Alice's first shopping trip as referenced is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here in FF.
Edward's behaviours and the family's actions described below come from Saudade by Haemophilus Leona.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp whose honesty and questions significantly altered the beginning of this chapter improving it immensely
(Updated 26 November)
Chapter 7: Facing Reality
Suddenly, I was no longer travelling with Carlisle and Edward in their car with my meagre belongings in the trunk to some remote location listening to stories from each of them about their early years and the struggles of being a vampire. What had happened? Where was I? Confusion engulfed me.
Backing myself swiftly into a corner of the room my movement cracked plaster and it was instantaneously obvious that I was already a vampire. Had I gone through the transformation without Carlisle biting me and me endearing the pain that he had promised? As I searched for answers, strangely, I became aware that despite my disorientation, my physical body felt familiar rather than new. Carefully examining my surroundings I was in a house, my house my brain insisted, in Ithaca, in the bedroom that Carlisle and I shared. The sun was hidden behind the horizon.
Memories of all my years since Carlisle had bitten me in the morgue filled me, and I became overwhelmed once more. Placing my hands on my head, rocking back and forth, I yowled in grief. This Carlisle, the one whose scent filled this room hadn't sent me to college, hadn't corresponded with me via letters, hadn't stayed my friend, hadn't tried to save me and my baby, hadn't told me the truth of his nature, and hadn't given me a choice. The Carlisle whose scent lingered in this room was the one that I saw for the first time as a vampire after ten years of his absence. Continuing my rocking I wailed, the longing to return to the Carlisle of my imagination filling me so strongly.
As the shock and grief that the Carlisle of my imaginings was not real passed, I became incredibly angry and began growling my teeth bared and my body ready to pounce. My anger surprised me and quickly I realised that it was expressing how deeply I wished to return to my imaginings. Once it became clear that my reaction and stance were in response to something imaginary, my anger receded like a wave pulling back with it so much of what had previously dominated me. I was left feeling numb. One thing was clear; there was no danger. Quite the opposite, I was totally and completely alone.
Where was Carlisle? Edward? Rosalie? Emmett? Alice? Jasper? Had I been gone so long that my entire family had deserted me? Had they tried to arouse me and had not been able? Fear and grief threatened to pull me under once more, but this time I centred myself rooting my thoughts in my present environment. With one inhale and a quick evaluation I easily concluded that the scents in the room were relatively recent, a week old at most. Thus, their absence did not indicate that I had been gone so long that their lives had moved on. Added to that, their scents swelled within me a deep assurance that if an emergency had transpired, they would have found some way to take me with them. As my brain supplied reminders of when I used to immerse myself in my imagination in my first years as a vampire, it also impressed upon me that Carlisle or Edward had always been able to stir me before. Thus, my waking up alone must be as a result of something else.
Although my conclusions eased my tension, it was, nevertheless, bizarre that Carlisle was not nearby, and, even more so, to have none of the others near the house either. Perhaps Carlisle was at work and the children were out hunting my brain offered. Certainly, Alice would have seen me awaken. Which begged asking: where were they? Why hadn't they stayed? I didn't want to know what possible futures her gift might have offered her in order for her to choose to not be here for my return. Or perhaps, simply, the time of my awakening had been too challenging for her to pin down, since no decision to awaken had been made on my part. Nonetheless, it was disconcerting, and caused me some slight anxiety. I comforted myself by the reminder that even if she had no time reference prior, her gift would have notified her of the change in my circumstance. Certainly, someone would be alone shortly.
Stilling myself completely, I listened attentively to my surroundings hoping to hear the sound of running feet or an engine approaching, but there was nothing. The only sounds that my ears picked up belonged to nature. As I listened to the grumble of the trees as they swayed, the squeak of the branches as the wind pushed them around, the sound of the leaves brushing up upon one another, the movement of the ants under the earth making their homes, or the birds in their nests, my body calmed. These very sounds were a balm to my soul. Taking in a deep and long breath, I allowed Carlisle's, Alice's, and Jasper's scents to enter me and become a part of me. Like I had done, since being turned, I chose to dwell on what I had rather than what I lacked. Exhaling I let my nervousness, aggravation, and confusion go, as they were obstructive to my truest self and the person I choose to be. Despite the fact that the Carlisle of present had not followed his heart a little more, he was still my husband and mate whom loved me dearly.
