They get to New Vulcan a few days later. Most of the crew beam down for the change of scene, but a few stay behind – to work, to rest. Scotty's working on the engines, something to do with increasing the ship's efficiency. Jim is also stuck on the ship, doing all the paperwork he's been studiously ignoring or falling behind on for the last few months and that Starfleet is now demanding.
Leonard, Spock and Alex are the last three to beam down.
"I was able to arrange a meeting with the healer. She advised us to attend as soon as possible."
"Does she know we're all going?" Leonard asks.
"Yes. I did forewarn her that there would be three of us present."
The office is small, but perfectly neat. White walls, neutral furniture, and a few small glass weights, some with colours suspended, others clear. There are bookshelves along one wall, holding huge numbers of datapads, along with a few smaller paperback and hardback books.
The healer is an older woman, tall, with silvery hair and green eyes, dressed in traditional robes. When they arrive, Spock rapidly explains in Vulcan who they are and why they are present. The healer nods, makes a few brief notes, and gestures for them to sit.
"Now then. Which of you is Kepton?"
Alex raises his hand. "I am Alexis Kepton."
"Date of birth?"
Alex looks at Spock, who gives the two dates: one for the Vulcan, one for the human. The healer frowns, writes down both and then continues.
"Human or Vulcan?"
"Neither and both. Hybrid."
Another frown, another scribbled note.
"Have you attempted to meld recently?"
"Yes, and it was successful."
"Have you attempted to bond with another?"
Alex swallows nervously and glances to his right, at Leonard. "No. Not yet."
When the healer looks down to note his response, Leonard briefly takes his hand and squeezes lightly.
It's alright. I'm here.
I know.
"I will need to ask a few personal questions, so if your friends could wait outside for a moment," she says, not looking up.
Once Spock and Leonard have left, she continues. "Were you raised human or Vulcan?"
"Raised Vulcan, but I learned I was human approximately at the age of eight. I transferred to Earth and joined Starfleet three days after I turned seventeen."
The healer raises one perfect eyebrow. "You ran away?"
"I did."
She notes it down. "What is the nature of your problem?"
"I have always found my emotions difficult to control, apparently more so than my peers. After researching my parents and background I learned that there was a possibility that I am the fusion of a human mind and a Vulcan katra. I believe it is this fusion that has caused the problem."
"How so?"
"I… I am depressed, to the point of being suicidal. I cannot suppress the emotions, as is the Vulcan way, but I cannot let them go either, as humans can. I cannot control fears that I know to be irrational, and I cannot cope with my own emotional pain."
"Can you tell me where this 'pain' stems from?"
"I have never fitted in, I have never belonged anywhere. Because I am neither human nor Vulcan, I did not truly belong with either community. Only recently have I found a small group who accept me as I am without mocking me or trying to change me."
The healer nods, writes something down. "What would you want to gain from this healing?"
"I need to be able to reconcile the two minds. I do not wish to lose or suppress either, but I need to find a way to control the emotional differences."
"I am going to have to perform a surface meld, and then a deeper meld, to assess your state," the healer explains. "If there is something you do not wish me to see, tell me now."
Alex swallows, and mutters: "My memories of… intimacy with Leonard."
Is that a faint hint of a smile on her face? "Very well."
The meld is light, barely there; just the whisper of another's mind against his. As it became deeper, Alex has to fight the urge to push back against this unknown influence. When she breaks the meld a few minutes later, his mind gasps with relief.
"I have never encountered this before," the healer admits, as Spock and Leonard re-enter. "You are correct; you are indeed a fusion of two minds. You say you do not wish to suppress either?"
"I do not."
"In that case, all I can do is try to teach you how to cope with the conflict. How long can you remain here?"
"Shore leave ends in five days."
"Then I suggest you come back here tomorrow, as early as possible, and I shall try to help you."
"Any use?" Leonard asks, as they walk back. Spock has gone to talk to his father, so for the moment, they are alone.
"In a limited way. I have to go back tomorrow." Alex sighs, runs one hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Leonard asks, frowning. "None of this is your fault."
Alex laughs bitterly. "How is it not my fault, exactly? If I could keep it together, if I could control myself, if I'd got the damn dose right, none of this would be happening."
Leonard links their fingers together. "It is not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You are doing the best that you can, and frankly, I am amazed. I would have been lost long ago."
Alex half-smiles, flushing slightly, looking down and away. "You do know what this gesture means on Vulcan, right?" he asks, holding up their linked fingers.
Leonard smirks. It's not a strong link, Alex is deliberately shielding his thoughts, but there are still emotions leaking through. Specifically, lust, love, desire, adoration. And a tiny thread of hope.
"I could not give less of a damn. Let's go back up – I need to take this somewhere private before I scar some poor Vulcan teenager." He flips open the communicator. "Two to beam up, Scotty."
When they are alone again, standing in his quarters with the door closed and locked, he mutters to the younger man, "You don't need to hope."
Alex looks at him, puzzled, confused. "What do you mean?"
"You still hope that things will get better. It doesn't have to be a hope, it's not a maybe or an if, it is a when and a will. It's not hope if you know it's going to happen. Same way you don't need to hope we can stay together. We will. Apart from anything else, if I've put up with you this long, you can't get rid of me that easily."
Alex doesn't answer directly, kissing him, hard, pulling him back against the wall.
"I love you," Leonard says when they break apart for air. "I love you, you crazy bastard. And I'll keep saying it until you damn well believe it."
Alex shivers and wraps his arms around Leonard, hiding his face. It feels like he's trying to suppress tears.
