Seven
Being caught flat-footed does not refer to someone removing your footwear and discovering the abnormal feet you have but instead is an action that can happen whenever something unexpected catches you off guard and you're not quite sure what to make of it.
For example, if you were to go to the zoo and look for a rhino and then arrive at the pen wherever the rhino was supposed to be and yet instead found a man dressed in a rhino suit, you could say this caught you flat-footed because you were expecting to meet with a live rhinoceros and yet instead you came across a poor excuse for a rhinoceros, even if the costume did make the man look rather like what you had hoped for.
Or in another case you could be hiding in a zoo in a rhino costume trying to ascertain a key piece of information on the off chance that another member of another secret organization was nearby or perhaps in another costume of equal nature and didn't realize you were hiding there among the rhinos and then a patron of the zoo realized you were a fraud and pointed you out to security, then you could say you were caught flat-footed.
But neither of these scenarios has a bit to do with the one that the Baudelaires were now in, and even if there had been rhinos or those in such costumes within the Ned H. Rirger Theater, I think it is safe to say that Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet wouldn't have been caught flat-footed on account of such disguises considering that they were now also trying to hide themselves amongst their enemies in the hope that neither Falo nor the former troupe of the wicked Count Olaf would toss them back down to the chamber below the stage. Rather what did surprise the orphans was the unexpected arrival of the equally wicked girlfriend of their former enemy and the four children weren't sure why Esmé Squalor was there, or more importantly; what she was plotting.
Since their last meeting with the devious girlfriend had been in the burning inferno that had swept thru the Hotel Denouement, Klaus, Sunny, Violet and Beatrice weren't sure what wicked schemes the female villain was hatching now in the year since they'd talked.
And what caught them flat-footed also was that they realized their disguises might not make a bit of difference now that Esmé was here, considering the fact that she had also been present whenever Violet and Klaus had pretended to be Beverly and Elliot the two-headed freak and Sunny had been Chabo, the wolf baby at the Caligari Carnival. So all of these things combined, along with the stare that she was now giving to them was more than enough reason for the Baudelaires to feel that they had been caught flat-footed. Sunny, in her shock at seeing Olaf's former wicked girlfriend; whispered Esmé's name as if it were a curse and the horribly fashioned lady muttered, "How is it you know my name, whelp?"
Before Sunny got a chance to reply, the villain was standing over her and gazing at the youngest orphan thru the massive sunglasses she wore and snarling, "What a horribly annoying midget you are. It looks like you belong in the House of Freaks." Falo was gazing at the Baudelaires as well, and Violet and her siblings wondered if he too had perceived that they were tricking him and would he now toss them back into the cellar below. The wicked C. Nimodi remained the most silent of all, his careful eyes monitoring everything the children did as if they were on scrutiny and Klaus and his sisters knew all too well that at least one person wasn't deceived by their disguises.
"I am Hope, the Lion Tamer; from the famous Caligari Carnival," Sunny replied, trying to hide the fear in her voice. Esmé continued to gaze her and then muttered, "I thought Olaf burnt that miserable carnival of Lulu's to the ground. But then again I guess it wouldn't be the first time someone escaped one of his botched infernos." "The fire was most severe, but my traveling companions have tried our hardest to revive the act we wish to perform," Sunny replied, trying to maintain a foreign accent; which might I add considering her recent transition out of toddlerhood was actually quite simple since not everyone except perhaps her siblings could clearly make out everything she said.
"And who are these? Your freaks?" the former girlfriend of Count Olaf guessed as she walked over to where Violet and Klaus stood in their confined costume and then glared down at Beatrice who was covered with fur before remarking, "Seems like I've seen all of you before." "Our act is quite famous, Madame Lulu trained us herself in her famous House Of Freaks. We are Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak and this is Chabo the wolf-baby," Violet explained. The villain narrowed her eyes, which might I add were completely surrounded by mascara and for a moment the children felt that their cover had been blown.
To have your cover blown is an odd expression all in itself and can mean a variety of things but in the simplest way it means whatever secret you were trying to keep hidden was not out in the open. For example, if you were spying for your closest companion to try and find evidence of his innocence in local newspaper headings but then someone pulled your bullfighter mask off and declared you were still alive and not in fact dead and then you had to flee from such an establishment then you could say your cover had been blown.
