A/N - This will be the last chapter from the past. Next we move back to 1993 and POA. Enjoy!
Chapter 7
Heartbreak
25 December 1978
Remus trudged through the snow to Sirius' cottage. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than a shower and a sleep in a real bed. He had spent the last two hours with the headmaster, debriefing him on everything that had happened while Remus was gone. Remus had completely forgotten it was even Christmas, so immersed in the werewolf underground had he been.
His trip hadn't been all that successful. The werewolves hadn't trusted him at all at first and even once he'd gained a bit of that, none of them had any interest in what he'd had to say. Six months of transformations without his friends around had been excruciating, not to mention having to witness the repercussions of some of the werewolves' natural instincts the morning after the full moon. Remus' stomach turned over as some of the memories floated to the surface. He shoved them back down, forcing himself to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.
When he reached the door and knocked, Remus could hear voices inside. He swore under his breath, not wanting to have to deal with anyone but Sirius tonight. The door flew open and Remus saw the last person he needed to see.
"Remus!" Lily exclaimed before throwing her arms around him. Remus couldn't help it. He let himself sink into her softness and sighed. He hadn't been touched in anything but an aggressive way in six months. Remus probably would have continued to cling to her had Sirius not come up behind her.
"Merlin Moony, you look like shite!" his friend said and Lily released Remus, stepping back to look at him properly.
"Remus, where have you been?" she questioned, but then James was there.
"Let the man in for Merlin's sake," James said with a grin, clapping his friend on the shoulder. He frowned when he realized how thin Remus was. Remus shuffled inside, not surprised to see Peter standing a few feet behind the group, looking at his friends worriedly.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," Remus said.
"Don't be stupid, Moony," Sirius said. "We've all been worried about you."
"Come on, sit down," Lily said, taking his arm and towing him toward the couch.
"No," Remus protested. "I'm filthy." He turned to Sirius. "Can I get a shower?"
"Sure Moony," Sirius said, leading his friend into a bedroom with an attached bathroom. "There's towels and everything in there. Let me get you some clean clothes." Sirius disappeared into what Remus assumed was his own bedroom while Remus began to peel his grimy, stinking clothes from his body. He was down to just his pants when Sirius returned.
"Sirius," he said as his friend laid a pile of clothes on the bed. "Do me a favor?"
"Anything Moony," Sirius said, turning to look at his friend and grimacing at the emaciated form before him.
"Burn those," Remus said, gesturing to the pile of clothes on the floor. Sirius nodded. Remus turned to go into the bathroom, but Sirius called him back.
"Remus, what happened to you?" Sirius asked. Remus regarded his friend for a moment.
"I can't tell you Padfoot," he said apologetically. "And believe me, you wouldn't want to hear about it anyway." And then Remus shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. He climbed in and sighed at the warmth of the water as it cascaded down his body. As he looked down and watched the rivulets of dirt and grime run down the drain, Remus began to weep, his tears joining the filth on the floor of the shower.
When he finally felt clean, which took three scrubbings, Remus donned the clothes Padfoot had left for him and with a deep breath, joined his friends once again.
"Remus, sit down," Lily said gesturing to the kitchen table. "I've made you some food."
"You didn't have to," Remus protested, but Lily shushed him and Remus let himself be led to a chair. Lily put a steaming plate down in front of him and he dug into it quickly. When Sirius came and sat next to him, Remus wrapped an arm around his plate and pulled it closer to himself, glaring at Sirius. Sirius put his hands up in front of him.
"Relax Moony, I'm not going to try and steal your food," Sirius said with a laugh, but Remus could see the confusion in his eyes. Remus forced himself to sit up straight and slow down his eating. James and Sirius exchanged a glance and Lily bit her lip worriedly.
"Sorry," Remus said with a sheepish grin. "Guess the last moon is still affecting me a bit."
"That was four days ago," James said with a frown. Remus shrugged.
"It was a harder one than usual," he said. "So how's Auror training?"
"Don't do that Remus," James said and Remus gave him a questioning look. "Don't try and change the subject."
"Prongs," Remus said with a sigh and shook his head. "I can't tell you."
"Why not?" Lily demanded.
"Because Dumbledore told me not to," Remus said.
"We won't tell anyone," Peter insisted.
