Thank you all for the reviews so far on this story! It helps so much to give me inspiration and figure out where I'm taking it. Enjoy the next chapter!
The muffled sound of voices bounced through his throbbing head as Jay fought his way to consciousness. Rolled roughly around the tangled sheets of the bed before slowly letting his eyes fall open. Soft light from the setting sun of the open curtain made him wince as the pounding intensified in his head and his feet swung to the floor beneath him. Each footstep made the voices slightly more recognizable as Jay reached the handle of the bedroom door. Swung it open in one quick movement to reveal a small case of déjà vu at the sight of Erin and Will once again perched around the built-in island muttering quietly between one another.
His presence went unnoticed as he took small steps forward, rubbing a tired hand against his temple to calm the thump reverberating through his skull. The sound of voices filled the large room, ringing through his mind, as he moped across the floor.
"-it's not enough, Erin! Yeah, he's here. But now what? What happens next? What do we do next? We can't keep playing babysitter and taking shifts on him like he's a child." The words were harsh as Will paced around the small space in the kitchen. His eyes never leaving hers in an intensive stare-off as his voice grew louder with each question.
Erin sighed, dropping her head toward the countertop as her fingers softly drummed against the surface. "I don't know, Will. But at least he's here."
"That's not good enough!" The volume of his voice made her jump as she looked back up at him. Watched as he stopped in his tracks and rolled his eyes at her.
"It's been three days, Erin. Three days and I don't know about you, but all he does when I'm here is lock himself in a room. That might make him stay, but that isn't going to make him get any better."
Nodding, she plopped down at the barstool, letting out a large sigh before her head fell to her hands. "I know. So, what we're going to do is-"
"Will." Jay grumbled, nodding toward his brother as his sleep-filled voice echoed through the tension of the room.
All eyes shifted toward him before Jay took a final step into the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow in greeting to Erin before pulling out the barstool closest to the wall, leaving an empty one between the two of them. He rested his elbows against the granite counter and took in a slow, shaky breath- only adding to the constant thudding in his head. Dropping his head into his hands, he ran them cautiously through his hair.
"You do have your own apartment, you know. I'm sure Nat and Owen are pretty pissed you're spending all of your time here lately." His voice was low, but filled with sarcasm as he rubbed his fingers over his temple roughly and glared up at his brother.
Will let out a soft chuckle, turning in one quick motion to open the fridge. He let his eyes skim the contents before grabbing a bottle of water and sliding it across the counter toward Jay. "Yeah. But you need me right now, so this is where I'm going to be."
Jay grunted in response. Lifting his gaze as he watched Will's eyes skim over his features before he reached over and grabbed the bottle of water. Taking a long gulp, he let the cold water slowly trail down his throat as his mind wandered.
"So…" he mumbled, eyes traveling between Erin and Will carefully. "What do we do next? What happens next?" The words were mocking, no sincerity to them as his smirk met Will's unamused stare.
"What we do-" Erin started, her voice hard as she reached her hand forward. Placed it gently on top of Jay's as she curled her fingers gently around his. His whole body tensed at her touch as his eyes shifted to focus on their hands. "-what we do is we focus on moving forward."
Nodding, he let his body relax slightly as a large breath left his lips. Wary eyes meeting hers as the corner of her mouth pulled into a small smile.
"Okay." The single word came out in a whisper, so soft Will almost missed it from his spot only a few feet away.
Clapping his hands together, Will took a step closer to the pair in front of him, placing his hands down firmly on the countertop. "So it's settled! You start therapy with Dr. Charles on Monday."
Jay shook his head quickly, sweeping his hand from beneath Erin's in one solid movement. "No," he responded as a bitter laugh escaped his lips, "No, no, no. I didn't agree to that."
Will smirked in reply, moving his hands to rest on his hips as he glared over at his brother. "You didn't have to agree to it. I set it up for you, all you have to do is show up."
Rising from his seat, the stool skidded roughly across the ground as Jay let out a large groan, swinging his hands up in frustration as he took a step away from the kitchen. He started moving back toward the bedroom before turning around once again. Cold eyes meeting Will's hard stare. "That's not happening, Will."
Will narrowed his eyes as he took a large step forward. "Two options, Jay." he said through gritted teeth, "Get your shit together at home, or you can go back to the hospital and do it there. I'm not just going to let you sit on your ass drowning in self-pity for the rest of your life! I thought you made your choice, but if you want to go back, I have no problem taking you there-"
"Fuck you, Will." Jay spat out.
Turning once again, he took another step toward the bedroom before a soft hand wrapped around his wrist. Warm fingertips brushing against his clammy skin in a comforting and familiar way that instantly stilled his movements as his head swung back around. Eyes locked with her pleading face as his chest rose timidly.
"Jay." The single word left her lips in a whisper. It floated between the two of them as his body shifted to face hers and his eyes softened.
"Go see Dr. Charles." She pleaded.
