Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does and she is oh so very awesome for letting me play with them. Thank you.
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Monster
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" ~ A. Powell Davies
It's been thirty years since Jasper and I followed Carlisle and Zafrina into the woods. My life as I knew shattered into a million different pieces when he told me what I was…what I had become. I hated him for it at first, Jasper was happy to live, but I would have preferred to die with a soul than to live without one. I was a monster fighting the temptation to kill humans while feeding on the life of animals.
I couldn't understand how easily Jasper adapted, not that it's any easier for him to feed off of animals than off of humans, but he adapted well to being a monster. My sister Alice found us within a few years. She never stopped looking, and I was surprised that she wasn't frightened by what she found. I couldn't deny her anything and had been sending her money which she traced to a small rainy town that we were currently staying in.
I couldn't blame Jasper for her change, she showed up out of the blue and we both had not fed in a very long time. Testing our limits was not wise; but it was a must in order to develop strength to exist somewhat normally amongst the humans. Alice was attacked by Jasper, but something in him made him stop as I stood horrified at the scene that was unfolding before me.
Alice joined our family without questions, her thoughts lingered along the lines of…as long as she was with Jasper and I. I didn't at first understand why Jasper would have anything to do with her want to stay and be a monster. Years later they were married and her line of thinking began to make sense to me; she knew she was supposed to be with him…her precognition from her human life carried over into this existence and she could see the future now, and within her future she couldn't see a moment without the both of us.
Alice's visions were subjective to the decisions made around her, but they were helpful in avoiding humans right now, there were three of us now still learning to adjust getting better at it, but occasionally finding the temptations hard to resist.
Jasper had a gift of his own that later made more sense to the nauseating confusion I felt when I first woke up with my new eyes. The out of controlled frenzy that burned within me also burned within him but he was projecting what he was feeling across the room, making my hunger worse, my confusion worse, and my anger that much more worse.
Jasper could control emotions and he could project emotions, lately he's been working on projecting calm around me and Alice as we made smaller attempts at being closer to the human world. He helped us control the frenzy as he fought his own using a bubble of calm to take a breath and hold in the scent of a human. Everything around us floating in the world was a test right now.
Carlisle's family was kind enough at first, Rosalie was very resentful of Jasper and I; but Emmett was an over grown child who helped a lot with coping with what we were. He had actually told me that being a vampire wasn't so bad, he looked at things as a chance to grow and experience history as opposed to read about it in a book. I envied Emmett for the way he always saw the glass as half full; which was odd that he was married to Rosalie who saw the negative side of most things before the positive; she was vain and held beauty above brains. They were polar opposites that helped to keep each other in line with the reality of the world.
Esme and Carlisle acted as the mother and father for other intents and purposes. The humans believed that we were home schooled for the most part, to appear as normal as possible we occasionally were spotted at the malls or shopping markets buying clothes or food we didn't need.
I had lost a lot of memories of my human life when I was brought into this vampire existence but a few things stayed with me the most important and haunting memory would be of my mysterious yet beautiful Bella. Even the whisper of her name on my mind left chills over my body. I had continued my search but found it almost pointless, she could never love a monster…and who was I to blame her?
I currently sat at my piano playing her song over and over in the dimness of the sitting room. The rest of the family was either out hunting, at work in Carlisle's case or finding other means to occupy their time. Carlisle had disappeared within the war that we died in; he made sure that paper work and everything was taken care of. Alice received my medals and an American flag at my funeral. I asked her once why she didn't stop looking for me then and her answer was sure and absolute, she simply didn't believe it.
I wished that my beliefs were strong enough to push me the way they did her, but I'm sure it helped knowing what was going to happen before it happened anyways. I pulled my fingers idly over the keys applying only the smallest amount of pressure before turning on the bench to wait for Alice and Jasper; her thoughts were close by with the intentions of speaking to me.
"Why do I see you leaving?"
I dropped my gaze to the ground. How do you answer that question? I had tried to keep the decision to leave at bay, but it was growing stronger in my mind to take off for a little while, nothing permanent. I was surrounded by couples and love and family, but I felt out caste by the same things that made most people happy. The only woman I could ever love or feel a connection with probably didn't exist which made watching them all even more miserable for me.
