Title: Too Much Time

Authors: Starfisher & CocoaJuju

Fandom: Grey's Anatomy

Pairing: MerDer

Timeline: Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.


Chapter 6

(written by Starfisher)

The world seemed to halt. The nurses and interns and residents and other attendings rushed outside the room while he stayed still. The floor seemed to meet his head, except it didn't, and suddenly everything was dark and quiet and still.

"Josh...Derek."

Derek turned on his heel, grabbing onto a railing to steady himself. "Meredith."

They stared at each other, blue locking with the green, and he noticed there was so much false hope in her eyes and she knew it, so much sadness and trauma and pain. He could see. He knew her. And it scared him. She didn't want to try again. Sometime, maybe, but not now. Maybe she was telling herself that there was too much going on. Moving back to Seattle and having two four-year-olds probably did that to you.

She was ready to try again, he knew. She was. But she didn't want to. Because she was too afraid to fall for him and have to let go. Meredith was afraid of loving him.

Then it struck him: it wasn't just Meredith. It was himself, too. They were both afraid of love.

She sat down carefully in a chair near the door, like it would break if she sat too hard. "I was going to tell you."

"Sure," he said sarcastically. "Sure you were. Going to tell me that on top of a four-year-old daughter I have another, equally four-year-old son who has a brain tumor that I have to see die?"

He bit his tongue, but it was too late. He couldn't take the words back, and the pain was shown in her eyes. Regretfully, he murmured a "Sorry" but she brushed it off.

"No," she said, looking at her hands in her lap and then her head shot up. "You're right. You're completely right. I was coming to tell you. And I need to tell you something else."

"You're not ready."

And she didn't say anything, sort of as if she had known he would know. Just nodded, and he noticed the tears streaking down her face.

"I'm not ready."

"Mommy?"

Both adults swiveled their heads toward the bead, where Josh's eyes fluttered open and he lay as listless and lifeless as he had been asleep.

"Hey, kid," Meredith said softly, perching on the end of the bed and brushing a few locks of his curly blonde hair out of his eyes. Blue eyes, he noticed, like Erin's, but his hair was a darker shade of blonde than even Meredith's. The resemblance wasn't very striking between Josh and Meredith in terms of facial structure, but it struck him: it was him. Josh looked like himself at four, in that old family portrait where Kath kept trying to get him to laugh. Josh looked like him.

"Mommy," Josh repeated as if it was a struggle to speak – which, Derek realized, it was.

"How are you?"

Josh shook his head slowly. "Hurt," he said and his eyes landed on Derek, who gave a painful smile at the small boy. It was so hard, so very, very hard to see him.

"This is Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said, following Josh's line of vision. "A friend of mine. No more Dr. Saunders anymore, kid."

"You can call me Derek," Derek said as he strode to the other side of the bed. "So you're hurting a little?"

"He said he's in pain," Meredith defended the small boy.

There were a few murmurs and squeals and low voices at the door; Derek turned to see the surgical residents, Erin, Addison, and Bailey.

"Erin!" Meredith said and Derek could see Josh craning his head.

"Mama!" Erin cried and launched herself at her mother, who boosted her up into her lap.

"I picked up the little monster from her preschool," George said from the doorway.

"Do you want me to stay?" Izzie, Alex, and George asked at the same time.

Meredith shook her head. Derek could sense her discomfort and discreetly motioned for them all to leave, at which each of them glared at him. We're staying, Alex mouthed defensively.

"Didn't you hear me?" Meredith said, still not looking their way, loose hairs covering her face so her tear-streaked cheeks and puffy eyes were hidden. "Go!"

Izzie, Alex, and George left reluctantly, each glaring at Derek in turn. Great. That would be one fun fight.

"Meredith?" Addison's head just barely came around the door. "Meredith, I have to finish packing. Are you okay here?"

Her head nodded, the loose hairs bobbed up and down along with her low ponytail, but she didn't say anything. Addison made her way into the room and went up to Derek, who subconsciously sidestepped her. She looked at him with frank curiosity and a sliver of hatred and shook her head. "You think you're here for her? Don't do this, Derek. Wake up."

She walked over to Meredith and put a hand on her shoulder. "Meredith."

She didn't look up.

"Meredith?"

No response.

"Meredith, I'll be back later to see Josh and take Erin to Izzie and Alex's. Are you sure you're all right?"

Her eyes fluttered shut. "I'll be fine."

Addison nodded. "Okay." His ex-wife shot him a glance that said, Don't hurt her. He wasn't planning to.

"Dr. Shepherd." Bailey stood in the doorway. "You have a surgery in five minutes."

Derek raised an eyebrow but cowered ever so slightly. "Since when are you Chief?"

"I'm not. It's a reminder. Be happy I'm reminding you, Dr. Shepherd." She walked away and turned around. "Grey, hang in there."

Meredith nodded again but didn't say anything.

He started to sit down in the chair next to her but she held up a hand to stop him. "No." She looked up. "You don't get to sit here. Not yet."

Erin looked up at him from Meredith's lap. "You're Dewek."