Instantly, he shook his head as his shoulders dropped and brows scrunched together in disappointment. In betrayal, at the fact that she was once again taking Will's side over his and claiming it was for his own good. "Erin-"
"Go see Dr. Charles." She repeated firmly, eyes locked on his as her fingers lightly danced around the exposed skin of his wrist. "Please. I promise you it will help- just one session. If you hate it, we will try something else. But I need you here, Jay. I really need you to get better. Please."
The words sunk into his mind. Danced around his head as her eyes pleaded with his. She was not one openly share her feelings- and she had been doing a lot of that lately. All because of the fact that he was unable to even try to find the shattered pieces of himself. Let alone attempt to piece them back together.
As he thought about her request, he thought about what sessions with Dr. Charles would be like- what session with a psychiatrist would be like. Prodding and probing for the most delicate information in his life. The most intricate details and his most private thoughts. Could he handle that? Did he even want to try?
And then his eyes landed on her face once again. The tired, dark purple bags under her eyes. The same ones that had been there the since she had come looking for him in the bar that night. The red rim around her eyes and glaze hazing over the warm hazel he was so used to seeing. She looked exhausted, worn to her core as every move she had made over the past few weeks- the past two months- had been to try to keep him grounded. And he had pushed her attempts away at every chance. Every time she reached out, he retreated further and further away from her.
Swallowing, he took in a shaky breath. Nodded as he watched her bleak expression skim over his features, searching him for some assurance. He let his eyes fall closed for a moment before softly speaking into the space between them, "I'll go."
Her eyes met his, and he gave another solid nod. A ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he watched the hope fill her eyes. "I'll go see Dr. Charles."
Erin sighed as relief washed over her body- her gaze locked on his, silently thanking him for finally making a step forward. Giving a reassuring squeeze to his hand, she dropped her hold on his arm. Ran a slow hand through her hair as Will stepped forward. Gripping onto his brother's shoulder, Will gave them a nod of support before letting them know he needed to head to Med, and to call if they needed anything. Jay watched as Erin walked Will out, thanking him for helping out the past few weeks. Silently, she moved into the kitchen, her feet dragging beneath her. Eyes locked on cabinets as she got to work cleaning up the small space. Washing dishes and cleaning pans to keep her mind from wandering further into the conversation- to keep herself from pushing too far too quickly.
"Erin-"
"I hated sessions at first, you know." She reminded him as she began mindlessly scrubbing at a plate. "I thought they were pointless and seeing Dr. Charles wasn't going to help me. It wouldn't bring Nadia back anyways. It wouldn't change what happened with her."
Bringing up Nadia still wasn't something Erin did frequently, and it caught Jay off guard as he watched her. "I know."
She stilled, setting the plate down roughly before turning to meet his gaze, "I guess what I'm getting at is, he really helped. He still does. So don't go in there just because you think it's what I want from you. Or because you think it will make me happy. Really do it for you."
Sighing, Jay nodded. "Okay."
"And if you go, and it honestly doesn't help you, then we can try something different. But you need to actually talk to someone, Jay. At this point I don't care who it is, but I've tried, so has Will-"
"Okay, Erin!" he said, annoyance filling his voice. "I'll go to sessions, it's really not that big of a big deal."
Erin scoffed. "It actually is a big deal. You can't keep avoiding it!" Inhaling sharply, she took quick steps forward, meeting him at the entrance to the kitchen. "Look, I know I wasn't there that night. So maybe that's why you can't talk about it with me. But maybe it isn't such a bad idea if you try to talk to Ruzek."
"Erin…" He warned, voice low.
"He was asking how you were the other day," she pressed, taking another step forward as her eyes met his. "He's worried about you, Jay. Maybe…maybe you should actually try talking to him."
Jay crossed his arms defiantly and a loud grunt left his lips as he spoke through gritted teeth. "I don't need to talk to Ruzek. I'm fine, Erin. I'll go see Dr. Charles, just leave it at that."
"Okay," she nodded uneasily, "But I don't think it would hurt you either. He doesn't have anyone to talk to either. Just- just try to remember you're not alone in this."
Laughing bitterly, his eyes widened as he tried to process her words. Sure, Ruzek may have been there that night. But that only reminded him that he couldn't save him either. If the ambulance had been one minute later, another person would have died because of him.
Feeling the tightening in his chest, Jay took in a deep breath. Memories invading his vision as the sounds of bullets ricocheted through his skull. His breaths became shallow as the memories of that night became more vivid, the sounds of screaming echoing around his mind. He needed to get out. Crossing the room in one quick motion, Jay grabbed his coat off the back of the couch, shoveling it on before storming toward the door.
"Jay? Jay!?"
A brittle chuckle escaped his lips as anger rose from within, billowed out as his chest tightened further before he swung around to face her. "I keep asking you not to talk about it. To let it go and move on! But you won't. How am I supposed to move past this if every conversation we have leads me right back to that night, Erin?"