"You know you can trust us Moony," James added. Remus shook his head.
"I can't, I'm sorry," Remus said, starting to get agitated with both their proximity and their questions.
"We're your best mates Remus," Sirius protested.
"I know!" Remus roared, rising from the table so quickly that he knocked over his chair. Lily jumped. "Don't you think I want to tell you? Don't you think I want to get rid of it? Everything I did, everything I saw. But I can't! I can't and I won't! I don't want you to know, I don't want, I don't," Remus turned and stared at his friends, his eyes wild, his breath coming in heaves. He spun and ran for the door, throwing it open and making it outside just in time to lose the contents of his stomach. He stood retching in the snow and he could hear their voices inside. Arguing about who should come out and talk to him, no doubt.
He was still bent double, his hands resting on his knees, gulping in breaths of clean winter air, when someone came out of the cottage. He was surprised to see it was Lily. She pulled the door shut behind her and cast a privacy bubble around them.
"You don't have to do this Lily," Remus said, finally standing upright. "Just go back inside."
"No," Lily said. She took a few steps towards him and silently enveloped him in her arms once again. Remus stood stiffly as her arms tightened around him. Finally, when he realized she had no intention of letting go, he relaxed into her embrace, his own arms coming round her waist.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know you don't want to tell me, but I'm sorry for everything you went through, for whatever you had to do." Remus' breath hitched in his throat. Lily's arms tightened around him further. "But you're here now, you're back with us and you're safe Remus. It's all right." With the last, Remus could hold back no longer. He clung to Lily and sobbed. She rubbed his back and whispered in his ear and when he had finally quieted, he stayed in the circle of her arms, too embarrassed to look at her.
"Remus," she finally said. He pulled away reluctantly and looked at her. "I know that you can't tell us where you were but," she paused biting her lip. "You don't have to go back, do you?" Remus sighed and turned away from her, scrubbing a hand down his face.
"Not right now, no," he finally said.
"What do you mean, not right now?" she asked.
"Lily, please, just, I can't say," he replied.
"Why can't Professor Dumbledore send someone else?" she demanded.
"Because, he just can't," Remus said evasively. Lily's eyes hardened.
"It's the werewolves, isn't it?" she nearly hissed. Remus forced himself not to react. "Don't bother trying to lie, I know that's it. That's the reason only you can go." Remus' silence was enough of an answer. "Damn that man!"
"Lily!" Remus exclaimed in surprise.
"What?" she snapped. "Look, you've been gone these last six months, but we've been going to every meeting. I'm not denying that he's a great wizard and a good leader, but he's always looking at the big picture and never how what he does is going to affect everyone individually. He wants the werewolves on his side, so he sends you in to try and convince them. No matter how hard it will be for you, never having lived as one of them."
"Lily," Remus said, but she ignored him.
"How can he expect you to go in and act like a feral werewolf? How does he expect the rest of them will trust you when they know that you've lived as a wizard all this time? How," but Remus cut her off by grabbing her arms.
"Lily, I asked him to send me," Remus said.
"Wh-what?" she said in shock. Remus sighed and let go of her.
"After what happened between us that night after the Hog's Head," Remus said quietly. "I went to him and told him to send me somewhere, that I wanted a mission."
"You, you did this because of me?" she questioned.
"No, I did this because I didn't trust myself around you anymore," Remus replied.
"Damn it Remus!" Lily cried. "Why didn't you just apply to university like you said you were going to? You could have been busy with classes and I'm so busy with healer training we would have barely seen each other anyway. It's not like at school where we lived in the same tower. Why did you have to go to these lengths?"
"Because I still would have seen you!" Remus shouted, thankful now that Lily had thought to cast the privacy charm. "Maybe not every day or even every week, but you still would have been there! And every time I have to see James kiss you or wrap his arm around you it makes me ill. I want to beat him to a pulp and grab you and snog you senseless!"
"Then why don't you!" Lily yelled back. Remus instantly deflated.
"Because I can't and you know the reasons," he said sadly. "Reasons that are compounded now, given where I've been. You were right Lily, they didn't trust me. I left because they nearly killed me at the last full moon."
"Then why, in Merlin's bloody name, are you going back?" Lily demanded.
