Gurl wants to be a good big sister and will do anything to do this.

Songs:
Dream a Little Dream of Me- originally by Fabian Andre, Wilbur Schwandt and Gus Kahn (I think? There are so many different covers of this song.) www . youtube . com watch?v=j6TmogXhOZ8
It's Going to be Okay- from the Musical Scrubs episode. (I know, weird choice, but the song kind of felt right. Gurl hasn't watched it, she was just mumbling wishes and assurances in the form of song and it came out similar to it.) www . youtube . com watch?v=5dRBMu0smr0
Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ral- by Bing Crosby. www . youtube . com watch?v=aw9B49epS_M


The slight, shallow breaths echoed in the clear, sterile incubator. A small, red-wrinkled hand curled and uncurled as tiny eyelids fluttered and a weak heart beat. Gurl stared at him, her brother, trapped in a plastic cage which was keeping him alive. He was beautiful. Veiny, wrinkled and weak, but beautiful. She solemnly watched as he stretched out his little hands and blinked into wakefulness, not making one sound as he blindly gazed at his see-through ceiling. The doctor behind the siblings, however, was making many sounds, and none that Gurl liked.

"Your son was born at 29 weeks, which is classified as a pre-mature birth-"

"Look, I know that he's early. Does it look like I don't know that?" Mum interrupted with a hiss. "Just tell me what's gonna happen to him."

The doctor looked slightly disgruntled but opened his mouth anyway and explained. "The earlier a baby is born, the higher the chance there is of health problems. We will need to focus on finding and treating these health problems as early as possible, to help your son lead a longer, healthier life."

"Yeah but what problems?" Henry asked, staring at the baby then back to the doctor with strangely lost eyes. Gurl turned away from her brother and looked at them, gaze sharp on the exhausted looking doctor. Surely he wouldn't-

"Well... we have already scanned for bleeding in the brain, which he luckily doesn't have, but he does have Retinopathy of prematurity, an abnormal growth of blood vessels in the eye that has unfortunately led to some vision loss. Most cases are mild and heal themselves with little or no permanent vision loss, though-"

Wait...

"-Unfortunately, along with this, he has a low birth weight of 3 pounds exactly, so there is the possibility he may develop diabetes-"

No.

"- and potentially anaemia with his decreased red blood cell count. -"

No, no, no. Stop it!

"-We are currently monitoring him for apnoea, which is where premature babies sometimes have difficulty breathing. He hasn't shown any signs of it yet, but it's easy to deal with. If the baby stops breathing, we can just stimulate him to start breathing by patting him or touching the soles of his feet-"

Shut. Up. Please shut up! Gurl begged in her mind as she saw the expression forming on Mum's face.

"And, in terms of later development, there is a higher chance of learning and behaviour issu-" the doctor suddenly stopped, looking down at the young fifteen-year-old with swimming eyes who had tugged on his white lab coat.

"Thanks," she lied, teeth bared and nails digging into the unfeeling material.

The doctor blinked, then looked at the parents who were blankly gazing at the baby's incubator. Quietly, he excused himself to give the family a moment of privacy.


The baby was kept in the hospital for a few months after that. They visited him about three times a week, Gurl approaching to quietly smile down at his squished-up face and Mum talking with the doctors. Henry never came with them. By the time they brought the baby home, it was like he didn't remember he'd had a son. He hadn't even asked about the child's name. Mum told him, in one of their arguments, what it was, John. Gurl knew that wasn't her brother's name though. She'd watched as Mum randomly tried to think of a suitable name, casting her eyes over doctor's name tags and books in the waiting room. No, her brother wasn't going to be John. He wasn't going to be 'that baby' either, even if that's what Henry called him.

"Your name is Luca," she told him, craning her face over his sleeping form. "I read it once in a name book from the library. It means 'bringer of light'... Names are important Luca, and I'll help you remember yours."

Gurl couldn't go to the Labyrinth for a long time after that, wary that if she did she wouldn't be able to hear if Luca stopped breathing. She couldn't miss the sound of his squeaking cries at night, or not feed him his formula in time before he woke Mum or, worse, Henry. Luca couldn't yet understand the rules, but Gurl would help him. She was his big sister. Big sisters protect their little brothers; that's what they are for.

