A/N:Back to Santana's POV!
Chapter 7: Come Wake Me Up (Rascal Flatts)
That's all that I needed and that's all that I wanted.
July 27, 2013
Good Morning Henry,
I know that it's been a few weeks since the last time that I wrote and back then things were starting to spiral out of control for me inside. Things exploded when I found out that Britt's pregnant.
The signs were all there right in front of me but I just didn't think that she would be pregnant. The thought never crossed my mind or Quinn's for that matter, we have three pregnancies between us and neither one of us noticed until the day that she was walking by with that Grady kid. She had a hand on her stomach and that's when I noticed.
Dealing with her and him that day was the hardest thing that I ever had to do.
I didn't want to deal with it but I had to for her. She is a big part of addiction for me. It's why I was glad that I could convince her to go back to New York...I needed her far enough away for me to heal.
I love her and I want to continue to love her but I have to get strong first.
Will it be enough?
It has to be.
Anyway...today is Quinn's 20th birthday and the whole glee club is getting together at my mom's house and we are going to drink and swim and just have a good time.
Susan is taking the kids and Beth will be tagging along with them.
I am really excited to get together with the gleeks and just be me without the strain of Brittany or the responsibility of being a mom.
We are going to just camp out and then we are headed to West Lima for a hangover brunch tomorrow morning.
I'm nervous about being around so much alcohol...but I'm not an alcoholic...I can have one drink right?
I'm not sure how this works exactly but Rachel has already offered to keep me company since she has sworn off the booze.
Maybe...having her there will make staying sober easier?
Drinking might be pushing it...and I won't.
Wish me luck!
Love you!
Santana
I haven't heard from you since you got to NY...what's up?-Ana
Been bsy.-B
I thought you wanted to work through this?-Ana
I do...I jst need 2 focus. Wrkn n I jst mvd in w/ Grady-B
Ok, Just checking in. Are you okay?-Ana
A lil strssd but I'm doin da bst I cn rght nw.-B
Good to hear it. Let me know if you need anything.-Ana
Ok. Thnks :)-B
Is it crazy that I'm happy that Britt decided to go ahead and move on?
Like I told Sue, I'm just tired of all the cheating and drama.
I just want to be her friend, right now.
We had the rest of our lives to be together so I wasn't worried.
I was waking up these days feeling refreshed and hopeful and that's how it should be.
Despite knowing that I had basically just lost my wife to the guy who knocked her up, I didn't want to use drugs or curl into a ball and cry.
I was sure of who I was in her life...her first love.
That's all that matters.
I was floating in my mom's pool now, while the kids spent time with her and Padrino. They kept insisting that I get these moments to myself and so even though I wanted to be with my kids all the time, I was slowly realizing that I had to let my network help me.
"Ana? The phone...I think it's Brittany."
I lifted my head and shielded my eyes.
Mami was standing at the edge and was waving my phone in the air.
"You think?" I said as I jumped down into the pool.
I swam to the side and she pressed the phone to her chest to block out the sound.
"I know that it's her but she's crying so hard that I can barely understand her."
I was immediately on high alert as I climbed out of the pool and grabbed a towel. Mami waited as I took a seat on the side of the pool.
She handed me the phone and then waited for me to get on it.
Mami was right...Britt was crying, insanely hard.
Something bad had happened.
"Brittany? Honey is everything okay?"
"No."
"Where are you?"
"My office. I had to d-distract myself."
"What's wrong?"
"I-I messed up...I'm r-really stupid."
"You're not stupid."
"That w-wasn't me this morning that texted you...I wasn't near my phone...that was Grady."
"Oh."
"I-I...I want to come home. I know that you don't want me there...but...my heart...it's b-br-breaking. It's broken."
"What is it?"
I was getting really worried now.
What was bad enough to get her this worked up?
"I got...rid of the baby." She moaned into the phone.
Fuck.
"What happened?" I tried to say as calmly as possible even though I was freaking out inside.
"He...he...convinced me that it would be for the best."
My heart clenched.
I wanted to kill that asshole for manipulating her.
I know that he was using her for the show.
I knew that he didn't want that baby and once he could see that she was pregnant it became real to him.