"They're not the only pack in England," Remus said with a shrug. "I'll try another." Lily gaped at him. "You cannot tell anyone what I'm doing. You know that James and Sirius would never let me go."
"Then I think that's exactly what I should do," Lily said flippantly and Remus was on her in a second. He grabbed her upper arms and shook her slightly.
"You cannot tell them," Remus warned. "I'll obliviate you if I have to." Lily blanched. Remus let her go and took a step back, disgusted with himself. Lily stared at him for a few moments then shook her head defiantly.
"I don't keep secrets from my fiancée," she said. The word hit Remus in the gut like a bludger.
"Fiancée?" he managed. Lily held out her left hand and Remus saw the diamond and emerald ring that adorned it.
"He asked me last night," Lily said.
"Congratulations then," Remus said dully. "But I meant what I said. I will obliviate you." Lily stared at him for what seemed like an eternity.
"Fine then," she finally said and Remus nodded. Lily cancelled the charm and turned to go back into the cottage. When she reached the door, she stopped and turned back to Remus. "You're not the person I used to know Remus," she said quietly and Remus snorted. "Maybe I never knew you at all." And then she went back inside, closing the door quietly behind her.
Remus looked up at the sky and blinked. He had no intention of actually obliviating Lily. He would have never been able to bring himself to do it, but at least he'd convinced her that he was capable of it. It hurt that she had believed him so readily; he wasn't going to deny that. But it was better that she was disappointed in him and alive, than the alternative.
He turned to go back inside before someone else came out looking for him. He would spend a few days resting here and then go back to Dumbledore for his next assignment. It was better this way, he told himself. The more he was away from Lily, the better. Eventually, he might even stop loving her. 'Yeah, right,' that annoying voice in his head said. Remus shoved it back down where it belonged and went opened the door, apologizing to his friends before he'd even crossed the threshold.
20 October 1979
Remus knocked on the door of the flat, then whispered the charm to let himself in, as was their custom when they visited James and Lily. He had been back from his second werewolf mission for about three months, Dumbledore insisting he needed time to rest and regroup before going back out again. The old man had even made insinuations that he might not send Remus back. Remus had only been a bit more successful the second time. The pack had accepted him a bit more readily than the first, which Remus knew was because he knew what to expect this time. He hadn't been able to turn them to the light, but he was almost sure he'd convinced them to remain neutral. It was something, Dumbledore had said, but Remus could tell the man was disappointed. Remus agreed to wait until at least after James and Lily's wedding to think about going undercover once again. He'd gotten a job at a muggle warehouse in the meantime.
When he'd returned, he wasn't surprised to find that Lily had moved in with James shortly after Christmas. The argument they had seemed to have been forgotten, for she had greeted him warmly enough. He had managed to apologize to her a few days later for his threat and she had accepted with a smile, saying that she knew he couldn't have done it in the end. They were friends again, almost like they had been in school, but there was still an undercurrent of something there. Remus still wanted her every time he looked at her, but he had gotten better at hiding it. Lily loved James, that much Remus knew. Whether she was still in love with him as well, Remus didn't know. Perhaps she had gotten better at hiding things too. Remus hung up his cloak in the hall and looked around the quiet room.
"Prongs?" he called. "Padfoot?" There was no answer. Frowning, Remus walked from the entry into the living room, looking around.
"Remus?" he heard Lily say as she came from the bedroom. "What are you doing here?" Remus looked at her in confusion.
"We're supposed to get fitted for our robes today. Remember?" he replied.
"Didn't you get James' owl?" she asked. Remus shook his head. "I'm sorry Remus, but James and Sirius got called out on an assignment. James owled to let you know that they changed the fitting to tomorrow."
"Oh," Remus replied. Just then there was a tap at the window and Lily opened it to let James' owl come through. He flew to Remus and landed on his shoulder, holding out his leg and glaring at Lily, as if she shouldn't have sent him out in the first place if the person he was looking for was already here. Remus chuckled as he took the note and Lily laughed as well.
"Sorry about that," she said with a smile.
"It's all right," Remus returned, heart catching at how beautiful she was when she smiled. "I'll just go then."
"Don't be ridiculous," Lily admonished. "You've come all this way, the least I can do is give you tea." Remus stood and looked at her, warring with himself. The moon had been only two days ago and the wolf was still there, hovering under the surface. He knew he should leave, that he would probably regret it if he stayed, but he couldn't force the words from his mouth.
