Today is a double feature! Even I don't know why.


One needs to accept the cards they are dealt with

In the basement of Planeptune Tower, not too far from the nation's Sharicite, was an adjacent room with a round table and a low hanging flickering lamp. It had a homey, but also saloon like atmosphere. And just like in those old Wild West establishments, there were card games going on right now.

The players consisted of the unpredictable joker, Neptune, the ace of spades, Noire, the ace of clubs, IF and finally the triple seven of luck herself, Falcom (elder).

These four players were gathered at the wooden table with the intention to win it all! No holds barred. All out annihilation matches!

"So why are we playing Old Maid again?" Noire asked dryly. She was holding a great amount of cards on her hand and got rid of all the pairs she had been dealt.

"Because Nep can't remember the rules to Poker." IF said without batting an eyelash. She was used to this already. Her fingers were almost magic in the curious stunts they performed with the deck of cards that she was splitting to give everyone the same amount of cards.

"There are way too many!" Neptune complained. She missed a card that was thrown her way and picked it up from the floor. When she got up again she was hit in the face by the next card.

"Is that too many rules or card combinations?" Falcom asked patiently while neatly stacking all the cards given to her.

"Both of course." Neptune said as if it was obvious.

"Well let's just get this out of the way then. In Old Maid you split up the entire deck evenly on the amount of players except for one additional extra card. Then you get rid of all pairs you already hold." IF began to explain.

"Done." Noire said seriously. Half her hand was already gone!

"…next we draw always from the person right to us. If you got a pair, throw it out. If you get the Old Maid, keep it. Whoever's left with the thing by the end has lost." She rushed through the rest without much consideration. "Got it, Nep?"

"Why are you singling me out? I know how to play Lonely Granny!" The short-haired girl pouted.

"Hey!" Noire snapped at her.

"The heck? What are you getting mad at me for?" Neptune backed away on her chair for a second.

"Uhm…. Nothing." Noire seemed embarrassed now.

"Are you just drilled to explode when somebody says 'lonely'?" Neptune grinned.

"Hmph!"

"…that aside." IF got the group back on track. "If everyone's understood the rules then we can start, yes?" They all agreed. "Great. I draw from Nep then." IF casually picked a card at the left of Neptune's hand, who grimaced in response. Clearly the guild member missed the Old Maid by a hair's breadth. Afterwards she let Noire draw, who promptly got rid of another pair.

"This is exciting isn't it?" Falcom seemed pleased with her draw as well, as she increased the turned over staple to her right with another pair.

"Dangit." Neptune exclaimed as she drew from the red-haired adventuress. She didn't get to lose any cards.

While the rounds advanced the opponents made small talk, whether to lighten the mood or to hide their moves. With a statistical inevitability they ended up on a topic that concerned the new couple.

"I wonder if there was ever a romance between a CPU and a human before." IF said while looking through her cards. "It seems like that would end in tragedy."

"Iffy, I didn't know you were looking at me in that way! I am flattered and all, but I am already promised to someone else. Having your own game really has nothing to do with my interests." Neptune held her own cheek in fake embarrassment.

"In the mad world where I actually were to fall in love with a CPU it would never be you, even if you were the last one on the entire planet. I'd make sure of that."

"Ouch! Wait, that doesn't make any sense-" Neptune realized what IF was implying and went pale.

Noire sighed, because she wasn't in a position to agree with IF, but she really wanted to.

"O-hoi-hoi! If it ain't going to be me then… you can't possibly be into Vertipoo? I see how it is. You left Compa's mountains for an even taller range at the horizon! I'm almost impressed." IF kicked Neptune's leg below the table and then flicked her forehead as she hunched over in pain. "Argh… Nowa, your one true love is getting violated by a human! Don't you have anything to say about that?" Neptune rubbed her smoking forehead with teary eyes and turned towards the twintailed CPU on the opposite end of the table.

"Hm? What was that? I wasn't paying attention." Noire drew a card from IF without a single care.

"I can truly feel the love in the air." IF played with the green ribbon in her hair and snorted.

While they kept talking everyone was slowly reducing their cards, but the entire time the Old Maid didn't change owners once. Neptune's face telegraphed her emotions better than a neon sign ever could. In a way she was lucky they didn't play poker.

