Missundaztood

Chap 7 – Everything I Want I Always Do

I stared at Sai with confusion writ plainly on my face. Confusion and shock. He kept his inky gaze fixed on mine, wide and completely open. This was it. He was finally opening up and expressing the feelings he had been keeping to himself for so long. These were the emotions he had been fighting with. He wasn't angry with me, I realized, but with himself because he wasn't sure of what he wanted.

He wanted acceptance. He wanted the love he never received while growing up, the trust he couldn't get from anyone else, the safety he had never felt.

Could I give it to him?

I wanted to. I wanted to give him everything he asked for and more. I wanted to protect him and be the one he could trust but... love? The kind of love he was seeking was the kind I couldn't give.

Was I capable of overlooking the gender similarities? I was so used to being aroused by women like a vast majority of the male population. Was I willing to try this? One thing was for certain; Sai would be crushed of all hope if I turned him down.

But I had to weigh all possibilities here... I was comfortable being heterosexual. Gay was a bit of a stretch for me so what? Was I bisexual? Undecided? Confused? Curious? There were too many terms for this... what do I say?

I looked at Sai's hopeful face and my heart tightened and felt heavy in my chest.

I needed time to sort this out...

I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. I closed my mouth, cleared my throat, and tried again to no avail. What the hell was wrong with me?

Sai frowned and watched my lips for a moment before looking away from me and back out over the long stretch of lush, green park. "I'll understand if you say no, Naruto. Don't feel obligated to say yes. I want you to speak the truth, ok?" his words were so soft and brittle. I was terrified to make any sound.

"Sai, I..." I cleared my throat again and looked out over the park with him. "Sai... I'm not sure... I've never thought about it before and I'm not sure what to think... I uhm... I also don't think it's a good idea." For some reason, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My chest was so tight, my heart so heavy, my mind so hazy. I felt so terrible. It was even worse when Sai closed his eyes and looked away from me to hide his pale face.

"Why do you think that?" he asked, his voice wavering.

"It's just... uhm... I think maybe you like me for all the wrong reasons, you know? I'm not the only guy out there, Sai and I'm certainly not the only one who would be willing to give you everything you need and more," I say softly, closing my tired blue eyes. "Just because I helped you out, like any friend would, doesn't mean I'm... you know, boyfriend material..."

There was a tight silence that seemed to push itself between Sai and I and I couldn't help but wonder if I just blundered my way into losing a friend. I opened my eyes and reluctantly looked over at Sai's back. He was so still and unmoving that I thought for a moment that he had left me and placed a statue in his place. My concern only grew as I saw his shoulders shake with the effort of controlling a sob.

I made him cry... great, now didn't I just feel like the worlds' biggest ass right now?

With guilt, I sidled over to him, wrapped my arms around his stomach and pulled him into my lap. A sharp intake of breath told me that I scared him but I held tight, holding the smaller body firmly and trying to convey my mixed, wild emotions to him. I knew it wouldn't work but it was worth a shot.

The next moment, Sai leaned his head against my chest and sniffled softly. "I don't want anyone else, Naruto... No one else could have gone through what you did and still have enough sanity and courage to stay with me... I don't want to pressure you but... would you at least consider trying? I can wait for you," he whispered gently to my chest.

My throat felt dry and parched and my heart still thrummed painfully against my rib cage but I could breathe again. "Sai... I don't know..." I said gently. He was shaking slightly so I rubbed my hands up and down his arms to warm him up as I looked out wistfully across the park. I could only hope that some epiphany would smack me in the face and help alleviate the stress that was weighing down on my shoulders. However, no such epiphany occurred and I was still left with the imminent problem at hand that I wasn't sure how to deal with.

"What's stopping you?" he asked softly. It wasn't prodding or snarky. It was genuinely curious so I answered as truthfully as I knew how.

"Fear..."

"Of?"

"Gender I think... Up until recently I've been completely straight. It's not like I had anything against gays, lesbians or bisexuals. I was just a firm believer that I was straight. But lately... I don't even know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act or speak, I'm so confused. I don't know if I can accept a same gender relationship, you know?" I could hear my voice wavering now too so I swallowed the dry lump and felt my throat tighten and close off, making my lungs burn.