Even though I had grounded myself some, it was a challenge to stay in the present. I desperately wanted to go back to the Carlisle of my imaginings. Even with my expansive brain, I was struggling to reconcile that the events I believed to have happened slowly over ten years, had in fact happened in my head. Not to mention that my imaginings had given me a type of intimate insight into Carlisle that I could not be certain was accurate. It was like I had lived those years through him rather than my own life. If those two things were not enough to wrap my mind around, then there was the fact that I admired the Carlisle of my imaginings more than the one here in Ithaca. Our imagined friendship through those years had seemed to positively impact him into becoming a man more willing to have faith and to risk his heart. Although my brain understood the differences between the man I had just imagined and the man I was married to, the Carlisle of my imagination had felt so real and was closer to what I would have hoped for between us. My reflections on these differences stirred within me emotions that I did not know what to do with: displeasure, dissatisfaction, discomfort, and distress.
Despite my capacity to better understand what had happened, the experience from my imaginings felt so strong, almost more real than the room surrounding me. My imaginings from my early years had been the same. A few times I had imagined Charles as a better husband. Each time I had come out of those had been disorientating, but not to the same degree as this one, although in those cases Edward had guided me out helping me to become once more grounded in reality. Never before had I imagined something so close to what could have been true, so distinguishing between reality and my wishful thinking had been easier.
As my emotions calmed to a less intense state and the numbness that had momentarily overtaken me dissolved, I was able to think more clearly. With greater clarity arose many questions. The most pressing was how long precisely had I sat on the window ledge motionless lost in my head? I couldn't tell. Reminding myself to be gentle I took my phone out of my shirt pocket discovering that it was two-fourteen in the morning two days later than I had last been in this room. The knowledge that only a little over two days had passed was a comfort of sorts. It seemed to confirm my supposition that Carlisle was at work. However, that did not answer why he had not aroused me from my imaginings like he had before or why he had not stayed with me. It wasn't like him to abandon me. Perhaps Alice had told him that it was best to leave me be. Certainly he would be better served at the hospital than sitting with me. I knew that, so assuredly Alice would know that, and Carlisle would trust Alice's judgement.
My mental reassurance that everything was bound to be fine was unsuccessful in completely calming me. I needed to touch my family, see them, and take their fresh scents into myself. Since that wasn't an option, rather than focusing on my apprehensions or the imagined world I wished to return to, I, once again, attempted to take Carlisle's advice from those early years to ground myself in reality. Removing myself from the corner and returning to the window ledge I had spent the last two days in I forced myself to review these pasts months, post leaving Forks.
There was our time at the Denali's that had been filled with the details of our decision to move to Ithaca. Rather than speaking to my husband about what had been on my heart and mind, I had immersed myself in my role, the family's needs, and busied myself with the process of settling in and redesigning this house. I forced my mind to review how I had done the bulk of the household tasks; how Jasper had enrolled in a few classes at Dartmouth and helped me when he was able; how Rosalie and Emmett had helped initially, but after a week had left to travel unable to handle the atmosphere; how Alice sat focused on her gift using it to track down Edward; and how Carlisle had immersed himself in his work. Then Alice had brought Edward to Ithaca in a frightful state.
After that, when Carlisle hadn't been at the hospital, he had been trying to reach Edward. While Carlisle was at work, I had sat next to Edward with my hand on his knee attempting to merely observe our surroundings and be with him. Once again events had given Carlisle and I little time together, not that us being alone would have facilitated the conversation we had both been avoiding. Painfully I forced myself to recall how, when almost suddenly, Edward had come out of his state adamant on finding Victoria. We each had offered to go with him, Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper especially, but he had refused insistent that he needed to do this alone. In turn each of us had agreed to allow him to do things his way, although Alice had warned him that she wouldn't stop using her gift to help him.
Once Edward had left it, had not taken long before the house had felt dead. Carlisle had fallen into the guilt and doubt that had riddled him the last time Edward had left. These events, the busyness they had created, and the emotional turmoil they had generated had festered widening the gap between Carlisle and I. At least that was what I had been telling myself prior to my imaginings. In recalling these events in this way I could not help but see the moments in which I could have spoken and had instead remained quiet, just as I had over the last ninety years. Carlisle was more than my husband or a coven leader; he was the head of our family. We all needed him, and, if last time was any indication, what he needed more than anything was me. I was his heart, gave him heart, because unlike my imaginings, he had not really found it himself. And on this subject I did not know how to give it to him.
