It has been probably at least a year since I've updated this story. So, since I've got a little bit of time (a few weeks here before school starts again) and I know some of what I want to add to it, I've decided I'll post a few chapters. My life is going through some changes - again. (Which never fails, nor ceases to amaze me). So here I am, back to working on this particular story. I've often wondered of my fanfic writing, what and how much of what I've written on this site would I want on the Internet, because what if I decide to run for president some day? LOL Well, I'm not likely to do that and people probably don't care anyways. Everybody is so busy worrying about their own lives and who ever may read this will probably look at it in one of three ways: 1 - not enough to make much of an impression at all. 2 - That was interesting. Dang this chick has had a hard life. 3 - The grace of God is an amazing thing! He really does mend the lives that sin has torn apart.

So...

I'll add this addendum here. It came to me after some anxiety attack I'd had, (which apparently happened back on October 1, 2013). I don't remember exactly what precipitated the attack, but after recently going back and reading My Mini Autobiography, it seems like I'd come to some sort of closure on this, because it took a bit before I came to remember writing this.

I think the anxiety attack came from some conversation I'd had with my sister, where I'd told her that I'd wanted to talk to mom about mom's dying, back before she'd actually had. My sister believed my mother would have gotten mad at me and she told me what she thought mom would have said. Well, that conversation took me by surprise a bit and I had to go back and think. How would I have responded if my mother actually said what my sister thinks she would have said? I'm not sure how I would have responded at that point, 12 years ago now; but this writing came out of those ponderings.


October 1, 2013

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity!"

"It sounds to me like your trying to break the family up."

"No, I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry~~~~~~~~"

Suddenly into the room came a blinding light. It looked something like you'd see in Dr. Who, Star Trek or... something like that. And through this tear in the time space continuum stepped a stranger I'd never seen before. She stood with a look of determination on her face and two cleverly decorated crutches in either hand. On top of her nearly bald head was a strangely colored camouflage hat, again like nothing I'd ever see before. It looked like the splotches of desert sandstorms I'd seen on the news years ago when the Iranians took the hostages. A button on her hat said "Desert Storm".

She looked at me and she looked at mom.

"Don't apologize." She said to me. "It aint your fault."

"Who are you?" I mumbled.

"I'm you, 25 years from now!" She stated with confidence.

And then she looked at mom.

"And who the hell do you think you are?" She glared hauntingly at mom. "What the hell kind of mother tries to fill her daughter's head with that kind of crap? You aint got the right to tell her shit that she's gonna spend the next 25 years trying to figure out. So - Shut UP!"

I looked at mom, suddenly shocked by the courage that oddly possessed me to finally... look at her. Mom looked a bit confused and than she got angry. She stood up and walked over to this apparition?

"Get out of here." The woman told her.

Mom went to open her mouth to yell at this stranger when the woman suddenly yelled for her.

"You can say what ever you want to me, but you know what? It doesn't matter because... you're DEAD!"

Mom suddenly went silent and a look of terror came over her face.

"Yes!" The stranger confirmed. "You're dead." She paused a minute. "And I don't know what ever the hell happened to you that got you so fucked up, but..." She paused another moment and peered up into the air. "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."... "And deliver us from evil". She continued, as an after thought.

She paused one last moment and looked back at mom.

"Mom." She sighed. "You were a sad waste of a human life. Whether or not you consciously chose to fuck your own brother as an adult or what? I don't know, but you had no right to infect the rest of your family with your incestuous crap! And though I realize you are probably in hell burning for your sin. The will of the Father in heaven be done."

She paused another moment before she let out a sigh and made one last statement.

"That's all I have to say to you. Good bye mom."

And strangely... mom flittered away like the blowing sand.

"And you my dear." She turned to me. "Get up off that bed and walk out of this house, because this is not your home."

I looked curiously at her as I stood up.

"You got great things ahead of you to accomplish and the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. So, you better get going." She said.

I looked in hopeful apprehension at her as I gingerly stepped over the mounds of mess and headed for the stairs. I stopped and turned and looked back at her.

"Where do I go?" I asked.

She paused and looked thoughtfully at me.

"Go to Irondequoit cemetery." She said. "I'll meet you there in a bit." She paused another moment and suddenly smiled. "You'll see your own son." She chuckled happily. "And know that we are doing this, so that we can be the mother to him that you never had."

I looked with a curious fascination at her.

"This will free both of us." She said. "Trust me." She paused a moment and then amended. "No... trust God, and ... the good horse sense that He gives you."

"For the power of His word can split the earth and sky,

yet mend the lives that sin has torn apart!"


After my son had gotten home from school, I grabbed a shovel and we drove up to the cemetery. I buried this letter just under the grass on mom's side of the headstone. I haven't really thought about it since and oddly, my son mentioned it recently. He said: "Mom, remember that letter you buried at your mom's graveyard?" I said: "Yeah." He asked: "You think it got to her yet?" (I think in his mind, it was going to travel down to the casket as it disintegrated into the ground.) I just chuckled: "I don't know."

I'd written in earlier chapters about being in the hospital because I was suicidal, and I'd talked about a butterfly I'd found on the hillside as I was climbing up the embankment back to my car. (I'd driven myself to the ER after that.) Well the words to a song that I'd put with this butterfly, I'd have no idea how the meaning of the song would change in my life years later. Now that I look back at it all. I have no better words than these:

There've been times in my life You've opened doors.

They weren't what I was hoping for _ so I walked right by them.

I didn't even try them.

There've been dreams I forgot and dreams I let die.

Unnoticed sunsets in front of my eyes.

I just couldn't see them. I thought I didn't need them.

Sure there are things I'd do different and yet,

grace gives me days where I simply forget.

You set me free to run through fields of laughter

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays.

You set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I'll never pay.

When you set me free.

There's been chances to love that I've ignored

Mercies I've found that I couldn't afford

I'm sure I would have shown them, If I would've known them.

How we all play a part in each others lives

And there's more to the game than winning the prize

So much I want to try now, I feel like I could fly now.

Sure there are things I'd do different and yet,

grace gives me days where I simply forget.

You set me free to run through fields of laughter

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays.

You set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I'll never pay.

Father you Father me ever so patiently _ You give me wings to fly.

When you set me free to fly to soar to places I've not been before the

boundaries of humanity cannot contain what You set free.

You set me free to run through fields of laughter

and to sing as though I have no yesterdays.

You set me free from my befores and afters

from a debt I know I'll never pay.

Father you Father me ever so patiently _ You give me wings to fly.

(You set me free - by Sandi Patti)