Agony went into writing this chapter. Hours of toiling over the computer, writing, rewriting, and then suddenly realizing that they were ooc, nixing, and redoing. I could never have done it without Marju, who read it and told me that at a certain point, they were being way to articulate. And then baka-deshi spent over four hours with me on chat, overanalyzing every last sentence.
Finally, though, I bring you this, in hopes you will enjoy it.
Despite how often as he had dreamed of flight, when Alfons' dreams finally met with reality, he found the experience rather terrifying.
One minute, there he was innocently sketching a perfectly good diagram of a flying machine, dreaming of the day when he could finally escape gravity. The next, he found his feet jerked out from under him and he was experiencing flight courtesy of one Edward Elric.
He would later deny forcefully that he had shrieked.
Landing on the bed knocked all the wind out of him, and it took his mind a few moments to re-orient. He was just starting to recover his breath, and had about come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to cough his lungs out, when Edward pounced.
He denied the second shriek as well. And the fact that Edward managed to pin his arms easily above his head had nothing to do with his abortive attempt at protecting his face.
"See, you are a demon," Alfons wheezed, completely immobilized. "I give. Have your evil way with me."
Edward looked down on him from where he was perched on Alfons stomach, and Alfons must have been imagining the slightly disappointed air about him.
"You're not going to resist?"
…Fine, so he wasn't imagining it.
"Are you crazy?" Alfons asked. "And besides, why would I?"
"But," Edward's brows furrowed, "I mean…dammit, can't you at least try?"
Right. He had forgotten that in Edward's lexicon, violence equaled fun. Well, he supposed he could try, if it made Edward happy…
Several minutes of squirming later, Alfons was much embarrassed, and not an inch closer to either bucking Edward off or freeing his arms.
"I don't get it, you never wrestled when you were a kid?"
It was very humbling to see that Edward's hold on him seemed to be practically effortless.
"You're probably ten times stronger than me, what do you want?" Alfons protested defensively. Edward sighed, and let go of him, leaving Alfons uncomfortable. He had never felt so inadequate in his entire life.
"Sit up," Edward ordered, sliding off of him. "I'm going to show you some holds."
"But…I'm a scientist. Why do I need to know how to fight?" He didn't have much hope that the argument would work, but he had to try anyway.
Frowning, Edward crossed his arms and glowered at him. "Because you should. And not knowing how to use your size to your advantage is just pathetic."
Pathetic. Ow. So he didn't have a crazy violent childhood, it wasn't exactly his fault! The prospect of spending hours probably getting pounded on really did not appeal to him. But no matter what, he wouldn't bring up the one argument that was sure to get him off the hook – that the only reason Edward wanted to wrestle with him was because that's what he was used to doing with his brother. He had promised himself to leave Alphonse Elric out of it.
And anyway, lately Edward had been opening up, and showing a more playful side, and if Edward really wanted pre-sex wrestling matches…well, Alfons would be damned if he couldn't keep up.
"Fine," he groaned, and hoped he wouldn't regret it. Edward immediately brightened, and started showing him how to get his arms free from somebody's grip.
"My wrists are bruised," he griped later, inspecting the purple marks. "People are going to wonder, you know! Couldn't you be a little more careful?"
Edward didn't seem to understand the importance of not acting in a way that would arouse suspicion, and brushed it off.
"Just tell them the truth."
"That we're fucking?!"
"No, that I'm giving you self-defense lessons," Edward snapped irritably.
"As if they would believe that," Alfons snorted. At Edward's curious look, he opened his mouth to explain, but stopped. How was he supposed to say that the others viewed Edward as a clumsy, slightly crazy sort of genius? To the best of his knowledge, none of their coworkers knew about Edward's prosthetics, and sometimes poked fun behind his back at his apparent lack of coordination. And the fact that Edward often mixed up right and left only made things worse.
Though they admitted that nobody could do calculations as quickly or as well as Edward could, Edward was still viewed as the stereotyped cracked genius.
"No, I don't suppose they would," Edward said quietly. Startled, Alfons glanced at him, and Edward met his eyes. "Did you honestly think I don't notice how they talk about me?"
