Chapter 6

Finn


Chapter song(s): I Love The Way You Love Me by John Michael Montgomery, Drops of Jupiter by Train, and The Dance by Garth Brooks


"Please, would you do my the honor in welcoming my father, Finn Hudson, to the stage."

I don't know what I was expecting from today when I woke up this morning. Maybe, I was expecting to go into this celebration of life with a clear head, and leave all of my emotions at the front door. Maybe I was expecting there to not be so many people who had come out to celebrate the woman that my wife was... is. Is and always will be. Maybe I was expecting to not say anything at all — to chicken out at the last minute. Maybe I was expecting for the celebration of life to not go as beautifully as it had.

And now, it was my turn to get up on stage and fuck it all up.

I am so caught up in what had just happened that I almost need my daughter to repeat what she had just said. My mother and step-father are sitting inches from me, and offer a warm smile in my direction as soon as I realize that it is my cue. Mr. Schuester pats me on the back delicately, reminding me of times when he would offer his support in the choir room back in our high school days. The emotions in the room can be cut with a knife. Multiple people — some that I haven't seen since we walked the stage and flipped our tassels at McKinley — are amongst those crying this evening. It is taking all of the strength that I have in me to make it onto that stage and prove to everyone that I am beginning my grieving process and that I can say something nice about the woman that I miss more than anything else in this world. I lose my footing and trip as I try to climb over the red fabric chairs. Annalise sees me stumble and walks down the stairs of the stage, taking a hold of my hand and allowing me to re-gain my balance.

"You're okay, she whispers. "It's not too bad once you get up there. I love you, dad. Just look out at us if you get nervous."

I wrap my daughter gently in my arms. Feeling as though I am going to break at any moment, I simply tell her I love her, too. Kurt and Annalise exit the stage, as the spotlight radiates down on my body, making the skin under my attire begin to sweat. I have had a spotlight on me many times before, but, this one seems much brighter. I take a few deep breaths and let out a small chuckle, as I remove the folded piece of paper from the pocket of my dress pants. I smooth it out on the podium and stare at the words on the page once more. Inside of my head, I am praying to God that I have the strength to make it through this speech. "Thank you all for coming this evening," I begin, looking out into the sea of familiar faces. "As many of you know, my name is Finn Hudson. Rachel and I were married for a very long time — somewhere between figuring out what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives and the beginning of the war in Iraq. Back then, I always thought that Rachel would be burying me before we put her in the ground, with my love of defending the country out on the battlefield. It was uh... it was definitely something we had talked about a lot, and something that I never imagined happening: becoming a widow this young was one of my biggest fears." I pause as I look out in the audience and lock eyes with Annalise almost immediately — her chin is rested on her fist, and her elbow is rested on her right leg, as she leans forward to watch me. "I don't need to sit here and tell any of you how Rachel was or what she meant to me. All of you got to live in our lives, even if only for just a little bit, and experience the magic that was Rachel Berry. Rachel is and always will be my soul-mate; I knew that from the first time we met. I am one of those lucky few that found his other half very early in life and now, I'm having a hard time of letting that other half of me go and becoming a full version of just me again... something that I have not done since I was 15 years old. All it took was one look and she had captivated my heart. I knew that she was the woman that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Our time together may have gotten cut short but the memories that we made together will last a lifetime. I may not have gotten the rest of my life, but, I did get the rest of hers. And I think that's pretty special — no matter the reasoning behind God taking her from us at such an early age." I clear my throat once more and stair aimlessly out into the crowd. I had more written in front of me — more of the speech that no one would remember in a few days time anyway. It didn't seem right, standing up here and just speaking about her. I knew that I had to sing, no matter if 5 minutes ago I had planned not to after all. "I would uh... I would continue on," I smile, "but Rachel wasn't a big fan of words, unless they were put in a song. And words and music, well, they kind of go together," I say, parroting a smile back at my daughter. "It would be odd of me to come up here and talk about my wife and not sing something. She was the one that always told me that singing it out just... helps. I'd like to share a song with all of you this evening," I say, as Sam begins to get out of his chair and joins me on stage. I didn't need his help and could have relied on the house band, but, the company on stage was nice, especially in a moment in which I felt very alone. "This was one of her favorites... even though she didn't like country music all that much."