"Edward, things will get better…don't leave."
I looked up at Alice again, Jasper had been standing behind her studying my emotions probably…his stare was curious as his stance was stiff and protective. He didn't know how else to be around Alice, and as they have been married and in love for years now, he still felt guilty for being the reason she was a monster like the rest of us.
"We're thinking about moving, the whole family is…maybe try going to high school; stay Edward. We'll need you."
Her voice was pleading but I was still indecisive in the matter. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the piano where my fingers once again graced the keys in my most haunting yet beautiful piece yet. It was her song; though I wish I could play it for her…I'm sure it would never happen.
"Alice, I will stay for right now, but I can't make you any promises."
"I know, I'm not asking for a promise, I would like you there though."
I smiled slightly at her as she took a seat on the piano bench next to me, Jasper moved closely behind her as her fingers moved over the keys next to mine. I didn't know where I would be if she didn't end up with us, and I felt selfish for even saying that. She deserved a soul, and unlike half of this family that believed we still had a chance at a soul; I knew I had lost mine and I didn't see any hope in redeeming it.
"This tune deserves a subtle happier side."
Alice moved her fingers back over the keys as I continued to play, her sweet melodious voice hummed softly as she changed the tune slightly, she was adding a joyfulness to the sound that didn't presently belong, I wouldn't hold it against her and as long as it was making her feel somewhat happy about who she was or where we were at…I would let her play it.
Edward, can I talk to you alone for a minute.
I nodded my head slowly up and down for Jasper before scooting over and letting Alice take control of the melody completely. I stood up and straightened my shirt before walking briskly outside where the sun was hidden deep behind a thick layer of clouds.
You're not happy.
"You know Jasper; I used to like it better when you would ask me how I was feeling."
I turned my head and smirked at him as he shrugged his shoulders and leaned against a post that helped to support the awning on the back porch. He crossed his legs at his knees and fiddled with his finger in front of him. It was a comfortable and relaxed position that he would normally take when speaking to me.
"You know Edward; I used to like it when I could think without you knowing my every thought."
"Touché"
I twirled my finger in the air as if it was my own miniature sword and smiled at Jasper while looking at him through the corner of my eye, he had brought me out here to talk about something else…not goof around and I was wondering exactly what it was.
I don't know if I can do it man.
"Do what?"
"Play high school."
I formed an 'oh' with my lips and then pressed them firmly together, I didn't know if I could do it either. The change had been easier for me in terms of our diet, but Jasper felt tempted not only be the emotions floating around in the humans but the smell of their blood. He dropped his hands to his side and stood up to come and stand closer to me.
"I just don't want to let Alice down…she thinks we can do this as long as we stick together, and I'm sure it'll be easier with you being around."
"Is that what you are getting to? Look man, I'm not going anywhere right now. I have just been teetering between staying and finding my own happiness…dude you have Alice, Carlisle has Esme and Emmett as unfortunate as it sounds, has Rosalie. What do I have? A figment of my imagination?"
"You could have had that chick Tanya."
"I don't feel anything for her Jasper."
He shrugged his shoulders as his thoughts moved around partial happiness and just plain unhappy I knew what he getting at, but Tanya wouldn't be enough for me; especially not after Bella. I couldn't do that to Tanya or any other expecting female for that matter.
"Look man, I'm not going anywhere…so please just drop it; if I do decide to leave I promise to let you know I won't just leave without any warning."
"That's not how Alice sees it."
"And what does Alice see Jasper?"
"She see's you leaving man, it's not clear and you know it won't be unless you make up your mind."
"So you want me to make up mind to leave so that Alice's vision is clear?"
"No asshole I don't, look we're concerned and just want you to stay around."
"I'm not going anywhere Jasper; I promise if I make the decision I'll discuss it with you and Alice first."
"Couldn't you just decide not to leave at all?"
I looked over at Jasper clearly frustrated at his question to see a smirk on his face. His golden eyes were dancing with humor as he knew which buttons he was pushing and he was doing it intentionally. I rolled my eyes and stood up straighter watching him mimic my position.
"Is there a reason you're bothering me?"
