Since he had met Eren at his favorite café the other day, Levi had stopped going there by fear of running into him again. Hanji had called him a coward, and maybe she was right, but there was no way the raven would admit it to himself, and even less to her. She had actually listened to him quite carefully when he had told her about it and what had happened. Well, she had laughed at him, that was to be expected, but after that she had become more serious and had shown to be quite supportive. She was trying her best to help him be less insecure about the whole situation, but Levi was too stubborn to actually listen to her. She kept on trying again and again anyway, being the type to never give up.
It was now nearing the end of December. The whole town had been decorated for the upcoming festivities, lights shining on every street and in every building. That was all everyone was talking about, thinking about how to spend their holidays, what gifts to buy, who to meet, but Levi couldn't even care less. He had never been someone who enjoyed this time of the year, December being just another regular month for him. He would still buy small gifts for his friends because he knew it meant something for them. It was his way to show them how grateful he was to have them in his life, even if he didn't give that impression most of the time.
But this year, Levi had another friend he was grateful to on his list, Eren, and just this tiny addition had made this month different from the ones he had experienced in the last few years. His life had slightly changed since he had started talking to him, even if it was only small changes, but they were still noticeable for his long-term friends. Apparently, he was socializing a bit more, answering texts and calls more often, and getting angry less quickly than before. Maybe they were right, and maybe he didn't mind the changes. Maybe he actually liked them.
However, the two weeks prior to Christmas had been quite boring for him and he had turned back to his old unsociable self. The reason behind it may or may not have something to do with the fact that Eren was extremely busy working for his midterm exams. The brunet was apparently a procrastinator and always ended up studying at the last minute, so he had to spend all of his free time working if he wanted to have decent grades for his exams. Armin had always been the one to come up with study schedule in order for this disaster to not happen, and Eren had realized how much he had been relying on him at those moments, he had confessed to Levi.
So, with his schedule being extremely busy, they rarely had the chance to text each other, except for the 'I'm so tired' and 'I want to be on vacation' kind of messages. On his part, Levi was also buried in his work. The end of the year was always quite hectic at his company and he ended up having extra hours almost every day of the week, even on Saturdays. At least he had something to keep him occupied, so he wasn't complaining too much.
Eventually, Eren's exams ended and he was free once again, which meant Levi was receiving more texts from him.
Eren:
It's been a while since i slept for that long!
I love being on vacation :)
Me:
At least one of us have some.
Eren:
You didn't take any for Christmas?
Me:
No.
Eren:
How come?
Me:
Everyone wanted to take their vacation, but the company can't be empty, some people still have to work.
Eren:
Can you blame them?
Me:
They do what they want, so do I.
Eren:
But still, it's a bit sad, working on Christmas :(
Me:
Technically I'm not, I'm working on Christmas Eve.
My company is closed on the 25th.
I took my vacation for the New Year.
Eren:
Nice! Starting from when?
Me:
28th evening, and I go back to work on the 3rd.
Eren:
Are you planning on doing something? :)
Me:
Usually with Hanji we go on a little trip.
Don't know where we're going yet.
Eren:
Cool! You guys are really close :)
Me:
What about you?
Eren:
I'm going back to my parents' in 2 days and i'm going to stay there until the end of the holidays
It's been a while since i've seen them
Me:
So it's a good thing, right?
Eren:
Yeah, it is
Me:
You're not really convincing.
Eren:
I'm happy to see them again, really!
It's just…
Me:
Hm?
Eren:
Maybe it's because back home is where i think the most about Armin…
And he really enjoyed Christmas
Me:
You can always text me if you need to talk when you're there.
Eren:
Yeah, thank you Levi :)
Levi had actually lied to Eren about a few things.
First, the reason he was working on Christmas Eve was because he hated that day, and working helped him think about it a bit less before going to his friends' party in the evening. He had noticed that despite his small reluctance to go back home, the brunet seemed really enthusiastic about the celebrations, if his texts for the past few days were anything to go by, so he hadn't wanted to ruin the mood.
Second, and another reason for him to hate Christmas, was that his birthday was on December 25th. He was sick of people trying to be funny and wish him a 'Merry birthday', or the ones asking him if they should buy two different gifts, or even worse, the people calling him a 'Christmas baby'. Celebrating his birthday has never been on the top of his list, but with Christmas happening on the same day, it was another version of hell for him.