"All right," he finally said. Lily smiled and brushed past him on her way to the kitchen. Remus' eyes closed and he pulled in a breath, letting it out slowly and forcing himself to sit down in an armchair instead of following her into the small room where he wanted to, don't think about that, he told himself.
Lily returned a few minutes later with a tray of tea and biscuits. She poured and made his the way she knew he liked it and then sat down on the couch across from him.
"So how's the warehouse?" she asked. Remus shrugged.
"It's work," he replied. "Nothing too difficult and I've gotten quite adept at a wandless feather-light charm. That helps." She laughed a bit. "What about the wedding?" he asked.
"There are more last minute details than I thought and Petunia's being horrible as usual," Lily sighed. "Thank goodness I have Mary and my mum and Mrs. Potter or I think I'd have gone mad by now."
"What's Petunia's problem?" Remus asked, a bit more sharply than he intended. He'd never liked Lily's older sister, not from the first time he'd met her, and Petunia seemed to have gotten worse over the years.
"Oh, you know, the same old thing," Lily said with a shrug. "We're all a bunch of freaks, she refuses to come to the wedding every other day, let alone be in it. We may very well be a bridesmaid short when we get right down to it."
"Oh, don't worry about that," Remus said, trying to cheer her up. "Pete and I can escort each other if we have to." Lily didn't say anything and Remus looked over at her in concern. He was shocked to see tears in her eyes. Without even thinking about it, he moved to the couch and put an arm around her, pulling her to his side.
"It's all right, Lily," he said soothingly. "Even if Petunia doesn't come around, you'll still have the perfect wedding." She looked up at him, lower lip trembling. "You'll be the most beautiful bride anyone's ever seen," he whispered. They sat, staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, tears sparkling on the lashes of Lily's eyes. Remus brought a hand up to her face and touched her lashes with a finger, catching a tear there. Lily's breath caught as she stared at him and time seemed to stop. While everything in his head screamed for him to move away, he couldn't help lowering his face to hers and capturing her lips with his own.
The moment their lips touched all of his hard-battled resolve failed. A dam broke somewhere and the next thing Remus knew, his hands were cupping her face and his tongue was dancing with hers. He groaned and she sighed, gripping his neck tightly. He devoured her lips until he couldn't breathe and then moved to her neck, kissing and nipping his way to her shoulder.
"Remus," she gasped and he pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were heavy-lidded with desire and he knew his were the same. Still, he managed to force himself to let go of her and move back.
"Lily," he said, unable to say anything else. He needed to get up, needed to leave now, but he felt inexplicably glued to the couch. Lily stared at him, panting heavily, before launching herself back towards him. Somehow she managed to straddle his lap and pulled him into another searing kiss. "Lily," he mumbled, but she gently bit his bottom lip and he was gone.
They pulled frantically at each other's clothes until she was gloriously bare in front of him. She ground her hips into his lap and growling, he flipped them so she lay beneath him. Her skin was soft as silk and his hands and lips moved across every inch of her until he could hold back no longer. Staring into her eyes, they joined together, moving in perfect rhythm until he heard her scream his name. He followed quickly after and then collapsed next to her, lightly kissing whatever part of her he could reach as their breathing slowly returned to normal.
When it did, reality crashed back down with it. He closed his eyes in shame and quickly pulled away from her. He turned his back and picked up her clothes where they lay on the floor, passing them to her over his shoulder. He dressed quickly himself, not daring to look at her until she spoke.
"Remus," she whispered and he finally turned around. Her lips were swollen and red, her neck marked by his teeth. Her hair was wild around her head and her skin was flushed, from embarrassment or their recent activity, he couldn't tell.
"Lily, I'm sorry, I," he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "What have I done?"
"It wasn't just you," she said quietly. "We're both to blame." Remus shook his head.
"I should have had more control," he said. "I kissed you first. If I hadn't," he shook his head again, looking away from her once more.
"If you hadn't, I would have," she said defiantly. He looked up at her in shock. "This has been building for a long time, Remus."
"What are you saying?" he asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Can you honestly tell me that you aren't still in love with me?" she demanded. He looked away. "Dammit, Remus, I know you are and you know I love you."