"Someone's got to keep you on your toes man."
I took a step back and looked into the house through the glass door, Alice was still sitting at the piano; her curiosity of other's conversations had dwindled to about nothing being that she could see them before they happened, but I could tell that she was still listening. Her head was tilted slightly in our direction with her black spiky hair falling softly at her shoulders.
"Dude, you married my sister."
"That's old news Edward."
"I think I'm still not used to it."
Jasper chuckled to himself as he moved back into the house shaking his head before reaching the piano and sitting next to a smiling Alice. I stood back watching the way she leaned into him unintentionally while his arm wrapped around her waist. For them it was instinct to love each other, something that came natural and before every other instinct they had.
"Hey, I'm going to go hunt…I'll be back in awhile."
Alice waved her hand for me to leave without even taking a glance at me. Jasper didn't acknowledge me as his hands glided over Alice's brushing the piano keys softly like they would shatter into a million pieces if the smallest amount of pressure was applied on the wrong key.
I turned around and began a brisk run through the backyard and towards the green of the woods. Using the trees as my shelter and dodging brush that laid about the ground I managed to pick up on a herd of deer. There scent reminded me of the herbal gardens that my mother once had in the backyard.
I shifted my body weight to my right leg as I leapt through the air wrapping both of my arms around a male buck and driving my teeth deep into the muzzle allowing the warm substance fill me until the animal was dried of life.
I set the animal back on the ground and rolled my knees placing my hands into the soft earth before leaping back to my feet. I used to wonder why Carlisle didn't ever do anything like donate the fur or meat left in the animal to the needy, but then again; I understood his need to block any suspicions that may arise…like why did we hunt so often? Or the bigger question…of why we were hunting during the off season, I chuckled to myself as I pictured Alice telling an elaborate story of how all of these deer continue to be hit by our cars.
She would come up with something as silly as that and people would believe her. She had a natural talent for bull shitting other people. Although I have noticed that humans tended to believe anything we told them, not because they knew what we were but because they were hypnotized by our very presence. It made things a little awkward when people were falling in love with and didn't have an idea of why. I could hear girls behind Jasper and I in grocery stores creating reasons to love us in their minds. It annoyed me to no end how much they all thought alike.
I circled around quickly grabbing one more buck before deciding that I had my fill for the evening. I didn't want to sit back in the house and watch the others interact with each other, so I ran back through the back yard stopping at the garage on the side of the house and jumping in my car.
"Where do you think you're going?"
I practically jumped as I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Alice leaning back casually in the back seat of my silver Volvo, it wasn't often that a vampire was surprised or scared but Alice had a way of being able to do both.
"Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?"
"I only know the where Edward, not the why."
"Well you asked me 'where" and not 'why' Alice."
"Ok, well then tell me, why are we about to head to the music store? Don't you have enough music already?"
I started the car up listening to the soft purr of the engine before putting the car in gear and backing out of the drive way. Since she had said 'we' and 'music store' I assumed that meant she felt like tagging along.
"I wanted to just scan through some things…you never know there might be something out that I don't have."
"I can tell you a few albums that you don't have."
"I don't listen to music from the eighties or nineties and you know that."
"You know, the music wasn't that bad then."
"The eighties were horrible; the nineties were the aftershock of the eighties."
Alice sighed as she climbed into the passenger side seat and fiddled with the radio until finding something she didn't mind listening to. Her choice in music wasn't really that bad, we agreed on a lot of things…but there were those moments were I couldn't stand her choice of music and would rather pull my hair out than to listen to that crap.
"Edward, why don't we head to the mall instead of that music store? If we go there we will stand around looking for some nonexistent CD, at least at the mall I can find something to occupy my time with."
"Alice, you don't have to come."
"I know, but I'd rather go with you…just in case; it's better if we travel together anyways."
I sighed as I changed directions towards the mall as opposed to the old family run music store in town. If Alice didn't see me finding anything there maybe there was a possibility of finding something worth listening to at the mall. I was opposed to listening to the many thoughts that crowded the mall, but if she was also trying to get me back into school I'd need to get used to the millions of untamed thoughts anyways. So I was going to look at this as a learning experience.