"Tales of goddesses falling in love with humans are quite common overseas." Suddenly Falcom picked up the previous conversation while calmly getting rid of another pair. "I even saw it happening with my own eyes once or twice."

"Your life experience is as ridiculous as always, but you sure seem casual about it…" Noire was impressed.

"As far as I can see love doesn't really care about barriers between people. Two goddesses becoming a couple does seem very obvious at first, but was there ever any example of it in Gamindustri?"

"Not that I know of. Maybe Histoire would." Noire tried to get away from the topic. She was doomed to fail.

"Speaking of barriers, did it ever worry you that you are both girls?" Falcom continued and asked the lovebirds honestly and without any hint of malice.

"What?" Neptune made a blank face.

"Why would that be a problem?" Noire seemed uncertain as well.

"Ahaha, looks like that was a weird question. There are places in the world where two girls falling in love would be considered extraordinary."

"But girls are so squishy and nice!"

"Neptune… dial down your creepy old man soul."

"Gamindustri really is a wonderful place where everyone is open to love who they want." Falcom nodded sentimentally. She put her gloved hands together in a gesture of appreciation of her homeland.

"Maybe it's because you are CPUs. Technically human limitations shouldn't bother you." IF threw in her own guess with a distant look.

"Iffy, you are saying some strange things today."

"W-why? I am just going along with Falcom."

"Maybe what she is saying is that you don't seem to care about gender or position. I suppose even falling in love with your own siblings wouldn't be too extreme. Human laws don't mean anything to goddesses." Falcom shrugged.

"W-with our sisters?!" Noire seemed totally shocked and almost let go of her cards.

"Nepgear is my darling sister, but that's not gonna happen. We aren't going to rip off more popular fanfics… yet." She waved it off coolly.

"That's the only reason?!" Noire's head sank in annoyance.

"That reminds me. A certain someone told me to ask you when you two are going to get married." IF looked into her cards with a solemn expression.

"No army can force the Nep into a cage!" Neptune made an X with her arms. Her opinion was clear.

"D-do we have to be m-married to be happy? Don't be stupid." Noire was acting tsundere of course.

"Sorry for bringing it up then." IF hastily ended the topic. Or she wanted to at least…

"I wonder what would happen to Gamindustri if you did though." Falcom was still oblivious to the tense atmosphere.

"Nothing, probably." Neptune seemed disinterested.

"Do you think we would suddenly fuse Planeptune and Lastation to drag everyone else into our personal affairs?" Noire questioned Falcom with a dismissive expression.

"You want to keep competing then?"

"Just because we are lovers, doesn't mean we stopped being the bestest rivals either!" Neptune grinned.

"Planeptune's meager results in research and development would barely boost Lastation's growth at all." Noire closed one eye and boasted such haughtily.

"You would be surprised! The boost would kick you straight to the moon, so you don't have to breathe the same air as us commoners anymore." Neptune was on edge now.

"I didn't mean-"

"You act like Miss perfect around everyone, but you can't fool the person who saw you with your pants down!"

"I don't even wear pants!"

"Beat me in fair match of Bombernep and then you can order me around all day!"

"That game is way too random with all the power-ups! What's fair about that? And the last three times I beat you, the punishment game was skipped!"

"W-well I had to take care of Nep Jr.'s work while she was visiting her pals."

"It's your work in the first place…" The raven haired goddess was already exhausted from talking to her definitely never-going-to-be-wife. It made IF and Falcom wonder how those two managed to get anything done between all the arguing and teasing.

IF put down another pair (she was out now) and nodded towards Falcom. The positive adventurer didn't seem to catch her drift. IF's green eyes went back and forth between the two arguing lovers and she made a cutting motion.

Falcom slapped her fist into her right palm and smiled with a light bulb shining over her short hair. It was the light bulb from the low hanging lamp, that occasionally sparked for a moment…

"How do you feel about harems?" Suddenly the air froze and everybody except the clueless Falcom got stiff. IF's eyes turned white and she wondered why she had left the topic change to Falcom in the first place.

Neptune slowly turned her sweating face towards Noire who was drenched in shadow and looking pale like a vampire.