At first, school was rather nice about it all. They gave her time off to spend with the family. But only a few days. After that, skipping school was much harder than that one-off a few years back. After a few weeks, they warned her that if she did it again, she would be suspended. Suspension meant more time off school to help feed and clean Luca... but it also meant them calling in Mum and Henry.

The midwives were still visiting. Mum made the place look good for them and kept Luca fed during the day okay enough for them to nod and tick their boxes. So Gurl cautiously started going to school again. She would never stay late though. She would never go to after school clubs. The auditions for the school play came and went. She didn't even go to see the final performance.

Sitting in her bedroom, watching Luca gaze quietly up at the broken ceiling and feeling the silence of the empty flat echoing around her, but for the silent puffs of breath singing from her little brother's lips, Gurl finally let the words escape.

"It's not fair."

These words did not change anything. No one swooped in to help her or to make Luca better. The words just faded into the resounding silence surrounding her, as if they were never said. No one could hear them. With a sigh, Gurl roughly rubbed her cheeks and faced her little brother. She watched as his eyes unblinkingly gazed into space, tired but unwilling to close.

"Sweet dreams," Gurl murmured, pulling down the brittle, plastic bars to gently hold his clenched fist between two slender fingers. For the first time in a long time, Gurl opened her mouth to sing.

"Stars shining bright above you..." She licked her lips and leaned in closer. "Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'. Birds singing in the sycamore trees... Dream a little dream for me."

A soft wind whistled through the cracks of the ceiling and Gurl tucked Luca's patchwork blanket over his chest.

"Say nighty-night and kiss me," she leaned in and kissed his velvet soft cheek, a small, fragile smile on her face as he wiggled and kicked his legs. "I'll hold you tight and you'll tell me you'll miss me... While I'm alone, blue as can be... Dream a little dream for me."

Gurl smiled down at her brother as his eyelids drooped, turning his soft, unfocused gaze onto her. "Stars fading but I linger on dear, still craving your kiss," she kissed him once again. "I'm longing to linger till dawn dear, just saying thi-i-i-is... Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you. Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you... But in your dreams whatever they be. Just- just dream a little dream for me..."

Finally, her brother closed his eyes and slept. Gurl leaned back, gently pulling her finger from his slightly damp grip, and collapsed on her bed.

"It isn't fair," she murmured again, for it was the truth and it needed to be said, even if only she could hear it.

No it isn't. But that's the way it is.

"It doesn't have to be," Gurl growled to herself. "I'll mm-make it fair for him. If no one makes things fair it n-never will be. I'll make it fair." Staring at the crib, listening to his soft, whistling breaths, Gurl made her mind up.

One day, I'll make it fair for the both of us.


It would have been nice to say that after he settled in, Luca was a quiet baby. In a way, he was, only letting out soft squeaking complaints when he needed food or a clean nappy... but only when Gurl was around.

"Make him shut the fuck up," Mum would hiss at her as soon as she got home from school each day.

The problem was Luca wasn't happy when he was left alone. He liked being held by someone warm and cuddly, and started fussing whenever he was put down. And therein lay the problem, Gurl couldn't let him fuss. Fussing was noise and Henry hated noise. During the day it was fine as Henry was at work and, while she hated the screams, Mum wouldn't really do anything about them. Henry would though. So Gurl had to coddle Luca and smile and play with him, wincing whenever his gurgles grew too loud and desperately trying to lull him to sleep with soft words and gentle songs when he started to whine.

It was even harder when he was ill, and he was ill a lot. First it was jaundice, his skin turned yellow and his wails sounded tight and sharp. After that it was thrush, painful patches of white along his gums and across his tongue, causing him to wince and whine with pain every time he fed. Then it was a heavy rash, pneumonia, diarrhoea, hypoglycaemia…

The midwives came and went, sometimes they'd take him to the hospital, sometimes not. They dropped off medicine at almost weekly intervals and Gurl would eavesdrop on their instructions when she could, and meticulously read the medicine packaging when she couldn't. Some nights she didn't dare leave Luca's side, even for a second, as he wheezed into the orange, streetlight-stained gloom, bright eyes fixed straight above him as if seeing things Gurl could never see. She would bring cool cloths against his burning skin and whisper soft assurances into his ears as she fed him his bitter medicine, and she would sing. She would always sing.

