Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(
Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."
She didn't know why she had thought it would be so easy.
She had known, coming out of that assembly, that what she had done was terrible and horrible and everything about it was wrong. She had known that it was going to be an impossibly long road to fixing everything she had broken- namely Quinn. She had known that she couldn't expect forgiveness overnight, and that she was going to have to wait a very, very long time before things started to have any semblance of normality, and she thought that she had been ok with that.
The knowledge that she had done something unforgivable to Quinn had been shoved to a distant corner of the brain the moment she saw the blonde on the bathroom floor and rushed to help her.
Her quiet acceptance of the fact that she and Quinn both were going to take a long time to get better had flown out the window the moment the softly spoken question of "Hold me?" had slipped through full lips.
And everything she had promised herself she would do, from distancing herself from the blonde to seeking immediate help for what she now realized was a real and honest problem? Well, that had disappeared as though it had never been the second Quinn had snuggled up to her, letting herself sink into the embrace as she fell asleep.
Rachel knew that she probably should have forced herself to remember all of the things she had gone over in her head on the way to Quinn's. She probably shouldn't even have gone to Quinn's in the first place, lest she exacerbate the situation further, and she knew for a fact that she most certainly shouldn't have held the blonde so gently, listening to the sound of her steady heartbeat.
All of the things that she should have done, however, hadn't happened. She had forgotten, she had gone to Quinn's without a second thought, and she had held the girl to her as though there wasn't anything in the universe more fragile or precious than the sleeping blonde.
The problem with forgetting and seeing and holding, though, was that it made it all too easy for her to slip into a fantasy world. It became easy to convince herself that all of the terrible things she had done were nothing more than a figment of her imagination. It became too simple to lose herself in the soft waves of blonde hair spread across the pillow, and the way Quinn had a gentle hold on the hem of her shirt.
Fantasy was fine and dandy while Quinn was sleeping peacefully, but then when the blonde had stirred and moaned, Rachel had been brought crashing back to reality. She had felt sick as she realized that Quinn was probably having a nightmare, about her. She had held the blonde a little bit tighter, stroking her back and whispering to her over and over that everything would be fine.
The morning light had seemed suddenly harsh, throwing into perfect relief every different tone in Quinn's normally flawless skin, and Rachel had bit back a sob. She had been unable to stop the stream of words pouring from her mouth as she felt the blonde relax into her again, and she had fought her way through her muddled thoughts aloud.
She knew that it would be better if she could say everything while Quinn was awake, but she wasn't sure she could take the look in the blonde's eyes. She knew that Quinn loved her, and would be too eager to forgive. The blonde thought, in some twisted way, that she deserved all of the pain, and Rachel knew that absolutely wasn't true.
Getting Quinn to see that she hadn't deserved any of it would be difficult, and Rachel knew that once she did, there was a high likelihood that Quinn would never want to see her again. The thought of the blonde hating her made her heart clench painfully, and she wished for the billionth time she had never hurt Quinn in the first place. The pain of being alone would be worth it, though, if she could just give Quinn back some semblance of her old life, her old self. That fire- it would be worth all the lonely nights in the world if she could give it back to Quinn, and she just had to figure out how to do it.
When Quinn had suddenly been awake, then, Rachel had been faced with a choice: she could run like she always did, or she could stay and face Quinn, and maybe help start them both on the right path for once. It hadn't taken more than a second for her to make the choice to stay, but once she did, she had been suddenly terrified of what Quinn was going to say. As the blonde had pulled away from her, she had felt a pang in her chest as she realized this could be the beginning of the end, and she had tried to steel her mental resolve. When that one word had slipped from Quinn's mouth, though, she had felt all of her self control and resolve slip away in an instant.
Why?
She had wrestled with that question before, and had come up with a variety of attempts at justification. She knew they were pathetic and nowhere near a good enough answer for Quinn, but she also knew that she owed it to the other girl to at least try and explain her motivations.
Slowly, painfully, she had tried to give Quinn an answer. She had been hurt. She had been full of resentment. She had been angry at the power the blonde had over her for so long. She had been scared of letting her defenses down. Lashing out had been easier than actually feeling something. Her anger and hate had transformed into worry, and the only way she knew how to try and fix everything was to keep going.
All of the excuses ran together, and she knew that some of them probably didn't even make sense. Some of them seemed so completely foolish and naïve and terrible in retrospect, but they had been driving her at the time, and she was determined to give Quinn the complete picture.
When she had gone through every reason she had ever come up with for hurting Quinn, she paused and then started to explain why she had left school and what had happened. She knew she was talking a bit fast, but Quinn was just watching her, not saying anything, and she didn't want to let silence fill the air. Eventually, though, she ran out of things to say. She had said her piece, and now she just had to wait and see what happened.
When Quinn had remained silent, just watching her, for a few minutes, Rachel had tentatively asked, "Quinn?"
The blonde had started a bit, and then sighed. "It's just…it's a lot to take in, Rach," she murmured. Rachel nodded vigorously, and that was when she had made a mistake. In her rush to try and reassure Quinn that it was ok to take her time, that she would wait, that things were going to be different now, she had forgotten herself. She had forgotten the extent to which she had harmed the other girl, and that, no matter, how calm she appeared, under the exterior Quinn might still be afraid.
Her mistake had been a simple one, easy to make, but it had been more than enough. She had reached out a hand to grab Quinn's, but her movement was too fast, and all Quinn saw was a hand coming towards her, and in that split second instinct took over. Before Rachel was even fully aware of what had happened, Quinn was on the ground, huddled in a ball in the corner of the room, her whole body shaking.
Realizing what had happened, and what she had inadvertently done, Rachel had struggled to find her voice. When she was finally able to squeak Quinn's name out, the blonde had flinched away from the sound of her voice. The sight had torn Rachel to pieces inside, and she had racked her brain for a way to reassure Quinn that she wasn't going to hurt her.
Eventually, though, Quinn had stopped shaking on her own, and had slowly stood. Her voice was quiet as she said, "Can you leave?"
Rachel had opened her mouth to protest, but had stopped herself. If this was what Quinn wanted, then she would give it to her. There was no way in hell she was ever going to force the blonde to do anything ever again, and if she needed to be alone, then she would leave.
She had moved slowly, trying not to startle Quinn again, and paused as she stepped through the door. "Call me if you need anything. I know that you have absolutely no reason to believe that I've changed, but please. If there's anything…I'll be here. No matter what time it is, or for what. Just…know that, however ironic and awful it might be, I want to be here for you."
She had left quietly, not letting the door slam as she left the house, before going and sitting in her car. The second the door was closed, she had felt the start of the tears she had been forcing back, and she let them fall.
She had known what she needed to do. She had known how badly she had hurt Quinn, and she had known not to expect any sort of forgiveness. Somewhere between the previous night and the present, however, she had managed to forget everything she knew to be true, and she had gotten her hopes up.
Wiping her tears angrily, she started the car and began driving home. Once upon a time, Rachel Berry had known so much. She had known exactly what she was going to do to get on Broadway, she had known who she was, and more recently, she had known what she had to do to start fixing things with Quinn. Once upon a time, Rachel Berry had known everything.
Until she didn't.
