A/N: welcome back everybody!!! Here's another chapter for you guys. Let me know if the formatting is weird as it's being uploaded from my phone. And like always please tell me what you think and leave a review!!
TRIGGER WARNING: self harm.
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Rachel was huddled in one of the bathrooms on the far end of school that no one ever used. She was still covered in slushy and she was trying desperately to keep her panic attack at bay. But every time she closed her eyes she could feel him inside her. Touching her. Rachel felt her stomach churn and barely made it to the toilet in time before throwing up.
She was in the middle of puking when she felt someone carefully hold her hair up for her.
"You weren't at the front doors and I saw the slushy by your locker so I figured you'd be in here. Are you okay?" Quinn asked her.
Rachel responded with another heave before slowly picking her head up and leaning back against the stall. Quinn went to hand her a wet paper towel for her mouth but Rachel flinched away.
"Rachel, what's wrong?"
Rachel went to open her mouth to tell her that he was here. But his words echoed in her head. 'Tell anyone and you're dead.' So instead she took four big calming breaths like her therapist had taught her to do and tried to force her thoughts out of her head. She looked back at Quinn and attempted to smile.
"I didn't think you'd be joining the Cheerios again. Not after coach Sylvester kicked you off for being pregnant."
Quinn's face hardened. "Yea, well I'm not pregnant anymore. Why don't you change out of the slushy clothes."
It was then that Rachel realized she didn't have any clothes to change into. It was the first day of school. She hadn't started bringing clothes yet to keep in her locker.
"I think I'm just going to go home. I didn't bring any clothes."
"Rachel, you can't go home. It's the first day. I have shorts and a shirt in my locker you can wear."
Rachel shook her head furiously. She was not going to wear shorts.
"Okay," Quinn sighed out. "I might have some leggings. Stay here."
So Rachel sunk back against the stall and waited for her Quinn to bring her clothes. Praying this would all just go away.
ooo
Shelby was setting her things down in her office when her phone started ringing. She scrunched her eyebrows when she didn't recognize the number.
"Hello?"
"Shelby. Uhm, it's Quinn."
Shelby sat down in her chair and raised an eyebrow. This couldn't be good. "Hi, what's up? I don't have a lot of time I just got to work."
"I know, it's Rachel. She, uhm. Something was spilled on her today. I went to the bathroom to find her afterwards and she was puking. A lot. And she flinched when I went to hand her a paper towel. She wanted to go home but I told her to stay. I just, I thought you should know."
Shelby sighed and shut her eyes in frustration. It was like one step forward and five steps back.
"Thanks Quinn. I'll talk to her."
She didn't wait for Quinn to respond , choosing to quickly hang up and punch in Rachel's number. She slammed her phone down in frustration when it went to voicemail.
It was one of those moments where Shelby felt like a terrible mom. She didn't know if she should pull Rachel out of school, or tell her to try and stick it out. She knew she should call her therapist and set up an extra appointment, but didn't want Rachel to think she was trying to run her life.
Shelby felt clueless.
ooo
Rachel went through the rest of the day in a haze. Her body was constantly tense, and she was constantly darting her eyes in every direction, making sure no one got too close to her. She felt like she was being watched, and it made her stomach churn. She had thrown up two more times since this morning and she couldn't keep her hands from shaking. Shelby had called her three times, but she couldn't pick up, she was too afraid she'd spill everything. She was going to skip glee, but as she walked towards the doors to the front of the building, Quinn seemed to appear out of nowhere, gently grabbing her arm and directing her towards the choir room.
"Come on, Rach. You love glee."
Used to love glee would be a better way to put it. The last thing Rachel wanted to do right now was sing.
They walked into the noisy choir room and the chatter immediately stopped. Rachel watched as everyone took her in. She knew she didn't look good. She had lost a lot of weight, and Quinn's too big clothes were only making it worse. And while she was getting more sleep than before, she still wasn't getting a lot. To put it simply, Rachel looked like shit.
Kurt was the first to break the silence. "It's good to have you back, Rachel."
"We missed you this summer, we went to a karaoke bar and it just wasn't the same without you!" Mercedes quickly added in.
Everyone else started slowly adding in things she had missed over the summer and how they had missed her presence. Rachel could feel weight being lifted off of her shoulders as no one once asked about the attack or anything related to it. They all talked as if they were just catching up.