I consoled myself with the awareness that Rosalie and Emmett were in the best spirits, happy in their travels, but I believed that was mostly because they were avoiding the issue. Jasper, on the other hand, continued to stay away from the home and spent many hours at the college. Alice had been going on short travels to find out more information about her past. I think it was her way of coping. She needed something other than Edward to concentrate her focus. Carlisle and I had been both too shell shocked and upset to say more to each other than our reassurances of our love and bond for the other, both of us refraining from saying words that might be unkind. We had all been lost and sad as the gaps between Carlisle and I had become even more apparent and had widened.
Our widening was in greater part due to the fact that despite Carlisle's and my conversation in Alaska, we had not really ever repaired the tears that had happened as a result of our differing votes to leave Forks. It seemed that the silence between us had been damaging our relationship in a greater degree than I had first thought. After all, I had yet to find the moment to tell him all of what I had wanted to say, because I was lost myself in trying to find the words I had not been able to find for ninety years. It was partially why I had been on the window ledge. I had been trying to find a way to the words needed. Instead, I had been transported into an alternative version of how things could have gone. It was restorative as it was heartbreaking to sit on the ledge looking out the window as I tried to convince my heart that these memories with the heartache they brought were my reality, not my imaginings. My heart was resistant. It did not want to accept the truth that Carlisle had chosen the first path.
As my body and mind reconciled, the nature around me soothed me, and my world became more ordered, I still was unable to completely understand why I had come out of my imaginings alone. My focused recollections allowed me the knowledge that Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward were not living in this house, but that still left Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper. Certainly, of all my children Alice and Jasper were the most capable of handling themselves. They were bound to be safe and simply spending time together. And Carlisle was more than capable of taking care of himself. So, although I was consoled in terms of their well-being, I still had no good answer to why they were not here. Certainly enough time had passed since my awakening for them to appear.
One thing was certain: Carlisle would be home later. No matter the hour, eventually Carlisle always returned to me. Undoubtedly, whether my imaginings were real or not, they had changed me. I could not see Carlisle, our marriage, or myself the same. Consequently, my only restorative path was to try, once again, to see if I could communicate things in such a way that allowed Carlisle to see the situation from my vantage point. I continued to stare out the window while I allowed my mind to ponder how to do such a thing and prepared myself for my family's eventual return.
"Up here," I greeted Carlisle when I heard him climb out of his car just before the sun was about the break over the horizon.
He came up immediately and far quicker than he usually travelled looking relieved and a little ashamed.
"What is it?" I asked as soon as my eyes greeted him.
He opened his arms inviting me in. Accepting his embrace, he held me as if his life depended on it. "I thought I had lost you too, Esme." His voice was weak and distant. He sounded scared and broken. "Neither Jasper, Alice, nor I could arouse you from your state. Jasper was frustrated that his gift had no influence on you, and I was petrified when the things that had worked before did no good. Alice said you would come out sometime today, but I hardly had the strength to believe it; the fear was too strong."
Taking in his scent deeply reminded me of all the wonderful things about the man holding me. Yes, he wasn't the Carlisle of my imaginings, but he was still ultimately Carlisle, a compassionate, caring, loving, generous man whom I loved.
"Oh, Carlisle," I murmured into his chest. "I told you I would never leave you."
He took in breath after breath of me as if needing constant confirmation that I was present with him.
"You haven't done that since Edward had left us and you were still young," he finally muttered. "I didn't know what to think." He sounded like he was confessing a betrayal.
Withdrawing slightly I looked up at him and smiled. "That might be the medicine that is needed at the moment," I stated sweetly.
He looked down into my eyes clouded with confusion.
Making sure I was filled with love, tenderness, and compassion, I instructed him softly, "I want you to go to the hospital today and ask for a sabbatical. You may not take no for an answer. By the time you get back I will have us packed for our place in Newfoundland." My tone continued to be soft, but it was firm. I had less than a handful of times in our eighty-three years together spoken to him such. From his lost look I knew that my request was what he needed. On top of that, my request was what I needed.
He looked at me with wide eyes and speculation. "How long am I asking for?" There was curiosity but also relief in his tone and the slightest hint of worry.
"Indeterminable, but at least a month," I stated gently.
He opened his mouth, but then shut it again. His features shifted to acceptance. "Christmas will be a challenge for them to find coverage."
"Perhaps," I agreed, "but we have tried you at the hospital and me sitting in a perch. It's not working."
"If this is what you believe is needed, then who am I to argue?" he agreed after only a second's pause. "You have always been wiser on these matters. Let me get changed and I'll head back out to the hospital. If required, I will simply resign."
"If there are no other options," I concurred. "Our family comes first."
"Of course, my love. You are and will always be my priority," he stated emphatically standing up straighter and kissed my forehead.
