"You nervous?" Derek asks me as we walk into the hospital on the day of my appointment.
"No," I reply. I glance up at him and he's smiling at me knowingly. "Yes."
He chuckles beside me and reaches down, taking my hand in his. "Don't be. It'll be fine."
"What if our baby has like eleven toes? Or two heads?" I ask.
"You did go to med school, right?" Derek says beside me. I shoot him a scowl.
"Shut up," I say.
We walk through the lobby and get onto the elevator. Derek presses the button for the OB-GYN floor, before coming to stand beside me. I really am nervous. And it's not because I'm scared my baby, our baby, will have two heads or three eyes or twelve toes, it's because this makes it real.
Once Derek sees that baby, once he hears the heartbeat I know he will fall in love. And I don't want to mess this up. Not now. Not when everything I always dreamed of having is so close. The guy. The baby. The life. I feel Derek's eyes on me and I try to force myself to stop playing with the hem of my shirt nervously, but I can't help it. "Meredith," he says. I turn to him. "Deep breaths."
"Just don't fall in love," I tell him.
"Fall in love?" he says, furrowing his brow.
"With the baby," I say. "Don't fall in love with the baby."
He shakes his head. "What do you mean?"
I open my mouth slightly only to close it again. I look at the floor. "Something could happen."
"With the baby?" he asks. "You're scared of losing it?"
I shake my head. "No, not with the baby. With me."
"Meredith..." he begins, but is interrupted by the doors dinging open. He looks at me and takes my hand, pulling me off the elevator and into an on call room. "Meredith, stop worrying. We're taking it slow. There's no pressure. And I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
I nod my head. "Okay," I say.
He moves closer to me, placing his hand on my waist and pulling me towards him gently. I move into his body and kiss him softly on the lips. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me securely against his body. "You ready?" he asks.
I close my eyes and let out a breath, resting my head against his shoulder. "Yeah," I say softly. I pull back slightly and he smiles at me. "I'm ready."
xxx
"This might be a little cold," Dr. Paterson says as he squirts some gel onto my stomach. He fiddles with the ultrasound machine for a second before turning the screen towards Derek and I. "There's your baby," he says, pointing to a tiny little peanut shape in the middle of the screen. "And that little flutter is the heart beat."
Without even thinking, I reach for Derek's hand. He takes my hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Wow," I say, my mouth slightly agape. I glance at Derek and I smile. When I see his slightly misty eyes and awe-struck expression I know I was right. He's already fallen in love. But then so have I.
"I'll give you a minute," Dr. Paterson says, before getting up and walking out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him.
Derek turns to me and I almost laugh when I see the boyish grin plastered across his face. He leans forwards and kisses me on the lips. "It's our baby," he says, looking at the monitor again.
"Yeah," I say softly. "It is."
xxx
That afternoon when Derek and I go back to my house, Izzie practically accosts us at the door. "How was it? Was it amazing?" she asks excitedly. I smile at her, before reaching into my purse and pulling out the picture Dr. Paterson had made for us.
Izzie takes in the small image with wide eyes. "It's perfect," she says, with a satisfactory smile.
"It's a peanut," I say, earning an elbow from Derek.
"It's a perfect peanut," Izzie insists, handing the picture back to me. I laugh softly at her, before tucking the photo back safely into my purse. "Well, I'm making a roasted chicken for dinner so you should stay Dr. Shepherd," Izzie says.
Derek smiles at her. "Oh, no that's fine," he says, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "I think I'll just head home."
Izzie only shrugs before walking back into the kitchen. I turn to Derek. "You sure you don't want to stay?" I ask him.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asks gently.
I smile when I realize he was worried about overwhelming me. I give a slight nod. "Yeah, I want you to stay."
He smiles. "Then I'll stay."
xxx
After dinner, Derek and I walk into the foyer. He leans in and kisses me softly, before pulling back and smiling slightly at me. "I should go," he says softly.
"No," I say.
He laughs. "I have a shift."
I move into his body and kiss him again, running my fingers up into the curls at the base of his neck. He wraps his arms around me tightly and slips his tongue into my mouth, running it over the roof of my mouth, eliciting an almost inaudible moan from the back of my throat. He pulls back slightly after a minute, "I really do have to go," he says.
I press my lips to his again, once and then twice. "Okay," I say. But I don't pull away. I close my eyes and move hands to his chest, gripping his shirt between my fingers.
He leans in again and kisses my parted lips. I can feel my desire increasing in the pit of my stomach as he kisses me and just as I'm about to lose all control, he pulls back. "I really should go," he breathes.
I nod my head slightly. "Okay," I reply. He smiles at me and reaches up to brush a few loose strands of hair out of my face.
"I'll see you later," he says. He doesn't look like he wants to go anywhere.
"Yeah," I say, forcing myself to take a step back, the chilly air hitting me where his touch once was. He gives a slight nod and then walks out the door, leaving me standing in the foyer wishing he would come back.
xxx
The next morning, I wake up to the sound of footsteps outside my door. I look up and see Derek standing there looking very much like he spent all night in surgery. His hair is slightly messy, his eyes glassy. "Hi," I say, sitting up in bed.
"Hi," he says.
"Long shift?" I ask.
He nods. "Yeah." He walks across the room and sits on the edge of the bed. I smile slightly at him and lean in, pressing a kiss to his lips. "How are you?" he asks when we pull apart.
"I'm fine," I reply, my lips curving into a smile at his concern.
"So I have some bad news," he says after a moment. "The chief is sending me to a conference."
"For how long?" I ask surprised at how disappointed I am.
He smiles at me. "Only a week."
"Do you have to go?" I ask sounding more pathetic than I intended to.
"Unfortunately, yes," he replies.
"Sucks," I say. I wish I could say "I'll miss you", but for now this is the best I can do. Derek chuckles softly and nods.
"Yeah," he replies frankly. "It does."
I look up into his face, into his eyes, losing myself in his gaze. I remember one of the first things that struck me when I first met him in the bar were his eyes. Back then, things were simple. Back then, things weren't complicated yet. I was just a girl. He was just a guy. And we fell in love. Sometimes I find myself wishing that things were still simple like that. I wish I could love him in the way that I was able to in the beginning, but I can't.
I love him in a different way now. It goes deeper. Because despite everything, despite the lies, the wife, I still love him more than I ever thought possible. And it's scary sometimes. And sometimes I run away, but right now, in this moment, it all is worth it.
He leans into me slowly and finds my lips with his, kissing me softly, lazily, like we have forever. I lean into him, pressing my lips more firmly against his. A moment later, he pulls back slightly and pauses, our lips still only inches apart. We stay like that for a while, until I lean forward again pressing my lips to his again softly.
"I wish you weren't going," I find myself saying suddenly.
He pulls back and looks into my eyes, smiling. "Me too," he says.
He wraps his arms around me and I melt against him, resting my head on his chest. I feel my eyes drooping and try, but fail to stifle a yawn. "Tired?" Derek asks.
"A little," I reply.
"Here," Derek says, pulling back the covers on the bed. I lie back down and he tucks the blankets around me before lying down behind me.
"Thank you," I say.
"No problem," he says, wrapping his arm around my stomach and pulling me against him securely.
"You want to know something?" I say sleepily.
"What?" Derek replies from behind me.
"I was an insomniac my whole life until I met you," I tell him quietly. "The only times I have ever gotten a good night's sleep was when you were with me."
He is silent for a while, but I feel him move closer to me, his grasp around me tighter. "I love you," he finally whispers, his breath tingling my ear. I smile to myself and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep with his arms wrapped around me.
