A/N: I successfully confused most of you guys so I'm updating sooner than I wanted to.. I planned to give you a bit of rest since I have not written a word to Chapter 8 yet.. but I post this so I hope now it will be clearer what is happening actually..
thanks LoveSparkle, bmwstamps, and Faith777 for reviewing and for all the few people who tweeted me telling me they are excited about the story :) i love you! also thanks for all the favorites and follows :)
I promise you guys if there is any confusion left yet it'll be soon clear just be patient and don't ask me what's going to happen because I can't tell lol enjoy reading and forgive me for any mistakes you may find!
Chapter 7
James woke to the smell of food. His whole body ached, he didn't know why. It wasn't till he opened his eyes that he remembered what happened.
He remembered because the world was black in front of him.
So it wasn't a dream. A drop of tear fell down on his cheek, then followed another and another one.
The worst feeling of all was that he didn't know what happened to Logan. He had a blurry memory about him talking to him, asking him to wake up, to open his eyes, to look at him. But James couldn't see him, and since then he had never heard his voice.
Knowing that he must have been at the hospital he searched for the nurse caller while he sobbed in his loneliness. By the time he finally found it he heard the door opening. "Who's it?" With his head he turned to the direction of the noise but in front of his eyes was nothing but emptiness.
"Mr Diamond." A man spoke. It was familiar but James didn't know who it belonged to. "I'm your treater, Dave Robertson. Tell me please, do you remember what happened?"
"Where is Logan? What happened to him?" James asked about his boyfriend using the opportunity. "Please tell me what happened to him." He begged. His eyes were open but it didn't matter how hard he tried he could not make out any shape or a light out of the darkness.
"Wouldn't you like to know first what's happening to you?" The doctor asked.
"It doesn't matter. I want Logan. If he's here I'll be just fine. I want to know if he's okay." He demanded Logan, unable to believe that he was sitting there in a bed tied because of his blindness and not a soul was willing to tell him a thing about Logan.
"Okay. We didn't want to tell it yet, because it may hold off your recovery."
"My recovery is unimportant if something has happened to Logan. I can't live without him. I need to know if he's all right." James cried burying his blind eyes in his palms.
"Please, James. Try to calm down or I'll have to give you medicines again." The doctor told him. James felt his hand on his shoulder. When James breathed normally again Dave released him. "That's better." Dave had to take a long breath himself. Yes he was a doctor and he had to give similar reports to lots of people day by day, but he had known Logan ever since college, and it was hard for him, too. "Unfortunately Logan couldn't make it without serious injuries, like you." James eyes burst out in tears yet again, but he didn't make a move or a sound. He needed to hear every word. "Just like you, James, Logan, too has a swelling in his brain. It was caused by the crash. You remember, right?"
"Yes." James whispered.
Dave continued. "In your case it seems to be temporary." He used the time to explain him the reason of his blindness, too while informing him about Logan. "It is pressing your optic nerves. This is why you can't see now. But it should be fine in a few days. It has already lost from its size since the first tests that we made when you guys were brought here."
Impatience started to grow in James. "And Logan?" He nervously asked.
"Logan's swelling is located at a much worse place. It is bigger, and we can't operate him, because there's a big risk that he wouldn't make it."
"No." James was now a shaking, crying mess. "I heard him the other day or ... I don't know when .. when .. when I woke up first ... when was that?"
"It was today morning. About seven hours ago."
"I heard him. He was here. He stood here next to my bed. Told me to ... to wake up and look at him."
"James." Doctor Robertson alerted the nurse meanwhile trying to avoid James getting an attack again. "that's impossible. He couldn't be here. He is here at the intensive care, just a few rooms behind."
"I heard him." James quaked. The nurse already appeared and he felt his heartbeat slowing down, everything got easier, his thoughts were almost as blank as his eyes, but he kept whispering. "He was here." He said one last time before dozing off once again.
The doctor wrote down to the charts that James got another dose of sedative, meanwhile the nurse made sure that he was lying comfortably. After that they left him alone. "Rosa. Please." Dave told to the nurse. "Watch him very well. If he's awake call me."
"Does he know about Logan?" She asked.
"I tried to tell him. But he kept saying that Logan was there with him in the morning when he woke up."
"That's impossible. We had to revivify him shortly before James opened his eyes."
"I know. I know. This is why we have to watch him very well. Do you understand me, Rosa? I'll see if we can keep him in anesthesia till his swelling disappears. If he continues causing himself such attacks it will keep him back from healing."
"Yes, I understand Doctor." The nurse said. "Would you like to take a look at Logan before going home?"
"Yes. I would. Poor him. I wish we could wake him." Dave sighed heading to Logan's room.
But in vain was everything they had tried so far. The results showed that Logan was in deep coma, the operation in turn could even kill him. Insomuch as Logan did not have any relatives, it could have only been James who had right to make a decision about Logan's life.
