Then.
Ruth took a sip of red wine, her heart heavy when it should be light. It was Valentines Day and her relationship with Luke had been going on for about ten months. She liked him, he was wonderful but she knew it wouldn't last. Because in her mind and her heart she was still grieving for Harry. Luke sighed and she looked up from the table into his grey eyes.
"Rosie, I can't do this any more," he said quietly. "You're so often some place else. You're never in the present with me."
"I know," she said because it was true. Even when they were in bed together her mind was elsewhere, and she also knew it wasn't fair to him.
"I understand that you're grieving for Claire's father," he said. "And I don't mean to sound callous, but I can't go on with you always living in the past."
Ruth gulped down her wine quickly. She had known this was coming sooner or later. "Look Luke, I like you, I really do. You're a perfectly nice guy. But I can't do anything about the fact I still have feelings for someone else. Even though there is absolutely nothing that can be done. I am so sorry."
"Don't be," he said. "I expected it really. And it isn't your fault either. Its just not working is it?"
"No I don't think it is," she said. "I wanted it to. Really I did. I don't like being stuck in the past either. I can't seem to change it. I'm sorry."
"Rosie, you are a wonderful woman, and Claire is an angel. Don't apologise for what you are." Ruth unexplainably felt her eyes filling with tears. Maybe because the last ten months had been for nothing and she hadn't been able to make the relationship work, even though she had honestly wanted to and tried her hardest. "I'm going to leave," he said. "I don't want to make a scene, we're both too old for that but I think its for the best." Ruth nodded because he was right. Luke got up and kissed her cheek gently. "Take care of yourself," he said. "I mean that."
"I'm sorry Luke," she said. "I never meant for it to end up like this." He inclined his head in agreement. Heads swung around as he left and Ruth felt slightly embarrassed that she'd been left alone in a restaurant on Valentines day. A waitress came over to her, a sad look on her face and asked if she wanted anything else.
"Yes, I'll have the chocolate fudge cake with cream," she said, fixing a fake smile to her face. The waitress hid her surprise and went to get Ruth's dessert. Ruth sighed to herself. Her relationship had ended in the way she expected it to, but it didn't make her feel any better. She was treating herself to chocolate because if there wasn't a man in her life, what was a couple of extra pounds going to matter? If she couldn't make it work with Luke, it was never going to work with anyone. Because he was as good and whole a man as she could ever meet. Ruth somehow knew that in this stage of her life she wouldn't be able to make any relationship work. Except with one man. Sighing she picked up her fork as she started on her chocolate cake. It really was good.
Now.
Ruth and Harry sat at their table having eaten a wonderful meal at the wedding. They had been talking about their children and Harry's grandchildren and it had been so good to become reacquainted again. Ruth felt so glad she'd invited him and for Harry's part he was very pleased he'd come too. They had just been talking about their children's escapades at school when Claire came over. Ruth had been so involved in their conversation that she hadn't noticed her daughter coming.
"Mom!"
"Hi Claire," she said, turning around.
"Congratulations," Harry said, smiling at the bride.
"Claire, this is Harry," Ruth said. "My old friend." Claire nodded and surveyed Harry critically. He had the sense he was being measured up and hoped he wouldn't be found lacking. Eventually she smiled and said "nice to meet you. How do you know my mother?"
"I worked with her about… thirty years ago," Harry said. "When she lived in London."
"I can't believe it was that long ago," Ruth said shaking her head as her eyes returned to Harry. Claire knew that she was in the way so she smiled and then left them to it. "How did you end up leaving MI5?"
"I got old and tired and no one wanted to work with me any more," Harry said.
"I don't believe that," Ruth said.
"That's why you're you," he said. "No, seriously it was still good fun for a few years after you left, but then it turned into a job completely drowning in paperwork and politics. Terrorists turned into hi-tech people like Malcolm rather than idealists, and there was no satisfaction about catching people like that. Or not for me anyway. I left about eight years after you did, cashing in my pension for a comfortable retirement."
"You used to believe so firmly in MI5," Ruth said. "In what it stood for. It's sad that that's how it ended up for you."
"I love this country, and I loved protecting it. But it's a young persons game Ruth. I didn't fit any more. It was time for me to go."
"I still find it sad," she said. "But I'm glad you didn't get shot or do anything stupid."
"I did get shot," he said. "I just had a bullet proof vest on, that's all. Hurt like hell though." Ruth chuckled, safe in the knowledge that Harry was well in the present. "Do you want to dance?"
Ruth smiled at him. "Yes, I'd love to. When something slow comes on."
Harry nodded, smiling at her. Ruth was amazed after all these years his smile could still make her heart skip a beat.
Claire sat down next to one of her bridesmaids with a sigh, very happy but her feet starting to twinge with pain from all the dancing she'd done. "Claire you look beautiful," Chloe said with a smile. "But I think your mothers having the best time out of anyone."
"Where is she?" Claire asked, looking over the masses of wedding guests.
"On the dance floor with her silver fox," Chloe said. Claire looked over and saw them. She seemed very happy and oblivious to the rest of the world. Only to the man in her arms.
"You think he's a silver fox?" Claire asked.
"God no!" she said loudly. "But she clearly does."
"Please can we not talk about my mom like that!" Claire said. Chloe laughed and passed her a glass of champagne. "Oh, great. That'll make me forget about it," Claire said, downing it in one. "But she does look happy doesn't she?"
"Yeah," Chloe said. "I'd say she does."
Ruth smiled as the song came to an end. She had no idea how many numbers she'd danced to with Harry but she knew it was more than she'd danced in the last twenty years combined. "My feet are killing me," she admitted. "What's the time?"
"Er… eleven," he said. Time had flown past and he hadn't even noticed.
"I'm exhausted," she said. "Do you mind terribly if I call it a night?"
"Not at all," Harry said. "I'll walk you to your room. If that's okay, it sounded cheesy now I've said it." Ruth laughed and nodded.
"Hang on a minute, I need to take my shoes off." She sat down and slipped her heels off. Claire was dancing with her husband and Ruth didn't want to disturb. She caught her eye and waved. Ruth waved back for a moment before leaving the reception, Harry's arm around her waist. "I'm on the next floor up."
"Okay," he said. "Suddenly I see why the Lily Rose is famed for its weddings," Harry said. "No one's had to lift a finger all day. And the cake was amazing."
Ruth chuckled as they meandered slowly towards the lift together.
"It was a great day."
"Claire is beautiful," Harry said. "Just like her mother." Ruth smiled at the compliment.
"It was the dress," Ruth said diplomatically.
"It wasn't and you know it," Harry said pushing the button for the lift. "She's a well turned out young woman. You did an amazing job in horrible circumstances."
"Thank you Harry," she said sincerely.
He smiled at her and they said little of anything until they got to her door and she pulled the room key out from her pocket. "Thank you for coming. I've had… the best day imaginable. Even though I was looking forward to Claire getting married, you made the day special."
"That's not true but thank you for the compliment," Harry said. Without thinking or planning it, he leaned in and kissed her, softly at first but then more passionate. By the time they parted Ruth was breathing heavily.
"Goodnight Harry," she whispered.
"Goodnight Ruth," he replied, his voice low as he kissed her jaw gently. She smiled as he walked away and then closed her hotel door behind her, her heart racing, her breathing heavy and a smile on her face. That had been wonderful and so perfect.
I will probably dispense with the Then parts, as I've now got to the end of the plan for the past. More of the present coming though! Thank you so much for the reviews so far.
