Disclaimer: I don't anything except my college debt and the book "The Reader" which I just purchased yesterday from Barnes and Noble.
Stephenie Meyer created this world and is currently the owner of my life. No copyright infringement intended.
"Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile
Because you make it hard to breath
Why do you do this to me?"
--Why by Secondhand Serenade
Chapter 7: Why Do You Do This to Me?
I woke up Friday afternoon to the familiar sound of rain pounding against my window. I reluctantly opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling as the harsh memories of my restless night harassed my mind. I sighed, sitting up and stretching my arms over my head. My whole body hurt, obviously punishing me for my stupid decision to run through the woods.
Eventually, I climbed out of bed and threw on the first flannel button-down shirt and jeans that entered my line of sight. I was too tired, despite sleeping in until noon, to even care about what my hair looked like. I walked into the bathroom and slowly brushed my teeth, dragging out the event for way longer than necessary. I was still angry. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Well actually that was a lie because there was one person I did want to see.
I walked downstairs to find--to my relief--that Charlie was at work. I was happy to see that he was not home, that way I didn't have to fake a happy conversation. I grabbed the milk for a bowl of cereal and slammed the refrigerator door shut. Yeah, so apparently I was going to take my frustration out on the appliances. I poured my cereal, added some milk, and sat down at the kitchen table. I stared down at the Cheerios floating around in the endless white oasis. Each of them, slowly but surely, suffocating in the milk that overpowered their existence. I felt like a Cheerio. I was just a stupid little Cheerio that had no control over my life. With that, I threw my entire breakfast off of the table and watched as the bowl shattered to pieces on the floor. The Cheerios and milk splattered everywhere. I sat there for a few minutes just staring at the mess that I had just made. Where was this fury coming from? I have never been a short-tempered person, but after last night I felt like I wanted to punch a giant hole in the wall.
I was down on my hands and knees cleaning up the evidence of my temper tantrum when I heard a knock on the door. Who could that be? I certainly wasn't expecting anyone. Jacob had said he wouldn't stop by until after dinner. I sighed and slowly walked to the front door. I was dreading having to fake a smile, but when I opened the door and saw him standing in the doorway, grinning from ear to ear, my lips automatically turned upward on their own. His smile was contagious.
"Jacob!" I exclaimed, not hesitating to throw my arms around his neck and bury my face into his chest.
His arms instantly found their way around me and he held me close. I breathed in his scent and let his warmth overtake me. For that brief moment, I forgot why I was angry--that I was even angry at all.
"Well that was an interesting greeting," he chuckled and then kissed me gently on the side of my head.
I pulled slightly out of his embrace and looked up into his deep, brown eyes. He smiled down at me and I felt my world shift. I was getting lost in his eyes.
"What are you doing here so early?" I asked, not that the answer to that really mattered, I was just happy he was here. I needed him.
"Eh well, I just couldn't wait to see you any longer. I dreamt about you all night last night. You have no idea how happy you made me yesterday. Really, not a clue," he said excitedly.
As sweet as they were, his words brought me back to my miserable reality. I frowned and pulled away from him, leaving his side to kneel back down on the kitchen floor and finish what I started. He dreamt about me last night while my mind was on someone else. I was hardly being fair to him.
It wasn't long before he was kneeling down in front of me.
"Bella? That was too much, wasn't it? Too over the top?" he asked sounding concerned and looking around at the mess that I had made most likely wondering how it happened.
I stopped scrubbing the floor and glanced up into his worried eyes. "What? No Jacob—it's not you, okay?--I'm sorry—I'm just..." I ran my fingers through my tangled hair as I tried to find the right words. "I'm just a complete mess," I said sighing and trying to smile at him.
"I don't understand. You seemed happy last night," he said frowning.
"I was happy. I mean—I still am happy. I swear I don't regret any of it, but this just isn't going to be easy. It's not like there is a switch that I can just turn on to forget the past."
"Right, the past," he said sighing and standing to his feet. I could tell he was getting frustrated with me but he was trying not to show it. "Are you going to tell me about last night?" he asked suddenly, his voice losing some of its softness.
"What about it?" I asked really not feeling like explaining my motives behind my erratic behavior.
