The Civil Wars Pt 7

Same Old Same Old

I wanna leave you

I wanna lose us

I wanna give up

But I won't

I wanna miss this

I want a heartache

I wanna run away

But I won't

'Cause do I love you

Oh, I do

And I'm going to 'til I'm gone

But if you think that I can stay in this

same old, same old

Well, I don't

I don't

I'm gonna break things

I'm gonna cross the line

And make you wake up

'cause you won't

I'm gonna name names

I'm gonna call us out

I'm gonna say it

If you won't

Do I love you

Oh, I do

And I'm going to 'til I'm gone

But if you think that I can stay in this

Same old, same old

Well, I don't

Oh I don't wanna fight

But I'll fight with you

If I have to, if I have to

'Cause do I love you

Oh, I do

And I'm going to 'til I'm gone

But if you think that I can stay in this

Same old, same old

Same old, same old

Well, I don't

I don't

New York, Broadway, Helen Hayes Theatre, 17.56pm

She's been singing her heart out, each word, each lyric heavy with meaning and coated with so many complex emotions. This is what she's been born to do, convey everything on the stage, make real what was only on the page or in the minds of musical geniuses. Using her own experiences and building on them to communicate everything to the audience. Its scary and freeing at the same time and Rachel does not hold back as she sings her heart out even if it's just a rehearsal.

Quinn's mesmerised as she stands in the wings, the way Rachel's voice carries, even in high school, she had seen that brilliant spark, so much talent and emotions all packed in that tiny frame. And to be surrounded by that kind of love each day, that made her the luckiest person ever.

Initially, all of it had scared Quinn because Rachel emoted every single thing she was feeling, it showed in all her expressions, facial and physical. It bleed through her voice each and every time she reached out. It made Quinn so uncomfortable then because, it made it realise that she had felt nothing for so long, had felt like nothing and all Rachel had done was to remind her that she could feel.

All those messy feelings, the ones she's pushed down so deep inside that they manifested in the most cruel of ways. Those feelings for Rachel had freed her, had made her who she was today. Listening to Rachel right at this moment, expressing herself so openly makes her remember the person that wanted to be better, not only for Rachel but for herself as well. She needs to be that person right now and put aside her own fears.

She was always so worried about not being good enough for Rachel and even if that underlying fear is still there, there are bigger external fears that's looming over them. Not only dealing with Rachel's medical issue but this external threat that she's almost sure involves her wife in some nefarious way.

Quinn had always promised herself that her relationship with Rachel, the life they had built together was always going to come first. It was an implicit promise made which colored all of her decisions. She knows that Leroy had always cautioned her against blindly putting Rachel first, highlighting that a true relationship needed to stand the test of time and any sacrifice could not only be one sided. Both of them had to work at it though it wasn't going to be too difficult if they truly loved each other.

Even her decision to join the force, was steeped in her belief that she was doing the right thing for the both of them and that Rachel would learn to see that. The fight it initiated never really going away, just subsumed by their love and agreement to still be together. The words exchanged in the heat of their anger forever embedded in her psyche but in the end they had still moved forward together. Only Quinn's beginning to realise that even if she wasn't hiding her love any more, hiding her insecurities from Rachel and Rachel hiding her fears from Quinn was hurting the both of them. Their fight never really resolving but festering over the years.

*Quinn's been standing outside the door to their apartment for about fifteen minutes and counting. She's almost too frightened to go through it and confront the possibility that its over for her and Rachel. That their love could not withstand this one test, this decision that she has made because she thought that Rachel would understand.

She takes a deep breath, finally making up her mind and screwing up her courage, pushing the door open and losing every ounce of strength she has when she sees the suitcases by the wall. Her hand reaching out, palm outstretched and pressed to the wall to gain some sort of purchase. She spots Rachel, standing by their room door, still in the clothes she had been wearing though her coat is draped across her arm.

Please." One word, ripe with meaning and encompassing all her hopes and fears, laid bare. Asking Rachel to stay and listen, to give her this one last chance and allow her to salvage their future. And the silence dividing them is almost unbearable but Quinn remains stoic, her eyes focused on Rachel, on how she holds herself as of she's in pain, of that shellshocked look on her face. She feels the same way, and all she wants is one last chance.