And finally, he actually already knew where he was going with Hanji after New Year's, because it was the same place every year. They would go back to Levi's hometown to visit Farlan and Isabel's graves, clean them, put some flowers, and Levi would also use this opportunity to go back to the park near the orphanage and see their special tree. He had told Eren he never went to their tombstones, but that wasn't entirely true. He went there only once a year, because it was very far from his current place, and he normally had too much work to go there during the year. But once was enough for him.
After 2 days, like he had said, Eren went home to his family and started using his phone less and less once more. Levi was both happy about this – because it meant the brunet was doing fine and was enjoying quality time with his parents, and bored – because he had to spend his entire day at his office alone without a distraction from his annoying work.
The 24th finally arrived, after 3 days of mental torture, and Levi was sitting in his office chair, lurking at his watch every minute to know when he would finally be granted freedom. He wasn't looking forward to the party he had to head to after his work, his mindset the same as every year, but he still preferred it to being enclosed between four walls, a pile of papers waiting to be taking care of in front of him. So, when he could finally read 4 pm on his watch, he wasted no time to stand up, take his case, and leave the office with long strides. He had enough time to go home, take a shower and prepare for the night before it was time for him to leave.
The party they held on Christmas Eve had been the same for many years now. They were celebrating Christmas until late at night, exchanging gifts, and simply enjoying each other's company. The party members were always the same and consisted of Erwin and Hanji, his best friends, and their partners, Mike and Moblit, respectively. They had been worried that Levi would feel like a third wheel but he had shrugged them off. In the end, he was only going there to please his friends and make them happy, so it was counter-productive if he deprived them of quality time with their significant other. Besides, he didn't mind their company, even if he didn't see them often.
There was only one ultimate rule: talking about Levi's birthday was forbidden. It was a Christmas party, not a birthday one, and it sure wasn't a double party or whatever. It was Levi's one and only condition to go to the party, and his friends had always honored it, waiting patiently for him to wake up the following morning to finally wish him a happy birthday.
Levi had taken his sweet time to prepare himself once back to his apartment, not wanting to come too early to Erwin's place, where the party was being held. So it didn't come as a surprise that he was the last person to arrive for the evening, his tall blond friend almost jumping on him the second he had rung the bell. Erwin pushed him inside the room while holding him by the shoulders, directed him towards the Christmas tree that was standing proudly in one corner of the room, and told him to put down his gifts with the ones already there. Once his hands free, he was greeted by Hanji who had already started drinking and eating without waiting for him, and by Moblit who was desperately trying to calm her down. Mike gave him a short nod while leaning against a wall, quietly acknowledging him while sipping his drink.
After Hanji's third drink, she had started singing carols with her broken voice, making Levi want to rip his ears off so that he wouldn't be able to suffer any more than he already had. He actually felt pity for Moblit at some point when he saw how desperate the man was to calm her down (again) and make her stop. At some point, Erwin had started to asked the raven a lot of questions to catch up as if they hadn't seen each other in a long time, when they were literally working in the same company. Fair enough, they were working in different section, but they still saw each other frequently. During all his interrogation, Mike had been standing behind him – one hand on Erwin's waist the other holding his drink, sniffing his boyfriend's hair like it was a bouquet made of flowers with sweet fragrance and not, well, just hair. At this point, Levi had felt frustrated that he wasn't drunk enough to not feel awkward at the whole situation, but seeing the smiles on his friends' face had eventually made him think that it wasn't that bad.
Later during the evening, after eating until their stomach were full, they all exchanged their current drink for a flute of champagne and clinked their glasses with one another while shouting "Merry Christmas!" in a cheerful tone. Then, the time to exchange gifts had finally came, and they all gave their presents to their rightful owner while exchanging smiles and hugs – Levi had managed to escape all of them except for the one from Hanji. The raven got a dark blue woolen scarf that was way too big and too long for his short stature from Hanji, and new ties from Erwin. The latter actually enjoyed buying some for Levi and did it every year, at the point that all the ties Levi owned had been a gift from his best friend.