Alfons flushed; frankly, that was rather what he had thought. Edward normally seemed so oblivious to what was happening around him, he figured Edward didn't know about that, either.
"It's not exactly like you're doing a great job trying to defend yourself," Alfons muttered defensively.
Angry, Edward glared at him. "I can't exactly explain myself to them, can I? And I can't allow myself to forget I'm from somewhere else, even for a moment. I have to keep my distance."
"Why?" It made no sense, this non-intervention policy of Edward's. "If you'd only open up a little more, you'd probably be happier."
"If I relax, I'll probably never make it home," Edward said coldly. "And anyway, it's not exactly like I have an enthusiastic advocate. You could open your mouth once in a while as well."
Alfons started to retort, but found himself unable to speak. It was true, he never did say anything; they were his friends, and he'd known most of them for longer than he had known Edward. "As far as they're concerned," he finally managed, "there's no reason for us to have any special connection. I don't want to get anybody suspicious of us."
"You mean, you don't want to be associated with a freak!"
"I am associated with you!" Alfons shouted. "I'm living with you! Anyway, you think I don't notice the looks of pity I get every time you're drunk and I have to drag you home? Or the way they shake their heads over your stories, and later ask me if you're always 'like that'?"
Shaking, Edward shouted back, "If I'm such a burden, why the fuck did you ever ask me to live with you?"
"You were practically living on the streets! What else was I supposed to do?"
"So this is some sort of pity kick for you? Taking care of the homeless lunatics?"
"I don't think you're crazy! You proved it to me, didn't you? But the rest of the world out there doesn't know that! To them, yes! You are crazy!"
"Is that why you wanted to fuck me?" Edward demanded. "Is it some sort of payment for putting up with me?"
How could Edward possibly think that?! "I want you because you're interesting and brilliant and damn good looking. But you're not exactly the easiest person to get along with. And nobody understands you. Get that through your thick head, because the way things are going, it's going to continue that way. Decide that you don't care what the world thinks, but don't kid yourself that they're not judging you!" Edward couldn't have it both ways. He couldn't keep up his 'from another world' act, and at the same time be socially acceptable. And yes, it was a strain being close with someone the rest of the world regarded as more than half insane.
Sometimes, like now, he wondered why he was willing to go through so much for him.
And now, Edward was back to being vulnerable, the strain evident on his features. "I don't want to hurt you, Alfons. I told you this wasn't a good idea, being together."
"You're not hurting me," Alfons snapped. "So far, I think the only one you're hurting is yourself."
Edward was shaking again, and looked more than a little unhinged, staring off into the distance. "I can leave," he said unsteadily. "It's not like it matters. I don't belong in this world. Maybe it's a dream. Maybe if I die again, I'll wake up, like last time."
It wasn't Edward's stories that scared him, anymore. It was when Edward started talking like this that he began to worry. When Edward's composure cracked, Alfons was reminded that behind his normally dull mask of depression and forced smiles, there was someone who was desperately afraid of being alone and forgotten. He couldn't even imagine the sort of strain Edward must be under, all the time, in his attempts to do the impossible, and this was one of those times when all the strain boiled to the surface.
It was completely unfair that when he was like this, Edward pulled at every single one of Alfons' heartstrings.
"Edward." He wrapped his arms around Edward's stiff body, and hugged him close. "It's not a dream. But this isn't Hell either. You're going to make it home. And if you die, I'll be very lonely, so please don't do that."
"Bull," Edward mumbled unhappily into Alfons shoulder. "It'll probably be better if I just vanish."
Alfons ignored the twinge in his stomach that the thought of Edward vanishing caused, and tried to speak lightly. "If you vanish, you know that I'll just have to spend all night running around and looking for you. And then I'd probably catch pneumonia. You don't want that, do you?"
Edward shook his head, but didn't answer verbally.
"And," Alfons continued softly, guilt welling up, "I'm sorry I never defended you. I'll try to be better about it."