Rachel looked at Quinn and gave her a soft smile and tried not to think about what happened this morning. She could think about that at home.
Maybe she could do this.
ooo
Rachel walked out of glee feeling lighter. Everyone seemed to genuinely miss her, and no one once mentioned the party or the events that transpired. Even Mr. Shue seemed genuinely happy to see Rachel.
The lightness Rachel was feeling quickly dissolved when she saw there was a note stuck underneath her windshield wiper. She quickly grabbed it, feeling tears sting her eyes as she read the messy chicken scratch. There were only three words, but those three words were enough to make her heart pound.
I'm watching you.
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Shelby walked in the front door around six that night and sighed when she heard the shower running. She had been trying to get ahold of Rachel all day and wanted to talk to her. But that would have to wait. She walked towards the kitchen to start dinner and sighed again when she saw Rachel's book bag was tossed lazily next to the kitchen table, it's contents spilling onto the floor. So this is what it was like to have a teenager.
Shelby rolled her eyes and bent over to stick the papers back in Rachel's bookbag when a bag of dirty clothes covered in some sort of sticky substance caught her eye. She grabbed it, moving it to the side so she could wash it later, when a piece of notebook paper caught to the bag caught her eye. She grabbed it and hesitated. Shelby wasn't a snoop, but it wasn't really snooping if she didn't go looking for it. Shelby opened it and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. What the hell was this?
She grabbed the bag of dirty clothes and chucked it towards the laundry room, she could ask Rachel about those later. She made her way up the stairs towards Rachel's room, and sat on the bed, waiting for her daughter to get out of the shower.
Rachel emerged a few minutes later and jumped when she saw Shelby sitting on her bed.
"You scared me. I didn't think you'd be home yet."
Shelby could tell by her eyes that she had been crying and she softened a little.
"I cut my practice short. I tried getting ahold of you all day Rachel and you ignored all my calls. I was worried about you."
Rachel cast her eyes down and mumbled out something that sounded like a sorry.
Shelby held up the scrap paper and waited for Rachel to look up, her eyes widening when she finally did.
"Care to explain what this is?"
Rachel hesitated for a moment, opening and closing her mouth.
"It was probably just some jerk who heard what happened to me and thought it would be funny to play a prank on me. Honestly mom it's nothing." Rachel rushed out.
Shelby stood up and walked towards her daughter. "This is not okay, Rachel! Someone saying they're watching you? I don't care if it's a prank or not, I'm turning it into the police. I'm not taking this lightly."
Rachel quickly backed away from Shelby. "You can't give it to the police!!" She shrieked out. "It was just a stupid prank and I don't need to give kids another reason to pick on me! Why were you in my bag anyways!" Rachel screamed, working herself up.
Shelby stepped towards her daughter to set her in her place but something caught her eye. "Rachel, you're bleeding."
Rachel looked down and Shelby saw her eyes widen. "I must have cut myself shaving."
Shelby looked again and saw the blood was coming from well above where the towel stopped. "That high up?" Shelby asked. Rachel shrugged and that's when it dawned on Shelby.
"Rachel. Take the towel off." Shelby said. Eerily calm.
Rachel's eyes widened and her face went pale. "Mom, no! I'm naked. I'm not taking this off." She said, backing away from Shelby.
Shelby didn't care. She reached forward and lifted the towel up just enough to keep Rachel covered, but to see for herself what she already knew was there. Bright red, angry cuts covered Rachel's inner thighs. Some of them old and scabbed, others looked brand new.
"Rachel, honey" Shelby breathed out.
Rachel yanked the towel back down, covering herself back up. "Go away." She said harshly
Shelby attempted to pull Rachel into her but the girl shrugged her off. "Fine. Get dressed and then come downstairs. We need to talk about this Rachel. And bring down your razors please."
"You're grounding me from my razors?" Rachel asked her dumbfoundedly. "I'm not grounding you from anything Rachel. Now I know I'm not mother of the year, but I'm certainly not going to leave you unsupervised with razors while you've been cutting yourself!" Shelby shot back, trying to keep the tears out of her voice.
Shelby watched as something in Rachel snapped as she grabbed the forgotten note off the bed. "You're right. You're not mother of the year! This is all your fault! You want to know why I walked outside that night? Because Puck told me you tried to adopt Beth. So I went outside to try and wrap my head around the fact that I wasn't fucking good enough for you. But little miss popular's baby was! I was out there because of you. None of this would have never happened if it weren't for you!" Rachel screamed through tears. Never once breaking eye contact.
