The Sun is Cold

It took a lot of persuasion for Colonel Carter to convince the IOA to not insist that Katherine Anderson Lorne be reassigned to Earth immediately and permanently. Actually it took a lot of persuasion on the part of Colonel Carter, Colonel Sheppard, Dr Beckett and Dr Keller. The fact that Major Evan Lorne was third in command of Atlantis was the basis of their argument. Kat and Evan had gotten married while they were on leave on Earth and it was argued that the loss of such a valued military member of the expedition would not be a good thing. Evan had made it clear that if his wife were not allowed to return to Atlantis that he would not return either. He even went so far as to threaten to resign his commission.

It was almost six weeks before Kat and Evan were able to return to Atlantis. Shortly after they returned from their honeymoon Kat suffered a bout with what appeared to be a 48-hour bug. Then Evan had a setback in his recovery a couple of days before they were to leave Earth. The stress of the past few weeks and everything that had happened brought on a slight case of pneumonia and Dr Frasier would not allow him to leave thus forcing them to extend their stay. They also never got the chance to go see Evan's family out in California. When they finally did return they were met with congratulatory banners and even a small party.

By the time they returned to Atlantis, Kat was starting to show her pregnancy especially in her normal base uniform. Her scrubs were still loose enough to fit pretty well. She had picked up some maternity clothes while on Earth and gone up a size in the uniform pants. She was a little over four months along and feeling pretty good. She started having some morning sickness but it wasn't bad and it usually seemed to be related to what and when she ate the night before. She was figuring out what triggered it much better and had learned to avoid those foods and to eat regularly.

*****

"It's nice to have you back, Kathy. Marriage definitely seems to be agreeing with you." Dr Beckett gave Kat a big hug when she walked into the Infirmary. He'd been off world when she and Evan had returned from Earth.

"Thanks, but I don't think it's just being married." She laid a hand on her stomach. "I think the baby has as much to do with it as anything."

"Yes, you do have that certain glow, my dear. How's Major Lorne feeling? I got Dr Frasier's report on what happened. I would like to see him soon, though."

"He's doing pretty good. He took Captain Landon's death rather hard. Going to see the family was quite a strain on him. I will make sure he gets down to see you this afternoon."

"That will be fine. How are you doing? I understand you came down with a bit of a bug yourself on Earth. I hope you don't go overdoing it? I know you were working some pretty long hours before you left. I'd hate to see you return to that schedule."

"Oh I don't see that happening. It looks like I've only one therapy patient, plus Evan of course. Somehow between you, Dr Keller, the entire nursing staff and Evan, I think it's safe to say I won't be able to overdo it."

*****

Kat was sitting at a workstation in the Infirmary. She stood up when Evan came in. He and his team had just returned from a mission and were there for their mandatory post-mission check.

"You look tired, babe, everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. I just haven't been sleeping well lately. Getting up every couple of hours to go to the bathroom tends to disrupt my sleep. I have a checkup with Jennifer in the morning and I'll see if she has any suggestions. I doubt it though; I think this is one of those things that comes with the territory of being pregnant. And it's just going to get worse before it gets better."

"Why don't you let Maggie handle this? You take it easy."

"Evan, it's my job, you know that. I can't be slacking off just because of this." She put her hand on her expanding belly. By now she was really starting to show. It was as if the baby grew overnight and so did her belly. They would even be able to tell if it was a boy or a girl by now. "I was thinking of having Jen tell me what we're having. It will make getting clothes and picking a name a whole lot easier. Janet and Cassie said they would send stuff when I get a little closer to delivering."

"No you can't be slacking off, but I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to sit this one out, let someone else take us." Evan had put his hands on Kat's shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. He had mastered her ability to say plenty with just a look.

"Alright, you win," she conceded. "I get off in an hour and a half, you wanna walk me home?"

"Sure, it will probably only take half that time to get our med checks. But I have to take care of the post mission briefing first. That shouldn't take long. There isn't a whole lot to report on. If you promise to not work too long past your shift if I'm late."

"Deal." She kissed him and turned to go ask Maggie to take care of Evan and his team.

"Sure thing, Kathy. I'll take care of 'em. You look tired. Maybe you should knock off early tonight. Go get some rest. I don't think Dr Beckett will mind."

"Thanks a lot Maggie, but I only have an hour and a half to go. I do wish people would quit saying I look tired though. Sheesh, what's it gonna be like in a couple months when I'm so big I can hardly move. I think I'm going to scream if one more person tells me I look tired."