"You're going to be okay," she breathed, voice high and sweet in her hushed song. "That's what's going to happen. E- everything's okay. I'm right here beside you, I won't let you slip away. Please come back tomorrow, because I swear to you, you're going to be okay..."

And the next day he'd be okay. He would still be ill and he'd be crying, but he would be okay that day, and the next day and the one after that. Slowly, ever so slowly, he grew. His body, while still very weak, strengthened. The illnesses were there still, but they were less frequent and they were less terrifying and Gurl started to trust that maybe he'd be fine.


"Sahwah! Back!" shouted Ludo, lumbering up to Gurl to wrap his arms around her.

"Hey Lu-udo," she smiled, finding the expression strange and unfamiliar on her face but soon forgetting this as Ludo's warm arms gently circled around her. "I cc-can't stay for long but I h-had to see you."

Ludo slowly let her go, tilting his head as he examined her. "Why?"

"I've got a l-little brother!" she explained, grabbing her friend's hand and dragging him into the hedges, looking for somewhere where no one would interrupt them. Ludo frowned at this, obviously confused about something.

"Have brother yes?"

"Yeah, I do. He's a-amazing and gorgeous but he- he's often very sick so I can't come here as much. I nn-need to stay there and help him."

Ludo didn't look too happy about that, but made no comment as they exited to the sand mirror maze.

"H-how long has it been since I was here last?" Gurl asked, taking one of the toys she had carried with her to bed and dipping it in the glass.

Ludo shrugged again. "Dunno. Time strange."

"I just hope Grace hasn't f-forgotten her name," Gurl sighed, guilt curdling in her stomach. Ludo made no comment, simply watching her with widening eyes as she peeled the toy out from the glass and pinched it back together with deft fingers.

"Know him. Ludo's Brother. Brave! Sawah's friend."

Gurl looked down at the rough, glass replica of Sir Didymus and then back to Ludo with surprise. Perhaps he was like Luca was to her, Sir Didymus' half brother? Hmm... She looked down at her cheap, plastic watch with a contemplative expression.

"We've got time, my brother usually wakes up around twelve or one... Wanna come with me and visit your brother, Ludo? I'm going that way anyhow," she explained with a small smile, just visible from a slight threadbare hole in her mask.

"Ye-ah," Ludo grinned back, taking Gurl's hands as she led him backwards through one of the sand mirrors.

"A- actually, I wanted to show you something while we're going this way," Gurl explained as they walked through the dim passageway. "I'd been making it a while ago, before my brother came, so it's not finished y-yet, but I think you'll like it."

Ahead of them there were two turnings to the left and right, Gurl ignored these and kept walking forward, drawing back the stone curtain that lay between them. On stepping through the opening, darkness ruled all, not even a glimmer of light escaping the dark curtain as she dropped it behind them.

"Look up Ludo." Gurl turned on her small pocket flashlight, pointing it up at the cavern roof and smiling at the heavy intake of breath from her friend.

"R-r-remember those beads we made when we were playing with the sand mirrors?" she asked, softly swivelling her flashlight as the glass glinted above her. "Y-you never get night here do you? I mean, the sky changes with every place you go and it's weird and great, but sss-stars? I always wished I could see the stars. B-back where I'm from there are all these orange streetlamps and light pollution, so you can't see any of the s-stars... So, this is the closest we'll ever get huh?"

Ludo was barely listening, simply staring at the sparkling reflections of the glass beads dotted above him, eyes reflecting the shaky patterns and warped constellations of those false stars. Gurl smiled at him, then up to the ceiling, softly wondering if she could ever show this to Luca. She shook her head and looked down at her watch with a soft frown.