Panic filled her as she listened to the anger rise at each word that left his lips. Watched as his face paled and eyes darkened. "Jay-"
"NO. No, I don't want to talk about Ruzek, I don't want to go see him. This isn't the same for him and you know it." He screamed, eyes hard as he took another step toward the door. Gripped the handle roughly before meeting her glossy eyes once again. "I'll go see Dr. Charles like you want me to. Like you've asked me to, if you'll just leave me the fuck alone. I'm done talking about it with you. I'm done!"
Taking another step toward him, Erin swallowed roughly. Willing the tears in as she tried to keep her voice steady. Tried to stay calm as the knot in her chest tightened and her heart pounded quickly, echoing through her mind. "Where are you going?"
He whipped around, a hollow laugh leaving his lips as his cold eyes met hers. "I don't know, Erin! A walk? I didn't realize I was being held prisoner in my own damn house!"
"Wait, please just-"
"Stop! Maybe- maybe this wasn't a good idea." He exhaled roughly, running a hand through his hair before turning back toward the door. "I- I just...I need some time to think. I need some air."
I need some air. Memories flashed through her, surged into her conciseness as those familiar words mocked her. The same words he had spoken on a night that she'd rather forget, a night she'd rather pretend never existed. Air had turned into worry and worry had turned to panic. Turned to her pacing their apartment for hours, phone constantly redialing his number- only to be disconnected after the first ring. No voicemail, no promising words, no Jay.
I need some air. Those words taunted her as hard sobs shook through her night after night. Left broken pieces of her fighting, struggling to find the lost remnants of her fiancé as she searched and pleaded with him to come home for weeks.
Taking in a shallow breath, her heart pounded and mind raced as she watched Jay take a final step forward. Watched as he unlocked the deadbolt of the apartment door.
"Jay-"
He paused, fingers curling around the doorknob as she blurted out, "I'm pregnant!" Her eyes widened as her jaw dropped at the realization of what she had just said.
The air felt thick and dry as Jay's body turned rigid, his fingers stilling against the doorknob. The words hung in the air between them, swirling around- filling his lungs as he took in a large, shaky breath. Body rising and falling unevenly as his hand fell limply to his side.
And slowly, he turned. Wide, glossy eyes meting her terrified expression. "What?" The word was just above a whisper, choked out as he attempted to swallow the lump forming in his throat.
Her eyes fell shut, inhaling sharply as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. Swallowed through her dry throat as her gaze met his once again.
"I'm pregnant." She repeated the words fearfully, taking a small step toward him as her eyes pleaded.
"So if you can't stay for you- if you can't do this for you- I need you to do it for me. For us. Please, Jay." Her hand unintentionally fell to rest on the small swell of her abdomen, reassuring herself that this was what needed to be done.
A shaky breath left his lips as Jay shook his head in shock. Eyes wide as comprehension and panic set in. "You- you're pregnant?"
Nodding, Erin took another step forward, inching herself closer to him. Chest tight as a quiet sob escaped her lips and tears fell down her face. Cascading down as a surge of emotions rushed through her. Anger toward her fiancé for making her go through this alone for weeks. Fear that she had just pushed him too far- that this would be something that he was in no way capable of handling right now, and in no way would he want to. Relief that the person who had her entire heart finally knew that they had forever created something together- someone with his piercing eyes and freckled nose. Hope that maybe there was some possibility that, with some time, she would see that glint in eye when realization hit that they were starting the family he was always so optimistic about.
Taking another step forward, Erin stood chest- to- chest against him. Feeling the sharp breath radiate off his chest as it bounced against her own. She tilted her chin up, hesitant gaze meeting Jay's glossy eyes. Watched as his eyebrows knitted and he bit helplessly at the soft skin of his upper lip before a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"Please, Jay. Please stay."
And with that, she inched herself farther forward. Uncontrollable sobs shaking through her body as she held onto hope. As she wrapped her arms tightly around his body and buried her face in the familiarity of his chest. The overpowering scent of him surging into her airwaves as tears pooled endlessly down her face.
"I need you here. I know this is a lot, but I just thought you should know. I- I just thought you might be happy about this." Her voice was soft as she mumbled against the dark cotton of his shirt. Words barley audible over the sound of his own heartbeat and her muffled sobs. "This is our family. Please stay."
His body stiffened at her touch as wide, glossy eyes stared down at her frame. Tears of his own breaking free- falling hastily down his cheeks as he breathed in her familiar scent. Body shaking as he nodded against her. "Okay."
And then his arms wrapped tightly around her as her sobs intensified at the feel of his touch. At the feel of his reassurance. At the feel of Jay. "It's okay, Erin." he spoke against her hair as tears rolled down his face. "I'm not going anywhere."
Pulling back slightly, Jay lightly brushed the tears from Erin's cheek. Fingers softly trailing her skin before he gently guided her face to look up toward him. Silent tears fell down her face as her glossy eyes met his. A small smile formed on his lips as he nodded once again. "I'm not going anywhere." he repeated firmly, wrapping his arms around her small frame as she clutched onto him.
A/N: Here we are- finally making a little progress with Jay. I'll be focussing more on the events of what happened to get him to the point he was at when the story started as he works on getting through everything. Let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)
