I don't own these characters etc...

TOW all the turkey and tension

Scene: Joey's apartment, Chandler enters

Chandler: hey happy thanksgiving, I wasn't expecting you up so early

Joey: yea I can't sleep Phoebe's been with some guy all night and it's really loud! I am a big supporter of sex but come on a man has to sleep! what are you doing over here?

Chandler: hey you always come over to our place at odd hours, I'm just returning the favor

Joey: so things still not good between you and Monica?

Chandler: I don't think so, she was up early getting stuff ready for dinner and was doing an excessive amount of pot banging so I took that as my cue to leave . . . ugh why did I ever get with someone so stubborn

Joey: I thought you said the stubbornness kind of attracted you to her

Chandler: it did when the stubbornness didn't cause fights, now she's just plain annoying

Joey: welcome to my world!

OPENING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, Rachel & Ross enter

Rachel: hey happy thanksgiving!

Monica: whatever!

Rachel: still haven't fixed things with Chandler?

Monica: no so he's been practically living at Joey's

Rachel: you know its the day of forgiveness so you guys should patch it up

Monica: it's the day of giving thanks!

Ross: well do that and be thankful you have each other, like today I'm so thankful for Rachel and Emma (he kisses her & leaves)

Rachel: (mimics) today I'm thankful for Rachel bla bla bla

Monica: whoa I didn't know you were feeling crappy today as well, what's up?

Rachel: I don't know its just he's kind of annoying me at the moment

Monica: welcome to my world

Scene: Monica & Chandler's everyone's there

Joey: hey Mon when will dinner be ready?

Monica: the turkey only needs another couple of minutes, why are you hungry? Bet you can't wait to get another free meal off me!

Chandler: Mon we agreed we'd lessen the arguing for today for everybody's sake

Monica: I agreed to nothing!

Chandler: yet another instance of you claiming one thing while knowing you are clearly in the wrong

Monica: when have I been wrong recently!

Chandler: 'I'm Monica I'm never wrong . . . and I don't dye my hair to cover greys!'

Rachel: (whispering to Phoebe) I knew it!

Monica: you've crossed over a line Chandler! You really want to air dirty laundry because we both know I've got loads on you1

Phoebe: people arguing, now this is the reason I love thanksgiving!

Ross: guys please calm down and

Phoebe: Ross stop they're going to tell all those really juicy secrets!

Ross: No! Look we know you're going through a tough time but this is not the way to handle it

Chandler: should we really be listening to someone who's gone through 3 divorces

Ross: I was only trying to help! You know what fine, tear each other to pieces

Phoebe: Wohoo!

Ross: clearly you guys don't share a love like Rachel and I's

Monica: oh so what we should break up, get drunk and marred in Vegas, get that annulled and then get drunk several years later and conceive a child? You know your relationship seems reliant on alcohol

Rachel: well you and Chandler wouldn't have ever even gotten together if it weren't for your drunken, desperate ass

Ross: and I didn't say to do it in that exact order but look how far we've come, we're finally happy, we're a family and one day we'll get married and expand our love filled family

Rachel: I'm sorry but isn't it courtesy for the woman to have a say in having more children and getting married

Ross: course you have a say sweetie but that is where we're heading . . . you think so too right?

Rachel: I don't know Ross, we've only just got back together and (realizes everyones listening to their conversation) can we not have this conversation in private?

Chandler: no you got to hear some of our crap so it's only fair we hear yours!

Rachel: how is that fair! I'm not some attention craving mad woman like your wife and don't get me started on you

Monica: hey you insult my man you insult me!

Phoebe: weren't you listening? she did insult you she called you a . . . what was it?

Rachel: attention craving mad woman, and I meant every word of it!

Monica: sure you weren't looking in the mirror when you said that!

Rachel: what does that even mean?

Chandler: honey I think that made no sense

Monica: don't whine about it just back me up Chandler!

Joey: guys I hate to break this up but there's smoke coming out of the oven

Monica: oh god the turkey!

Joey: not the turkey! (Monica takes it out of the oven & its burnt) why is it always the good ones that go!