His words were a balm to my heart and soul. He might not be the Carlisle of my imaginings, but he loved me completely. Leaning out of his embrace some I stared into his eyes and whole-heartedly said, "Thank you."
"I love you," was his reply.
"And I love you," was mine.
Then he quickly kissed me, changed, and left again.
I called Rosalie to tell her of my decision.
"Really, Esme? How can you do this? We don't know where Edward is. He could come back any day," she chastised me.
"Rose," I spoke softly and gently, "I know you're scared. There's nothing wrong with being afraid. It is scary. I was scared when Edward ran away during his rebellious years. I had the exact same thoughts that you're having now. He'll come back."
"You don't know that," she spluttered shakily.
"As well as I know him, Rose, I can. It's going to be all right," I assured her. "No matter what, we will be a family. Carlisle and I love you more than words can express. We are here for you. I need you to understand that we are a couple, too, as much as you and Emmett. We need this, as a couple."
"Yeah, I understand." She inhaled deeply. "I do. It just feels like everything is falling apart."
"Maybe that is what this family needs to become stronger, Rose."
She was silent for a long time. "You're sure?"
"Yes, darling, I am sure," I stated confidently. "You are still coming back for Christmas?" I checked.
"You going to be there?" she snarled.
"Of course, Rose," I assured her softly. "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No, Mom, never," she stated obviously impacted by my chastisement.
"All right then," I said softening my tone. "I'll be there. You just make sure to show up, darling."
I could hear the smile in her voice. "I wouldn't miss it for anything." She paused shortly. "Is Edward going to be there?"
"I couldn't say." Certainly she heard the sadness and uncertainty in my voice.
"I can't take any more deserters," she admitted heavily.
"He didn't desert us, Rose," I corrected. "He's dealing with his pain the best way he knows how."
"Well, he should just get over the human already and let things go back to the way they were," she stated irritatingly.
"I know you desperately wish for things to go back to before, but sometimes once things happen we can only move forward."
"Yeah, well, he needs to get over it," she grumbled.
"I hope he comes home soon, too," I told her.
"Fine, Mom," she relented begrudgingly. "I don't like any of it," she added emphatically and then softened, "Nevertheless, I'll see you Christmas Eve."
"Can't wait to see you Rose, and you too Emmett. Be safe you two."
"Always." Then she was gone.
As soon as it ended, I called Alice.
"It's a great idea, Esme," she greeted me when she picked up.
I smiled. Like Edward, her way of communicating midstream sometimes caught me off guard and sometimes, like today, I was incredibly grateful for it.
"Thank you for the assurance, Alice."
"Of course," she stated as if my appreciation was irritating her. After a short pause she added, "You're doing the right thing, Esme."
I appreciated her words and opinion, but this really didn't concern her. This was between Carlisle and I. Like all families our children would be impacted by us, nevertheless the problems between us were not her responsibility.
"Alice," I said with a bit of a warning, "I need you to not watch for a while as much as you can manage."
"I know," was her reply with sadness coating these two words. "Sometimes I get impatient, Esme, you know this."
I smiled. "Alice, darling, do you remember the first shopping trip right after you showed up at our door? You were impatient then too. What did I tell you?"
"That knowing the result ruins what I could discover along the way," she repeated robotically with heavy sarcasm.
I was smiling at the memories of that day. "I need you to remember that. We, as a family, are searching for something new. We all need to learn from our discoveries along the way. That means you as well."
She sighed deeply. "Do you think that might be why my vision isn't working right?" She sounded so sad and lost.
"Tell me what's going on," I implored her.
She sighed again clearly hesitant. When she spoke she sounded defensive, "Well, I know I promised not to actively look for Bella, but sometimes things just pop up anyway."
"You can't help that, Alice, even he knows that," I assured her.
"Well, yes, see, one video of her that came in of its own accord became fuzzy at parts like there was static interference. I searched forward because I was afraid something had happened and things cleared up once more, but it was like three hours later. These fuzzy moments are getting worse, even though I really am trying not to look on purpose."
"My darling, Alice, I was lost in my own imagination for over two days. We are all struggling. It's not surprising that your struggles might affect your vision. Perhaps your discoveries along the way will help with these issues. Please, for my sake, try to let everything but Jasper go for a few days."
"Okay," she relented. "You're not changing your mind? I don't have to check?" she asked sounding frightened, which was strange for Alice, since usually she was so certain about things. Perhaps this was a good thing, what she needed to improve for the better.