"D-don't be silly. I'm 100% devoted to my shellbomb girlfriend over there… She is Ms. popular after all." There was a slight sting in her words, even if she was more afraid than anything for some reason.

"It's supposed to be bombshell. And you are holding your cards upside down." IF pointed out while unnoticeably pushing her chair out of the way. Falcom wasn't aware of the hell she had set loose and put down the last cards from her hand as well.

"Haha! L-let's not talk about boring stuff. Nobody cares about what happens in other Dimensions anyway-"

"I knew it!" Noire, like a demon of old, rose from the depth of hell and slapped her last remaining card on the table.

"My Lily Rank hasn't even gone over 9 with anyone but you old sweetheart ol' pal o' mine!" Neptune yelled as Noire began chasing her past the table. The two became silhouettes in the distance beyond the open door. Their chase was illuminated by the pale light of the Sharicite next door.

"Looks like they have nothing to worry about." Falcom giggled.

"If they were any more head over heels for each other they would need to fuse bodies." IF agreed with an ironic smile.

"Who asked you about marriage?" Falcom loosened her right shoulder and brushed her short skirt to get rid of wood dust from the old table.

"M-me?!" For a second a flush was spreading across the brown-haired girl's face. Then she realized her misunderstanding and coughed. "J-just Compa. She has been knitting some wedding gifts for a while now. I told her that wasn't going to happen, but she never listens to me. And she doesn't ask Nep herself, because she thinks it would ruin the surprise somehow."

"Compa is probably the kindest person I have ever met." Falcom said honestly.

"Yeah…" IF rubbed her head. "But she is surprisingly stubborn."

"Haha, I'd love to have someone like her with me if I ever get shipwrecked again. A great cook and nurse in one would be really useful. My party members keep creating new recipes from bugs and random plants they find." The life of a traveler wasn't always peachy it seemed.

"Don't treat getting shipwrecked as an everyday occurrence! And Compa can't go on long journeys now… she is just getting used to her new position at the local hospital." She denied her proposal harshly.

"Sorry. I didn't want to upset you. Compa is welcome, but I would never drag her with me." The short-haired girl apologized, which made IF feel like a fool for losing her cool. "Oh I didn't notice. We two were out already. Just who had the Old Maid anyway?"

"Does it really matter?" IF shrugged and rose up to stretch her tired limbs.

As they moved out of the room to follow Nep and Noire, the Old Maid card was clearly visible among the two cards that Neptune had dropped. Noire would have drawn from her for the final turn next.

Now all the cards were mixed on a pile again though, throwing the entire game into disarray. They would have to start all over again another time.

FIN


Joining a new club: The Extended Cut

Shortly after Cyberconnect2 joined the ominous organization devoted to love and justice ("justice is love and shipping is also justice") she was still full of questions.

"So how exactly do you choose the girls you want to hook up? Does chairwoman Uzume just go around and look at people's affinity gauges?" The concept of Uzume's secret and completely random power was still hard to swallow.

"Ahaha, that would be way too tiresome and obvious." Ultra Neptune said while playing with her nep-note. This mysterious book held all kinds of rare bugs and other creatures she captured into its pocket dimension or whatever held them in there. This mystery was probably greater than the meaning of life itself.

"That is very true." Vert adjusted her bangs in a ladylike fashion. "We do create profiles of all maidens that are in potential need of our assistance beforehand. Even if they are not yet aware of their blossoming feelings." The blonde goddess explained.

"You're really prepared. Awesome." CC2 was impressed.

"I got a new pairing!" Uzume declared suddenly from the back of the room, near her desk.

Everyone gasped and ran to the board that was covered in people's Bios and connected with several pieces of string to indicate the pairings.

Uzume was wearing a blindfold for some reason….

"Please tell me which cute girls' destiny I just uncovered ~" Uzume asked happily.

"Hm. It seems you wish to acquaint the hearts of Peashy and Financier the maid." Vert said while looking at two darts that were stuck in their profiles.

"Excuuuuuse me! You are just throwing darts to decide who's gonna get togetheeeeer?!" Cybercon almost fell over in shock.

"But look at all the information we gathered." Vert pointed at the Bios.

"Yes, what's even the point of that or Miss Uzume's 'Mystic eyes of love perception' if ya blindfold her and let luck decide though?!"