But I didn't think that he would go this far.
"Where is he now?"
"He dropped from the show and disappeared. He stayed at the clinic until it was over, then he came back here and then resigned. Th-Then he told my bosses that I had pressured him into having sex. He's gone, Dionne's gone...I don't know what to do!"
Neither did I.
I mean this was the one thing that I hadn't done...the one thing that I had never gone through so I really didn't know what to say.
All I knew was that my mind was running in circles trying to think of how I could track him down and kill him.
I had warned him that if he hurt her, that I would personally castrate him but apparently that didn't scare him enough.
So much for taking time away from Britt.
She was going to need me now so strong enough or not, I was going to have to deal with this.
I was going to have to try and at least calm her down enough to get her to breathe because it didn't sound like she was doing much of that in this moment.
"Are you going to try and come home?"
"I-I can't."
"Why not?"
"He told my bosses...about us...they just left my office...they called me unprofessional and immature and they told me that if I wanted to keep this job that I needed to commit myself fully to the show and now it is my job to find a new male lead. It was harder to cast that role than the female lead. I have to keep moving forward, that's what they said."
"Oh...wow. Do you want me to come there?"
"No! Please...I just needed to hear your voice. I have to do this on my own. I screwed with what we had and now I need to figure this out by myself."
"I'm here if you need me."
"I always need you, Ana...even now when I don't want you. I will always need you."
"How long are you going to be at your office?"
"I have no where else to go. Sandra changed the locks on the house after I moved out so I am just going to just stay here on my sofa bed. It's really comfortable. Thank you for listening to me. I have to head to a meeting."
"Okay. Just...please promise me that you will call me if you need to talk."
"I will...I know you are partying tonight for Quinn. Have fun. I love you."
"I love y-" she hung up the phone before I finished.
I sat there with the phone in my lap and stared down at a picture of Britt holding Isaac.
"So what happened?" I jumped when I realized that Mami had still been standing there.
"She got an abortion...she's really torn up about it."
"Wow."
"I know, wow...what can I do Mami? Ayudame? What should I do?"
"What did she tell you to do?"
"Stay here."
"Then that's what you are going to do."
"Si, Mami."
My soul hurt as I took the kids to the Pierce's house.
I was trying to keep moving but it was so hard.
I was disturbed on so many levels.
Britt was hurting and alone.
She didn't have my network protecting her anymore.
I didn't like to think like that because then my cynical thoughts start like, she did this to herself and that's what she gets.
And I really don't want to think about Brittany like that but a big part of me felt betrayed by her.
Still though, I know what it is like to lose a child and whether she had done this willingly or not there was still a loss of life and when you are the type of person that Brittany is, that has got to tear into your spirit.
How was I supposed to help her through this?
Was there even a way?
"What's on your mind?"
I sat in the Pierce living room, breastfeeding Daniela and staring at the wall collage of Brittany through the years.
In each and every picture there was a sparkle in her eyes.
Would that sparkle be gone forever now that she had finally experienced loss?
How would this change her?
And most important...should I tell her mother?
As we headed upstairs so I could get the kids settled before heading back home, I kept thinking of ways to bring it up.
"Have you talked to Brittany, lately?" I finally asked as I put Daniela down in the crib that Susan had bought for her and put in Britt's childhood bedroom.
"No and we feel terrible about it. We acted rashly and then put her on that plane to New York. God knows how she's doing."
I had to tell Susan.
I knew that she would know how to treat the situation and right now I was totally out of answers.
I couldn't just leave Brittany in New York all alone with nobody to talk to.
I moved over to the window seat and then patted the pillow beside me.
Thankfully, Mr. Pierce had Isaac and Beth out in the back yard in the little wading pool.
I needed this time alone with Susan.
"She called me a few hours ago...she's...she."
My phone buzzed just then and I pulled it out of my pocket because now I didn't want to be too far away if Britt needed me.
R u mad at me?-B
No.-Ana
Did u tell n e one yet? I cnt do it myslf...it's 2 hard.-B
I'm with Susan do you want me to tell her?-Ana
Yes.-B
"What's going on?"
Susan had been peering over my shoulder.