"It doesn't matter," he said.
"You mean you don't matter!" Lily shouted. "When are you going to stop putting yourself last Remus?" He raised his head and looked her in the eye.
"When I stop being a danger to everyone around me," he said evenly.
"That's the biggest pile of rubbish I've ever heard," she snapped. Before she could continue, Remus was across the room and held her upper arms tightly in his hands.
"No, it's not!" he snarled. "You know what Greyback did to my mother. I won't have it happening to you! And with everything I've done for Dumbledore these last months, you'd be in even bigger danger! I will not lose you Lily, I can't!" He stepped back from her and released her arms before he did something else he shouldn't.
"You'll marry James," he said quietly. "You'll marry James and have lots of little Gryffindors and forget about loving me." She stared at him and he watched a myriad of emotions cross her face, anger and defiance, hurt and sadness and finally guilt.
"James," she whispered and Remus nodded. "Oh god, James. What have I done?" She sank down onto the couch, head in her hands. "What am I going to tell him?" she asked miserably.
"Nothing," he said. "You're not going to tell him anything. I'll go and talk to Albus, he can send me back out on another mission. I won't come to the wedding, I," but Lily interrupted him.
"No!" she exclaimed. "No, you have to come. He'll be suspicious if you don't. Please Remus." Remus sighed.
"All right," he relented. He could never disappoint her. He looked her in the eye again. "I'll obliviate you if you want me to."
"Sorry?" she said.
"I'll obliviate you and you can forget all about it happening. You'll never know and you won't have to worry about hurting James."
"No," she said, shaking her head, but he could see her mind warring with itself, thinking of how easy it would be just to forget.
"Lily," he began.
"No!" she said with more conviction this time. "No, Remus, I don't want to forget. It's not fair for you to shoulder this alone."
"I would you know," he said.
"I know and that's exactly why you shouldn't," she replied.
"This won't happen again," he said.
"No, it won't," she returned, and a part of him thought she almost sounded disappointed.
"Tell James that I'll meet them at Madame Malkin's tomorrow," he said. She nodded. Remus swallowed thickly. "Good-bye Lily," he whispered and then placed a kiss on her temple, hurried to the door and grabbed his cloak before leaving the flat. The door had barely closed behind him before he glanced around and seeing no one, apparated away as quickly as he could.
15 April 1980
Remus let himself into the cottage, looking around for Padfoot. His friend was nowhere to be found, so Remus assumed he was either at work or off doing something for Dumbledore. Remus sighed and shook off his tattered cloak, leaving it in a heap by the fireplace. He'd burn it later when he found some energy. Dragging himself to the kitchen, he left a note for Sirius letting him know he was back and then somehow made it to the loo for a shower. Once out, he dried off and collapsed on his bed, asleep nearly before his head hit the pillow.
When he awoke, he heard voices coming from the kitchen. Cocking an ear, he recognized James and Sirius. Sighing, Remus rolled over onto his back hoping he'd be able to face his friend.
The wedding had been difficult. Remus had plastered a smile on his face and somehow made it through. He and Lily had avoided each other as best they could, although Remus had danced with her once, as had been expected of him. They hadn't talked much, he simply reveled in the feel of her in his arms, knowing it would be the last time. Three days after Lily and James had left on their honeymoon, Remus had gone back underground.
And now he was back, once again unsuccessful in getting any of the packs to commit to Dumbledore. They hadn't agreed to commit to Voldemort either, however, and that's what kept Remus going back. If he could at least convince them to remain neutral, that was something.
Deciding he could avoid his friends no longer, Remus rose and threw on some clothes. He walked out into the main room a few moments later.
"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, coming forward to hug his friend.
"Hey, Padfoot," Remus replied with a smile. "Prongs." James grinned widely and the look made Remus' insides twist in guilt. Before anyone could say anymore, the floo roared to life and an agitated Lily Evans, no Lily Potter, stepped through.
"James, what's the urgent business I just had to come over f-," her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Remus standing in the kitchen. "Remus," she whispered, one hand lowering to rest on her belly, her obviously pregnant belly. Remus' mouth dropped open. He glanced at James who was grinning with glee.
"That's right Moony, little Prongs Jr. is on his way," James said. Remus looked back at Lily who hadn't said anything.
