"What?" Trapper asked, knowing he couldn't have heard Hawkeye correctly.

"Trap, we don't have much time! I've already put a bug in that Major Willoughby's ear that Frank is on the loose! We need someone to be Frank and I'm it!" Hawkeye declared.

"I thought we were going to send Ugly John over to the 4076th and start a RUMOR! No one said anything about actually producing Frank!" Trapper protested, shaking his head. This had went as far as he wanted to go. Plus Old Trapper wasn't a complete fool! All he had to do is to get a file from I Corps and find out what Frank looked like. For all Trapper knew, Old Trapper had seen Burns before.

"You know sir," Radar said, "Hawkeye is the only doctor the other colonel never saw when he was here. I still have Major Burns's file. I could put Captain Pierce's photo in it instead."

"See!" Hawkeye exclaimed, as if Radar had come up with the greatest idea in the world. Trapper folded his arms.

"Okay, smart guy, what's your plan? Are you going to poach outside their camp running wild or what?" he asked.

"Yeah, Captain Pierce," Radar asked curiously, "I mean if this Willoughby has seen you, then she'll know you're HERE in plain sight. I mean we'll look kind of stupid not knowing that you're here, if you know what I mean."

"Oh I get you, Radar...Trapper. I think in a case like this, I might need a new picture and Klinger's help." Hawkeye grinned. Trapper did not grin back. He hoped Hawkeye wasn't thinking of running around over at the 4076th in women's clothing!

But this new wrinkle in their plan, meant that Trapper had to make sure that Margaret left ASAP!


Trapper knocked on Margaret's tent door and heard her call out 'enter', before walking in. She was just putting the final items in her suitcase and getting ready to close it, when Trapper came in.

"Alright! I am packed and ready to go! I just wish you were coming with me." Margaret said wistfully. Trapper closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. He started to say something else. Something that would get her out of here without being none the wiser. But something was keeping him from doing that.

"I have to tell you something." he said and let go of her. He walked over to her dressing table and picked through the items on it, distractedly. Margaret approached him from behind and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Tell me what's going on?" she asked quietly. Trapper turned back to her.

"We came up with a plan on how to get back at your codger boyfriend, okay? But it's already got out of hand and I...I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want you to go, but I don't want you here to watch this all play out." he admitted.

Margaret just stared up at him. Trapper didn't know if she was in shock or if she was angry or what.

"Margaret? Talk to me!" he said, shaking her a bit.

Margaret shook herself out of her reverie.

"I'm sorry, it's just that you sounded mature just now."

"Nice!"

"I'm serious, Colonel. I mean you're making the right decision. People depend on us. Their lives are in our hands. We can't run this place like a never ending high school prank or something! And you see that! I can't tell you how that makes me feel!" Margaret said, swelling with emotion. There was hope for Colonel Trapper McIntyre yet!

"Yeah, well don't peg me as a saint just yet. When you hear what we were going to do, you may feel differently."

"I'm assuming it was something juvenile and stupid?"

"And hurtful. To you." Trapper said. Margaret now frowned.

"What? What is it?"

"We came up with the idea of letting Old Trapper think that Burns was back and trying to kill him-over you."

Margaret's mouth dropped open for a brief second, before closing again. Her posture became decidedly angry looking!

"Just how did you think you were going to get away with that?! Huh, Colonel! Frank is back with his wife in the good ole US of A! Anyone, even my 'Codger Boyfriend' would have been able to figure that one out!" she yelled.

"Okay, okay! But Hawkeye was hoping to keep that from happening. He has already told Major Willoughby that Frank was seen around here and could be headed to the 4076th." Trapper admitted.

"When was Starch here?"

"Like a half hour ago. The wheels have been set in motion on this thing, Margaret. And I'm not sure I can stop it. Maybe it would be better if you did just go to Tokyo for some R&R, let me figure a way out of this and then you can come back, none the wiser. Okay honey?"