Chandler: it's ok man, you can have some of my chicken

Monica: actually no he can't . . . because I never made you any

Chandler: what! The one thing I ever ask you to do for me on thanksgiving

Monica: I'm sorry, I was still really angry at you and thought you were kind of over that whole childhood trauma thing and could eat turkey . . . but it was mostly the anger thing . . . love you

Chandler: 'I love you' just isn't going to cut this one Monica

Ross: 'I love you' will cut it with me Rach!

Rachel: Ross please not now!

Phoebe: anybody love me?

Chandler: look I think it's pretty obvious thanksgiving is over so can everybody just leave

Rachel: that's probably not a bad idea

Joey: what about the food! (Ross & Rachel start getting ready to leave) does nobody care that I haven't eaten in over two hours knowing I was going to stuff myself silly with this dinner!

Monica: No! Nobodys leaving, its thanksgiving and we still have all the vegetables, its only turkey . . . we can all be vegetarians for the day

Phoebe: no vegetarianism is MY thing!

Ross: I thought you did it because eating animals is wrong not because it's a 'thing'!

Phoebe: nah its a really cool thing to have . . . and tends to show up people who don't cook any vegetarian food (glares at Monica)

Monica: hey I always give you an option!

Phoebe: hm today for dinner I have brussel sprouts and carrots and last year I had . . . brussel sprouts and carrots! And now because of your screw up I have to share my brussel sprouts and my carrots with you guys

Joey: ow the hunger pains!

Chandler: its been two hours!

Joey: actually more like one, I stole some of the desert Monica was storing in my fridge but still my metabolism is so big!

Chandler: well I'm glad to see your using my 'word of the day' calendar

Monica: look this is thanksgiving and even though we mightn't want to be together we have to!

Chandler: did you read that inspirational message off a hallmark card

Monica: I'm going to continue ignoring you, get some food together and have dinner with my friends

Ross: I'm downgrading you to acquaintances after everything that's been said

Joey: acquaint what? (whisper) Chandler where's that calendar?

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, everyone sitting down to dinner

Monica: okay so we have some left over lasagne I found in the freezer, now I'm not sure how long its been in there but its probably safe, there's some pancakes, we've got all the vegetables

Ross: why's there marmalade out?

Monica: because I just raided the fridge and put anything edible out! And other pearls of wisdom to share with us Dr. Gellar!

Joey: right are you done woman because this looks amazing and its time for me to dig in!

Rachel: Joey you do realize you're mixing pancakes with lasagne and yes now he's throwing marmalade over it all

Joey: are you kidding, this is like a dream come true for me!

Scene Monica & Chandler's, everyone there sprawled out on the couches

Joey: can I just say I think you out did yourself Monica, with all that arguing I didn't think I'd be eating at all today!

Monica: you were usually cranky and hungry today

Joey: well I didn't sleep very well last night (glares at Phoebe)

Phoebe: I get the hint Tribbiani I'll invest in a better quality gag for my man friends

Joey: thank you Phoebe! You know you couples could learn from us, see how we solved our problems

Ross: not all of life's problems could be solved with a mouth gag!

Chandler: that's not what my parents believe

Joey: so Monica, Chandler can you guys kiss and make up?

Monica: no time I have to go wash the dishes I can almost feel the food embedding into my precious cutlery

Joey: woman I married you and its my mission to keep you two together!

Chandler: let her go Joe, cleaning for her . . . its like sex to a man, once you want to do it you won't stop till you get the job done

Phoebe: tell me about it!

Chandler: all this talk about mouth gags and your obvious sex addiction, Phoebe you've never been more attractive!

Phoebe: join the queue Bing but be prepared to wait awhile I have a lot of admirers

ENDING CREDITS

Scene: Monica & Chandler's, its night time, Joey & Phoebe are in the kitchen

Phoebe: we probably shouldn't be here since the light's still on in their bedroom

Joey: well then the sooner we find the lasagne-pancake leftovers the sooner we can leave!

Phoebe: you think they're arguing or having make up sex?

Joey: usually when they have make-up sex the clothes are removed in a hurry before they enter the bedroom and afterwards Monica comes back out to clear up the clothes, I know all about their sex life

Phoebe: well there's only one way to find out (she enters the bedroom & then runs out) you obviously don't know everything! abort the plan abort the plan! (she leaves)

Joey: (outside the bedroom) sorry Monica, I know you've probably gotten your hands full right now but where are the left overs from dinner? (the door slams shut) some people are so rude!