"When?" Remus managed, hoping his voice sounded normal.
"Beginning of August," James replied. He'd moved behind Lily and wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach. "I work quickly." He winked at Remus and Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius laughed and Remus somehow managed a smile.
"Well, congratulations then," Remus said, locking eyes with Lily for a mere moment. She looked away quickly and Remus swallowed hard again.
"I think this calls for a celebration!" Sirius declared. "Moony is back, Prongs is having a kid. What do you say Moony?"
"Sure, Padfoot, whatever you want," Remus replied.
"How about it Prongs, takeaway from the Leaky?" Sirius asked.
"Sure Pads," James said with a smile. "Everybody want their usual?" Three nods and James stepped back through the floo.
"We're out of Firewhiskey," Sirius said checking the cupboards. "I'll be back." He disappeared through the floo a moment later.
Remus looked at Lily from across the room. He didn't want to ask her, didn't want to remind her, but he had to know.
"Is it mine?" he asked quietly and Lily's head snapped up.
"No," she said.
"How can you be sure?" Remus asked. "The timing, it's," he trailed off.
"The baby isn't yours Remus," she insisted, a little too emphatically Remus thought. "It can't be."
"Can't be or you don't want it to be?" Remus said. He stayed in the kitchen, knowing he couldn't get any closer to her. "I know I didn't cast the charm and I didn't hear you do it either."
"I was on the potion," Lily said, raising her chin in defiance. "It didn't wear off until a few days after the wedding." Remus couldn't say anything else because Sirius had returned. Sirius looked back and forth between the two of them suspiciously.
"Everything all right?" he asked.
"Fine," Lily replied, smiling at him. "I hope you didn't forget something for me." Sirius glanced at Remus again.
"Of course not Lils," Sirius said with a grin. He began to empty his pockets, enlarging the contents. "I've got a bottle of cider right here." He opened the bottle and took a glass down from the cupboard. Lily glanced at Remus, pleading look on her face and Remus nodded. He would accept her explanation. James returned a few minutes later and the four sat down to eat.
"Where's Peter?" Remus asked, finally registering the absence of the fourth Marauder.
"Haven't seen much of him lately," Sirius admitted. "He's been busy with work and his mum's been sick I guess."
"What about you Moony?" James asked. "Are you staying home for a while now?"
"A bit," Moony replied and Lily looked down at her plate. "I'm not sure how long, depends on when Albus wants me to go back."
"Can't tell us what you're doing yet?" Sirius questioned.
"Sorry, Padfoot," Remus said ruefully.
"Well, whatever it is, I think you should quit," Lily spoke up, surprising Remus. "You look worse every time you come back."
"Gee, thanks, Lily," Remus replied.
"I mean it Remus," Lily continued. "I'm worried about you. We all are."
"She's right mate," James agreed. "You look like you've been starved every time you come back here."
"I'm doing my part, just like the rest of you," Remus said shrugging.
"Yes, but," Lily began, but James put a hand on her arm. She glared at him, but she didn't say anything else.
"Let's talk about something else," Remus suggested. "How's work?" he asked Sirius. Sirius went into a long story about a raid he and James had been sent out on the week before and the dinner continued with no more talk of Remus.
Later when James and Lily had left, Remus sat in front of the fire, staring gloomily into its depths. Sirius sat down on the chair next to him.
"What's going on Moony?" Sirius asked.
"What do you mean?" Remus replied.
"I saw the way you looked at Lily when you saw that she was pregnant," Sirius said. "And there was something going on when I got back with the firewhiskey. I could feel it."
"It's nothing, Padfoot," Remus said tiredly.
"Don't lie to me Remus, you're not good at it," Sirius replied. "There's something going on and I'm pretty sure I know what it is." Remus' heart nearly stopped. Sirius couldn't know because if he did, Remus would not still be in one piece.
"Oh really? Why don't you enlighten me," Remus said.
"You're thinking about what could have been," Sirius said quietly. Remus remained silent. "I know you're still in love with her, it's written all over your face every time you look at her." Remus glanced sharply at Sirius. "Don't worry, James has no clue. Now if he'd known about the two of you, then he probably would, but he doesn't think you feel anything for each other but friendship."
