*Hey dearest readers I am so sorry for this chapter being so late. My summer has been hectic thus far but here it is finally and I promise that another one will be up sooner. Hope you enjoy it and PLEASE REVIEW! I love to hear from you all *
(Harry)
And after that day, I guess I could say that the days went by very slowly for me. The hours dragged by and even though I used to like doing Occlumency lessons with Dumbledore, I missed Snape at least teaching me one on one. I missed the look in his dark eyes as he would gaze at me, maybe trying to send me a signal that he cared and wanted me to understand. But I just couldn't do that. I still couldn't accept the fact that he cared and understood because my heart was breaking slowly and most painfully. And he was the only one who could help me stop these anguished feelings.
At nights I dreamt about him, how he'd say he loved me and that we'd be together someday. I thought silently as I sat in class about if he would find someone who'd love him better than I did and maybe he'd love them back. Oh why did I have to be his student? Why did I have to be Harry Potter? And why in the world had I fallen for Severus Snape above all other males in the universe?
The Christmas holidays came and I agreed to spend it with Lupin and Sirius because they had asked me to keep them company in that big lonely house. At first I wanted to agree right, because I figured that I'd get in their way when they wanted to become intimate and such. But then I realised that it was either staying with them or the Dursleys. And trust me, I knew what I wanted right there and then.
But Grimmauld's Place held many memories for me, I realised as I sat in last Potions class for that term. I'd think of him being there and then I'd want to think even deeper. And he'd obviously show up for Order meetings right? I mean, although I had realised that I had to get over him, I still wanted to see him. I still believed that it would be perfect to stay with Sirius and Lupin so that I could at least get to see Snape on some occasions. Was that a crime? I guess you'd say it wasn't a good line of thought but I figured that if I saw him a few times, maybe I'd get over him faster, instead of spending the entire summer not hearing or seeing him and just longing to see him again.
However, I was wrong somehow. In fact, I was so stupid to actually believe that seeing him more would increase the rate of me getting over him.
And so my eyes rested on his. Today he had decided to allow us to rest a bit and I was a bit surprised at his change in behaviour. I guess I should have savoured this change in him in class today but my mind was somehow elsewhere. It was always elsewhere these days. Even when Hermione and Ron attempted to start a conversation with me, I just nodded or muttered something. Everyone was realising that this wasn't me. This wasn't the Harry Potter they knew: the boy who was always daring and to tell you the truth, I hadn't broken any rules so far this term. I had spoken out of terms yes, but that was it.
The bell rang, snapping me back to the classroom and my eyes met Snape's. He was looking at me as well and I immediately diverted my eyes to pack up my bag.
'Potter, I need to speak with you', he said loudly above the noise of scraping chairs and shuffling of feet.
And I took up my bag then began to walk to the front of the class, hearing Ron asking distinctly why I was always being called on these days by Snape.
'It's nothing new, Ron', Hermione said from behind me. 'He always gets Snape on his nerves.'
'See you in the Hall, Harry', Ron said and I looked back and nodded.
I went up to stand before Snape who was sitting with his hands rested on the table's surface. He looked up at me and then to the back of the classroom, probably waiting until my colleagues had all gone out of the room.
'How are you, Harry?' he asked softly and he motioned for me to sit on a chair that was near his desk. 'You look terrible.'
When I only sat down silently and didn't answer, he continued. 'I'm sorry for asking that. It's obvious that you're going through hell. How's your Occlumency lessons been going with Professor Dumbledore?'
'It's been alright', I said looking at him. 'I've gotten better now, especially after he started to see the memories I have of you.'
Snape smiled at this and sighed. 'How did he react when he saw those memories?'
'Well', and I rested my hand on the table then sighed, 'he wasn't pleased. Said how that was not right. How I'd have to realise that it could never happen.'
He looked at me smiling wryly and then ran his fingers through his dark hair with his right hand. 'He's right. Maybe you'll meet another guy over the summer or a girl who will capture your heart and bewitch you beyond means. You'll forget about me, Harry. I'm just a silly crush.'
'No you're not', I said sadly, my eyes burning. 'You're not just a crush, you're more than that. There's no other guy or girl who could take your place, Snape.'
Snape gazed back at me and his eyes became moist. I watched as he tried to smile but it seemed as if it pained him to do such a thing because he bit his lips instead. I really wanted to know what he was thinking but I just couldn't. I wanted to know if he loved me, if he had enjoyed when I kissed him and if he thought of me as really kind and sincere.