Everyone hoped that James would soon get his senses back and could make this hard decision.
Whatever it takes I need to get back to James. Logan didn't know where he was, how he could find his beloved James. He only felt that heavy power again that held him back from doing a thing.
Then he remembered. I can't even do a thing. I am a fucking ghost. or whatsoever.
He forced his brain to think again. He opened his eyes to see. He was in the hospital. He sat right next to his own body. Looked at it, spent who knows how much time with trying to get back into that half dead body. But nothing worked. Now he knew it. But it took too much time to remember. Something has seriously went wrong in my brain.
Realizing that he was unable to get back into life again, he just wanted to see James, to know if he was all right. Not knowing what day it was or what hour, he suddenly appeared in James' room. Was it just a minute for him to get there? Was it a whole day? Logan had no idea, but he was happy to see that James was still alive. How can you be happy? You don't know if he is okay. He knew that the charts must have been there at the end of James' bed so he walked there. Walking felt ever so easy like it had never been, he even enjoyed it. Kneeling down he read the words.
Oh gosh. As a doctor himself, he perfectly understood everything. With that he checked the date, too. The notes told him that the accident had happened only three days before. That's good. Even I have a chance to wake up. He thought and then remembered that he hadn't taken a look at his own chart yet. Stupid brain.
Giving a last look at James and whispering I love you to him, Logan hoped he could quickly travel back to his room and then again somehow appear next to James. It may be the easiest if I just walk. He thought smartly. As he stared at his boyfriend he remembered the previous times when he closed his eyes he had just gotten lost in that dark place and it seemed to take forever to get anywhere from there. Just go by walk everywhere. He hoped the little reminder was going to stick around in his sponge-like brain.
Seeing the results would have kicked him off his legs if he had had actual legs. He wasn't even sad for himself. He was upset because of James. He knew that James was soon going to be recovered, but he won't. It's going to hurt you so much. Logan wanted to cry, to curl up in the corner and sob a whole night long, but he couldn't. So he just closed his eyes and let the dark hug him.
The next time when James felt sunshine drifting through the curtains and warming his skin, he immediately knew where he was, what had happened. He didn't even want to open his eyes, knowing he wouldn't see a thing anyways made it all so pointless.
"Oh Logan." He sighed. He missed him so very much. He couldn't feel his touch, didn't hear his laugh, didn't see his face. Logan was somewhere else. "How do I get there where you are now, Logan, how?" He spoke to no one. "Logan. If I only knew how to get to your room. I could hold your hand."
James hadn't cried so much in his entire life. He always had known that without Logan his life would be nothing, but he had never really realized it, till the moment when he had to face the fact that he might lose him forever.
When James first called his name Logan suddenly turned up at his room. He watched him desperately calling his name, talking to him like he was there. But Logan didn't dare tell him that he actually was there. He didn't want to scare him. James needed to recover first. And then maybe, he could try getting in contact with him.
But then Logan recalled how he had always told to every one of his patient's relatives to let go of those who cannot be put back into life. It was easier for them to accept the fact that they may never wake up. What if I will be a just like some plant, living and breathing and yet unable to move to be at my senses? He will just need to move on, for the better.
But could Logan ever move on?
Was he going to ever accept the fact that he may not kiss James again, or tell him that he loved him?
We always tell people to let go of the dead ones. I've never thought that the dead ones need to move on, too, and let the living people go on with their lives.
But I am not dead yet.
He had no idea what to do. He just wished everything would be the same like before the accident. But nothing ever will be the same. Even with his half dead brain he could figure that out.
Making it quietly to James' bed he was hesitating. You give up, or you keep believing that things still can be fixed. You give up like James would never give up. You know, even if you want to move on, that he won't move on from you. He'll fight for you till his heart beats its last. He put his hand onto James'. When he did so, James moved. "Logan." He felt him, Logan knew it, but he didn't make a sound. Wait. I gotta wait. I don't want to confuse you. Knowing that James earlier heard him, Logan so wanted to talk to him, but he didn't dare. I'd just scare you baby. Logan thought, his touch never leaving James.
Logan kept caressing James' hand till he fell asleep again. Obviously his presence calmed him. James looked peaceful when he lay back on the bed and was about to doze off. It was nothing like when he had called him after his awakening. Then he was scared, and felt lonely, it was written to his face. But when his soul rested to sleep with Logan being there, it was like he knew that he wasn't alone and that he didn't need to be scared. I love you, James. He couldn't help but whisper when he already was sure that he was sleeping. And he hoped that James would get his eyesight back very soon, or the wait will make Logan crazy. He hoped that James would see him, like he had heard him, too. Nobody else every noticed that he was there. His spirit was an invisible breeze for anyone else, but it might have been visible for James. If you only kept believing.
He promised himself he wouldn't leave James' side anymore. I'll stay, to make you believe, to keep you hoping. And to keep myself hoping.
