A/N:
1) Apparently my muse is feeling reallllly flighty lately ... My deepest apologies for the long wait!
2)Sincere thanks for reviews, well wishes, and encouragement goes to: tmmdeathwishraven, AquaBurst, HowlynMad, MavericFlame, and Abandon-Morality. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.
Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.
3) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing.
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Loki's own breathing hitches as Tony Stark's picks up, but the mortal's return to consciousness also is a return to the awareness of his own physical pain, and as the mortal winces slightly before finally opening his eyes, Loki can only lean closer, his heart aching with guilt even as he is drawn in – needing desperately to see the eyes that had closed forever in death more than a century earlier open once again.
The first time their eyes meet, it is only for a fraction of a second, and when the expected horror does not appear in the mortal's gaze, Loki feels his heart leap slightly, despite knowing how foolish it is to let himself hope for something that his own actions have cursed him to life forever without.
When Tony looks away, taking in his environment even as he blinks to clear his blurry vision, Loki sighs, realizing the mortal had failed to react only because he had likely assumed that the sight before him was an illusion, and he is proven painfully right when Tony looks again at him, clearly terrified by the realization that Loki is no hallucination, and vaults out of bed in the opposite direction.
It is only when the mortal's legs give out under him and a strangled cry of pain is wrenched from his lips as he collapses to the floor, that Loki realizes that his preoccupation with healing the obvious life-threatening injuries had caused him to forget entirely about the almost-certainty of spinal damage – and a fresh wave of horror washes over him as he realizes that the mortal's sudden movement has likely at least partially severed his already injured spinal cord.
Driven by the need to know if Tony is even still conscious, Loki quietly walks around the bed, keeping a distance in case the mortal is awake, though at some level he hopes for the opposite, because at least it would make healing him – among many other things - that much easier.
Though he feels like he is already broken inside – crumbled beyond imagination, something shatters deep inside Loki when he finds the mortal, still conscious and obviously in great pain, having carefully levered himself into a sitting position against the side of the bed, and clearly terribly aware of his own inability to move further.
Loki sighs, fighting back the grief and guilt that gnaws at his insides when he enters Tony's line of sight, and watches the mortal react…. sees the subtle but undeniable tension that seeps into the mortal's form, sees the dread and resignation in the dark eyes that quickly sweep the room looking for some kind of weapon before returning to stare at him, senses the carefully controlled panic that is filling the mortal who knows he is entirely at Loki's mercy and also knows he will be given none…. and though Tony has yet to call for help, Loki knows it is probably only because the mortal is trying to keep Pepper from harm.
Loki wishes he could believe, even if for a moment, that this silent observation holds a glimmer of hope for him – hope that he can somehow find trust and redemption, hope that the mortal is not rightly terrified of him… that the mortal does not hate him for excellent reason – but for all that he wishes it, he knows that those hopes are nothing but cold empty illusions.
He knows too well what the mortal is feeling - knows from Tony's memories that it's exactly what the mortal had felt when Stane had ripped the arc-reactor from his chest, minus the shock and pain of unprecedented betrayal…. knows too well that the mortal's silence and apparent icy stoicism is simply extremely well controlled horror and resignation to an imminent brutal end he knows he can do absolutely nothing to prevent…. and Loki finds himself paralyzed by the guilt crushing him.
He knows he should say something, yet nothing comes out - no words can suffice to express the emotions ripping though him… so instead he remains silent, rooted to his spot on the floor….. because despite the visceral pain that had ripped through him as he heard the mortal's cry of sheer agony, despite the fact that in this moment he wants nothing more than to run to the side of his reincarnated mortal love and help him, heal him - to swear that he will never let him be hurt again – Loki knows that any attempt to get closer will inevitably result in the mortal struggling against him, and in so doing, further injuring himself.