"I promise this isn't something I'm changing my mind about," I stated with conviction.
"All right, Mom, I will." Her teasing was sweet. "Thank you, Esme."
"I would do far more for you, my dear Alice. I love you."
"Love you too."
Then I packed, changed the voicemail on the house phone, made sure Carlisle's and my cell phones were being forwarded to the central number that would alert everyone except Edward if there was a call or message, and grabbed the emergency satellite phone. Jasper and Alice were going to still use the house, so I only prepared Carlisle and my room as well as our offices for a long departure. I was just finishing up when I heard Carlisle's car.
I came down and greeted him as he arrived.
"Yours or mine?" was the first question out of my mouth.
"I picked up gas in case you wanted to take mine." He smiled bashfully.
"Sounds good. Bags are on the steps. Everything is ready. Just make sure to lock the house on the way out."
He smiled, went to grab everything, and I went and sat on the passenger's seat.
Barely a hundred miles had passed when my mind returned to the struggles I had set aside when I had heard Carlisle's car. It was not just that the Carlisle sitting next to me had chosen to go left at those crossroads, but also that he had never expressed to me any doubt that leaving me behind at sixteen was the best decision he could have made at the time. Many decades ago when I had asked him if he ever doubted this decision, he had claimed that although he had thought of me fondly at the time, he had never doubted that he had made the right choice. He believed that God's divine providence had brought me back into his life. And I hadn't known how to articulate my experience against such strongly held beliefs that were so deeply embedded in his understanding of God.
I had taken no offense to his response; it simply reflected who he was. At every junction of his life he had chosen the rational option. It was not Carlisle that had changed. It was my heart. My treacherous heart, even with my husband sat next to me, liked the Carlisle of my imaginings better–the version where he was willing to listen to his heart some and risk a little in order to remain in my life. That was the Carlisle I had wanted to return from the hospital. It was ironic to think that my heart was choosing Carlisle over Carlisle, and I started chuckling at myself.
Carlisle looked over at me. "Care to share?"
"Absolutely and completely," I answered earnestly, "but travelling in a metal box surrounded by mechanical and unnatural smells is not the place to do so. I was simply thinking something ironic."
"Ah," he uttered quietly before returning to look out the window his hands firmly on the steering wheel.
After a few moments had passed and it was obvious that Carlisle was going to say no more, I returned to my thoughts. As much as I might desire to do so, asking the Carlisle sitting next to me to be the man of my imaginings was like asking him to not be himself. Carlisle had chosen to change Edward, albeit with some prodding by Edward's mother, because Edward suited all the rational elements important to Carlisle. Edward had been dying and Carlisle had judged him as a heart-felt, tenderhearted, self-sacrificing, intelligent young man. He had wanted a male because he was too much of a gentleman to manhandle a lady as he reasoned might be necessary from time to time with a newborn. Additionally, Edward had contained the qualities Carlisle had searched for that he had rationally decided would give the best chance of his creation sticking to his animal diet. That was not to say he hadn't allowed some room for affection to coming into the equation, rather, it would be to say that his ultimate decision was based on logic.
The same was true of his choice to change Rosalie. He had told me later that he had previously had the opportunity to observe Rosalie before he had found her in the street. He had seen many similar qualities between Edward and Rosalie and figured that with my assistance it would be manageable. He had weighed his choice and had decided to save, in the manner he could, someone that he saw to be good and contained many of Edward's positive qualities.
Emmett might be considered the exception to Carlisle's logic, but I believe that even with Emmett he made the rational choice–change a dying man or face Rosalie's wrath and perhaps the chance that she would stray from his diet. It was Carlisle's compassion put into rational use at its best.
I was the exception. He had no reasonable or rational explanations of why he bit me. He mused once that it was if he acted first and thought after.
Through the years Edward had claimed that I had changed Carlisle, and perhaps I had, but our pairing had not increased the part of him that would allow him to listen to his heart better like he had in my imagining. Carlisle had claimed, since our union, that I brought him balance. I had never had a reason to doubt his statement, but since Bella had entered our lives and I had watched choices being made, I wasn't sure if it had served either of us for me to balance him out. I had liked to hope through the years that I brought enough heart into the marriage for the both of us. Perhaps instead I had hindered him from finding that balance within himself. Not that wasn't sure about Carlisle or our marriage, but suddenly who I had been as Carlisle's wife had been thrown into question. I had worked at pondering these things when Edward wasn't around, when we were still in Forks, which had ended up being often as he was otherwise engrossed in Bella.