"Thank Merlin for that," Remus said.
"So it's true then?" Sirius asked.
"I suppose," Remus replied, thinking that going with Sirius' theory was much better than the alternative.
"I'm sorry Moony," Sirius said sadly. Remus shrugged.
"It was my decision," Remus replied. "I've got no one to blame but myself."
"Oh, I don't know, Greyback seems like a pretty good choice" Sirius said angrily. Remus gave him a rueful smile. The two friends sat in silence for quite some time, nursing their last glasses of firewhiskey and staring at the fire.
31 July 1980
"Lily's in labor," James' voice called out. Remus turned to the floo to see his friend's head floating there. "Moony, meet us at St. Mungo's and find Wormtail. Padfoot is with me."
"All right Prongs," Remus replied as James disappeared. Remus wrote a quick note to Peter, the whistled for Sirius' owl and attached it to his leg. Then he left the cottage and apparated to St. Mungo's.
It wasn't until Remus had hurried up to the maternity floor that he realized what the date was. He knew what Lily had told him and he knew that few babies were born on their actual due date, but the baby was nearly two weeks early. He stopped mid-step as he thought about the implications.
Sirius joined him moments later and the two sat, waiting nervously for news. James came out of the room that Lily was in a few times to give them updates, but Remus didn't really pay much attention. His heart was pounding too fast and too loud to hear much of anything. And then finally, the last time James emerged, he had a huge grin on his face.
"It's a boy!" he crowed. Sirius and Remus grinned, slapping each other and James on the back. Peter came puffing in seconds later.
"Did I miss it?" he asked.
"Nearly, Wormtail," Sirius admonished. "It's a boy." Peter smiled and congratulated James.
"Mr. Potter," the healer called a few minutes later. "You can all come in now if you like." James motioned to his friends who followed him into the room. Lily was holding a small bundle wrapped in a blue blanket with a tiny cap upon his head. She smiled widely at them and Remus could see the tears in her eyes.
"Meet Harry James Potter," she said and held the baby up a bit to face them. Harry blinked a few times and then his eyes opened fully and they all gasped. Lily's eyes were looking back at them.
"He's beautiful," James said, sitting down next to his wife and putting an arm around her. "He's got your eyes." Lily laughed a little and kissed James' cheek.
"I think he looks like you," Lily said.
"How can you tell?" Peter asked. "His face is all red and scrunched up." Sirius elbowed Peter in the ribs. "What?"
"You're such an idiot Wormtail," Sirius said and Peter scowled. "How about his hair? Does he have any?" Sirius reached for the cap, but Lily slapped his hand.
"Don't you dare, Sirius Black," she ordered. "He'll catch cold."
"Aw, come on Lils, just for a second," Sirius pleaded.
"No," Lily insisted. "Besides, if you want to know what his hair looks like, just take a look at James."
"He's got my hair?" James asked.
"Yes," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Sticks up every which way and everything." Remus hadn't said anything, but upon hearing this, he felt more disappointed than he thought he had a right to. He was wishing that his best friend's son was really his, after all. What kind of horrible person was he?
"He's perfect Lily," he finally said.
"Thank you Remus," Lily replied. And for a split second, Remus thought he saw something pass in her eyes. Regret perhaps? But then it was gone and Remus couldn't be sure if it had ever been there at all.
Later that evening when he was back at the cottage, Sirius having gone in to work the night shift, a letter arrived, via Fawkes. Remus took it, already knowing what it was going to say. Two days later, he was gone again, back underground with the werewolves.
1 November 1981
Remus ran towards the house. It couldn't be true. He wouldn't believe it until he saw it with his own eyes. They couldn't be gone, they just couldn't. He turned the corner and skidded to a halt as the smoking ruin of James and Lily's house appeared before him. He sucked in a breath and stared directly into the lounge through the missing front wall. The second story had partially collapsed into the first, the floor of James and Lily's bedroom slanted toward the ground, the furniture there having slid down and landed in a heap in the kitchen below. He fell to his knees and turned and retched into the street.
Finally forcing himself to stand, he moved forward on shaky legs, holding his breath as he continued to survey the damage. When he finally reached the house, he stopped at what had once been the front door, but was now just a gaping hole. Gas explosion was what the muggles in town had been told and Remus could understand why. He'd seen pictures of the aftermath of muggle bombs and the house looked eerily similar.