"Sorry Kathy. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's okay. I'm sorry I went off on you. It's just that the first thing Evan said when he walked in was 'you look tired.' Not hi, how are you? Or I missed you, I love you, no, right away it's how tired I look."

"Hey, he's just concerned, that's all. He loves you. That's apparent every time I see him look at you. It's written all over his face. I wish I could find a guy who was that devoted to me."

"I know. I don't know what it is; I've been on edge all day today. I just needed to vent. Fine way for me to treat the poor guy after just getting back from another planet. Again, I'm sorry for going off on you."

"You're pregnant, that's what it is. Don't give it another thought. Every time my sister got pregnant, practically from day one, the slightest little thing would send her flying off the handle. She'd turn into a real witch for nine months. Sometimes wondered how my brother-in-law could stand it. He must love her because they have four kids now."

"Thanks again. I have some charts to finish up so I will just sit quietly and take care of them. Let Evan know I'm being a good girl, okay?" She smiled and went into one of the small adjacent offices.

*****

Kat was putting the finishing touches on the last chart when Evan appeared in the doorway. "You ready to go, babe?"

"Yeah, just have to finish signing this chart and I'm done. There." She closed out of the terminal she was working on and stood up to go. She felt a little light-headed when she stood up and so quickly sat back down.

"What's wrong? Another dizzy spell? I thought you were over those a couple months back?" Evan came into the room and squatted down beside her chair. He shot her one of his recently developed I'm-not-happy-about-thislooks. Kat had been a good teacher when it came to giving looks instead of speaking. And Evan had been a good student.

"Well, I guess not. It's not that unusual, Evan, for this to go on throughout the entire pregnancy. I wish you'd stop worrying. I think I'd know if something was wrong."

"Oh so all of a sudden you're an expert on being pregnant. Last time I checked this was your first time. Just because you have medical training doesn't mean you know everything about it."

He was starting to piss her off. They rarely, if ever, had cross words with one another and had never had a fight but she felt as if he was goading her into one. She stopped herself from saying something she knew she'd regret. She put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, hon, I didn't mean to sound so nonchalant about it. I know you worry and I love you for it. I guess I'm just more tired today than I was willing to admit. I wasn't trying to pick a fight with you. Please forgive me." She gave him her puppy-dog-eyes look that always melted his heart.

"Alright, you're forgiven." He couldn't stay angry with her even if he wanted to. He stood up and put his hands on her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "If you let me take you back to our quarters and you rest for the remainder of the evening? When did you last eat? I'll get you settled and then go down and get you dinner."

"Okay, sounds good to me. I am hungry. Then again I'm always hungry. My stomach hasn't been quite right most of the day so don't make it anything heavy, okay?" He helped her get up from the chair and then put his arm around her waist and led her out of the room. She put her arm around his waist and let him guide her.

*****

They had only been asleep for a short time when Kat awoke suddenly. It wasn't the usual urge to go to the bathroom that woke her this time. It was a sudden sharp pain in her back. Then she started to have severe abdominal cramps. She had not experienced anything like this before. Sure she had backaches but nothing as sudden and intensely sharp as this. It was like someone stabbed her with a knife. And she had never had the stomach pains. She let out a low scream.

Evan immediately woke to the sound of his wife next to him. "Kat, honey, what is it?"

"I don't know, but it's not good I know that. Something is definitely wrong." She gasped and grabbed her stomach as another sharp pain hit.

Evan grabbed his comm-link from the bedside stand. He put it in his ear and tapped it. "This is Major Lorne, I need a medical team to my quarters immediately."

Evan leaped out of bed and quickly threw his pants on. A voice came over his comm.

"Major, we're on our way. What's wrong?" It was Dr Keller.

"It's Kat, she's having bad stomach pains. Hurry."

A few moments later the door opened and Dr Keller and a med tech came in with a gurney. They rushed to the bed. Kat was lying on her side with her knees drawn up towards her chest. It was obvious she was in severe pain.

*****

"God, this can't be happening. It's too early." She was crying in pain and fear of what she was certain was happening. She was afraid she was miscarrying.

"Can't you do something to stop it, Doc?"

"We're doing everything we can, Evan. We've given her medication to try and stop the contractions. But I don't know if it will work. There isn't much more we can do but wait." Dr Keller was trying to reassure him. Her fear was that it was already too late and they were only prolonging the inevitable.

