A/N: This chapter takes place the next evening after the last.


"The Erroneous Assumption Predicament"

Chapter 7 – Amy


In Apartment 4B

I want to go out as much as I want a root canal. Why did I let Penny convince me? It did sound like a good idea yesterday, but today… I just want to go home again and sleep… Today was a waste in the lab. No tumor. Not even a tiny one!

Ugh, this dress is too short! When I sit down, it rides up to my knees! Mother always said that only whores wear their dresses above the knee. It's probably why she never let me shave past them.

Maybe she was right, look at this thing! Is this Bernie's dress? It's the only excuse I can come up with why it's so short. Can this get any tighter? Now I know what a sausage feels like before going into casing.

At least the dress matches my yellow heels. It really is my color…

Why do I have to dress up anyway!? Why did I let Penny talk me into going out in this dress? I am wearing a cardigan, so she can just stifle it. I should have told her that when she handed me this shocking piece of clothing, but who can say no to that goddess?

I just want to go out and have a bit of fun, maybe even dance with a man who has arms or smoke cigars! I'll smoke them, not him, that's gross.

Nothing too cra-azy. Oh, forget the dancing. I only want one set of arms around me. Just one set, like Prom. I guess we did dance after all, huh?

Does that count? It will have to.

Anyhow, that is the only set of arms I'll ever need. I am always astounded by his surprising manly arms. I mean he's tall and all, so naturally his arms are long, but they also feel amazingly strong… Hmmm, I wish he would come and take me into his masculine- Well, that's not gonna happen…

All right, time to leave Penny's bedroom.

"Okay, I put on that dress, but…"

They are staring… Stop staring! Does it look that bad?

Oh dear they're rushing me, like I'm at a Garth Brooks concert. Don't crowd.

"Oh Amy, you look stunning! It fits like a dream!" Of course my Bestie would say that! It's the kind of dress she uses when she wants to sex up Leonard. Like she needs the help!

I don't think this is the right look for me. Not at all. "It's a little tight… I think it's too short… and no flowers? How will anyone know I am a girl?"

"Oh, they'll know. Believe me!" And now we have Bernie saying now men will know I am a girl? Now that I am showing some skin, I guess she thinks I can finally flaunt my sexuality. It was there all the time, sister, let me tell ya…

Crap, Penny is bringing over her make up case that looks like she bought it at Home Depot.

"Now, let's do up your make up a little like when you were Snow White! Hey, what was that snort for?"

"Oh, just allergies, Bestie."

Yes, Penny, I snorted! Like dressing up as a Disney character works at getting a man. Sheldon didn't even look at me, let alone give me one tiny little kiss when I did. I always thought that dressing up as a fictional character would get his 'motor' running… Well, I guess I was wrong… So instead of getting a kiss from my knight in shining armor, I fell asleep looking like a corpse in a casket and woke up with a blanket over me. He must have hated that my feet were in his spot.

But then, he did like the Nurse Chapel outfit… That one is gathering dust in my closet. Maybe I should brush the dust off some time… Now what am I thinking? I won't dress up in some absurd costume to awaken his nether regions from their deep slumber! It wouldn't even be me doing it, it would be once again a fictional character!

Jerk.

He would be furious if he would see me like this all gussied up… Maybe I should stop by to let him know what I am up to… Misbehaving Amy… Ignoring Doctor Cooper's 'rules of conduct'…

"Ouch!" Mascara hurts when it's jabbed in your eye! Ugh, this is ridiculous. I just want to have a drink and go home and sleep. I only slept for twelve hours last night. Not enough.

"Why do we have to do all this? We never did this before when we went out for Girls Night."

Great, now Bernie is combing out my hair. I hope she doesn't do it like hers. I'm not a doll.

"We tried to dress you up before, but you said Sheldon would hate it if he saw you. Now that you are on the outs with him, we can make you look forty years younger and take advantage of your new freedom!"

Who said anything about me and Sheldon being on the outs?! I didn't! Did he?!

Calm down, Amy. No of course not. He would have already sent you the termination of your Relationship Agreement.

Ah, right. Of course… Thank you, Amy.

You're welcome.

Ugh, I really have to make up my mind about my feelings… I also need to stop talking to myself… Then again, I am sleep deprived.

I am not ready to give up on my Sweet Baboo… We aren't on the outs. It's just a break, and I just need to think. I think I need to think. What was I thinking? I don't even know anymore, this dress is cutting off my blood supply to my cerebral cortex!

"Bernie means you look pretty. Now, trust me. Looking good will boast your confidence. I told the same to Shel… I mean…um it works! See! I'm happy!"

Yeah, put on the war paint that makes me sneeze and squeeze me into the hooker dress. I am fricking elated!