I put the phone back in my pocket and then rested a hand on her leg.
"She got an...she...the baby's gone." I muttered not being able to say the word.
"She got an abortion? She stood right in this room and told me that she wouldn't, what changed?"
"Grady...he pressured her into it, he stayed there until it was over and then went back and told her bosses about the affair she pressured him in to and then dropped from the show. She has no idea where he is."
Susan looked at me with a clenched jaw and then brought her hands to her face.
I thought that she was crying but after a moment she took a deep breath and then looked at me with an angry glance.
"So now what? Are you going to go to her?"
"She doesn't want me there. I offered...and she can't come here or she's fired."
"My baby is over there all alone?"
"I'm sorry, Susan."
"This...this isn't your fault...it's mine. I should have been there for my daughter but instead I let anger cloud my judgment. This can cause her to return to her old habits. I really don't want her to end up in the mental hospital again. It was terrible. She was just unresponsive and cried all the time."
"What should I do?"
Susan rested a hand on my shoulder and then leaned in and kissed me on the forehead.
"You go to that party, you have a good time and then tomorrow and everyday afterwards, you focus on your babies. Focus on your recovery and then when the time is right...Brittany."
"So you agree with Mami and with B...that I need to just stay here?"
"Yes...because it's right where you belong."
"Your not yourself tonight, Lopez. Want to talk about it?"
I sat on the back patio watching as everyone had a great time in the pool and on the basketball court.
My mind was obviously occupied with what had happened with Brittany even though I had been told by both my mother and her mother that I needed to stay out of it and just try and relax.
But how could I?
I turned towards the voice and smiled slightly when I saw Azimio sitting there holding a beer in his one hand and a root beer for me.
"Thanks." I said as I took a slow sip of the fizzy pop.
"So...where's blondie?"
I just looked at him and then shrugged.
He could have been referring to anyone and even though I knew which blonde he was referring to, I just wasn't up for talking much.
"I don't know...who do you mean?"
"Brittany...your wife."
"Ex-wife...she's in New York."
"Oh...really? Back on the dick again?"
"Her or me?" I asked absently as I watched Noah jumping off the diving board with Quinn lifted about his head.
She was screaming bloody murder and I couldn't help but smirk.
Seeing Quinn, who's usually so calm and collected, freak out has always been one of my favorite things.
"Either."
"She's bi...so its always a possibility I guess...as for me...I'm definitely still a lesbian."
"Right...and the kids...just so happened to appear magically?"
I punched his arm and cracked a smile when I saw that he had the biggest grin on his face.
"What are you just in the mood to fuck with me tonight, Z?"
"If it gets you out of your shell...then yea. I miss the old Santana Lopez...don't tell me motherhood has completely made you forget how to let loose?"
"It hasn't...I just have a lot on my mind."
"Can you fix it or change it in this moment?"
"No."
"Then what's the point of worrying about it? Your best friend just turned 20 today, your friends are all here...your kids are healthy and safe...so right now...you need to celebrate...live while you're alive."
"Okay...okay!"
I stood to my feet and stripped off my over sized t-shirt, revealing my one piece underneath. He whistled and then picked me up.
"Allow me to be the first to take you for a dip."
I didn't scream or fight I just nodded and gripped him tightly.
If I was going in, then so was he.
He just didn't know it yet.
When you are sober the world is just so much louder.
Maybe because when you are on a bender, you are the one making the noise?
Rachel and I ended up sitting watch as our friends got trashed and tried to go for a late night pizza run.
Thankfully, we were able to tag team Noah and take his keys.
I ended up making the pizza run while Rachel watched to make sure they didn't have anymore bright ideas that might get them killed.
By the time that I got back with the pizza, the backyard was completely empty and so I was getting ready to head in when I heard snickering from above me.
My room light was on and then I saw the tree leaves shake.
They were in my tree house.
I panicked.
I was never quite sure how much weight that it could hold...three or four people, sure but when I left there had been over ten.
I dropped the pizzas in the kitchen and then made a mad dash up the stairs.
When I got to my bedroom, everyone was crashed on my bed or the floor watching a movie but my window was open and the light was on in the treehouse. I looked around the room and there was not sign of Rachel or Quinn.