"S-sorry Ludo, we'll have to come back here another time. I have to go back before midnight and I d-don't want to leave you here alone in the dark."

Ludo nodded quietly, following Gurl as she guided him out the cavern. She led him back along the path to the left, occasionally steering him around dangers and pulling him through different passages.

"Oh, k-keep to the right Ludo, there's an oubliette over there today. L-look, you can see the outline of the trap door."

As they clambered out of a large crevice on the edge of the bog forest, Gurl checked her watch again. Ludo was staring up at the red-tinged sky for a long moment, face expressionless, before turning back to Gurl and gently taking her hand in his. Off they went, weaving through the outskirts of the woodland and sneaking through the towering piles of rubbish, only pausing when they finally arrived at the city gates.

"I don't think I can go through this way Ludo, but it's j-j-just the right size for you," Gurl explained, pulling her hand out of Ludo's loose grip. Ludo shook his head slightly at this and firmly (but gently, always gently) grasped her hand, leading her through the doors.

The city was quiet, a few goblins pottered about, but mainly they were dozing around, chatting and drinking or just resting in the sunshine... well as much sunshine as you can get when there isn't really a sun. A few bristly eyebrows were raised at the two, fur-coated visitors, but no one paid them much attention, that is until they reached the guard house.

"Ludo! My brother-in-arms! What are you doing all the way over here? I thought you did not like the city."

Gurl felt her face light up almost as much as Ludo's, as they turned around to find Sir Didymus coming up from behind and dismounting from a very fluffy dog.

"Sahwah want visit. Take me with," Ludo explained, unaware of how both Gurl and Sir Didymus froze at those words.

"Oh... my fine fellow. I didn't know you- I thought you knew that..." Sir Didymus didn't seem to know how to say his next few words, brow furrowing as he looked to the ground with shining eyes. Sir Didymus didn't have to say anything though, as, in that exact moment, an oddly tall goblin-knight ran full pelt at Gurl, tackling her to the ground.

"Gah!" cried Gurl, wildly scrabbling back on the dust floor as the clanking goblin latched itself onto her stomach and wouldn't let go.

"I say- Buttons! Let that good fellow go now. This is most undignified!" cried Sir Didymus, striking the ground with his staff for emphasis.

"Buttons?!" exclaimed Gurl, freezing mid scrabble as she watched the figure pinning her down wrench off her helmet and glare at her.

"Miss Bear! Why did you disappear?! Where did you go?!"

Gurl didn't say anything, too busy staring in horror at the person looming over her. She was Grace, but also she wasn't Grace. Gone was any hint of pink in her skin, gone were the dainty little ears and small blunt teeth. Gone was the little girl. Instead a grey-skinned teenager sat there, looking just a few years younger than Gurl herself. She had a black hooked nose and ears that pointed out so wide, it was a surprise her helmet could fit. Her teeth were sharp and her chin unnaturally pointed. But she was still Grace in those dark, human eyes that stared furiously out at her.

"I'm s-so sorry Grace, I hh-had something I needed to do," Gurl whispered to her, heart in her mouth as she met the girl's gaze.

"What? Did you call me...? That-" Grace blinked twice then looked down at Gurl with a befuddled expression on her face. "That was my name. Grace. Grace Buttons you called me."

"That's w-who you are," Gurl nodded. "How lll-long was I away?"

"Too long," was all the answer Gurl got.

The silence stretched and was only broken by Sir Didymus' awkward cough and an invitation to a cup of tea and maybe a game of scrabble in his guard house.


"I did not know your name was Miss Bear," Sir Didymus mentioned as they all sat and he brewed a pot of eye moss tea. Ludo was leaning through one of the windows and Gurl was sat next to Grace on a squishy, vomit-green sofa, which was much too small for them both.

"You're g-good at making tea, S-Sir Didymus... i-is that your specialitea?" Gurl asked with a smiling tone, pointing at the tea pot and purposefully ignoring his unvoiced question.

"No, it is my regular tea," he replied with a bemused look in his eye. Grace Buttons got it though and started to giggle.