'That means a lot to me, Harry', he said softly and for the first time I noticed that he had his right hand resting on his left arm. He was sadly looking down on it as if regretting something. And it was then that I realised what was on his left hand. 'You don't know how much that means to me. I promise you though that there will come a time when someone will steal your heart away without you even knowing it. And then you'll fall in love and marry. And before you know it, years will be gone by and then one day you'll think to yourself, what happened to Severus Snape?'
'I'll come looking for you', I said feeling a tear escape and it chilled my cheek as it trailed its way down to my chin. 'I promise I will. I'll always remember that you were the first person that I really fell deeply in love with.'
'Stop you are most likely going to make me cry, Harry', he said and sniffed then smiled stiffly but he was avoiding me eyes. 'I want you to come looking for me. I really would love that. No matter what happens, no matter what people say of me or what terrible things I might be accused of doing, I want you to remember that a Death Eater once said he cared most dearly for you.' And he laughed as a tear slipped down his pale cheek.
I reached out and used my thumb to wipe it away. 'Don't cry. Severus Snape isn't capable of crying.' And I smiled.
'You'd be amazed at what I am capable of. I do have my moments. I am human after all.'
I watched as he silently massaged his left arm and as if reading my mind, he sighed then said, 'my biggest mistake.'
'Does it hurt?' I asked and he nodded.
'It does these days, Harry. He's getting stronger.'
'I'm always ready for him: to finish him off for good. I'll do it one day.'
Something passed over Snape's face as he looked back at me but then it was gone as the wind is as soon as it sweeps across a bed of flowers. 'I know you can.'
And after awhile in silence, he asked what I had planned for the summer.
'Sirius asked me to stay at Grimmauld's Place for the summer', I said and saw his eyes darken at the mention of my Godfather's name. 'I said yes.'
'So I'll see you over the summer then', he said. 'And you will relate to me if you have met someone else. I'd be most welcome to hearing if you did.'
'Trust me, there wouldn't be anyone.'
'Don't say that', he said quickly. 'You are Harry Potter, the 'Chosen One'. If you can't find someone then God forsake the rest of us. There's Ginny Weasley, Tonks, Cho and even Ms. Granger.'
'You're trying too hard but it's not going to happen. I don't feel anything for them. It's just you I –'
'I believe we must be late for dinner already', Snape said quickly cutting me off. 'Run along now. We'll see each other soon. Do enjoy your train ride to London.'
'Right', I said getting up and taking my bag up with me. 'See you Snape.'
'Take care, Harry. And please, when I do grace Grimmauld's Place with my presence, make sure you're not sulking. I want to see you in a most cheerful mood.'
'I'll try', I said and I walked out of the classroom.
At the door I turned back and waved at him. And then I walked away.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
(Snape)
If I did relate to you that my feelings passed for Harry within a few months time, I'd be lying for nothing of that sort occurred. You see, as soon as I stepped into Grimmauld's Place that summer (about three weeks into the holidays), my eyes sought him out immediately. And added to the fact that the sky suddenly burst with rain at that very moment, I declared myself cursed entirely. My head swivelled back to take in the sudden downpour and I sighed because the outcome was evident. I'd have to stay a little longer than I anticipated. With that on my mind like fresh dew on the grass in the morning, I walked along the hallway and followed the sound of their hushed voices quite audible from behind the large brown oak door.
'Hey', a voice floated down at me from somewhere above and I gazed up and into those green eyes that once captivated my soul with tremendous force. 'Night, Snape.'
'Mr. Potter', I said with a small smile playing on my lips, 'what a pleasant surprise. Why might I ask are you up at such a late hour?'
He smiled mischievously at me then ran his fingers through his hair. 'I heard that you were coming here tonight so –'
'...naturally you waited up to catch a glimpse of me', I continued, 'how delightful. I feel almost celebrity-like.'
'Well you are a spy so I think that would make you some sort of celebrity.' And he smiled even broader.
'Go to bed, Harry', I said smiling and my hand reached out for the doorknob to turn it.
'Snape', he said in that voice of his that easily rattled my heart around my chest. 'I missed your voice.'
I could hear that he had obviously rushed those words out from within. And as he gazed down at me, I felt the strong line pulling me in, tugging at my pitiful heart. But I casually lowered my eyes and kept that smile on my face. However, I was feeling anything but happy at that moment for he had once again succeeded in tranquilising me with his most dramatic sentences.
'Brilliant', was all I said and quickly rushed on, 'now I must be getting inside. We have serious matters to discuss concerning you. Spare us worry and run along to bed.'
I saw his face fall and my heart did as well for I didn't want to disappoint him of all people. But that was what I had to do and it had to be done for both of us. Turning the handle, I pushed open the door.
'Good night, Potter', I said, my eyes on his.