Much to Klaus, Sunny, Beatrice and Violet's surprise however Esmé merely replied, "Oh yes! I've heard about your act! How marvelous to finally meet you!" To state that the orphans were perplexed upon hearing this would be like stating a train can go very fast whenever it gets up to speed, both statements are so obvious and so therefore don't need to be mentioned. Falo seemed to relax just as Esmé declared this and then remarked, "I was beginning to wonder if I would have enough volunteers to assist in the play!"
"Which brings us to the matter we were debating, my dear Count. You know that I have always had the lead role in "One Last Warning To Those Who Try To Stand In My Way" and I will not even think to consider another!"
Klaus and his siblings exchanged meaningful glances at one another and wondered if Esmé Squalor was actually fooled by Falo pretending to be his good twin, Count Olaf, or if the wicked girlfriend could tell that the man in front of her was a fraud. Either way, it didn't seem that the villain had any intention of revealing Falo or the Baudelaires as she stormed about the troupe members and barked, "I refuse to play second best to her again! I'll not have it! Do you hear me? We're going to produce the play that is my piece de' resistance!"
The women with the powdered-faces tried hard to keep from giggling at Esmé 's poor attempts to speak French and Falo sighed in defeat before stating, "I think the final decision should be made by our esteemed guest and theater critic, C. Nimodi." All eyes turned to the man standing in the back of the crowd, whose own gaze had not left staring at the Baudelaire orphans and the woman who looked tall but actually was short muttered, "Yes, let Mister Nimodi determine which play we will perform." "Yes, C. Nimodi will know what's best, he is familiar with the theater," the short man who was actually quite tall agreed.
Even the mute seemed eager to hear what the wicked theater critic had to say.
"Well it would seem that the decision has fallen on me," C. Nimodi remarked and then sighed and said, "I think that the play should be "One Last Warning To Those Who Stand In My Way" and that is because Al Funcoot is the most renowned writer who ever was here in the Ned H. Rirger Theater."
Esmé smiled in triumph and then gazed at all of the members of Count Olaf's before remarking, "Well don't just stand there! We have a lot of rehearsals to prepare!" As the various members of the troupe began to create a set, Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice slowly moved to the other side of the stage where Falo and C. Nimodi were standing. The Baudelaire's current guardian and their adversary both seemed to be regarding them with cautious looks and Falo stated, "I hope you freaks know what you're getting into. You maybe in over your heads."
Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice already realized this as I'm sure you also do considering the long list I gave you in the last chapter so there will be no need to reiterate that list in this chapter unless of course you chose to skip the last chapter in which case you are probably quite confused as to why Violet and Klaus were masquerading as Beverly and Elliot the two-headed freak and Beatrice was pretending to be Chabo the wolf-baby and Sunny was attempting to play the part of Hope the Lion Tamer.
And since these events alone would surely befuddle you seeing as you hadn't read of them it would be even more foolish on my part to explain again in detail how the Baudelaires were in over their head, but I might add that the arrival of Esmé Squalor only made that list even longer and the Baudelaire's scenario that much more dire.
"Well I think these freaks could prove invaluable to the theater, their experience at the Caligari Carnival only proves that they can become excellent actors as well," the devious critic remarked his eyes gleaming slightly as if the wicked man considered his remark funny.
"I suppose so," Falo conceded and then asked, "But what tasks can a bunch of freaks help with?" C. Nimodi gasped in surprise and chided the Baudelaire's current guardian stating, "Why my dear Count! You should realize that a two-headed freak such as Beverly and Elliot can do twice the amount of work as one of our other volunteers, so they should sweep this auditorium! And of course, since Chabo the wolf-baby isn't human, any old food such as popcorn or candy we find stuck to the chairs it can gladly devour for us! As for Hope the Lion Tamer, she is accustomed to danger and should set to work on repairing the rafters above the majestic chandelier which also should be dusted properly."
