we know which Beckett to kill when her clone army attacks.' We were still laughing over that line last night. That, and Kate's spit take when Natalie asked if Castle was gay.