Notes
Damn it! Exposition happened in this chapter :(
She breezed through the Trial of Skill, as they both knew she would. She was exhausted but triumphant. So much so that she forgot to be mad at him for a good ten seconds after the trial was over. He looked so damn pleased with her performance! She couldn't help resenting the touch of smugness she could see in him. As if her performance was his merit. So maybe it was, but she was not in the mood to owe anything to the man who refused to love her back.
She declined his polite invitation to have tea. This was a ritual that belonged in the days of her apprenticeship, and Rey was determined to leave that behind as soon as possible.
When they would join the Rebellion again she was going to ask General Organa for missions that did not require his presence. She had to forget the sweet blonde haired boy whose kisses set fire to her world. The only way to do that was to get as far as possible from the bitter old man whose eyes were trying to turn her heart into ice.
Obi-Wan's ghost appeared in her small room. She startled. Her first encounter with a Force-ghost. If she hadn't just traveled three decades into the past and three decades back into the future, she might have been more impressed.
"You did well today," her grandfather said.
"Thank you," she said, wondering if she was supposed to reply aloud or the ghost would hear her thoughts. She preferred to think that he could not hear her thoughts. She would be mortified if he would catch the slivers of memories that flashed through her mind every few minutes. Luke's kisses. Her mouth on him. His fingers in her.
"You will do well tomorrow. The Trial of Spirit is hardest for those who do not doubt themselves. I can sense you are in touch with the part of yourself that doesn't want to follow the Jedi doctrine."
Rey actually blushed at this. So much for not showing her grandfather snippets of her sex life.
"Why are you helping me?"
Obi-Wan sighed and sat down on the only chair in her room.
"Because I need to fix what I broke. When you arrived on Tatooine, I should have prevented you from meeting him, not suggesting it. He did suffer after you left. And when Leia showed up in his life… I just couldn't tell him she was his sister. I thought I'd have more time with him."
"I'm sorry," she said when he fell silent.
"I'm here because the way he dealt with the pain was to imagine that you had built a life for yourself after leaving. I know he hoped you would meet again. He kept that hope inside for about twenty years."
"How do you know?"
"I was with him. Just as I was with you long before you travelled back. He didn't need me, so I didn't manifest. And when he needed me he was so far gone… I couldn't reach him. When he sensed young Ben turning to the Dark, Luke almost killed him. The boy never even knew. Not killing him made Luke feel responsible for the slaughter. You had occasion to see the true passionate nature of the Skywalkers."
Despite the talk of slaughter, when Obi-Wan said passionate Rey had a vivid flash of memory. For a moment she felt Luke deep in her throat. She felt she was choking on his big, hard… Rey barely stopped the memory unfolding even more. She wondered if she could get more embarrassed during this conversation. Her grandfather went on with only the briefest of pauses.
"Out of all three of them, Luke is by far the most vulnerable. Both Anakin and Ben were trained by Jedi Masters from childhood, even if neither Luke nor I were among the most experienced teachers. Luke started his training as an adult. When he faced the Mirror, he didn't know who was his father, but he sensed the danger in following that path. If he or Master Yoda had been able to see further into the future, he would have never come out of the Trial of Spirit."
Rey was scared. She tried to understand why he was telling her all these things. She forgot she was mad at Luke. She wished desperately she could travel back in time to the moment of Kylo's birth and kill the monster herself. Kylo's birth was a double murder. For Kylo to be born Ben Solo and Luke Skywalker had to die. She felt Luke Skywalker die and had a nauseating sensation of a being of pure evil. Her Master's Light turned into its exact opposite. The darkness she glimpsed in Kylo was but a shadow compared to Luke's darkness. The gut-wrenching realization was that all this did not feel like an abstraction. It felt like… a memory. Obi-Wan nodded as if he could see her thoughts.
"Your insight serves you well. Your connection is very strong if you can see this. Indeed, he lost his mind and dove deep into Darkness. He managed to come back, but he was never the same. I was never so proud of him as in those moments when he decided to insulate himself from the rest of the world. To keep sane, he broke all the ties. Even with me. I don't know how he found Ahch-To, but without this place, the Galaxy would have had a far worse destiny."
"Where will you go?" he asked.
"Ahch-To," she answered.
"Anyone waiting for you?"
"It's where I have to be."
The memory was tinged with pain and lust. She had told him about Ahch-To. Another nod from Obi-Wan told her that he heard the conversation. The ghost seemed pleased to have solved a mystery.
"He was a good teacher to you although I cannot imagine how much discipline it took to wait for you to loop into his past. He got to be very good at shielding. I tried to talk to him over the years, but it was like a transparent but impervious wall. I could see him, but I could not reach him."
It was Rey's turn to nod. She knew that feeling well. She hadn't given it much thought before. Since she came back however… it was as if Luke was only physically there. As if all his emotions were stored away on an external hard drive.
"You have to be careful. He doesn't mean to hurt you. He is deeply disturbed by the present. It's not darkness, you would feel if it were. It's just a dangerous moment for you to take the Trial of Spirit because if you lose yourself, he might not be able to help you back."
Rey closed her eyes. As if the prospect of seeing her own darkness wasn't terrifying enough… she had to do it without a safety net. And yet… despite everything… she trusted Luke. She trusted that he taught her well. She knew he had molded her in his image.
Her Master had faced his own darkness in combat, when the greatest of all the Sith lords had offered him power. He had faced it when he had every right to hunt Kylo Ren and put him down like a rabid animal. Neither time he had anyone to guide him back. She didn't need him as a guide. She had him as a teacher and that was all she needed to Face the Mirror.
Notes
From Trial of Spirit
wiki/Jedi_Trials/Legends
To pass the Trial of the Spirit, apprentices had to look deep within their souls, on a quest of self-discovery. This test was designed to pit a potential Knight against their most dangerous enemy: the darkness within themselves. Often, apprentices did not like what they saw, and it could be a highly traumatic experience. Because of this grueling self-examination, this Trial was often known as Facing the Mirror. While bearing similarities to the Trial of Skill, this test did not involve moving at all in most cases; instead a Padawan delved deep into a meditative trance to combat their inner fears and demons. Because of the ultra-personal details of the test, it is one that not even the High Council dare dictate. A Padawan must write the script for what will transpire on the journey. Because of the dangers of such deep meditation, a Master was always present to help guide a student back after they pushed them past where they least desired to go in their thoughts. The worst that could happen following a failed trial is awakening from meditation screaming and mentally broken.