That please reminds her of another, a long time ago, of Quinn needing her to say the words, to grant her permission. In the confines of her car, sitting next to Quinn and suddenly getting her faith back because she thinks that maybe this time, it was right for the both of them. A small but pivotal step in their journey. She had found faith then, despite all the hurt she had been subjected to, despite expecting Quinn to never reciprocate her love. So she makes her way to the forest green armchair and sits down, looking at Quinn, hoping that they'll get through this impasse.

She knows its been hours and they're been circling around the same arguments ending in raised voices until they catch themselves, not wanting to go to that end place, that line in the sand that they both do not want to cross. "I really wasn't hiding the application from you, I just wasn't sure if I was going to get accepted.

"You made the decision and you never told me...I know plans change, Quinn. I just...there's a reason why you didn't tell me..You wanted this even if I..." She pauses, trying to find the right words, "Even if I don't think its the best decision for the both of us."

"I start training in a week...I could...if you..." Quinn would do it for Rachel, if she asked. It would fracture them but fractures would heal in time. She cannot fathom any other recourse except to try and bridge the gap that she sees growing between them. Her voice anguished even if she tries to school her expression as does Rachel.

"But joining the force is what you want. You sat for all the tests, interviews...you want this." Rachel's voice is hollow and she knows that she's lost her way and there was only one thing she could do. "I won't tell you not to do this...even if I want to..it has to be your choice."

"And if I chose to go for the training...will you still be here?" Quinn's been so afraid to ask the question, her eyes constantly drifting to the packed bags by the door throughout their argument. But she's needs to know how much she's broken them and if there was even a remote possibility of fixing it in someway.

Her voice has always been this instrument that she could depend on to convey anything and everything. She's brought joy and tears to Quinn's eyes and right now, she knows that she could decimate her with one word. Rachel's fully cognizant the that self preservation was a Darwinian trait embedded in everyone including herself, a necessity in order to ensure survival. Her bags are packed and her dads will take her in but she just can't do it to Quinn. She would rather swallow all her own fears than hurt Quinn. So instead of forcing the issue and trying to resolve it in some other way, she just nods. The impasse still there but its her choice to ignore it in favor of being with Quinn.*

Rachel sees her in the wings, eyes closed and swaying to the music and it hits her how beautiful her wife is and how much she loves her, sometimes beyond reason. Why she stays though is because she knows that they belong together. Even if they seem apart, in thoughts or actions or like their current predicament of going around in circles. Not wanting to collide and force the issues that both of them have been grappling with.

She walks towards the wings, going on her toes to plant a kiss on Quinn, happy to see surprised hazel eyes staring back before feeling Quinn's arms go around her, tightening as the kiss deepens. She's always had this fantasy of wanting to do this during high school after one of the New Direction victories. Had seen Santana kiss Brittany while Finn twirled her around on stage and Quinn hugged Mercedes. The impetus then so strong that she had rushed off stage, finally realising that she had developed feelings for Quinn and not really able to do anything as she watched Quinn almost fall apart.

It's something she won't repeat, "You sounded worried on the phone..I know you think I don't want to hear about your job but I want to know you're ok and if you're not, I want to help even if...even if all I can do is to hold you or sing or just listen...Quinn.." She gets cut off as Quinn kisses her again.

Its what she needed to hear, her overactive imagination already throwing up so many somber and scary scenarios of Rachel being hurt or worse and all she wants is to hold on and never let go, she wants to whisk her away and protect her from everything. Only Quinn knows Rachel now, had memorised her body and soul. She had to tell her the truth, all of it and they had to figure out what to do together. There really was no other way.

New York, Hell's Kitchen, West 39th Street, 21.04pm

"You think I'll leave you..." Rachel finally understands that underlying look of fear she sees in Quinn's eyes, that sense of uncertainty driving all her actions, each touch, each kiss, all their intimate moments minutely changed because to Quinn, it might be their last.