A sigh escaped the man I was holding and he straightened his shoulders and pulled from my grip. He didn't look at me as he stood, brushed off his clothes and held out a hand to me to help me up. I took it and let him lift me to my feet.

I brushed my clothes off too and was about to suggest climbing back down to the truck when I saw the expression on Sai's face. It was raw. Uncontained and raging behind those swirling black depths as he looked at me with hunger. Taking a step forward, I was about to ask him if he was ok when he grabbed my wrist and pulled me against him gently.

"Can... if you don't want to date me than can I just kiss you?" he asked, his eyes staring into mine seriously. That raw, ravenous hunger never left his eyes as he waited with baited breath for my answer.

A kiss? Kiss... kiss Sai? Kissing Sai... Sai kissing me... Me kissing Sai... Me kissing Sai and Sai kissing me...?

I licked my lips, unable to think properly at the moment.

Why? Why kiss Sai?

Why not kiss Sai?

I almost groaned out loud at my inner turmoil. Why was I letting this affect me?

I swallowed, licked my lips, ruffled my hair and, finding no excuse not to, nodded, seeing as I was incapable of proper speech for the time being.

The fire lit in his eyes and he wrapped his arms around my back softly, pulling me closer to him as he leaned in. His gaze was focused solely on my quivering lips. My heart leapt painfully, smacking itself against my chest, screaming at me. I couldn't focus on what it was trying to say but if I had to take a guess, I'd say it was screaming 'YES! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!'

That's what I'd be screaming too...

Instead, my eyes locked on his pale lips too and I felt my body tense up as Sai pressed his body flush against mine and tilted his head ever-so-slightly so our noses wouldn't bump. My nose was still sore and healing from when Amako remodelled my face but that pain was forgotten the closer Sai got. Now, just a breath away, he hesitated only for a moment before so, so gently pressing his lips against mine.

I melted.

I mean, I've kissed before and I knew how it worked. But none were so... tasty and tempting before.

Generally though, both partners had to put in an effort and that was something my brain wasn't comprehending. Sai pulled away with a light frown and look of disappointment. I didn't kiss back.

He opened his mouth to apologize. That's when my brain fired up again and I pushed my lips down on his to keep him from apologizing for something I did. This time, he melted. His grip around my back loosened and his eyes fluttered shut as his lips moved perfectly over my own. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I held him up against me as I suppressed a gasp as my heart suddenly started beating again.

I hadn't realized it stopped.

A part of my brain told me that it shouldn't feel this good. His lips shouldn't feel this soft, his body shouldn't feel this warm, his taste shouldn't leave me hungry for more. The other, larger, part of my brain told the other part to shut up as I tightened my hold on Sai. It felt like an eternity before I pulled away, flushed, slightly breathless and feeling weak in the knees.

Sai was in much the same state that I was in but worse off. Shaking, shivering, Jell-o is what he had become and I had to hold him up to keep him from toppling over like cooked spaghetti noodles.

I held him and watched his flushed cheeks for forever. Waiting patiently till he recovered, I took great delight in the shivers running up and down his spine.

It shouldn't feel this right. Yet somehow it did. My heart was still pounding heavily against my chest but this time I listened as it screamed 'What the HELL is your problem? KISS THAT BOY AGAIN!'

"Ok," I whispered.

Sai's eyes snapped open and I felt him try to stand straight. "Ok, what?" he asked cautiously, licking his pale lips.

"Ok," I confirmed with a tiny smile, "I'll try."

...

Awwwwweeeee...

Short chapter I know and I just hope that you all don't shoot me for it but I just wanted to focus on the work up to their discovery.

I hope the quality and contents of this chapter keep you all happy until the next update!

To Genesisgoboom: I'm glad you are still reading even though you don't have time to review. I hope everything is still to your liking and I hope everything is well on your end!

And to everyone else to read and reviewed, I thank you very much and I hope you enjoy the chapters to come!

READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!

Love you all

TLC