EPOV
The night was just getting worse and worse. Just worse and worse and worse and worse.
We drove to a crappy brick building with boarded up windows that I naturally assumed was abandoned.
"This is where we live," Carlisle said with a bright smile.
"Just frickin' great, dad." I rolled my eyes. "Who do you mean by we?"
"Me and Courtney."
"Courtney?" I asked incredulously. "Who the hell is Courtney?"
How did I not see this one coming?
"He's the guy you're sitting next to."
I looked at the sweaty pig who was licking his fingers because there might have been a tiny bit of sauce from the sub that managed to escape the bear trap that was his mouth.
"Here's where we do the operation," Courtney, the man and not a woman, said.
"Operation?" I asked. "Dad, you're not moonlighting illegal…"
"No," Carlisle laughed. "It's not that kind of operation."
"What does he mean, Carlisle?" Courtney asked.
"I used to be a doctor," he answered casually. "A surgeon, actually."
Courtney nodded, smiled and farted at the same time.
"Woops," he said as he waved his hand beside himself, wafting the fart particles around. I was extremely thankful for the Spidey mask in that moment, as it helped me not smell as much of the gas. Maybe that's why Carlisle chose this particular outfit? I would have to remember to thank him later, after I reamed him out for whatever he was about to reveal. I just had a feeling that none of this was going to be positive or logical. "Is that so?" the fat weirdo chuckled. "Why, Carlisle! I had no idea you were a doctor!"
"Really?" I asked with alarm. "How do you guys even know one another? I mean, you obviously can't have known each other for very long or anything?"
"Oh," Courtney replied, "We've known each other for quite awhile now. Carlisle's been investing in my business for almost two years."
I rolled my eyes again. I wondered what kind of crackpot scheme this was going to be.
"We sell video Bibles to little old women," Carlisle said.
"Well, kind of," Courtney amended. "That's how the whole thing started out. But then a couple of months ago your father decided to become more involved in the business and he had a really great idea, if I do say so myself."
"Yup," Carlisle said, beaming with pride.
"And what's that?" I asked wearily.
"Well, you see, I got the idea from The Producers," my father started.
"As in the movie about the failed Hitler musical?" I asked. This couldn't be good no matter where he was going with it.
"Yup! We get little old women to allow us to meet with them for a consultation about buying video Bibles – because that's the bait – and then we offer them a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be an investor in a big Broadway musical! That! Now, that's the hook!"
"It's genius!" Courtney said, feeling the need to add his two cents worth for whatever reason; as if it could possibly mean anything to me that he had an opinion on anything about anything at all.
"So, what's the musical?" I asked.
Courtney and Carlisle laughed. It took a moment before they were able to calm down enough to answer my question.
"There is no musical, son," Carlisle said seriously.
"So, how do you get these women to invest?" I asked. "What do you present them with? How do you get them to trust you? And how is it that only old ladies make appointments with you?"
"Well, our ad in the paper says that we offer discounts if you're buying these things for your grandchildren," Carlisle answered.
"And since they're VHS tapes, it's bound to work!" Courtney said.
"Why's that? VHS tapes are outdated. Everyone knows that!" I argued.
"Everyone except…" Carlisle started; "Little old ladies," Courtney finished for him. "Why do you think it is that when you get a VHS tape, it's always because it's a gift from grandma?"
"VHS tapes are all the rage among that demographic," Carlisle explained. "It's how we make sure that only vulnerable little old ladies call us. If we offered them on DVD we'd be wasting our time."
"You'd be wasting your time selling your products to people who would be interested in them?" I asked.
"It's not about selling our crap!" Carlisle argued. "Don't you see the bigger picture here? I mean, come on! Nobody wants video Bibles! The old ladies don't even buy them for themselves! They get them for their grandkids because the world is full of terrible things and they think that the video Bibles will somehow make values and morals cool. They just want their grandkids to choose the right things in life, but even with these crappy videos, that's not likely."
"So what you're saying is that the reason these poor old women buy these video Bibles is because they're trying to protect their posterity from satanic monsters like you two?" I asked.
They both nodded.
"Well, that's just great dad! Just frackin' great!"
"So, you in?" Courtney asked.
"What? NO! I'm not in. I don't want to have anything to do with this! Dad! This is a terrible idea."
"I already told you, Edward, that I feel badly about it. But we're in too deep and the last of all we've got is tied into this project. An ad went out in the Sunday paper and we're expecting a huge number of women to set up appointments this week. After we bait and hook them, we can finally get out of it! It will have paid off! Don't you see?"
"Dad, you're a jerk! And Courtney! You've got a girl's name!"
"It was a guy's name first. I just want to make that perfectly clear," the weirdo answered.
"And what about this guy?" I asked, pointing to the tied up guy who was supposed to be driving the limo.
"Oh, don't worry about him. He won't remember any of this in the morning," Carlisle said. "He's probably not even aware of where he's at. We slipped him a little ecstasy."
Courtney chuckled.
"What in the hell is wrong with you two? This is all a terrible idea and you're both sloppy! I mean, come on! You're slipping people drugs that make them hallucinate to steal limos and one of these days, one of these little old ladies is going to be smarter than you two. She'll figure out your scam and report you and…"
"Hold on now, Edward," Courtney interrupted, "We've got this all under control. We know what we're doing and we've never been caught and…"
"Never been caught yet!" I corrected.
"We won't get caught," Carlisle said confidently. "I know what I'm doing."
"Why do you think this is a good idea, Carlisle? How can my father, who used to be one of the smartest people I've ever known and who I used to be so proud of – how?"
"You'll be proud of me again, Edward. You'll see."
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "Can you please take me home? I've got school in the morning and work after that. I have a job, Carlisle. I work for the money I earn. And I don't lure in poor, defenseless women to make my hourly wage."
The ride home was completely silent. They dropped me off where they picked me up at in the first place. I walked back to my car and died a little inside when I saw a red truck parked next to it.
"Hey!" Bella called from her rolled down window, "Hop in. I'm taking you somewhere."
"I've kind of had a rough night," I said, taking the Spiderman mask off.
"I get that," she said with a warm smile. "But don't worry: I'm not here to make fun of you. I'm sorry you had to find out about everything with your dad. I'm sure that couldn't have been comfortable. But seriously, hop in. We've got to go."
I started walking around to the other side of her truck.
"Wait!" she called from her window. "Why don't you change into your normal clothes first?"
I heard her giggle as I hopped in my car and exchanged the costume for my work clothes.
"Why did you have to wear that thing?" she asked.
I just shrugged. "I have no idea."
...
A/N: I just want to say that I have nothing against video Bibles. I'm not making fun of anything religious or little old ladies. I think it's sweet, how my grandma always buys me things on VHS. I haven't told her that I don't own a VCR anymore. I just don't have the heart to, LOL! ;)