Trapper's answer was a slap across the face! When he protested he received another one!

"You listen to me, 'Colonel', I'm going over to the 4076th and putting an end to this whole thing! You can either come with me and explain this like a man, or you can stay here and let me do your dirty work for you! Now what is it going to be?" Margaret sniffed.

Trapper's head had cleared after those two slaps and suddenly he was back to himself.

"What it will be, is lock up for you!" Trapper said and then picked Margaret up and threw her over his shoulder! He walked out of her tent and ignored the whoops and hollers as he marched her over to the MP tent and put her down next to two of them.

"This major assaulted her commanding officer. Keep her here until a full investigation has been conducted." Trapper told them. Both MP's saluted and Margaret began to scream her outrage!

"You won't get away with this, Colonel! He's too smart for the bunch of you! He'll figure out that Frank is back in Indiana and then ALL of you will be facing court martials! I'm trying to help you idiots!" she yelled. But Trapper turned and walked away. He had no choice now but to try and make Hawkeye's plan work!


4076th M*A*S*H UNIT-

Older Trapper could barely stop laughing at the ridiculous tale Clara had just told him! But he managed to take deep breaths in order to try and calm her down.

"Okay, okay, Clara, I'm not making fun of you! But come on! You should know better than to believe this tripe! Burns couldn't sneak back here without someone knowing. I Corps for one."

"Colonel, I thought of that! Believe me I thought of it but the problem is that no one knew I was coming! I just don't think they could've come up with this story off the cuff! They don't look smart enough, if the truth be told!" Clara sniffed.

"So they came up with it days before you arrived! Clara, they were planning to tell us this tale somehow, someway. You just dropped into their lap and they had to do it sooner, that's all. Now I'll get this cleared up and then I'll tell the good doctors of the 4077th, nice try, better luck next time." Older Trapper said stoutly.

But Clara put a hand on his arm.

"What about Margaret?" she asked.

"What about her?"

"Do you think she's in on this?"

"No." Older Trapper said in a tone that clearly showed he was insulted. "She would never be part of anything so immature."

Clara folded her arms.

"And why is that, Colonel? Because you know her so well?"

"I don't like your tone, Major. And I thought Major Houlihan and you were old friends?"

"We were. Are." Clara said grudgingly. Suddenly the Older Colonel thought of something...

"Why were you over there anyway?" he asked.

"I wanted to see Margaret."

"About?" he pressed.

Clara knew what she was about to say, crossed a professional line. But then again, this man was an old friend. It had to be said.

"I was going to talk to her about you and what's been going on. Or what went on here when she was here."

The Older Trapper clenched his jaw.

"You spied on Margaret and myself?"

"I did not 'spy'! I needed to talk to you and didn't know you were in here with her, okay? Yes, I saw you and I'm telling you, if you have any hopes for anything more from her, then you should cut your losses and run!"

"You sound like some friend, Starch."

"I don't mean to sound so negative, okay? I don't. I love Margaret but I love you too-in a friendly way. And I'm telling you that she's involved with that other Trapper over at the 4077th with your name! She is just some distraction for HIM and that's the way she likes it. But you wear your heart on your sleeve! It will never work out."

Before Trapper could respond, the company clerk entered with a file sent over from the 4077th he had requested, on Major Frank Burns. Trapper knew all he needed to know about his background. He wanted to see what this man looked like. He opened the file and Clara peeked at it as well...

"Oh my God!" she cried out.

"What?" Older Trapper asked.

"That's him! That...That's the man that 'warned' me about Frank Burns!" she yelled. They were looking at a picture of Hawkeye, who was wearing a blonde, short wig(Klinger had cut it so it looked Romanesque) and eyeglasses.

"You're saying the man in this picture, was the same one you just talked to?" Older Trapper asked skeptically.

"No! He didn't have the glasses and his hair looked different, but that's him! I mean he has a distinctive face! That disguise isn't much of one because I know he's the man I talked to!" Clara insisted.