"What're you thinking?" Sam asks, as he grabs an acoustic guitar placed behind him and stands behind me on stage.

"I Love The Way You Love Me," I smile. Even just saying the title of the song takes me back to the days where we would lie awake, listening to the rain mixed with the melodies of an old radio we had picked up at a garage sale. This cassette was stuck in there — the damn thing wouldn't open so we could change it — and wound up really loving this song. Those were the days when it was just us: no rings, no wedding pictures, no Annalise, no Iraq, and no cancer. If I could go back, even for just five minutes and live in that moment, I think I would be happy for the rest of my life. We take things for granted when we are young — so much so that we would do whatever it takes to go back. Time machines though, don't exist. But, memories do. And songs do, too. And this was really all I had right now.

I like the feel of your name on my lips

And I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss

The way that your fingers run through my hair

And how your scent lingers even when your not there

And I like the way your eyes dance when you laugh

And how you enjoy your two hour bath

And how you convinced me to dance in the rain

With everyone watching like we were insane

But I love the way you love me

Strong and wild

Slow and easy

Heart and soul

So completely

I love the way you love me

I like to imitate old Jerry Lee

And watch you roll your eyes when I'm slightly off key

And I like the innocent way that you cry

At sappy old movies you've seen hundreds of times

But I love the way you love me

Strong and wild

Slow and easy

Heart and soul

So completely

I love the way you love me

And I could list a million things

I love to like about you

But they all come down to one reason

I could never live without you

I love the way you love me

Strong and wild

Slow and easy

Heart and soul

So completely

I love the way you love me

Oh baby I love the way you love me

"Thank you, everyone," I say, as I begin to make my way off of the stage to the roar of the applause echoing across the theatre. Most people were standing, tissues in hand, tears streaming down their faces.

And I would be lying if I said I wasn't one of those people that had crocodile tears running down my face as well. I manage to make my way back to my seat next to my daughter, and as she looks at me, she gives me a hug and doesn't quite want to let me go. She trades Kurt's shoulder for mine, as Marlon makes his way back to the podium to welcome the next person performing. I steal a glance over at my brother, as Blaine readies himself to go up there. The three of us lock hands as Marlon introduces him, and Blaine gracefully takes his place at the piano that they wheel out from the back.

"Thank you all," he says solemnly, placing the sheet music from his lapel onto the piano in front of him. "My name is Blaine Anderson, and I am a part of our little Hummel-Hudson-Anderson clan that Rachel, Finn, Annalise, myself, and my husband, Kurt have. Rachel was my sister-in-law, and even before that, she was my friend. If it wasn't for her, I would have never found my way back to the man that I am so honored to call my husband. I am grieving with all of you here this evening, and the thought of Rachel not being here makes my heart ache. She was my family. Seeing her was the best part of my day, and I will continue to miss her, until she and I meet again. Rachel had this amazing talent - and I'm not talking about singing. I'm talking about making people feel good about themselves and their own dreams. She wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted, and she taught that to all of us in her time spent in our lives. Hans Christian Andersen has a quote that reads, when words fail, music speaks, and I think that in true honor of the diva herself, this is the song that sums up exactly what I want to say to her."