'Night.' And he turned around without saying anything else then went back upstairs.
oOoOoOoOoOo
I was accustomed to him brushing me off like that. It wasn't anything new to me, truthfully. But he would do it at the most touchy moments like just now when I said I missed his voice. If he knew how much effort it took...courage...to say that to him. There it was, stuck in my throat because I had been rehearsing what I'd say to him if...when I met him. And when I did say it, hoping for him to say he missed me too, I got nothing. Of course, that was predictable I guess.
This is not going to help you get over him, Harry.
I couldn't do it. Imagine Harry Potter, the one who seemed brave even to Voldemort couldn't even control his bloody feelings. Harry Potter was somehow becoming a soft tomato that felt the squeeze everything he saw Snape. It was never like this before! How could one person have such an effect on me? And how could I stop it? This was obviously not going anywhere because Snape probably became so freaked out when I started acting all gay on him.
Go back upstairs, climb into bed and close your eyes.
I'd dream about him! Every single night I did and if it wasn't him expressing his love for me, it was me making myself a complete fool like always by blurting out stupid compliments about him. I had to follow my conscience and go to bed.
But you know what the famous Harry Potter did? Oh yeah, he climbed the stairs all the way to the top, went down back, listened in by the door. Then he went back up again. Lucky for me, on my third trip up, I braved it to check out what was behind the door at the top of the landing. Taking out my wand, I turned the doorknob and stepped forward, ready to curse any damn thing in my path. But it was just a small staircase leading further up. I climbed it and voila! I had somehow gotten unto this platform on the roof.
The rain lashed out at me from all directions, forcing me to lift my hands to shield my face. But it was fantastic to me! I stood there getting completely drenched and then like a lunatic, I removed my hands from my face then waved them around. I couldn't remember the last time that I was caught in a downpour. It felt absolutely thrilling to just stand out there and allow the tiny forceful whips of rain to drench me.
When I had gotten back to my room and changed off, I heard the sound of voices coming from downstairs and figured that the meeting must be over. Finally. Checking my watch, I saw that it was almost midnight. From the landing above, I could make out Tonks because of her strawberry coloured hair and Lupin with his arms around Sirius. I could see Snape as well but he was engrossed in a hushed conversation with McGonagall. It was when he raised his head and his eyes met mine that I stepped back into the shadows to hide myself.
He might think that something was wrong with me. Snape might think that I have this weirdly obsessive disorder that involves me being overly interested in him.
Stepping into my room on the second floor, I closed the door then went to lie on my bed. Almost too quickly, I was asleep.
I was in some sort of room, the walls covered with mirrors and all I could see was me...torn, bloody and wasted. A small door was opened on my right and the white laced curtain that hung there billowed as the wind blew in with force. The moonlight was casting a soft mellow glow unto the floor but I was still somehow afraid of something that was out there...something coming to get me.
My heart thudded like drumbeats in my chest and I felt feverish...my throat almost too dry. Licking my lips, I circled on the spot after the whispers began from all around me.
'But he's the Chosen One.'
'He's just a Loser at love.'
'He's so Gay.'
'What about Snape?'
'But he's a Death Eater.'
'Fraternising with the enemy, you are.'
'Snape? Are you sure? But he's dead.'
'Snape's dead?'
'Yes. Voldemort finished him. Harry must know. He was there.'
I lifted my hands to cover my ears to block out their voices but it seemed as if they were inside my head. My head pounded terribly and I crumpled to the floor because I couldn't take it anymore.
'Snape's dead and it's his entire fault.'
'NO!' I shouted, my voice mixing with the howling of the wind. 'HE'S NOT DEAD! SNAPE'S NOT DEAD!'
'He's dead', I kept hearing.
'SNAPE!'
'Snape's dead, Harry Potter.'
'NO! SNAPE!'
Hands reached out at me when I closed my eyes and I tried to bat them away. I was struggling. Hands were grabbing me. 'NO!'
'Harry. Harry, wake up. Wake up, Harry.'
The voice was so near my ear that I jumped up with fright, my eyes snapping open. That voice was so familiar.
'Harry it was just a nightmare. You're awake now. Whatever it was, it's over now.' And I felt his arm around me. 'Come on, sit up and drink this.'
My eyes took a little while to adjust to the dark but when it did, I saw Snape sitting beside me on my bed. He was still here. I took the glass of water that he held out and drank generously, my throat parched, my body soaked from sweat.
'I...you', and a sob escaped from within me. I felt somehow like a fool in front of him.
'It's alright', he assured me and as if sensing that his arm around me was a bit too intimate, he slid it out from behind me. I felt devastated when he did that. 'Was it about the Dark Lord?'