Uzume pulled down the blindfold and looked at her work.

"Ehehe. I can totally feel a connection between those two. This is unconditional love! Like a servant and their master's child!"

"Peashy loves getting spoiled and treated to good food, while Financier loves serving it." Vert nodded in agreement.

"Isn't that the most conditional and specific love between people eveeeer!?" She retorted to the group which was treating it as if this was the best compatibility of all time.


After a short tea time break.

"Haaah…" CC2 set her cup down. "I already agreed to join you and all, but I really wonder what the deal is. There're a bunch of better suited people, right? I just know about romance from what I read in manga."

"Perfect!" Marvy and Vert gave her approving hand gestures.

"Eh?"

"There is no romance purer than that of the second dimension!"

"I love the Cherry Blossom Annual the most. They have some very explicit stuff." Big Nep cupped her chin and winked.

"I'm really losing faith in this operation!" CC2 hand chopped the air, but then she sighed. "What about RED? She seems to be all about girls' love."

"RED is unfortunately an unfit candidate…" Vert seemed dejected.

"Why?"

"Well, assume she was actually involved in setting up a good meeting between two cute girls."

"Uhuh."

"Now imagine she actually meets either or both of them during the preparations."

"Mhm."

"She would end up seducing both of them and adding them to her harem in roughly two and a half minutes tops." Big Nep held up two fingers.

"…You have a point." CC2 rubbed her fake fox ears on top of her hat and admitted her mistake.


As Cybercon was being instructed on where everything was stored in the clubroom by Marvy, Big Nep suddenly received a call. The ringtone was reminiscent of some song she might have heard in an anime about dimension trippers…

She took it and started discussing something loudly with the person on the line.

"…Gearsy and Uni did whaaaaat?" She asked excitedly.

CC2 and Vert's ears perked up and they went over to the couch to listen in immediately.

"Yes? Down the stairs…... panty-shot? Face to skirt action? Slow down MAGES.! I see. The entire whipped cream? Uhuh. She licked WHAT?!" Ultra Nep rolled over on the couch while shaking her legs.

"Gearsy really is ballsy~" Then she waited for the next report. "In the bath now? Give me the juicy details! Huuuuuh? Is this even possible?! And without a towel! It's like they are oppositely polarized magnets! But for crotches!" She whistled.

"Hm? Oh not there? Well that's cool too. Just what are they- OOOOOH! Yeah, I got it. So it was a fair match. Mhm… yep… Gearsy won?" She bit her nail. "Uni… Ah makes sense. She got flustered. Got it." Finally Big Nep released her breath. "Yeah sure, call me any time. Buh-bye ~"

She looked up and Uzume smiled questioningly from her chair at the chairwoman's desk.

"No progress between them as usual." Nep said with a yawn.

"HOLD ON A DANG SECOND!" CC2's voice cut through the relaxed atmosphere like a hot knife through butter.

"Please calm yourself. This is a weekly occurrence between them." Marvy explained.

"They are doing all that… l-lewd stuff every week?!" Cybercon's tanned cheeks were turning a darker shade of red.

"Lewd? What do you mean?" Big Nep had question marks over her head.

"B-but…?"

"Anyway, it will take more than that to get those two past the threshold. Preferably some world ending threat that they can unite over."

"There were already at least two of those! How many more chances do they need?!"

"Good point… Perhaps we need something more romantic." Vert leaned her head on her hand.

"Like a fighting tournament?" Marvy suggested with a hand raised.

"Yeah!"

"Definitely not!" Cybercon facepalmed.

"Do you have a nice idea MAGES.?" Big Nep pressed the MAGES. button.

"For any grand revelation, there needs to be obfuscation first. The matter is clear, so don't ask for the impossible."

"That was a really passive aggressive way to say she has no clue…" She wondered if a cardboard cut-out should really have this much attitude.

With these girls on the job, maybe it was better to just leave the pair alone. They seemed to be on a good way, in a sense.

But Uzume cupped her chin with her slender hand and looked contemplative for the first time since CC2 had met her in this delusional state. It gave her the impression that she just had a flash of inspiration.

"Teehee." She chuckled. "They really are so cute."

Or not.

FIN?