We had already travelled three hours and crossed into Canada when Carlisle finally spoke. "Did it help?"
"What exactly, Carlisle?"
"You being lost to me for two days. Did it help?"
I pondered his question curious that he described my imaginings as me being lost to him. Did that speak to some unspoken fear he held? Certainly his response when he returned from the hospital implied so.
"I did not leave you, Carlisle," I pointed out tersely.
He sagged whatever he was holding onto seemingly gone. "I know, my love. I was scared. Alice was certain you'd come out of it on your own, but I wanted to wake you. Without Edward to know what to say to intervene and pull you out, I was at a loss, so I left you to it. I have never felt so useless as a husband before, and both Jasper and Alice recommended I go distract myself at the hospital, so I did."
"Did it help?" I asked him.
"Did what help, Esme?" he replied with a slight smile in his tone.
"Being at the hospital? Were Jasper and Alice correct?"
"Yes, but more so when I was nearing my shift and I realized that medicine holds little value without you. I had medicine before Edward and it didn't fill me like you do, like my family does. I value the work, but you are astronomically more important than how I spend my days or how many humans I help. You are my moon and my stars."
Grinning broadly I slyly said, "Sounds like it helped to me." Reflecting on his original question, since awakening, I had been sad and angry; I knew that for sure. But had it helped? "Yes, Carlisle, I suppose my imaginings did help," I told him truthfully.
He smiled ruefully. "You seem different than you have been since we left Forks."
"Yes, I suppose that is true," I agreed. "We have a lot to talk about."
He nodded and frowned, but said nothing.
"What reason did you give the hospital?" I asked curious, aware that a change in topic would be appreciated.
"That our son had run away, and although I thought I could work through it, I had been wrong." His tone was sad with a touch of defeat and the thickest I had heard his accent in a long time.
I nodded in agreement of this explanation.
"I'm on suspended leave with no pay, but they're holding the position for my return," he elaborated.
"That was generous of them," I commented.
"Yes, I suppose, but for a human father without our resources it would not have seemed generous."
I squeezed his hand that I hadn't let go of since we had crossed the border. "Your empathy and compassion astounds me even to this day, Carlisle. The world is a better place because you are in it."
"Thank you, Esme." He squeezed my hand back.
We settled into a more amicable silence for the next five hours and I enjoyed examining the landscape.
"I called to inform the caretakers that we would be arriving," I explained wanting conversation. "They doubted the drive would be passable, but I didn't want to take Emmett's Jeep. I offered triple the rate if they could find anyone to make a path, but there's no guarantee."
He just nodded seemingly lost in his thoughts.
"I told them that we expected to be snowed in for the next month at least, so we were bringing enough food to feed an army and to not bother with the care of the house until further notice, but that we would pay them their regular monthly fee nonetheless. We shouldn't be bothered."
"And the children?" he asked sadly.
"They will come up, but be in their own spaces. Alice will arrange the details for the four of them. They will arrive on Christmas Eve and we will spend some time together then."
He looked over at me. "I'm glad." More than half an hour went by before Carlisle spoke again. "Do you think Edward will join us?"
I frowned. "No, I don't Carlisle. I don't think he's ready yet, but just in case I enacted all the regular protocols. He can find us if he's in trouble."
He seemed to relax slightly. "Yes, I suppose your right. Christmas has always been bitter sweet for him."
"Yes." We both had noticed how quieter and more withdrawn Edward was around the holidays. There had been nothing to be done about it, except to attempt to be considerate of him.
The next seven hours the silence was strained and I returned to my thoughts. Before these past few days I had never allowed myself the luxury of imagining how life might have gone differently for Carlisle and I. As this was merely my imagination, there was no way to know how the small differences I had imagined might have changed things between Edward and Bella. However, I was certain they would have changed Carlisle and I. Perhaps that in itself would have, in important ways, altered Edward. Perhaps Carlisle could have given Edward a different example of how to interact with a human girl besides leaving her behind for her own good. Instead he could have given Edward an example that showed how to honour a lady and the rules while allowing for circumstances outside of anyone's control. What was becoming clearer and clearer to me was that Carlisle saw the situation with Bella through Edward's eyes and I saw it through Bella's.
Nevertheless, it wasn't my place to second guess Edward and Bella's relationship. Edward had always been stubborn and prone to do things the most difficult way possible. Maybe nothing could have changed that. Perhaps Bella, given her close proximity to the Quileutes, would have eventually, no matter what, found out the truth. Then there was the reality of how her blood called to him. I didn't even know how to account for that. No, I wasn't wise enough to figure out that puzzle.