"But you've looked good your whole life, but you never looked happy till you were with Leonard?"

I remember how Penny was when he was with Priya. Not a good look for her.

"HOLD STILL or I might jab your eyes again Amy. On purpose this time!"

They don't get it. They never will. They didn't spend years being ignored for their looks. I had to grow my self-worth from another source. It is strong without all this falderal.

"Penny, listen… my confidence about my appearance is fine. I just need to have a boyfriend who actually notices it. OUCH THAT'S MY EYE!"

Ah, Bernadette is rolling her eyes. I wonder what part of what I said she finds so ludicrous. The part where I am fine with how I look or that I want a boyfriend who notices. Probably both.

"Amy, look, I know you have never gone out like this before, but just try this once. Just one night and get the feeling that you are desired by other men. Then you can…" Not this again. Bernie's saying I need to get another man.

Ah, there it is… that look! I was wondering when it would come up. The one that means, that I can't be desirable to men because of my appearance. What do they think? That I have to change everything there is about me, just to feel whole? NO WAY! I am whole. I whole lot of ticked off!

"Know what I have been missing for five years? I get it, Bernie. I know all too well. I don't need a tight dress or whorish makeup to tell me what I've been missing out. I don't want another man. I don't want someone else looking at me. That wouldn't make me feel better at all, because it STILL wouldn't be Sheldon looking at me! I just want to have fun with you guys. Can't we just go to the cigar bar? Just us, and have fun? That's all I need."

Finally they get it! Well, at least Penny puts away the 'Hooker Red Light District' lipstick color… Although, I don't understand her deep sighing.

"Okay Amy. You win."

Good! I need to get out of this 'dress' as quick as possi-

Uh oh… Bernie's face is getting red. That is never a good sign. Oh no, She's going to blow!

"Like Hell she wins! Get back in there Blondie, and don't skip on the blush! Amy, you are going out tonight, and have fun looking like a million bucks. Remember how happy you were when those guys bought us drinks at the Science conference? Well, think of this as your ticket to free Cranberry martinis!"

I remember that conference very well, including how Bernie said those awful things about my Cuddles! I don't want another man to buy me drinks! Only Sheldon! Well, he never buys me drinks. Or dinner. We always go Dutch, but still!

"Okay, but I can buy my own drin-"

Hey Bernie! I wasn't finished! How rude to cut me off with her finger on my 'Hooker Red' lips. "Shh! Penny needs this as much as you do! Now, suck in those cheeks, Amy."

I better do what she says. She is indeed a frightening person…


20 minutes later…

Okay, we got down the stairs at Los Robles without the guys seeing us! What a relief! Getting ready at Penny's was not the brightest of ideas, but hey, I guess we needed her armory of war paint and risqué dresses, didn't we?

Phew… we are all save in the car… driving to the club like a bunch of metropolitan party girls! This wasn't such a bad idea after all. No, this is great! I am supposed to be having fun. This will be fun! Fun!

Oh God, my feet already hurt. I am going to get plantar fasciitis for sure! I heard tight clothes causes yeast infections and I think this makeup is causing blindness. Yay… having so much fun…

(RING)

Whose phone is this? Bernie's? She isn't going to answer, is she?… Of course she is… At least she has hands free, right? Nope…

"What? Do you mean the washing machine exploded? Like a bomb?"

Oh Dear, what is going on? Do I even want to know? Something about the garage is filling up with water and whether Stuart should move the boxes of important papers.

"Look at the road, Bernadette!"

Dear Lord, we are going to die! I should have told Sheldon I loved him one more time before I prepare for death's sweet embrace.

Sheldon would have had a fit if he saw Bernie talking on the phone while driving! And rightfully so! Of course, he would have a fit if he knew I was going to a club with my gals to drink alcohol, but he isn't here! I know shouldn't, but I wish he was.

What does Bernie mean she has to go home!? At least she got off the phone. Boy that was a lot of profanity!

"Sorry ladies, you are on your own for a while tonight! Seems like Stuart and Howard, my engineer husband can't figure out how to turn off the water! No wonder his space toilet exploded!"

"WHO WILL BE OUR DESIGNATED DRIVER?!"

Ow! No need to scream, Penny! Of course she would worry she couldn't drink. That is what taxis are for, Bestie…

Although, it is a bit disappointing that Bernie has to leave. It's always fun with the three of us. On the other hand, maybe she can just drop me off at home and I can finally go to bed?

"You can just drop me off…"

"Oh no you don't! You two are going out! I will come get you later. It shouldn't take too long. Just have a few drinks and I will be right there."

Okay! Bernie is still pretty determined, so we better not cross her.

And here we already are… It will be fun!

Right?

Sure, Amy.


Next Chapter: Find out what Sheldon and Leonard are up to...