Levi was now standing in a corner, sipping his champagne while enjoying a bit of quietness, when he felt his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and opened the new message he had just received. It was from Eren, wishing him a Merry Christmas, and it came along with a picture of him standing next to a Christmas tree – just a bit taller than him – with a flute in his hand. He was smiling happily and was wearing a red and white Christmas sweater, a Santa hat nested in his hair. Levi smirked at the picture and quickly took one of his own, in which you could see his arm holding his flute and pointing at the Christmas tree, that he sent right away with the same text.
All in all, the party had gone pretty much the same as the previous ones: Levi had ended up being the only one mostly sober; he didn't count Mike because he had never been able to tell when the man was drunk, but with everything he had sipped throughout the night, chances were that he was. So, while everyone was dead asleep somewhere in the house, Levi had started throwing away trash, putting the rest of the food in boxes and into the fridge, and mostly just cleaning the whole mess before falling asleep in Erwin's guestroom.
When Levi woke up the following morning, it was only 7:30 am. It had been a short night but he was used to sleep only four to five hours. His nights had begun getting shorter and shorter when he had started going to college, at first because he had had nightmares, and then he had gradually gotten used to sleeping so little that now he automatically woke up after at least four hours. From time to time he was napping before dinner, but with or without it, his nights were the same, and that was when he had good nights. Sometimes he would only sleep for a couple of hours before waking up and having a hard time going back to sleep, but it had been a long time since he had had such bad nights.
He took his time to get ready, knowing that no one would be awake except him, and walked slowly to the bathroom after putting back on his shirt which he had removed before going to bed. Once his face cleaned, his teeth brushed (he knew where Erwin kept his spare ones) and his hair more or less tamed, he went to the kitchen. It was now past eight, so he thought about making himself a cup of tea and some breakfast for his friends, but Erwin had already beaten him to it. His blond friend was making coffee while already drinking some from a mug. He turned around when he heard Levi and immediately gave him a steaming mug.
"Tea." Erwin clarified when Levi eyed him suspiciously, hesitating to take the mug from his friend's hands. "I knew you would wake up soon."
Levi didn't wait much longer once he got the confirmation he had asked silently and started sipping the hot beverage with a satisfied hum. He never considered himself awake before his first cup of tea, preferably black.
"And Happy Birthday to you!" Erwin gave Levi a genuine smile and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it firmly.
"Thanks."
"Do you like your gift?" Levi raised one eyebrow as a response, confused by the question of his friend. As far as he knew, he hadn't received any gifts yet, excluding the ones from the Christmas party. Erwin pointed at his mug with an amused smile and put butter in a frying pan he had taken out earlier. Levi eyed his mug, trying to figure out if it was new, but it was the same one he used every time he came to visit. He finally understood when he took another mouthful of his drink: he was talking about the tea.
"It's not bad." The blond hummed at his answer, his back turned to him, making pancakes one after the other.
Levi sat at a stool, drinking his tea, and watched his friend making breakfast. The tea was actually better than 'not bad', it was really good, but Levi had never been skilled at complimenting something or someone. Erwin knew, so that wasn't a problem. It was the advantage of knowing someone for so many years, you could understand the unspoken words behind the spoken ones.
Once the breakfast ready, Erwin eventually gave Levi the box of the tea, and the others came to join them to eat, probably lured by the smell of the pancakes. Hanji gave the raven a big crushing hug, like she did every year for his birthday, and Levi let her, even if it was depriving him of oxygen for a few seconds. He had tried dodging her 'birthday hug' one year, but she had run after him and he had still got it in the end, so now he preferred receiving it, get it over with quickly, and move on. It was better than running so early in the morning with tea in his hands.
A bit after 11 am, Levi and Hanji left the house together, the leftovers and their presents in bags, and went to Levi's apartment. Another tradition they got was to spend the day at the birthday boy's place while watching movies, eating and drinking. Before, Erwin spent that day with them, but now he was celebrating Christmas either in his or in Mike's family. Hanji was the only one left to pursue the tradition with. Levi had suggested that they stopped it when Hanji had started dating Moblit almost two years ago, so that she could spend the day with him, but Hanji had adamantly refused, stating that nothing would prevent her from spending this special day with his special friend. He was secretly grateful to her for that.