"Now, now Buttons, let us stop with this tomfoolery and get out the cups for our guests."

"It's Grace Buttons," she corrected him before doing as he asked.

Both Ludo and Sir Didymus exchanged an odd look at this, but didn't make any comments as she started pouring out the drinks. Gurl sighed, looking at her watch once more as her drink was set before her.

"I- I'm sorry but I won't be able to st-stay long," Gurl told them.

"But you just got here!" Grace exclaimed, almost dropping the other cups she held. "You can't go yet. That's not fair."

Gurl felt a muscle in her face twitch but managed to let out a long steady breath. "No-o, it isn't. But t-that's the way it is..." Gurl looked up from her hands, forcing them to unclench.

"Then make it fair!" snapped Grace, putting the cups down with a thump and glowering at the floor with swimming eyes.

Gurl rubbed her hands together, wincing as she felt the scratchy material of her disguise rubbing against her skin. "Mm-make it fair... I- I can do that... I can't stay long but I w-w-will be back. M-my visits may be short b-but there'll be more of them. I can't offer much else rr-right now..."

Grace looked conflicted for a moment, sharp teeth worrying over her tough, leathery lips. When she finally nodded, it felt like a weight had been lifted from Gurl's chest. Irritation, worry, apprehension, it all faded.

"Thank you," Gurl murmured, closing her eyes for a moment and breathing deep. "Uh- I- I also brought you something. Um, I think y-you'll both like it ah-actually," she added nervously, looking at Sir Didymus as he surveyed her with interest. However, said interest quickly turned to the glass figurine placed before them.

"It's one of your glass figures!" exclaimed Grace with a sharp squeal of delight, ears pricking up in interest and causing Gurl to smile fondly.

"Is that-" Sir Didymus started to speak as you started to ramble nervously.

"Uh, I- I know it's not brilliant but-"

"That is me, is it not?" Sir Didymus proclaimed with happy incredulity. "My dear, I did not know you admired me so. Thank you."

Grace was giggling again, looking at Gurl with a warm gaze. Ludo was beaming down at her and Sir Didymus was preening happily, smiling up at Gurl with bright eyes.

"I- I've got to go," Gurl stood up abruptly. "Sorry, uh- see you later."

And without a backwards glance, Gurl speedily walked out of the Guard House and half ran, half jogged to one of the crevices in the city walls, only stopping to catch her shaking breath when she sat safely in the darkness.

Time to stop this, she told herself firmly. What's got into me? It's time to wake up.

Gurl stared into the darkness for a long moment and sighed, slapping her face lightly to get her focus back.

Time to wake up.

"-shut up you COW! Like HELL I'm not going out!"

Gurl winced as the front door and her mother's bedroom door slammed shut in a loud, mismatched unison. As quick as a thought, Gurl was scrambling up just in time to see Luca's face crumple up at the scary sounds.

"No, don't be scared, I'm here," she hushed him with her soft, gentle words, picking him up and cradling him to her chest. "Troo-la-loo-la-lah. Hush and don't you cry. Troo-la-loo-la-loo-la. That's an Irish lullaby," she breathed softly into his ears and slowly jolted him up and down. "Hush, now don't you cry."

In the dim, orange-tinged room, his eyes sparkled up at her, as beautiful as the star dotted ceiling of the glass cave, as beautiful as anything she could ever dream of.

"We're here for you Luca, your Gurl and her friends," Gurl smiled, the sound of her own name almost as odd and heavy on her tongue as the word 'friends'. She pulled out the toys from her pocket. "Look, here-here's Sir Didymus, he's a kind knight, the new guardian of the Goblin castle. He'll protect you as you sleep, he'll be your friend as well, always there when times are hard. And- and over here, this is Ludo. He just loves making new friends. I-if you're nice to him, Ludo will be your friend for life."

Luca stared at the toys bounding across his blurred vision. He looked back to his sister then back to the toys, making soft squawking noises as he watched his new companions dance past his face. Gurl smiled with him, hands as soft and gentle as her eyes, as she spoke truths and weaved tales of the ones she loved, playing games but never playing pretend.