Carlisle believed fervently that things would work out for the best. When his rational mind could do no more he believed in the sovereignty of his God. That was his experience. Up until Bella this had served him well. I understood all of that. What continued to puzzle me was how he had not digested Alice's certainty that Bella would become one of us, or Jasper's insistence that his gift made it unequivocally clear that Edward and Bella were mates.
Most grievously, when I compared my imaginings to the reality of how I came to be with Carlisle, I was certain that I had paid too high a price for Carlisle's inability to follow his heart. He had paid a high price as well; he just didn't know it. I suspected that one part of the price Carlisle was paying was that it had made him blind to truths he would have otherwise seen, and if we were not careful Jasper's prediction would come true, for where Carlisle went the family followed.
By the time we had arrived greeted by a tunnel, more than a path, to get to the cabin I had worked through things. I was able to see my two days simply as a gift that had changed me, had let go of my irrational wish to have the Carlisle next to me be the Carlisle of my imagining, had recognised my own failings, and had forgiven Carlisle as well as myself for all the steps that had brought us to this point. As I surveyed the tunnel I was grateful. Grateful to the humans who had worked hard so we could get to our home, grateful that I had an infinite amount of time with Carlisle instead of dying from my jump, grateful for my family even if we weren't together, and grateful that I had fallen in love with a man who despite the hardships, had created a space unlike any other.
After getting the car into the heated garage and our bags into our room, we headed out to run and see what we could find in terms of wildlife. We found a herd of caribou. I had finished mine and looked over to my husband always enjoying seeing this feral side of him. He wasn't ashamed of it; he rather accepted it as a part of who he was, but he rarely hunted with anyone but me. Consequently, I felt as if it was something private we shared. I came upon him quietly, pouncing upon his back, and licking the space from his neck up behind his ear in one motion. He froze and then growled playfully. He moved his body to offer me room so that he could share his meal with me. I didn't need any more exactly, but I took it as he meant it, a peace offering. I slid off his back and manoeuvred myself so that I was under him. I took a couple of mouth fulls before I gave the animal back to him. He finished it off and then stared at me.
Pulling him towards me, I opened my mouth and pushed the blood that I had kept into his. His eyes widened slightly and he smirked probably remembering the first time I had done that. Afterwards I had pointed out that humans did that sort of thing with wine and such. That had seemed to soften him out of his shock that I had done such a thing. When there was no more blood between us, he licked his lips before he proceeded to kiss me on every point not covered by clothes.
Oddly, his desire seemed fueled by something instinctual and needy. His love for me was there, for sure, but there was something else. For what had felt like ten years I had imagined myself living the life of an alternative Carlisle, one that followed his heart more than the one kissing and nipping at me.I needed to fully and completely put that experience behind me and simply take from the lessons my imaginings had given me and that I had uncovered since I had returned, and face my reality. My body, my heart, along with my mind needed to be connected to the man centimetres from me. It was a selfish need, for sure, but after all these decades of marriage one thing I had learned was that coupling often was tinged with selfishness. There was nothing inherently wrong with that as long as both of our needs were met.
I went to take my top off.
He held my hands briefly. "Are you sure, Esme? We haven't since …"
Since he had decision for us to leave Forks. He had never, not once, given me more than a gentle touch or chaste kiss since that day. He would never push me to do something I didn't want to do. It wasn't in his nature. But it had been more than that. He had been withholding himself and I needed his physical presence in a way that I hadn't in the months before my imagining.
"Yes, I know Carlisle. You are my husband and my mate," I told him hoping he understood, then suddenly I felt shy. "But," I paused, "if you're not ready, I would understand."
He looked at me sadly. "It's like when he left before, Esme. I feel as if I need you even more." He paused and looked thoughtful. Suddenly the fear I had seen after coming out of my imagining was there. "You really scared me, love. I know we need to talk. I want to talk, but I also want to hold you close and be your husband."
"Then hold me close now and we will talk later. Here Carlisle, we are just Carlisle and Esme. Let it go, Carlisle. You don't need to be strong for me."
I watched as he evaluated my words and look. Then his whole countenance changed and he sagged into me. I held him close until his hands found their way under my shirt.
Eight days later we still hadn't actually talked about much. We had told stories about things we remembered fondly about our early years. We had read together out feet touching or me lying on his chest. Although we kissed, we hadn't been intimate since the night we had arrived. I suspected that my husband was afraid to admit how much he needed me. He was exceptionally skilled at denying his needs.