They started the afternoon easy, comfortably sitting on Levi's couch while watching TV. Hanji had found a cliché romantic movie and as they were watching it, they were making comments about the predictability of the scenes and were laughing – at least Hanji – when it got too cheesy. At the end of the first movie, the brunette had brought a bottle of wine and the leftovers to the table and had started to fill a glass each. Levi had eyed her suspiciously, it was only 2 pm after all, but had given up eventually.
Three shitty romcoms and one bottle of wine and a half later, Hanji was sitting on the floor in front of the table and watching the credits with utter concentration. On his side, Levi was eyeing the liquid in his glass like it hold the secret of the universe and hadn't even realized the movie was over. He hadn't been paying attention to it for a while, the alcohol always making him think about things he tried not to think about normally. It was one of the stages he eventually reached when he started to get tipsy, the next one being talking more than usual, and the following not thinking about anything anymore.
"Do you think they stayed together after the end of the movie?" Hanji suddenly asked with a serious tone. Levi hadn't been listening to her and just blankly looked at her.
"What?"
"The couple." She was still looking at the names scrolling on the screen. "They got together, kissed, and it's the end of the movie." She removed her glasses and put them in front of her while stretching her arms as far as she could. "But what about after that?" She finally looked at Levi, her glasses now on her head, and waited patiently for him to answer.
"What the – It's a shitty movie Hanji, it doesn't matter. There's no after." She stayed quiet for a while, her light brown eyes meeting his light grey ones, processing his answer. She then shrugged and went back on the couch to drink the rest of her glass.
"How is Eren doing?" She jumped from one subject to another like it was the natural thing to do, which was normally easy to follow for Levi when he was sober, but he wasn't, so he had to take a minute to understand what she had asked him.
"Fine, I guess." Levi checked his phone without thinking and immediately put it back in his pocket when he saw no sign of a new notification.
"What do you mean 'I guess'? You're not texting each other anymore?" She emptied the rest of the bottle in both of their glass and sat cross-legged on the couch, facing him.
"We are, but he's busy."
"Went back to his family?"
"Yeah." He didn't know why the conversation had to deviate in such a way, especially since he had been thinking about Eren only minutes ago. It felt weird to Levi to talk about him with someone else, as if it was forbidden.
"You're feeling lonely?" Levi gave her an annoyed and puzzled stare, not understanding where this was coming from. "You've been checking your phone a lot since earlier, Levi."
Oh, so that was what it was all about. Had he done it without realizing it? Did it really become a habit he wasn't even aware of? It's true that before, his phone would have been on the table or the kitchen bar, away from his reach, because he didn't really need it. But now it was constantly in his pocket so that he could access it at any time.
"You guys are really close, huh?" His gaze, that he had directed to his glass to think, went back to her grinning face, radiating confusion. He had really no idea where the conversation was heading to anymore, but there was one thing he still understood.
It was time for them to have a serious conversation again.
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, first, you're texting him all the time, something I've never seen you do before." She got a point, but he wasn't really hiding that fact either. "And second…" Levi tilted his head on the side, waiting for her to continue. Her face had softened a bit but was still serious. "You told him, didn't you?"
"Told him what?" Maybe another day he would have taken the time to think about what she was implying, but for now his brain wasn't very cooperative.
"About them." She reached for his knee with her hand and squeezed it lightly. "About you." Levi didn't reply but he held her gaze, mixed feelings passing through his eyes, and she knew without him answering that she was right.
"How long have you known him?" She may have had a plan to where she wanted the conversation to go with all of her questions, but Levi was having a hard time following. Still, he started counting before answering her.
"Around… Six months, I think." The first text he had gotten from Eren had been in the middle of June. Time had passed really fast.
"Six months and you've already confided in him about them? That's new."
"Actually, I told him two months after our first conversation." She looked at him with eyes like saucers and soon they started to get watery.
"But it took you almost two years to tell me!" She raised her voice but she didn't sound angry, just surprised and maybe a little envious too. "I only knew you had an accident because you were injured and had one arm in a sling but that's all!"
It was true that back then, it had taken a lot of time for Levi to trust Hanji enough to tell her the whole story. The first time he had seen her, in his first year of college, he had only said he had had an accident, since it was pretty obvious that he had been injured. And even when they had become friends later during the year, he still hadn't felt comfortable enough to tell her everything.