I walked over to the window and leaned out and that's when I heard it.
"OH GOD! Shit Rachel!" Quinn yelled.
They were fucking in my fucking tree house.
I slammed the window shut and locked it.
That would teach them.
Bitches.
"I must be getting old! Man...my head is killing me!" Noah whined as we all sat around a huge table at We Lime Bistro.
This morning we were joined by Mercedes, who hadn't made it the night before.
She had lost a lot more weight and was looking happy about it.
"So...Aretha...how's L.A. been?" I asked trying to ignore the shitty looking people around the table.
"Good...I'm recording an album...all live music. Glee club inspired me."
"That's great!"
"Hey you play piano right?" She asked as she sipped her coffee.
"Like a fucking rock star." Noah said as he picked at his toast.
"Would you...want to maybe do a song together...lay down a track with some of your rock star piano playing?"
"Of course!" I said feeling, joy and light filling me for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "I would be honored to."
"Great! There's a recording studio downtown...maybe we can't rent out the space and practice?"
I nodded my head in agreement.
This would be the perfect distraction from Brittany.
Hopefully.
July 31st, 2013
Oh Henry...
I never dreamed of a day when rehab would seem like a better option than being out in the world. I'm so fucking tired of the way things are right now.
I'm starting to think that if I wanted to relax and just grow...that I should have gone somewhere a little farther than Lima, Ohio.
Everyone that knew, Britt was pregnant, now knows about the abortion and they are all taking "My Side", I didn't even know that I had one. This isn't about sides or about who hurt whom. I have two little kids who are in world of drama and they aren't even aware of it.
Britt has apparently disconnected her phone and has been staying out of sight. Susan went looking for her and couldn't find her. Ari hasn't even been much help, she says that Britt schedules private rehearsal times with the dancers but doesn't stick around much for rehearsals.
I was tempted at first to make my way back to NYC but then Isaac got this stupid cold. Sue told me that it was the universe telling me that I didn't need to go anywhere.
Henry, I jumped a huge hurdle when I was able to go through Quinn's party without taking a single drink and when I think about cocaine...I don't even flinch or crave. It's a part of me...it always will be. It's a fact that cocaine addicts feel symptoms or cravings sometimes years after they quit.
So I know that it's always going to be with me like something dark just beneath the surface but I feel like I can honestly not use anymore.
That's definitely a good thing.
Now if I could only be so sure of other things in my life like, how to deal with my family...my ex wife...my still existing eating disorder. I mean why should I have to deal with anything anymore?
I just want to be alone with my kids away from my family.
And...you know what? I think I know how to make that happen.
Maybe a vacation to St. Mary's?
I wouldn't go alone...maybe Rachel and Quinn?
I think I may be on to something Henry.
This may be just what I need.
Fingers crossed!
Love you!
Santana
Sue agreed almost immediately about my planned trip to the lake house and because she and Tor were headed to the Poconos for cheer camp soon she said it made her feel better about leaving me alone.
I was insanely quiet lately and had began to run twenty miles a day.
Ten in the morning, ten after dinner.
It helped me to clear my mind.
Something that I was finding it harder and harder to do on my own.
Brittany and I still hadn't spoken but I was making sure that the kids were still spending time with Susan.
It was necessary.
I wanted them to have that bond to Britt's family because they were apart of it.
No matter what happened between me and Britt, they would always be her family.
I knew that she was mourning the baby she had lost and pretty soon, I was thinking of taking a trip out to the city to get some things set in motion.
I wanted to go alone but everyone told me that it wasn't the best idea...even though I was only going to be gone for half the day.
So before our three week trip to my house on the lake, I enlisted Rachel to accompany back to the city.
I needed someone who was going to help me stay clean, just in case I was tempted.
Quinn was usually my go to girl but I didn't trust anyone with my kids more than her and Susan.
She volunteered to watch Daniela while Isaac went to spend time with both mine and Britt's mothers at the country club.
I knew that it was a huge risk going back to the city before I was ready to.
But something was drawing me there or rather...someone was calling me there.
She needed me and I wasn't going to give up on her no matter how much shit I got from anyone.
