Chapter 5
Rain pattered down onto the stones, noisy and wet. Feathertail watched the rocks go from dry to soaked in a matter of seconds, her thick pelt tightening around her as it, too, became sodden and waterlogged.
She grimaced at the feeling. She hadn't had fish in so long the water wasn't shedding itself from her pelt like it used to. Even Stormfur looked uncomfortable.
"We'll rest here," Brambleclaw decided.
There was a large outcropping of rock here, forming a makeshift cave. It was still cold, but at least the rain was off their backs. Brambleclaw and Stormfur went off to hunt, leaving Squirrelpaw to lap at Tawnypelt's shoulder until the tortoiseshell went to sleep. Feathertail watched Squirrelpaw's eyes droop and decided she ought to keep watch.
Crowpaw slipped up beside her as Squirrelpaw rested her head against Tawnypelt. Feathertail longed to sleep, too, but she was too hungry, too distracted. The mountains were quiet and bare, sparse of life – and yet Feathertail was hearing whispers, whispers that got louder the closer and closer they got to… somewhere.
She felt Crowpaw press his pelt against hers. She purred. She knew that Stormfur was upset about his sister being so close to the grumpy WindClan apprentice, but Feathertail pad no mind – after all, Stormfur was infatuated with Squirrelpaw.
Feathertail could feel Crowpaw's warmth spreading into her.
"Brambleclaw's gotten us lost again," Crowpaw grumbled.
"Oh hush," Feathertail scoffed. "If you could lead us in the right direction, why aren't you leading?"
Crowpaw threw her a look, and Feathertail twitched water off of her whiskers.
"I'm starting to wish we hadn't come this way though," Crowpaw told her. "Clearly we're lost!"
Not according to the voices, Feathertail thought. She kept the words to herself. The voices were telling her to keep going – asking for her help. They chattered about her pelt and made faint remarks that she could hardly hear.
"We'll find a way," Feathertail assured him.
"Sooner or later we're going to end up somewhere we can't come back from," Crowpaw pointed out. "We don't need any close calls; not with a message this important."
Feathertail nodded in agreement.
"So…" she wondered, "what do you think will happen, once we get back? Once we tell the Clans Midnight's message?"
"You mean if they don't laugh at us first?"
Feathertail rolled her eyes.
"I imagine we'll leave," Crowpaw told her, softly. "Pack ourselves up and find a new home."
The thought saddened Feathertail – the thought of leaving the rivers, the reeds, the willow trees… the things that made RiverClan what it was for generations. But she imagined Twolegs stomping through the reeds – she had seen them before, with their great big feet – breaking the willow trees and stopping up the rivers. Her Clan would starve, and so would all the others.
"Do you think we'll travel together?" Feathertail asked.
"I hope so," Crowpaw replied, rubbing his cheek against her shoulder. "There have always been four Clans – how can there be four when we split up?"
Feathertail nodded in agreement. Despite the gloomy setting, Crowpaw was beginning to sound like he was changing – at least, around her he did. Around the others he was still his grumpy self. Feathertail had tried urging him to change that, but he refused to let his guard down for anyone but Feathertail.
It seemed so unfair that she was the only one who saw this side of him.
"I want to be with you, Feathertail," Crowpaw whispered. Feathertail strained her ears to hear him. "You make me so happy, and I can't bear the thought of being without you… you're the first cat to ever see me for me, for who I really am. I don't want to lose you."
Feathertail purred and twined her tail with his. She gave his ear a reassuring lick. "Don't worry," she murmured. "We'll find a way."
Crowpaw leaned into her, and Feathertail felt him purr. She rested her head on his and sighed. The voices whispered in her ears, but she ignored them. Whatever fate they were talking about, it couldn't possibly draw her away from Crowpaw…
"I'm here, Featherpaw – talk," Heathertail invited.
Featherpaw situated herself on a cold, windblown rock. Her heart was stirring in her chest, and her mind was buzzing with questions. Her mouth tasted faintly of salt.
The dreams were getting stranger – faster-paced, and more fervent. Featherpaw had woken up three times since Applefrost's warrior ceremony a moon ago with the feeling of something nagging at the back of her mind. The thought that, for a moment, the hills were unfamiliar – a place where she shouldn't be. Crowfeather's barbs weren't stinging as much as they ought to – was her fur thicker, or did it have to do with her dreams?
She was utterly confused.
But that was not why she was talking to her mother.
"Well?" Heathertail asked. "You didn't ask me to come out here in the dead of leaf-bare for nothing, Featherpaw."
Snow crunched on the ground, falling from a tree branch. They were in the forest on the ThunderClan border, where it was silent. It seemed like their voices were bouncing off of the trees, and Featherpaw sighed.
"I want to be back in time for the ceremony," Heathertail pressed. "Hurry."
Featherpaw's denmates were becoming warriors today. Kits of the Clan leader – it was a big deal. The whole camp was buzzing with excitement, and Featherpaw herself couldn't help but feel a little pang of jealousy.
Featherpaw shook her head and focused on her mother's pale blue eyes.
"I… I think I'm in love with Applefrost," Featherpaw meowed.
Heathertail blinked. She was not surprised.