Shelby sat in shock and she could feel the ache in her heart at her daughters words. But she wouldn't let Rachel affect her like this. So she walked past Rachel into her bathroom, grabbed the razors in the shower, and walked out the bedroom door without saying a word.
She waited until she was in the safety of her own room to let the first sob escape her lips.
ooo
Rachel screamed out in frustration as Shelby walked out of the room. She was so angry and so scared. She pushed down on one of her newer cuts, relaxing at the relief it brought her and climbed into bed, not even bothering to change out of her towel.
Rachel woke up a few hours later with a pounding head aching and an aching leg. She glanced at her clock and saw it was only a little after eight. She got up pulled on a big T-shirt and a pair of underwear and slowly made her way to Shelby's room.
Shelby was laying in her bed, but she wasn't asleep. Rachel could just make out her red puffy eyes from the glow of the television that was playing softly. "Mom?" Shelby glanced up and gave her a sad smile before reaching over and throwing back the other side of the comforter for Rachel. She happily walked over and slipped in, waiting for Shelby to open her arms for her. But she didn't.
"Rachel. I am so sorry." Shelby said, her voice cracking. "You're completely right. This is my fault, I could have prevented this thing but I'm so selfish and I hurt you, and I got you hurt and god now you're hurting yourself." Shelby started crying. She threw her hands over her eyes and sobbed loudly. "I love you so much. I just wish I could take everything back. I wish I could take the pain away."
Rachel instantly regretted the words she had yelled at Shelby in anger. She moved closer to Shelby before laying down on top of her, wrapping her frail arms around her mother. "I didn't mean what I said, mom. I was so angry and just wanted someone to blame. I'm so sorry." Rachel sniffed. Her mom responded by squeezing her tighter and rubbing her back.
"I think maybe the Beth thing is something we should bring up in our joint therapy appointments. I think it's something that needs to be talked about. But I need you to know Rachel. I love you so much. You are more than enough for me. I was never trying to replace you." Rachel nodded against Shelby's chest. "Okay."
She felt Shelby take a big breath and sit her up. "We also will be going to your therapist tomorrow so we can tell her about what you've been doing. Hurting yourself isn't the answer Rachel. You can always come to me with how you're feeling and I will never question you, but that is not a healthy outlet. Do you understand?"
Rachel nodded again. "I'm sorry"
"You don't have to be sorry, baby. But for the time being, I want an open door policy, and you won't be staying home by yourself anymore. Just for now."
Rachel didn't say anything, choosing instead to clutch to the hem of Shelby's shirt and cuddle deeper into her. She tensed when she felt Shelby sit up and pull up her t-shirt a little bit to look at her leg.
She watched as her mother carefully looked over each leg, gently running a hand over some of the cuts before carefully putting her t-shirt back into place and standing up abruptly.
"I'm going to go get some antibacterial cream for those, I'll be right back!" Shelby said, suddenly cheerful.
Rachel flopped back down on the pillows and closed her eyes. At least her mom forgot about the note.
ooo
Shelby barely made it into the bathroom before her tears started coming. And once they started, she couldn't stop. Her baby was hurting herself. And from the looks of it, had been doing so awhile. And she had no idea. She was such a terrible mother that she had no clue that her own flesh and blood was hurting so badly, that she was deliberately hurting herself. She was so in over her head.
Shelby tried to find the ointment for Rachel through her tears but her mind wouldn't stop going. She already knew she was calling Rachel out of school for at least the next two days, which meant that Shelby would also have to call out. She had to call Rachel's therapist, she had to call Rachel's school to set up a meeting about the note that was in Rachel's bookbag, and she had to call officer Cohen to see if the note was even worth worrying about.
God she had so much to do but all she wanted to do was scream.
She jumped when she heard her phone ringing on the counter and quickly went to ignore it, before she saw whose name was flashing across the caller ID.
"Shelbs! I'm so sorry! Alex and I were in Italy for the summer! I told you before I left I wasn't going to be able to answer my phone! But I had like a million missed calls from you! What's up? How've you been?"
Shelby immediately burst into tears at the sound of her younger sisters voice.
"Cara. I need you."