"C'mon, Bella, you know what I'm talking about," he said crossing his arms in front of his chest and glaring down at me.
I didn't answer him right away. Of course I knew what he was talking about. He and Embry obviously had a little exchange of thoughts after my woods fiasco. I stood up and walked over to the kitchen sink, throwing the dirty rags inside of it. I leaned my hands against the counter, allowing them to hold up my weight.
"Not right now, okay Jake?" I said looking out the window, avoiding his gaze.
I heard footsteps and in the next second I felt his warmth behind me. His hands were on my shoulders, gently turning me around to face him. They slowly made their way onto the sides of my face. He was staring intently into my eyes possibly searching them for an explanation.
"I can't help you if you won't let me in," he said sadly, brushing my cheeks with his thumbs.
I couldn't stand to look at him when I knew I was the cause of his frustration. I diverted my eyes to the floor. I had nothing to say.
"Fine," he mumbled releasing my face. "So we're really back to this?"
We both stood there for a moment in silence. It felt like the desperation of our relationship was growing by the second and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could not bring myself to speak the words I knew I needed to say.
"I can't keep up with your mood swings anymore. I'm trying, but I just can't," he said hopelessly.
He walked away from me and over to the door preparing to leave. That was the last thing that I wanted him to do but I didn't know what I could say to make him stay.
"I'm sorry…" was the only pathetic attempt I managed.
He looked at me, his eyes full of hurt. "You should have never kissed me last night if you weren't sure that's what you wanted. I have feelings too, you know," he said as he sighed and ran a hand through his spiky hair. He looked like he might say something else, but instead he just turned around and left.
He was gone. That's it. I blew it. I pushed the one person in my life that meant the most to me away. I stood there by the sink, frozen—unable to move.
I heard the front door open and close again. I looked up to see Jacob walking toward me. He looked conflicted and I thought I heard him curse himself under his breath.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I just broke my promise to you, didn't I?"
I shrugged. "It's okay. I won't blame you for leaving me," I said biting my bottom lip and looking away from his gaze.
"I don't want to leave you, Bella" he said as he brought his hand under my chin and tilted it up so I would look at him. "Sometimes you can just be so frustrating."
"I'm sorry for shutting you out," I said. "And for being really pathetic all of the time."
"Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm the only pathetic one here. I couldn't even stay mad at you for an entire minute. Now that is pretty sad," he said laughing lightly.
I couldn't help but smile.
"Oh Jake, what am I doing? How did I get here?" I asked rhetorically.
"Well it looked like you were cleaning up some cereal off the floor, and you live here so that would explain how you got here," he replied, grinning.
"Oh shut up," I said shoving him playfully. "Leave it to you to crack a joke at a time like this."
He shrugged. "You know me, Bells. I can never pass up an opportunity to tease you."
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close to his body. "You're going to be okay. We are going to be okay."
For once, I believed that he was right. He pulled away from me sooner than I liked.
"I really do have to go now, though. I promised Billy I wouldn't be long," he told me regretfully. "I guess he wants me to help him change some light bulbs or something, you know--manly stuff." He winked at me after that last part.
I rolled my eyes. "Okay, I'll still see you later then?" I asked hopefully.
"Oh yeah, about that….I decided I want to take you out on a proper date…I mean…if you're up for it?"
I raised my eyebrows at him. "I don't do dates, Jacob."
"Oh c'mon, what do you mean you don't do dates? I want to take you out to a restaurant like a normal boyfriend would do."
"I don't know. I just don't like dressing up and having to act all formal. It's so awkward; it's not me at all"
"Who said you have to get all dressed up? We can just go to the local diner and eat burgers and fries. C'mon please?" he pleaded.
I was no match for his begging. It was useless trying to refuse him when he was looking at me like that.
"Oh okay, fine," I said frustrated that I was such a push-over. "But, no fancy places and definitely no buying me flowers."
His smile was so big you'd think I just agreed to marry him. He pulled me into another one of his life-squeezing hugs.
"I'll pick you up at six. Don't be late," he said laughing, and then he released me and turned around to walk out the door.
A/N: Ohhhh...hott date next chapter. Can't wait for that! If you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me.