"And he's running around the camp loose? No one has been able to put two and two together?"

"I told you, Colonel, they don't look too bright over there! We need to get word to them! We especially need to get word to Major Houlihan!"

Older Trapper didn't like the smell of this. Yes, it was a serious situation but something about it bothered him. And he didn't think that calling over there would assuage his suspicions.

"Come on, Starch. We're headed back to the 4077th. If you just saw Burns there, then he's probably STILL there." Older Trapper said.


"incoming wounded! Incoming wounded!"

Trapper ordered Klinger to get one soldier into O.R. pronto, while another could wait for a bit. Meanwhile in the operating room, Winchester was annoyed when a nurse dropped surgical tools twice!

"My God, the ineptitude! Where is Margaret anyway?"

"She's on her way to Tokyo." BJ said as he cut into his patient.

"No she isn't! I stopped by her tent to ask her to pick something for me while she was there, and I saw her luggage sitting on her bed." Winchester sniffed. BJ looked over at him but said nothing. He then looked at Hawkeye.

"You haven't seen Margaret, have you?" he asked. Hawkeye knew where she was but said nothing. A few of the nurses saw her being carried to detention, but didn't care enough to comment either way.

"Hawk? Do you know where she is?"

"No," Hawkeye lied, "I haven't seen her. But you're right, she really needs to be in here if she hasn't left for Tokyo."

But what he was really thinking, is that her absence could be used to convince the 4076th that Margaret could have been taken away by Frank Burns!

Meanwhile, Older Trapper and Clara arrived and hurried out of their vehicle to see if they could lend a hand. Trapper was surprised to see them and too distracted by the wounded to carry out the game in a convincing fashion.

"What are you doing here?" Trapper asked in a testy tone. He then nodded to Klinger to take the soldier into O.R..

"This one over here has two wounds to the gut. He should go before that one." Older Trapper said. Klinger didn't quite know who's orders to follow, and younger Trapper yelled at him to do as he said and take the solider HE told him to take! Klinger, along with an orderly, took the man off of the ambulance.

Trapper faced off with Older Trapper.

"Don't you ever give my men any orders that counter my own! Now what the hell are you doing here?"

"That soldier needs to be looked at pronto! And if you don't have sense enough to do it, I will. By the way, I'm 'here' because I got word that Margaret's in danger from 'Frank Burns'. Apparently he's running loose in broad daylight and no one can tell it's him."

"I don't have time for this!" Trapper snapped and told two other men to take the soldier that Older Trapper was referring to, to O.R..

"I can see you don't. I'll make the time to protect Margaret. Is she in the O.R.?"

"She's in Tokyo. I sent her away." Trapper lied.

"Good call. But for all we know, Burns followed her." Older Trapper said.

"Then maybe you should hit the road and find out!" Trapper growled. "Now either help us or get the hell out of here!"

Meanwhile, Clara made her way to the O.R. wearing a mask and peeked through the door. She did not see Margaret in there.

But she did see the eyes of the man that she knew to be Frank Burns! What the hell? Where was Margaret?

Clara hurried out of the O.R. hallway and over to Margaret's tent! She didn't even bother to knock and entered to find a suitcase that was full and barely closed. What the hell was going on? Margaret had planned to leave for some reason? Did she or didn't she?

Clara was convinced she didn't! That Burns character was in O.R., in disguise and none of those dimwit doctors knew it! And during all of the melee, Margaret had disappeared. And chances are Burns had her stashed around here someplace, then sauntered in to operate! He had to be here under a fictitious name too!

Clara left the tent and found HER colonel in an argument with the younger, 4077th colonel.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we don't have time for this! Frank Burns is in the OR and Margaret's suitcase is packed and on her bed-like she was interrupted before she could finish."

The Older Trapper grabbed the Younger Trapper's collar!

"If you've let Burns come back into this unit and hurt Margaret in anyway, I will make sure you are court martialed, personally!" he seethed.