"You don't-"
"I want to." Some gut feeling told him that Edward, if the positions were reversed, would have defended him loudly, belligerently, and possibly thrown a few punches.
Edward made a suspicious choking sound, and clung to him, allowing Alfons to pet him gently.
"Now, can we move on to the make-up sex?" Alfons asked. "I'll even try to resist, if that's what will make you happy. Or, if you want to bruise my wrists some more, that's okay too."
"F-fine."
Alfons hoped that the quaver was because Edward was trying not to laugh.
"But…" Edward began again, and Alfons wanted to sigh. Nothing was ever that simple. "Why do…I mean, I know what you said, but I don't understand why you would want…you don't owe me anything!" Edward finally burst out, looking genuinely distressed.
Alfons frowned, trying to understand, but all he could think of was, incongruously, the fact that his legs were starting to hurt. "Come here," he tugged Edward down on the ratty old sofa, shoving books out of the way. They sat facing each other, Edward fidgeting slightly, and Alfons debated whether holding his hand would be unforgivably sappy or not. Regretfully, he decided that it would be, and comforted himself with the thought of sex, which would hopefully be soon.
"Now, what am I supposed to owe you? We're friends, aren't we? Can't I want to stick up for you?" He felt a moment of panic. Alfons decided then that he really, really didn't want to ever know what the inside of Edward's mind was like. It must be a terrifyingly twisted place, for him to come up with these sorts of thoughts.
"Yes, but-"
Alfons pulse returned to normal.
"But I'm such a fuckup…and you're so.…It's not equivalent!" Edward snapped his mouth shut, his teeth clenched tightly, and his eyes searched Alfons' for some sort of answer that Alfons wasn't sure he could give.
"It doesn't have to be," Alfons tried. "Friendship isn't about equivalence…wasn't it like that with your other friends?"
"I dunno," Edward said sullenly.
Starting to worry, Alfons pressed, "You did have friends, didn't you?"
Edward gulped slightly, looking worried, but said defensively, "Uh, yeah, 'course. Like the soldiers I worked with. And Winry, my mechanic, I've known her for years. But I annoyed them, too."
Mouth working soundlessly, Alfons just stared in horror. It couldn't be… he would have to be a complete moron not to have noticed that Edward defined everyone by their working relationship. He hated to bring it up, but – "What about your brother?"
"Al would never leave me," Edward said confidently. "He's my brother." As if that explained everything. "But you're not."
"I'm your lover," Alfons burst out indignantly. "Don't you think that counts for as much?"
He hated the look on Edward's face with a passion. Why was Edward surprised? Why didn't Edward feel that way about him?
"Do you want me to leave you?" Alfons finally asked. He hated to ask such a loaded question, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to know the answer-
But Edward shook his head vehemently, and Alfons managed to push the frantic, blubbering part of himself aside once again. Edward wanted him to stay. That was something.
"But we're always yelling at each other," Edward said hesitantly. "Aren't you sick of…it?"
Alfons would have bet his entire savings that Edward had been about to say 'me', and felt an odd sinking feeling. He had never pitied Edward before; there had never been a reason to, despite all the difficulties in the man's life.
Only now he was realizing what a stunted childhood Edward had had, and he honestly didn't know what to do. What a mess.
Effectively, Alfons thought, this was the first time in Edward's adult life that he was actively trying to make a friend. And now, he finally understood why their relationship was so rocky: Edward was simply utterly clueless when it came to interpersonal relationships, though it was painfully obvious he was trying.
Edward wanted it to work.
"Just like you trusted your brother not to leave you, you need to trust me," Alfons said firmly. Suddenly he didn't care that he was comparing himself to Alphonse Elric. Alphonse might have been the only person in the world that Edward felt he owed something to, and Alfons wanted that for himself.
Edward leaned forward slightly, searching his face intently, and Alfons realized that he didn't know what their relationship could be called, but it could certainly never be casual.
Everything with Edward was all or nothing, and Alfons knew, now, that by comparing them to the relationship Edward had with his brother, he had pushed them both down a slippery slope, which might just lead to the kind of fairy-tale love that ended with a 'happily ever after', or a whole lot of tragedy.
