Disclaimer: See others if you are still confused and want to sue me.
A/N: Alrighty here is Alex, a bit depressing but hey so are the other ones. I live for reviews! Ok, not true... but I do love them just the same. Enjoy! Xyli
He has nothing to hate except himself. He hates that fact; it stands alone. He hates what he has done to himself in the last ten years, really his whole life. It is a terrifying never-ending carousel ride that he can't get off of. Sometimes he wonders that if, at any point in his life, he had been shown some sort of working model of what a relationship could be he wouldn't be so damned. All he knows is that it isn't supposed to be like this. He isn't supposed to spend tonight drinking mass quantities of alcohol in the hopes that someone he knows will walk through those two doors and tell him not to leave. As he shifts on his all too familiar barstool his reality recognizes that it will not happen. He has been too effective. Too meticulous, too callous in his ways. He has spent a lifetime shoving people away who have any interest in him. At first he didn't understand it; he thought it was purely how the world worked. If his own father didn't love him enough to sober up and be a dad, then certainly no one else would care. If his own mother wasn't strong enough to stand up for herself, then that must just be how life goes. It took years for someone to finally convince him, Alex Karev, that that wasn't the way things worked. And when they did, when they opened his eyes, he became filled with rage. A lot of questions stemming from: Why me?, were aroused. He fixed the "problem" and about seven years after that, and he learned he only had made it worse.
Ten years ago he broke off what was the most stable relationship he had ever had with another human being. She was his college girlfriend. For three years she pressed him and molded him into someone so much better than he ever thought he could be. She was a psychology major, which in hindsight should have sent red flags up. He rationalizes now by saying that she probably only kept him around to study, god knows he is an interesting one. But after some pushing, persuading and prodding he came to trust her and let her in. She knew him better than anyone else ever will. He's going to make sure that he never lets anyone in like that again. Because damn did it hurt when they parted ways. These days he still gets the familiar twinge to let someone in and spill his guts, but he pushes it further down with the help of his new best friend vodka. Ten years ago he wasn't one for hard alcohol, but now it is the only thing that seems to work. Ten years ago he didn't even drink except on the rare occasion that she drug him out to a party. He was focused, precise, and ready for anything the world could throw at him. As long as he had her, he knew he could take it on. Then it happened. Ten years ago he fathered a child. He was sent into a dizzy frenzy of emotion. He was excited, thrilled, and scared out of his mind. It wasn't deliberate but not necessarily unwanted. He had planned to spend the rest of his life with her. Ten years ago he was ready to drop his plans of medical school and join the collared work force. He didn't care, whatever they needed he was going to provide. He was ready then. Looking back, he shouldn't have been. He never could've predicted what happened next. It left him broken, and scarred for life. He still thinks of her, she reminds him of the patient he fell in love with. Ten years ago when his mind was reeling from the surprise of a lifetime she walked away. She left him, she didn't want him anymore. Left without a word, like a movie, into the dark. As he pops a bar nut into his mouth and chomps down he wonders if he actually has a kid out there somewhere. He wishes he had someway to get a hold of her, kids deserve a father.
Ten years ago he did the only thing he could do given the situation. He threw it all into the only thing he had left; medical school. The people looking in on his life often wonder how he could push it all away for the job. How he could have no other life. But if they knew, if they knew his story, they wouldn't wonder at all. As he slams a fifty down on the bar for Joe he knows it isn't supposed to go like this. She taught him that much. So in a few short days he is leaving, like she did. Like they all do. Everything he touches runs from him. It is a curse and a blessing of sorts. Ten years ago he thought that he would have a life by now, but all he has is a job waiting for him in a foreign town. But he is determined as ever, as always. He will change his outcome, it is his time. Ten years ago he thought his number was called. He was young and naïve, but now, now he stands a fair chance. He is going to throw it all up, light it on fire, and watch as it sparkles to the ground. He will find something in the wreckage that has become his soul. As he walks out the door into the rainy and uncrowned street he thinks of her, the baby, and how it all could have been so simple a mere ten years ago.