"Eventually...yes." She had steeled herself for this outcome. It was never an inevitability in her mind until the past year. Always figuring that their love, their bond was stronger because it was forged by such passion. It could withstand any test except perhaps the dangers of her job.

"And now you want me to.." This is the part she needs more clarity on. Her father's are due soon, along with Puck and she wants to be able to present a united front to them, not hide their issues but at least work through them together.

"I may be reading into all of it and I still need to follow up but she looked...she looked like you and when I saw her..hurt, all I could think of was what if...and it ..I. What if..you're a target?" She feels like she's grasping at straws but there's this inkling that somehow, Rachel was being targeted, that she was being drawn into one of her investigations.

"So you want me to give up the show and go back with my dads?" She can see Quinn struggling with all of it, her fears physically manifesting as her hands shake, her body tenses up and her eyes reflecting such uncertainty and dread. So she gets how serious all of it actually is and wants to give it the gravity it requires. However, what Quinn was asking for seems too drastic.

"Yes...maybe..." She expected surprise and to be brushed off but Quinn can see Rachel taking in her words, mulling over them, giving them weight and it finally calms her. "I can't lose you."

"So your decision is to send me away?" Somehow there's a wry smile behind the words, an ability to try and defuse the heavy tension permeating through the apartment. Rachel finally reaching out, her palm open and waiting, though not for long as Quinn takes her hand, pulling her close. Rachel's head tucked under her chin and her arms encasing her, feeling her heart beating in her chest.

"I want you safe, always."

"So catch this guy..you think its you know its him so work with Steve, tell Reggie. Get as much information as you can and put him in jail where he belongs."

"Its not that easy.."

"Babe..nothing is easy but its what you do. You love your job and you're good at it. And even if I don't see it..I understand what it means to love something so much. I understand what it means to love you." She's finally realizing that there was really nothing that was going to make her leave. "I'm not leaving and I'm never leaving you, I won't but we need to change this pattern we've fallen into."

Quinn nods slowly, not fully agreeing just yet but understanding that they've finally broken through their impasse. "No keeping things from each other..." She sees Rachel nod at her words and it emboldens her to continue. "You have to tell me if I..when I screw up and give me time to fix it.."

"No, Quinn. You can't fix everything yourself and I do need to tell you when it gets too much for me. But we just need to talk to each other more, share what we're both afraid of like..like the fact that I'm terrified about my cysts and what if they're.." She can't even say the words.

"Then we deal with that together, treatments and research about what else we can do.."

"And you're terrified.."

"That you'll leave me when you realize I'm just me...and that you'll get hurt somehow.."

"Like I said, I'm not leaving you and I don't plan on getting hurt."

LaGuardia Airport, Queens, New York 10.20am

He's been following them since they left their apartment. Both lost in their own thoughts but seemingly so in sync as they walk hand in hand. He expects furtive glances and nervousness considering he knows that his message has been delivered.

He wants to see fear and uncertainty in their gait, a rift between them that he'll use to his benefit. But he sees none of it as the Detective leans in for a kiss, a serene smile on her face. Her hand still in a brace and it reminds him that she has a temper and he needs to exploit that next.

Their happiness growing as they meet their visitors and the scene makes him sick, the two men together and the younger one with the too long hair. Their unbridled happiness just making his anger grow exponentislly that he nearly gives himself away when the brunette looks in his direction. Turning away just in time though he knows that she's recognized him in some way, hosw basebqall cqp again pulled downas he swiftly walks into the crowd.

"Rach.."Puck's arm going around her shoulder as Quinn's sandwiched between Leroy and Hiram. "You ok?"

"Yeah..I just thought I.."she trails off, the man already lost in the crowd and it probably was just the same baseball cap and not the same man.

Quinn takes her hand even as she give Puck a peck on the cheek, "What did you think?"

"Nothing.. ..I..maybe we could stop for brunch near the theatre before we go home?" She's still staring into crowd.

"Sure." She sees Puck give her a look and she shruggs her shoulders, not sure of why Rachel's distracted but understanding that it was probably better to have the discussion about Rachel's upcoming surgery in a restaurant where decorum would hopefully mean less tears even if she knows the level or worry and questions would remain the same.

End Pt 7