For a moment, he nearly panicked, unsure – was he ready for that sort of all-encompassing connection with Edward? Would he survive it?
Before the worry could find some way to be articulated, he was distracted by Edward's lips on his. He was pushed down on the sofa, and only belatedly remembered to put up a struggle. Edward grinned at him, and he was fairly sure that he had only managed to get his right hand free because Edward had let him. He flailed around with it for less than a minute, before it was recaptured, and he happily gave himself over to Edward's ministrations.
And, some dim part of his mind thought, if a little resistance made Edward this enthusiastic, he would definitely have to do it more often.
Hours later, they had finally calmed down enough to crawl into bed. Alfons was just ready to doze off, when Edward's whisper dragged him back to wakefulness.
"Alfons?"
"…Yeah?" Alfons had learned already that sharing a bed with Edward meant that his nights wouldn't be particularly restful. Even when they finally decided to go to sleep, Edward was by no means a quiet sleeper. On a good night, Alfons would only wake up with bruises from being kicked. On a bad one, he would have to rouse Edward from nightmares multiple times.
"Would you mind….don't laugh," Edward cautioned.
"I won't. Would I mind what?" Alfons' curiosity chased away some of his tiredness. Edward's late-night talks were usually worth waking up for.
"Could you try sleeping on top of me?"
Well, that wasn't quite what Alfons had expected (usually Edward wanted to discuss weird theories…), but it was just as strange. He pushed himself up on his elbow to regard Edward curiously. "On top of you?"
"Well, yeah." The embarrassment was practically audible.
It wouldn't hurt to try, Alfons supposed. He had quickly realized that with Edward it was better to do first and ask questions later. Otherwise Edward would immediately decide that Alfons really didn't want to do it, and then it would usually take Alfons the better part of an hour to convince him that he had only been curious.
"Move over a little," Alfons suggested. Edward complied, and after several minutes of squirming (and a few muttered curses from Edward), Alfons was lying on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, squarely on top of Edward.
Edward quirked a smile at him. "You'll never be able to sleep like that. Put your head down."
With some trepidation, Alfons scooted down until he could lay his head gingerly on Edward's chest. "I'm afraid of…squishing you," he explained.
He could feel Edward's snort. "Are you implying I'm small?"
"No," Alfons said quickly, "I'm implying I'm heavier than you."
"Oh."
Silence stretched for a few moments, and Alfons shifted down slightly, making sure that Edward could still breathe, and lay his head on the right side of Edward's chest. If he was already lying like this, he might as well listen to his heartbeat.
Edward's right hand came up to rub the back of his neck. He tried not to eye the prosthetic's buckle warily, convincing himself that there was absolutely no chance of being poked in the eye by the thing.
It was different, but not exactly uncomfortable, except for one slight problem.
"Edward… my feet are hanging over the edge of the bed," Alfons whispered.
"Oh," Edward said weakly.
"Maybe we can try it a different way? I'm sure this will get heavy for you after a while," Alfons suggested carefully.
"I kind of like it," was Edward's answering mumble, and Alfons wasn't sure whether to be flattered or not. Somehow, Edward's 'compliments' tended to come out strange. Like the time he had called Alfons' hair 'fluffy'.
"Look," Alfons said and crawled back up, draping himself over Edward's side, with his head still resting against Edward's chest. "How's this?"
Edward shifted a little, then wrapped his right arm around Alfons, and sighed. "Maybe I'll kick you less, this way."
Alfons jerked his head up in surprise, only to have Edward push it firmly down again. He hadn't thought that Edward knew about that.
"It's not that bad…" he protested. The last thing he needed was for Edward to suddenly get on his case about the bruises. Sex with the prosthetics was slightly abrasive; there was nothing they could do about it, and Alfons was willing to put up with it, since Edward hated having them off. He shuddered at the thought of Edward deciding they needed to abstain, just to spare a few scrapes.
"Also," Edward continued quietly, "if you're here…" He hugged Alfons tightly. "Even if I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll always remember where I am."
Feedback would be appreciated like you have no idea...
