I didn't feel like searching for a surrogate mother. All I could think about was my baby and I wanted to have it in my arms without involving a stranger in the process. Paying someone the rent for her womb didn't sound appealing either. If it was in any way possible I would carry the baby myself.
I had to do all those uncomfortable tasks and I had no time to waste. I only had one chance, but I felt it's going to work.
Besides, I wasn't doing it alone. Scully was by my side, answering all my questions about the medical process, and interviewing potential surrogate mothers. I was amazed by her ability to ask all the right questions, those that I would never come up with by myself. As always, Scully proved to be priceless and irreplaceable.
Emily stayed with me, too. I often felt her presence, her light touch and shy smile.
"Your mommy doesn't want to do it," I told her: "Could you still come to me through somebody else?"
She just smiled and hugged me with her presence. Maybe I was going crazy, but I wanted to believe that this child could really be reborn, this time as my daughter. That way, she would still be a part of my partner, even if Scully didn't want to be the one to bring her into this world.
I didn't want a child with a stranger. I wanted a child with my best friend. What if there were more kids like Emily? What if more of Scully's ova were used? What if they weren't? What if I could find them, would Scully let me use them?
Does it actually matter? I couldn't ask her again, see her hurt like that again. I couldn't tell her that she was the only one. I had to try with somebody else.
"But Mulder, her mother died of breast cancer," Scully protested on the woman I wanted to choose: "What if you have a daughter and she inherits those genes?"
"Don't you think she's a bit old," she commented on the second choice, continuing with explaining the potential risks of getting pregnant at her age.
"Mulder, I'm not a racist, but since you're going to be a single father you might want your child to share your skin color at least!"
"She's nice, Mulder, but that nose…"
"I don't trust her Mulder."
"You've got to be kidding me Mulder!"
"Mulder, we are looking for a surrogate mother, not a sumo wrestler!"
"She looks anorexic, Mulder, she can't possibly be able to conceive!"
"Red hair? Seriously Mulder? I don't want people to think I had anything to do with this!"
"Mulder, she has so much facial hair that she would be better with a razor than a baby. Do your kid a favor and keep looking!"
"She's perfect Mulder, a bit too perfect, if you know what I mean."
After a while I realized that no woman will ever be good enough for Scully. No woman was good enough for me either, but that's because they were not her. I doubted Scully went with that same reasoning, since she had her chance and decided to pass it. It felt like she didn't want me to have a baby at all, and I didn't understand why.
So I made my final decision without her.
"Samantha?!" Scully yelled at me when I told her: "I know why you chose her and I have to say it's more than a little disturbing, on several levels!"
"My sister is dead, Scully," I answered angrily: "This has nothing to do with her! And she would be much older than this woman is. There's no way it could be my sister! The name is just a coincidence."
"Damn it, Mulder, it's just wrong!"
"Well, making a baby like this feels wrong, too, but I don't have a choice, Scully! There is a reason why people usually fall in love and have sex before reproducing. If everybody had to go through interviews and weighing pros and cons, human race would be extinct by now!"
"Mulder… You still have time to fall in love."
"Forget is, Scully! It would be the biggest X file of all. I'm not getting younger, and my sample is not getting more viable. Samantha it is!"
"Sure… Fine. Whatever."