He picked his way through the debris, to the stairs. He looked to his right and knew that James had died just there, trying to protect Lily and Harry. Remus was sure that James would have told her to take Harry and run. Why hadn't she? Sweet Merlin why hadn't she listened? There had been anti-apparition wards on the house, of course, but Lily would have only had to make it a short distance through the back garden and she could have disapparated. Instead, she'd fled upstairs to Harry's room.
Remus climbed the stairs, oblivious to the fact that they could collapse at any moment, and made his way to the nursery. The scorch mark on the floor was the only indication that anyone had died here. Remus sunk to his knees once more and ran his hand across the spot where Lily must have fallen protecting Harry. He put his face in his hands and began to sob.
Rocking back and forth, he sobbed and screamed and raged, not caring who might hear him. When he was spent and lay in a heap on the floor, he wondered idly if Dumbledore had already put some kind of wards in place to keep the muggles away. Given the commotion he had made, Remus fully expected someone to have shown up by now.
He didn't know how long he lay on the floor of Harry's ruined room, but when he finally sat up, the sun was beginning to set. He ran a hand along the spot in front of Harry's cot, then kissed his fingers and pressed them lightly to the floor. He forced himself to his feet and walked back down the creaking stairs, turning into the kitchen. James and Lily's wardrobe was there, the doors flung open, the contents scattered. Remus searched through the rubble until he found what he was looking for. The small box where Lily kept the pendant he had given her in 5th year. Remus opened the box and stared at the necklace inside, the larger heart with the smaller one inside it. Tears began to flow again as he closed the box and wrapped his hand around it.
"Lily," he whispered before he turned and disappeared with a pop.
The next weeks were a blur to Remus as he was rarely sober. He'd lost everything in a mere 24 hours, two of his best friends dead, one by the hand of the third, who rotted now in Azkaban. Little Harry had been taken and given to Petunia of all people. Remus had begged the headmaster to give Harry to him, to let him raise the boy as he knew James and Lily would have wanted, but the old man refused. Remus wouldn't be allowed, he said, and Harry needed some kind of blood protection only Petunia could give him. And Lily, his beautiful Lily, gone now, forever.
He laughed manically at the irony of the situation. He had rejected the one woman he loved more than life itself because he was afraid he would put her in danger. He was afraid that his lycanthropy or his enemies would harm her. With James she would be safe. He snorted. It seemed to him that the universe delighted in making him suffer.
Remus finally pulled himself somewhat together, just before the next full moon. He knew this one would be brutal. Lily was gone, his friends were gone, the cub was gone. Remus had lost his pack and the wolf would punish him, of that he had no doubt. Remus welcomed it actually and as he transformed back into the man the morning after the moon, he lay in the pools of his own blood, refusing to heal or help himself. There was nothing keeping him here. He could join Lily and James and Peter and be at peace, finally.
'Oh no you don't, Moony,' he heard in his head, in a voice that sounded remarkably like Prongs. 'Harry needs you.'
"Harry's with Petunia," Remus mumbled aloud. "Can't have him anyway."
'You think I want that hag raising my son?' Prongs asked incredulously. 'Even if you can't get him back, Remus, he'll need you when he goes off to Hogwarts. Who's going to teach him all of our pranks?'
"No, Prongs, can't," Remus said tiredly. His eyelids were closing. "No one left."
'Moony, get off your lazy arse and heal up your cuts,' Prongs demanded. 'It's not your time Moony. Harry is going to need you.'
"Harry," Remus whispered. And with a supreme effort, he managed to drag himself to his wand and heal the worst of his wounds. He somehow crawled out of the cellar and made it to the fireplace. Throwing in a bit of floo powder, he called out for Madame Pomfrey's office and then promptly passed out.
He didn't see the matron look at the empty floo in confusion or finally stick her head in to see what had happened. He didn't see her eyes widen at the condition he was in, nor did he feel her levitate him into his bed or see her heal the rest of his cuts. He didn't know that she spelled potions into his stomach and sat by his bedside, keeping a two-day vigil. All he knew when his eyes fluttered open and he saw her sitting there was that he had done what Prongs asked. He had lived. For Harry.