So why had he told Eren such an important part of his life, the most private thing about him, only a few conversations and months later? What had made a difference between Hanji and him?
"We're the same." He realized he had said it aloud only when Hanji had stopped her whining and stared at him in confusion. "Eren is like me."
Yes, that was the only plausible explanation. Eren and him knew the same pain, had went through the same hell, and that was why it had been so easy to tell him. Why he had felt so comfortable telling him when they didn't know each other that well yet. Why he was texting him so much. Because he understood him. They understood each other.
They were the same.
"Oh, honey, you don't really have the same personality, you know?"
"Of course I know that, shitty glasses. I meant that we're similar. We went through the same shit." Hanji gave him a confused and concerned stare; she didn't know about Armin. "He reminded me of the person I was 10 years ago. That's why I texted him back in the first place."
Hanji had been surprised the first time he had told her how he had started texting Eren, he had been surprised by himself too when he had replied to him that day. He had done it because he knew the pain of not being able to talk to someone and hadn't wished it on this perfect stranger. He had wanted to give them a chance even before knowing Eren and the story behind his text.
"You mean he… I- I didn't know…" After a few seconds of silence, her eyes started tearing up really quickly and she was crying buckets before Levi had a chance of reacting. He knew she could be a sad drunk sometimes but that didn't happen a lot actually. And yet he had had his share of drinking parties with her.
"That's saaaad! What ha- what happened to h-him?" She grabbed his shoulders and shook him a bit while her face was becoming wet with tears. Her voice had become hoarse and was trembling because of her outburst of emotions whereas her eyebrows were furrowed more than he thought was humanly possible.
"Calm down for fuck's sake!" He pushed her arms away to get out of her grip and moved back on the couch to get further away from her. "It's not my place to tell you this. I already told you too much." He watched her crying for five more minutes before standing and grabbing the tissue box from a cupboard. She thanked him in a tiny voice when he handed it out to her and blew her nose very loudly, which disgusted Levi. She eventually calmed down after using a dozen of tissues, leaving Levi the time to sip half of his glass.
"Have you sent him your picture?" She suddenly asked in a calmer voice. He eyed her suspiciously, searching for signs of what emotion she was feeling right now. She was changing her moods too fast when drunk.
"No." She didn't answer right away, looking at the tissue box in her hands, most definitely thinking of her next question.
"Why don't you meet him?" Levi would have spat his wine if he had been drinking at that moment – thankfully he hadn't. Instead, he had settled to look at her dumbfounded, confusion evident in his eyes, and waited for her to notice it. When he didn't answer, she raised her head and looked him in the eye. "You still feel guilty about not telling him it was you at the café, right?" He only nodded so she kept going. "If you meet him, you can show him your face while he knows it's you, and you won't have to send him a picture. I know you hate those. And you'll stop feeling guilty. It's a win-win!"
He pondered her words for a few seconds. Maybe that was a good idea. Or maybe it was actually a bad one. He didn't know which one it was at the moment, his brain not working efficiently yet. But something was still bothering him in her scenario.
"What if he remembers me?" She furrowed her eyebrows and so he felt the need to elaborate. "What if he recognizes me as the guy he's already met before?"
"How long has it been since then?" He had to think really hard in order to find the answer to her question. It seemed so far away and yet too close.
"Three weeks… I think."
"It's fine! Three weeks is a long time, he won't remember your face!" Levi was feeling skeptical about this but Hanji, on her side, was very optimistic. "He might remember meeting and asking someone, but not the face of that someone. Don't worry!" He still wasn't convinced about her idea and she could sense it.
"Levi. You guys live closer to each other than you thought. It might happen again without you being ready for it. Isn't it better to plan your next meeting with him instead, so you won't be caught off guard like last time?" Well, she got a point. "Besides, if you want to keep being friends with Eren, at some point you'll have to either send him a picture or meet him. Or both. So, go directly with the meeting part!" And another point for Hanji.