Falo turned to the freaks and stated, "All right, you heard Mister C. Nimodi, get started on these tasks right away!" "What assignment will you be carrying out?" Sunny asked underneath her costume. The evil twin of Count Olaf smiled and answered, "There are to be a lot of guests here tomorrow night for the grand reopening of the theater and I need to make sure as many wicked individuals as possible come, along with noble ones too…"
Falo paused as if he felt he had said the wrong thing and then quickly added, "To make sure that they are quickly captured just as the Baudelaire children have been." C. Nimodi nodded and remarked, "Speaking of those miserable orphans, we should check and make sure that they have not escaped the cellar."
Klaus, Violet, Beatrice and Sunny all held their breath realizing the wicked theater critic's true intentions, as I'm sure you already were well aware of seeing as you know that a group of freaks were not standing in front of their former guardian, nor was a wicked theater critic intending to make sure the Baudelaires were safe, but rather to reveal them as the very freaks I have just mentioned who were now waiting to see what Falo's response might be to this suggestion.
"I think that is a marvelous idea! Before you freaks set out to your various assignments, I need you to make a nice meal for the orphans whom I have trapped underneath the stage. I know that they are probably quite hungry after having stayed there for most of the day," the evil twin of Count Olaf replied and at this the four siblings relaxed realizing that for the moment their identities were safe, and also recognizing that their current guardian knew exactly who they were.
"We would be delighted to," Klaus said. "Seeing as we are a two-headed freak, it should be easier for us to make a meal for your captives," Violet added with a smile.
C. Nimodi seemed displeased that his attempt to reveal the orphans hadn't worked and stormed off of the stage to follow the rest of the troupe who were already at work. "Excellent! Then we haven't a moment to lose! The grand reopening of the Ned H. Rirger Theater is tomorrow night, freaks! Get to work immediately," Falo said with a wink. Now that the four children were at last alone, they took a moment to regroup and gather their thoughts a phrase which here means "Klaus, Violet, Sunny and Beatrice talked in length about the many ways they were in over their head."
Bringing the most important matter to mind, the eldest Baudelaire asked, "What do you suppose Esmé is doing here?" Her brother shrugged and replied, "I'm more curious to find out how she survived the fire at the Hotel Denouement." Sunny nodded in agreement and remarked, "And how is she unaware of Count Olaf's demise." "Eferena," Beatrice stated, which probably meant "I think that woman has something in mind to trap us all" or perhaps "I'm more interested in getting a good meal then deciphering all of these mysteries."
Her siblings agreed with her on both translations and the four walked thru the auditorium to the concession stand and started to gather what food they had left for a small lunch. "All of this is aged and dry, but it's the only thing we have to eat," Klaus lamented. "We just need to keep our strength up and then go about the assignments C. Nimodi has given us," Violet suggested as her brother passed her some bread, which considering they were both still confined to the trench coat that made them look like Beverly and Elliot the two-headed freak, was actually quite easy.
"I could get used to being a lion tamer," Sunny said as she examined herself in the reflection and then added, "Fortunately there are no lions around for me to worry about." "Do you suppose that C. Nimodi is planning on hurting another member of Count Olaf's troupe… or maybe Esmé?" Klaus asked his siblings.
"Considering everything we've gone thru, maybe she deserves it," Violet remarked. Her younger brother and sisters looked at her in surprise and the eldest orphan explained, "I was only joking."
It is unclear whether or not Violet Baudelaire actually was joking, considering all of the vile deeds that could be attributed to the former girlfriend of their deceased adversary Count Olaf. And since I also well aware of many other misdeeds that Esmé performed both before and after her marriage to Jerome Squalor, then it may surprise you to feel that I also shared Violet's feelings that if something happened to the female villain it would be precisely what she deserved.
However, considering what I know now, I must admit that I should not have had such terrible thoughts because no one, even a wicked villain deserves to die. Not only that, but such thoughts as wanting to do ill will to those who have caused countless hardships on us can cause us to wonder whether we are noble or not, and since that is something that all of the Baudelaires were unsure about I cannot say for certain whether Violet meant what she said since I have never had the heart to ask her about this incident, considering what would soon happen on the night of the grand reopening of the Ned H. Rirger Theater, which will also occur only a few chapters away and if you continue reading then may I warn you now that even though we cannot say for a certainty whether or not the eldest Baudelaire was joking about wanting something to happen to Esmé I can definitely assure you that something will happen to the wicked girlfriend of Count Olaf and it will be most unpleasant indeed.