Could I tell him what I had just dreamt?
'No. I was in this room covered with mirrors and there were voices...voices whispering things. They were telling me that you were...' and my voice caught in my throat. I wanted it to stay there.
'I was what?' Snape asked, his face lined with worry. And when I didn't answer, he rested his hand on mine. 'I was what Harry?'
'They were telling me that you were dead...and I had been there...that Voldemort had killed you.' And I hunched over, my chest aching terribly. It pained to breath and it felt as if I had just run a marathon.
'Why do you have these most terrible dreams about me?' he asked almost to himself and not me. 'The very first I saw what when I was in the graveyard and the Dark Lord was punishing me and now this?'
I watched as he gazed into the dark, obviously thinking about it all. And then he turned to me and forced a smile. 'Don't you ever dream good things about me?'
I knew he was trying to ease my fears by asking that...he was trying to create some humour so that I'd feel better. But it didn't really work because I kept thinking about him and I being together...
'Sometimes I do.'
'Well then, try to remember one of those good dreams, probably me playing Quidditch with you...and let that nightmare slip away.' He made an attempt to get up and off the bed but I reached out and held unto his hand.
'Snape I –'
'Harry...' and he softly slipped his hand from my grasp, 'I'll see you in the morning if you wake up early enough. I'm staying here tonight. Storm has found it humorous to lock me in here tonight.'
'Fine', I said almost too quickly and I knew there was pain in my voice. My chest just felt extremely painful and with every breath I took, I felt as if I had a knife in my chest and it was hard for me to take full breaths.
Turning the other way with my back towards him, curled up and stared into the dark. I knew he was there looking at me. I could feel his eyes on me. But I wasn't going to turn around because it seemed as if every time I had an encounter with him, I made myself a complete fool. Like just now, did I have to reach out to hold his hand? Dammit! I was going to tell him that I was worried about him...
'I'm sorry, Harry', he said quietly. 'I didn't mean to hurt –'
'It's fine, really.'
'Maybe I should go. I think that's best.'
'Yeah you should.' And I closed my eyes as I felt the hot tears welling up. A clap of thunder sounded from above and then there was that streak of lightening right outside my window. What a suitable weather.
A few minutes went by and I still didn't hear my door open so I knew he was right there all the time. But I dared not turn back to look at him or else I might make myself a damn fool again. And then the sound that I dreaded creaked through the darkness. I heard him turn the knob and then the door opened. His shoes tapped lightly on the floor as he went out and when the door shut back with a click, I buried my head in my pillow and cried.
It seemed as if a night never went by without me doing so. I was becoming a sissy and I feared it. Boys didn't cry. And in the dark I could only imagine Kreacher smirking as my sobs met his dirty ears.
oOoOoOoOoOo
I was climbing the stairs when I suddenly saw the shadowed form lurking outside Harry's door. It had to be Snape and my anger climbed when I began to wonder what he had been doing to my Godson. But when I edged nearer to my bedroom door, I heard the most unbelievable thing...a sob came from that cold, hard and yet disgusting man.
I watched alarmingly as Severus Snape lifted his hands to his face and sobbed behind them. The man was capable of crying? And what was he crying for? Did Harry just tell him off? Or did he try to do something to my Godson and Harry lashed out at him? The bloody madman!
As soon as I began to step forward to go and confront him, hands held me from behind. 'Leave him be, Padfoot.'
It was Remus.
Snape wiped his eyes then proceeded along the hallway and into his room. 'Why is he crying? He doesn't cry.'
'Love does that to people.'
'Love? You're saying he loves Harry too?' I turned to face Remus, my eyes wide.
'It's my only guess.'
'Tell me more', I urged as he led me back to our room.
'Well I believe dear Severus has feelings for our Harry as well but he's not letting his barriers down. He's playing his role as a teacher and denying his feelings...however, Harry is not. My only guess is that Harry is trying to persuade him to love him more but Severus is refusing to give in. It will only hurt him more.'
'It will hurt Harry most', I said. 'Why couldn't he fall for some other bloke? Severus Snape?'
'Love has no direct target', Remus said softly. 'Love has no boundaries, and it speaks from the heart...never explains.'
'Celine Dion', I said smiling.
'The one and only...come here.' And I allowed myself to be led unto the bed, thunder clapped above us. I only wished Harry could enjoy the night as much as I did.
Writer's Comment: I was wondering if I should end this chapter here. LOL I don't want a lengthy story. However, it's been awhile since any of you have read more of this. And I see it fit to post this up. PLEASE REVIEW I love hearing from you all.