As the first ivory keys on the piano begin to touch his fingers, I close my eyes, and squeeze a little tighter to my brother and daughter's hands that were still intertwined in mine. I finally open them when I hear the words begin to pour out of Blaine's mouth - so poetic and so right for this moment. Right for her. He was singing the song that she had always turned up a little louder and danced a little slower to when the four of us would get drunk on Friday nights back in New York. I was missing her more in this moment than I had been all night. And it was all because I was back in our apartment with empty wine bottles scattered on the table, this song as loud as it would go, and her holding me close as we danced. It all feels like another lifetime ago.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

She acts like summer and walks like rain

Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey

Since the return from her stay on the moon

She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere

I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back to the milky way

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind

Was it everything you wanted to find

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken

Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone

Conversation

The best soy latte that you ever had, and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back toward the Milky Way

And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Blaine could not even take a bow once the song was finished. He continues to hang his head as tears stream down his face, running off of stage as fast as he could. Kurt wraps him in his arms, as Blaine weeps on his shoulder. The rest of the night continued on much like that. Many people from our high school and adolescence sang through the tears in their eyes on stage, dedicating songs and telling old stories about how wonderful of a person my wife was, is, and always will be. Nearing what I was almost certain was the end of the celebration of life, the hand that had been resting on my shoulder for most of the evening had soon disappeared, as Marlon introduced the next person that would be singing: Mr. Schuester.

I couldn't help but feel my throat close tightly in this moment. I don't think I had any more tears left to cry, but, upon seeing him grace the stage with his presence, those tears had managed to fall a little more freely than they had been all night. Mr. Schuester was much more than a teacher: he was our guiding light throughout glee club and had helped us become the people that we are today. He clears his throat loudly and smiles through the tears in his eyes. "Much like you all," he chuckles, "I did not come equipped with enough tissues for this evening." He wipes the corner of his eye with his satin pocket square and places it back in the pocket of his suit jacket before continuing again. "I have never had to do this before. I have been an educator for a very long time and I have never had to say goodbye to one of my students before. I had the honor of coaching Rachel for three years in my classroom. I watched her grow up in there. I got to... I got to watch her fall in love with there. Not just with the spotlight, but, with Finn." He looks out at me as he says this. Any sort of nerves that he was feeling soon leave his body. His shoulders begin to relax and he stance straightens a bit, as he clutches onto the microphone. "Even after she left Ohio, I helped her while she was embarking on her own journey. I even worked side-by-side with her while she was doing her work study program at NYADA and together her, myself, Kurt, and Blaine went on to win our fourth consecutive national championship trophy. Things never came easy for Rachel, and she knew that, with the path in life that she had chosen. She would tell us that one day, she would be on Broadway and everyone would be chanting her name to do an encore. They don't do encores on Broadway, but let me tell you, on her opening night of Funny Girl, I was sitting front row chanting for an encore. Rachel lived her life as how she wanted and was respected by many for her amazing talent. I helped to mold her into a person that felt confident going to New York, and she molded me into the teacher that I had always strived to be. This one is going to be hard to get over, but, in our choir room we were always a family. And that's always how we are going to be - losing a core member like Rachel won't change that for us. She would want us to come together during this time to celebrate her and the wonderful person that she was. My students always sang songs to me - and tonight was no exception. I felt all of you and her in those songs that you sang, and I wanted to sing one right back to all of you, to remind you that life is short, don't sweat the small stuff, and always remember to hold tightly to those that you love. You never know when they will be gone and what you wished you could have said or done to let them know just how much they meant to you. This is an oldie, but a goodie."

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd have to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I the king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Watching him exit the stage was heartbreaking. He had been a true father figure to both Rachel and myself in our hardest times of life. No matter what road we had decided to take or what monumental moment we had embraced, he was always right there to offer guidance and support. As the ceremony had began to wrap up for the evening and the New Directions has reunited on stage to sing Clapton's Tears In Heaven, the theatre became eerily silent. The only two people left in there were myself and Burt. It was too painful for me to leave right away. It had felt like I was leaving her wake all over again, begging the mortician to leave her casket open for just a little bit longer. He places his hand on the small of my back and tells me to come outside. I'm not sure what it is that finally forces me to come out, but, I had gotten there just in time. Annalise grabs my hand as we stand in the middle of Euclid Avenue and watch the marquee lights in the theatre district dim down, in honor of our favorite girl. As we stand there, taking in the atmosphere of the evening, there was truly no place I would have rather been in this moment.

And somewhere, up there, Rachel is smiling down, enjoying this moment with us, too.