You know what's really fun? Fire. I love fire. Not as much as Jack loves fire but I really love fire.
Fire, fire, fire. I could talk about it all day. So orange and pretty and flickering. Candles are the best and I like matches because you can play with them. There's also a trick that you can do with a lighter that makes the flame go up crazy high. Jack taught me how to do it freshmen year.
I pretty much consider Jack my best friend. I mean, mine used to be Mush and Jack's used to be David but when they got together when school started, we only had each other. He could have been best friends with Spot who he roomed with but Spot was too busy with Claudia and didn't really like Jack's hyperactivity.
I love it. We're kindred spirits. And we really clicked on this trip. I love that I'm rooming with him. I mean, who else would I be with? Mush and I used to share a room when we were little but he'd want to do the nasty with David in their own room. I know for a fact that they're doing it without listening to the moans and cries of 'Matt!' in the next room over. I mean, it's obvious when you see them come out of their room at school, all breathless and mussed up.
Oh, and I totally walked in on them in flagrante delicto when he came to stay with us for winter break. And, hey, 'flagrante' totally reminds me of fire! Wicked!
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. Rooming with other people. I don't want to room with Spot 'cause he talks in his sleep and is a raging vegetarian. Nobody likes a vegetarian. I have a shirt that says it to prove it. And I don't want to be with Skittery because he's totally not mentally sound. And if I roomed with Specs or Dutchy, I'd have to spend all of my time listening to one of them complain about the other one. Boring. Plus, it's not like I can room with the girls because, well, for obvious reasons. Even if two of them are lesbians and one is pretty much one.
But anyway, Jack is the best roommate ever. I mean, who else thinks that we should tear down that stupid statue? Or light the oven on fire? We totally did that last one but Mush caught me in the act. He's such a sneaky little brat. He always used to tattle on me when we were little. But that's okay because dad would hit him for tattling and call him a 'half-nigger bastard' whatever that meant because he's white because, hello, both of our parents are white. And the n-word is evil and awful unless you're using it in jest and any black people there say it's okay.
Dude, it's like three in the morning and I cannot sleep. Jack is sleeping next to me, I think and he's real pretty when he sleeps. Like his hair falls in his face, and brushes against his lips and…augh ew! I'm calling a guy really pretty. Dude, my brother is gay. I am not gay. Not gay! I am straight.
Think of girls! Okay, the only straight on the trip is dating Jack who I just called pretty and, let's face it, she's not. And I'm not going to even bother with the lesbians. Plus, that blonde one is totally my brother's new best friend and I don't know why.
Okay, so maybe I haven't talked to her at all but still! She just seems really, really, boring even if she did dance with Dutchy. But everyone was drunk so any insanity then didn't count.
You know, I could use a drink right about now. I mean, I had a lot tonight and I'm still all full from the burgers (okay, maybe I shouldn't have had five but they were really, really good) so I should be tired. But I'm not. I'm completely wired and hyper. So I jump out of bed and go to wake up Jack.
"Jack!" I cry a lot louder then I should. "Wake up. I'm bored!"
Jack gives his little snuffle noise and rolls over. So I jump on him and bounce up and down, being really obnoxious and annoying.
"Jaaaack!" I whine. "Wake up or I'll sing that song from Lambchop!"
Jack gives another snuffle and tries to roll over. Time to bring out the big guns.
"This is the song that never ends! It just goes on and on, my friend! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was! And they continued singing it forever just because this is the song that ne—"
I'm interrupted by Jack rolling over and tackling me to the floor, yelling about how annoying I am. I can't help it! Holidays always bring this out in me even if Spring Break isn't really a holiday, just one from school. Plus, I might be a little drunk still.
"Jack, I'm bored."
He sits up. "Me too. You woke me up and now I'm bored. What are we going to do?"
We smile at each other and go downstairs. There's an idea already formulating in my mind but I think Jack has one too.
And that's all right.
--
The others are greeted to a lovely sight. Jack and I have totally constructed this rad awesome pillow fort in the living room using all of the spare sheets and pillows in the linen closet and some throw pillows. I mean, aside from the pounding pain in my head, this is the best morning ever.
"What the hell?" David screams. "You guys better pick this up! Oh, my God!"
He's kind of freaking out but I think it's because Jack and I are in our fort in just our underwear and rolling around like crazy monkeys.
"John Francis Kelly!" Sara the shrew shrills. "You get out of there now!"
Everyone else is just grumbling because they're all hungover and don't want to deal with us. That's why everyone leaves us to be by ourselves.
"We have conquered the land!" Jack proclaims. Then we both grab our heads in pain.
"Owie," I moan. "I'd say I'd never drink again but I know I'm lying."
Jack nods. "Yeah. Super pain. Wanna go get painkillers?"
"No, they make me all weird. Plus, we'd leave our fort vulnerable to attack."
"And that's not cool."
That's how we spend our morning. At noon, everyone's hangovers have subsided and we're going to go to the beach. I kind of don't want to leave our fort but David makes us. I don't know what's so great about the beach anyway. It's an Oregon beach so it's going to suck ass!
--
As predicted, the beach blows. Spot and Claudia are sitting together on a towel, talking like they're the only two people in the world. Seriously, if they don't start hanging out with other people, they'll never get laid. Mush's little friend is sitting by herself and I'm tempted to go say hi but I'm having too much fun skimming rocks with Jack.
Sarah's sitting by herself too, reading some neo-feminist propaganda crap about how men are evil pig men and women are the pure and beautiful race. Ugh, how can someone as perfect and pretty as Jack be with such a bitch?
Okay, I just called him pretty again and that's not cool.
Anyway, Specs and Dutchy are sitting far away from each other, pretending they're still not in love and Skittery disappeared an hour ago to find a Starbucks he can raid. And I think David and Mush are doing it on the beach because David secretly loves From Here to Eternity. Actually, I think Mush is piling on the affection because David seemed pissed at Christie last night. It's her fault for glomming onto him and not bothering to even talk to anybody else.
I mean, how hard is it to go 'Hey, Blink, how's it going?' Not hard at all! I know my patch kind of is unnerving but why can't she talk to Claudia, they're both dyke chicks? Or Dutchy, they're both blonde? She's just a spoilsport.
"Hey!" Jack calls to me after skimming a rock that jumped five times. "C'mere!"
I jog over to him and he produces a book of matches.
"Awesome!" I squeal.
"Wanna light 'em and throw 'em at people?"
"Yeah, yeah!"
God, I mean, who else in the world can share my obsession with fire?! No one! Just Jack!
But that stupid shrew comes over and notices the book of matches.
"No, Jack!" she shrews. "You're not allowed to have matches! There you go, disobeying me! It's just a like a man to—"
I don't care what boxers say, kicking sand into someone's face is totally fair fighting. How else was I supposed to shut her up?