She was absolutely right about it but he still couldn't help but feel insecure about the idea of meeting Eren again. He had a bad feeling about it and couldn't shake it away. In a vain attempt to calm his nerves, he gulped in one go the rest of his wine and laid down on his couch, feeling a little dizzy all of the sudden. His head was full with thoughts that were mostly the results of his anxiety and fears, so he forcibly closed his eyes in order to ward them off.
When Levi opened his eyes again, Hanji was sitting on the floor in front of him, humming a slow version of the birthday song. How long had he closed his eyes? He had no idea, but the dizziness he had felt before was mostly gone now, and that was the most important part.
Now fully awake, he shuffled a bit and tried to sit up on the couch. His movements didn't go unnoticed by the brunette who turned around to face him, a big smile on her face and candles in her hands.
"Look who's awake!"
Now that she had turned towards him, he could see what she had been doing: a cake was on the table in front of her with small candles put randomly on top of it. Hanji liked to buy him a strawberry cake with a lot of cream every year, as if she was trying to kill him by exploding his blood sugar level. But he knew it was because every year he would use the cream to take his revenge on her over something she had said or done, putting it on her nose or face, and she secretly enjoyed it.
"We don't have any more booze! It's a serious problem!" He raised an eyebrow at her complaint and look at the time: 8 pm.
"I have to work tomorrow so it's not a problem for me." He empathized the last word to show her that he didn't care if it was for her. She pouted a bit but smiled again while she tried to light the candles messily put on the cake.
Levi thought she would burn herself at some point, but she managed to light all of them without damage. Once her quest fulfilled, she started singing 'Happy Birthday' to him, ignoring his annoyed glare, and moved a bit on the side to make room for him. He went to sit in front of the cake, waiting with a roll of the eye the end of her song, and blew off the candles all at once – there were only nine of them so it wasn't really difficult. She clapped her hands and giggled happily while he tried to remove the candles before wax would fall on the cream. He then took the knife lying on the table on his right and proceeded to cut the cake.
When he had finished cutting four small parts, Hanji was sitting cross-legged on his left side, a shit-eating grin on her face, and a gift lying on her legs. She practically shoved it into his hands and he looked at her suspiciously while opening the package carefully. It wasn't big, but it was a bit large and most of all flat. The package was also strangely bendable and soft. He gave up trying to figure out what it was and instead went on to open it.
It was a shirt. A black shirt.
He unfolded it in front of him to have a better look and smirked. On it was a red panda sitting on his ass and flipping the bird, a text written in white saying 'I'm not shy I'm just selectively social'. Levi didn't know if he would be able to wear it often – outside of his apartment at least – but he was quite pleased. The shirt was practically made for him and it made him smile lightly that he had a friend that knew him enough to buy him something that described him so well.
The rest of the evening was quite uneventful after that. They ate the cake – Levi putting cream on Hanji's nose like he did every year, this time because she had tried to get his shirt off so that he could try his new one – drank the tea Levi had gotten from Erwin, and just chatted about nothing in particular. When it neared midnight, Hanji left and went back home, leaving Levi cleaning the mess they – or rather she – had made during the day. He went to his bed once his living room and kitchen cleaned, his teeth brushed and his face washed.
As Levi laid in bed, he thought about how thankful he was that they had started to drink early in the afternoon and not in the evening. All of the alcohol he had drunk during the day was already out of his system which meant he would be fine the following morning when he would go to work. He normally could hold his alcohol down, but during the last drinking sessions he had had with his chirpy friend he had been drunk way too fast, more than usual.
Was it because he was thinking too much lately? Because he was too preoccupied so his body wasn't handling the alcohol like it usually would? Or maybe he hadn't noticed, but he hadn't drink at his normal pace which resulted in him being more affected by the alcohol even if he wasn't drinking too much?
As he replayed in his head the events of the afternoon, trying to recall something odd in the way he had drunk his wine, he suddenly remembered something far more important. Something Hanji had told him and that he had silently agreed to.
"Why don't you meet him?"
He would do it. Somehow. He just had to find a way to bring up the subject. He had to find the strength and the courage to ask him. If there was something Levi didn't like to be called even if he deserved it sometimes, was a coward. He didn't like it, but the dread and anxiety over meeting Eren under his real identity was far more acceptable than the guilt he had been carrying around with him since he had seen Eren at the café.
He would do it. He would meet Eren and reveal his face to him.