A strange desperate hope flares within him as he sees curiosity start to rise and slowly overwhelm the apprehension in the mortal's dark eyes, yet it is accompanied by another crushing wave of pain when the mortal tilts his head slightly as he considers Loki's presence, eyes narrowing and a slight frown of concentration appearing on his features….. because Loki knows that expression far too well – he's seen it countless times gracing the features of his long-lost detective….. and right in this moment, all he can see before him is Sherlock Holmes – his Sherlock Holmes…. injured and in pain by his own hand….. and as the guilt and grief burn within him, tearing at his insides mercilessly, Loki finds that it is all he can do not to crumble to the floor like the shattered wraith which seems to be all that is left of him.
When Pepper comes rushing in – likely having been informed by JARVIS of the situation – and Loki sees the contemplative look on Tony's features give way to fresh and less-controlled panic, this time for Pepper's safety, Loki cannot help but breathe a sigh of relief…. because in this moment as Tony pleads with Pepper to leave, warns her of the danger, that calculating gaze vanishes and he reminds Loki just a little less of his lost detective…. and when Pepper whirls around to deliver to Loki a stinging slap, accusing him of causing this latest incident, it is – strangely perhaps - a welcome distraction.
Ignoring the look of shock and horror with which Tony is watching events unfold – and before the mortal has a chance to try moving again, Loki tells Pepper, making sure his voice is loud enough for Tony to hear as well:
"Lady Pepper, so good of you to join us, however I think Thor will be of more help in this situation."
Without waiting for a reply from Pepper, or her increasingly confused boss, Loki calls for …. Thor – it's easier to think of him that way than to decide what the Thunderer is to him at present - and it is only when Thor enters the room and walks to Loki's side, inquiring how his help is needed that Loki sees the last of the panic in Tony's eyes melt away, crowded out by overwhelming confusion:
"Anyone care to elucidate what exactly I've missed?"
Loki knows that perhaps the final catalyst for the mortal's question is the fact that he and Thor are in the same room, and in shocking contradiction to what has become accepted fact, not trying to kill each other.
That much – and only that much - is simple; it shows clearly in the way Tony's now piercing gaze is flickering back and forth between himself and the Thunderer, as if they are two parts of a machine he is trying to fix…. or two pieces of seemingly irreconcilable evidence in a case…. and no matter how much it hurts Loki cannot help but see Holmes once again.
On the other hand, the answer Tony is seeking….. is far harder – far more painful - and when Thor shrugs helplessly and silently turns to Loki, clearly expecting him to answer the questions that only he can… for the first time in hundreds of years no words will come to his lips.
How can he tell Tony Stark that in another life he had loved him and lost him?…. that he had given up searching for him in this world and tried to move on but knew that a part of himself had died with the detective in the icy waters of Reichenbach falls.
How can he tell the mortal that he recognized him only by the emotions reflected in his dark eyes as he lay choking on his own blood and staring death in the face once again?
How can he tell someone he tried to kill and had mortally wounded that he is sorry? How can he ever hope to make him believe that he'd die before ever hurting the mortal again?
How can Loki admit that whether he likes it or not, he cannot help but love him – and that for him and him alone, Loki has been forced to sacrifice all his well-wrought plans of ruling this world and achieving vengeance on his false-family …. because he cannot bear the alternative of sacrificing just Tony to achieve all that?
The guilt of not giving answers that this mortal at least has the right to know aches within him – but even that pales in comparison with the despair of knowing his feelings will never be reciprocated – that he can never hope to earn even Tony's trust – not after what he has done…. and though he knows all these truths are immutable – written into the universe itself by his own choices…. to have to hear them will destroy him inside….. and Loki does not know how to endure the coming devastation.
Unable and unwilling to open his long-forgotten heart to the one soul that had once won it and still holds it in this life though that fact is beyond irrelevant now, Loki only sighs, telling Thor that he needs to move Tony back to his bed without letting his back be strained any further, before he turns swiftly and leaves the room.
Once Tony is unconscious again, Loki will return and heal this forgotten injury…. but right now he cannot face the mortal he loved and almost killed, cannot bear the guilt that eats at him each time Tony does something that proves that he is in many ways very much the person he was more than a hundred years earlier….. and as Loki comes to the end of his aimless wanderings, entering for the first time the room he has been given, the wall of apparent stoicism shatters, and he sinks to the floor, resting his head on his knees, and finally letting himself weep.
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