I was laying on his lap reading while he read above me, both our legs tangled on the couch. "Carlisle, do you notice that we have complete privacy?"
He paused reading. "I did."
"Did you notice that you have no work and there are no children nearby?"
He was giving me his full attention now. "I did."
"Then why has it been so many days since," I paused deciding a different approach, "I am beginning to wonder if I merely caught you at a moment of instinct and your interest has waned." I looked up at him watching his reaction.
First he was confused, then embarrassed, then displeased.
"Esme," he scolded. "How could you think that?"
"How could I not, Carlisle?" I questioned sincerely. "I didn't take my sexy husband to an isolated cabin in the woods for chastity," I teased.
He smiled. "I apologize if I ever gave you that idea, my wonderful and beautiful wife. I had assumed you wanted to talk first and since I don't know where to start, I have been waiting for you to give me a sign." He grew solemn. "For the first time in our marriage, Esme, I feel as if I am on shaky ground, and I'm unwilling to do anything that might disrupt things further."
I could feel the truth in his words along with his fear. "You know that even though I might disagree with you that I'm not going to leave you?"
He looked uncertain.
I turned my body around and grabbed onto him tightly. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Carlisle, if I didn't make myself clear."
"You were," he said into my hair. "You were clear. I was alone for so long, Esme before you came," he sighed and deep melancholy was momentarily etched in his features, "and," he sputtered, "it's not like I doubt you," he paused gazing into my eyes his concern evident, "we've just never disagreed like this before. I didn't know what to do or how to fix us."
I sat with his words and how my imagining had helped me understand them better. "I spent a lot of time thinking, as you know."
He was getting nervous.
I wrapped my arms tighter. "I'm not going anywhere."
He relaxed a little.
"I realised what part I played in our current situation," I continued. "And I want to tell you what I imagined over those two days. And I want to do both those things before the children arrive. We need, as a family, to talk. But, Carlisle, I can't lead the family. Especially the boys, Emmett, but particularly Jasper, need your leadership. If we are lost, they are lost. They cling to one another as mates, but they look up to us. It is the roles we have chosen.
"Our family will dissolve, as well the dream you have cultivated, if we do not first get on the same page. But I have to tell you Carlisle you are not going to like what I have to say. I believe that what I saw will be difficult for you. There are so many things I should have said in the early years, but didn't. We don't have to have us completely sorted before they get here, but this wall between us has to go."
I could feel his tension. There was a part of him that wanted to pretend that nothing existed outside these four walls. I had the same sentiment. He didn't want to work on things between us, but then, honestly, neither did I, but this was what we needed to get through. We both knew we couldn't leave things to simmer as they had been. We had tried that long enough. Despite all those hesitations, though, we both would do what it took to get us back onto the same page and not for anyone else's benefit but our own. The stakes were too high not to.
I turned around so that I was looking at him and put his hands in mine.
"Carlisle, this is about Bella, but in a way it's not. It is more about me. So, I need you to do me a favour. I need you to not be a doctor or a father. Right now I just need you to be a husband. I need you to hear me."
"I always listen, Esme. You know that."
"I do, Carlisle, but the truth is that I believe that on a rare occasion, in the past, you have not been able to put aside your own perspective and see mine. At the same time, I shoulder much of the responsibility. I haven't been clear. I've hinted at things and dropped information, but I never really came out and told it to you beginning to end."
He looked at me like he didn't believe me.
"I wasn't dishonest. Don't get me wrong, Carlisle. It's not that. More I was embarrassed to talk about it and I didn't think you wanted to hear it."
He looked at me expectantly.
"All right then, I'm going to tell it like a story, from beginning to end. I'd like it if you could just to listen. When I get to the end you can ask as many questions as your heart desires. Are you okay with that?"
He sat thoughtful. "Anything, Esme, I would do anything for you. This is an easy request."
"You say that now," I warned teasingly.
"I have to admit that your lead up is making me nervous, though," he teased back.
I bashfully looked down at our hands. "It's just going to take a lot of courage to say this stuff out loud and I don't think I can get it all out if I get interrupted."
His eyes softened, but I could tell he was preparing himself like when I had talked about Charles, my horrific human husband.
A/N: So, originally the next chapter was Esme's pov set in 1911, but my wonderful beta suggested, and I agreed, that it was unnecessary for the story I was telling. Consequently, I posted that chapter under "outtakes and oneshots". That way, if you want, you can read it. Or, you can just skip Esme's flashback and move straight on. Up to you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts. It means a lot to me.