"I'm… I'm scared to tell him," Featherpaw went on, tasting salt in her mouth. "I'm worried something might go wrong, or that he doesn't really care about me. I'm just… scared."
Heathertail blinked again, calmly.
"I don't want to rush too quickly into something I'm not ready for," Featherpaw went on. "I don't want it to feel like I was never my own independent cat. I don't know what it feels like to really be in love, Mother; I just don't want to get it wrong and end up regretting it for the rest of my life."
"It's normal to worry about these things," Heathertail said, softly. "Oh Featherpaw; you're a little young to be in love, don't you think?"
"But I really do care about him, Mother!" Featherpaw insisted. "He's strong and kind and sweet, and he's just… right."
"Then what's there to worry about?"
"I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I made a horrible mistake," Featherpaw said. "I don't want to think that maybe some other cat would be better, or that I'm missing out on something other cats get to experience. I don't want to regret it."
"You don't want to end up like Nightcloud," Heathertail realized.
Featherpaw nodded.
Heathertail let out a comforting murmur as she pressed her pelt against her daughter's.
"Oh Featherpaw," she sighed, "love is a complicated mess. It's not like hunting, where you either catch the prey or you don't. It's not normally a game for cats as young as you."
Heathertail leaned in and licked Featherpaw between the ears. "Can you keep a secret, sweet daughter of mine?" she asked.
Featherpaw nodded.
"I was in love once," Heathertail meowed.
"With Father?" Featherpaw asked. The entire Clan was aware that Heathertail and Emberfoot were no longer mates in an official sense – according to nearly everyone, the breakup had happened soon after Featherpaw and Woollypaw had been born. Some part of her hoped that it wasn't true, but it was clear that Heathertail and Emberfoot were not affectionate towards one another outside of what was dutiful and necessary.
Heathertail shook her head. "Emberfoot and I may not have loved each other, but we trusted each other and were good friends. We decided that having kits was a good idea; for the good of the Clan. Oh, we love you both so very much – but we don't have feelings for one another outside of friendship. No, Featherpaw, I don't think I could truly love another cat again."
"Then who did you love?" Featherpaw asked.
"I was in love with Lionblaze of ThunderClan," Heathertail meowed. Her eyes darkened.
Featherpaw recoiled in shock. Heathertail, one of WindClan's most loyal warriors, in love with a ThunderClan cat?
"We were apprentices," Heathertail said. "Young and stupid. We found the tunnels beneath our territory, you see, and I invited Lionblaze to come down there with me and play games. We never shared skills or secrets, and things had been going just fine…
"Until Lionblaze pulled away from me. I had fallen for him, but I had made the mistake of thinking he had done the same for me," Heathertail explained. "When he told me he didn't want to see me again it felt like my world was crumbling out from beneath my paws – like I was falling, and I had no control over where I landed. It was horrible."
Featherpaw leaned against her mother sympathetically.
"I had gotten over it soon, though," Heathertail told her, her voice tight. "Lionblaze… Lionblaze, as you know, is the best fighter around the lake. There was a time where he… where all I could see was a dark, evil shadow hanging around him. I'd seen how he fought in battle – he was vicious! I dreamed of him tearing me apart night after night…"
"Mother…" Featherpaw breathed. She didn't want to hear any more, not if it was so painful for Heathertail!
"But I learned that we were not meant to be," Heathertail surmised. "The dreams stopped, the feelings faded… and even after that – even when I tried to love – I found myself too damaged to make the effort.
"When Lionblaze found out that I was expecting he was happy for me, as a friend," Heathertail told Featherpaw. "I looked him in the eye, and found that I felt nothing for him anymore – not fear, not love, not anger… I was free of him, and though I knew I would never love anyone the way I loved him, I did not let him rule my life."
"I'm sorry…"
"Don't be," Heathertail meowed. "And don't be afraid to love Applefrost, Featherpaw."
"But what if he… hurts me?" Featherpaw asked. "Like Lionblaze hurt you?"
"If he breaks your heart," Heathertail said, "you move on. If he breaks your heart, then he doesn't appreciate you like he should. If he breaks your heart don't let those negative feelings cloud you – you'll end up miserable. You'll end up a husk of your former self. You'll end up like -"
"Like Crowfeather," Featherpaw finished.
Heathertail blinked. "Yes, I suppose so," she meowed. "Crowfeather has let his emotions consume him; he's been through a lot, but he never had the strength to cope with what it did to him. Not in a healthy way. He lashes out at others; he argues, he fights… all because he lost those that meant the most to him."
"It's not fair," Featherpaw decided. "How he treats others like they're nothing and gets away with it. How he drove off Breezepelt and hurt Nightcloud… I…"
"That's an issue that Crowfeather should have handled," Heathertail explained. "But no one came up to him and told him that his behavior was wrong. Breezepelt was annoying as an apprentice, yes; but he was only seeking attention he could never have. It was Crowfeather's neglect that turned him violent."
Featherpaw's ears drooped.
"Applefrost isn't Crowfeather," Heathertail told her reassuringly. "He's not mean, arrogant, or selfish – every cat knows that. If you love him, Featherpaw, tell him."
"But how?" Featherpaw asked.
"You'll know when the time comes," Heathertail explained. "But don't leave it for too long, or it might end up being too late."