"Yes, I am." He smiled. She was adorable. "And you're Erin."

She nodded. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Erin?"

"Why is he hewe?"

Derek almost laughed but Meredith quirked an eyebrow at him and he just grinned.

"Well, Cupcake, he's here because he's a friend of mine. Remember Dr. Saunders?"

"Did Joshy bweak his horsy?"

Meredith let out a low whistle and lifted Erin into the chair next to her. "Remember, Er? It's his Mustang. A car."

"Oh. Musang." The little girl shrugged. "Dr. Mogan?"

"Morgan, sweetie. Call him Dr. Saunders. Morgan Saunders. He was Josh's doctor. But we wanted Josh to be with everyone up in Seattle, so he's here now. And Josh will have a new doctor here."

Erin nodded and yawned. "Mommy, they said in pweschool that I am a baby. Erin baby?" She yawned again and Meredith reached for one of the little girl's slick braids, slowly taking it in her hands and unraveling the dark blonde hair that was the same shade as her own. Erin curled up on the chair and Meredith lifted her back into her own lap. Erin's head rested against her shoulder and blonde curly hair was unbraided till it reached the little girl's collarbone.

"No, Erin, you're not a baby."

Erin smiled sleepily and looked up at Derek with one eye open. "Night-night, Dewek."

"Good-night, Erin." He smiled down at the little girl, who smiled back and fell asleep.

There were several minutes of silence and Derek stood there, somewhat unsure of why he remained, knowing that somewhere there was a reason why he lingered. Derek rocked back and forth on his feet until Meredith stood, Erin in her arms, and placed her next to a sleeping Josh.

"Her hair's always curly like that," Meredith said in an abrupt whisper as she sat down in her seat. "Josh's, too. I was hoping I wouldn't have a girl. Girls are too hard to protect from the world. But I love Erin – and Josh – so much. So much more than I thought I would."

There were a few more minutes of silence before Derek said the question that he thought he couldn't ask. "Did you think of giving them away?"

"Yes," she answered surely. "But I couldn't, once I saw them. There was no way I could give them up, even for...my career. For everything. No way," she repeated, as if to reassure herself that it hadn't been a mistake to keep her own children.

"Why didn't you want a girl?"

She looked up at him and stared him straight in the eye. He shivered.

"Because girls are hurt too easily."

Night had fallen outside Seattle Grace but it was still bright inside the hospital. Derek made his way into Josh's room, rubbing his eyes and squinting at the dimmed lights. Meredith was fast asleep; Erin curled up on the bed next to her brother, who was lying still on the bed. It wasn't a medically-related visit that he was here for; his shift was over and Derek had changed out of scrubs into his normal clothing.

He sat down next to Meredith, in the chair second-closest to the door. She hadn't stirred for a few hours and he didn't intend on moving her now. Her head was slumped to the side and as he sat down it moved ever so slightly so the crown of her head was resting on his shoulder. Derek smiled to himself. He had missed her. And he hadn't gone after her. How stupid was he, really?

He looked down into her face and saw that tears had dried to her pale cheeks. Dangerously, hesitantly, he reached down with the pad of his thumb and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. Almost immediately, her eyes flew open and, again, those powerful blue-green eyes gained control over his eyes, over his face, over his body, over his whole being.

"What are you doing here?" she mumbled, and he smiled at how cute she was when she was half-asleep.

"Checking up on you," he said. "You and Erin and Josh."

She seemed to be trying to smile, but it was too hard. Her mouth curved up but her eyes didn't smile in the least. Then he realized what was wrong: she was still crying. Again, he reached down and wiped the tears from her cheeks as they streaked down over the almost-white skin.

"Why are you crying?" he whispered, and glanced over at the twins; they were still asleep. He wiped a tear from a corner of her eye and her hand lifted, as if detached from herself. As if she wanted to bat away his hand. But she didn't raise it all the way.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, and was suddenly wide awake. "I told you I didn't want to do it anymore!"

"Mommy?" came a weak voice from the bed. Erin was sitting up, rubbing her eyes with her fists.

"Go back to sleep, Cupcake," Meredith called quietly. "Go back to sleep." Within seconds, Erin was back asleep, and they both breathed sighs of relief.

"I think you do want to try," said Derek. "I think you do."

"I don't know." She whispered loudly and harshly. "I don't know, Derek. I have four-year-old twins, one of whom is dying, a condo in L.A. and a house here, a life I don't know, and an ex-boyfriend who-"

But she had cut herself off.

He sat down. "Hey. I'm here."

And she started to cry. Silent tears, as if she didn't want him to know that she was crying. But he knew. After a while they became noisy, snuffling, full-blown tears, with the sobs and such. He wrapped both his arms around her and hugged her with all his might, only wanting to keep her close, only wanting to love her forever. That could never happen; fate had chanced them too many times and just enough for him to barely believe. But for now, he could love.

Eventually she fell asleep, breathing heavily on his shoulder. He reached down for the third time that night and wiped away her tears with his thumb and kissed the crown of her head, whispering, "I love you," into her dark blonde hair.

This time, she didn't wake up.