Just then Kat let out a high-pitched scream. "No! Oh God, no! Evan!"

"Hang in there, sweetie. I'm right here." He was holding tightly onto her hand as she was writhing in pain on the bed.

"What is it Kathy?" Dr Beckett was standing on the other side of her looking at the fetal heart monitor. The baby's heartbeat had not dropped too much, yet.

"I think my water just broke. Oh God, this can't be happening!"

Jennifer lifted the sheet from the bottom of the bed and examined Kat. "I'm afraid you're right, Kath. Your water has broken and you are dilated. You're going to deliver this baby, now." Just then the alarms went off on the monitor. The baby's heartbeat had dropped too low.

*****

When Kat awoke she saw Evan sitting by her bed watching her with love and sadness in his eyes. He didn't have to say a word. It was written all over his face. She had lost the baby. Whatever went wrong, there had been no reversing it and she had failed. She started to cry. Evan got up from the chair and sat on the bed. He took her in his arms and held her tight.

"Was it a boy or a girl?" She finally asked through her tears.

"Boy," was all he was able to say.

"I'm so sorry, Evan, I should of taken better care of myself. This was my fault."

"Hush, it wasn't your fault. It just happened. There was nothing you or I or Carson or Jennifer could have done to stop it." He had taken her face in his hands and was wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

"But—"

"No, stop it. Apparently he contracted something that affected his heart and lungs. It seems more related to those poison thorns I encountered on M74-291. I must have passed something on to you and it transferred to the baby. Even if you'd carried to term, he probably wouldn't have survived. It just wasn't meant to be this time. Don't you dare go blaming yourself." He pulled her in close to him again.

"Hi Kath. I'm so sorry." Jennifer Keller had seen that Kat was awake and came over to express her condolences. She gave her a hug, then to Evan, "Evan, I know you want to stay here and that is okay, I just need her to get some rest. Kath, you lost a lot of blood after the delivery so I need you to try and rest."

"Jen, can I at least see my son first? I need to see him and to hold him. Please?"

Jennifer was not surprised by Kat's request. Although Evan shot Jen a questioning look. Kat had held her son after the delivery but apparently had blocked it out. "Of course you can. I'll go get him." She turned to leave and Evan got up and followed her a short distance.

"I'll be right back, sweetie."

"Doc, she held him after the delivery. Why doesn't she remember? Won't this just upset her more?"

"Evan, she either has blocked it out or she just plain doesn't remember. I really don't think it will do any harm to allow her to do so again. I think it will help her to accept what happened."

"Then let me be the one to take him to her, please."

"Alright, he's this way." Jennifer led Evan to where they had taken the baby after the delivery. He was neatly wrapped in a blanket. She gently placed him in Evan's arms.

Evan slowly carried his son back to his wife and placed him in her arms. She started to cry again as she carefully lifted the blanket from his tiny head so she could see his face. She gently kissed his cheek. He reminded her of a picture of Evan as a baby that she'd seen at his mother's. Evan sat on the bed next to his wife holding her. Kat cradled her son for almost an hour, humming softly every so often. She had dozed off a couple of times but the slightest movement from Evan would wake her and she would actually tighten her grip on the baby.

"We need to give him a name so we can bury him properly. I was thinking of Evan Joel. After you and your father." Kat abruptly seemed to have snapped out of the state she had been in. It was necessary to take care of the business of naming their son and making some decisions before she could allow herself any more time to grieve. "And I don't actually want to bury him in the ground. I want him cremated and his ashes spread out from the balcony of my old quarters… where he was conceived," she told Evan matter-of-factly. When Kat and Evan had returned from Earth with the albeit guarded blessing of the IOA, Colonel Carter had seen to it that the expectant couple were moved into quarters that would be more accommodating to a young family.

"I like the name. That's a good choice. My dad would be proud. As for the rest, if it's what you want then it's what we'll do."

"Don't agree just to agree with me, Evan. He's your son, too. I just don't see burying him on the mainland and there certainly is nowhere to bury him in the city. And there is no way I will send him back to Earth to be buried and left. Sure he spent six weeks there inside me, but that's not his home, this is. I won't put his ashes in some jar and put it on our dresser, either. The only other options I see are either burial at sea or burial in space. And I really don't see either of those as being appropriate, do you?"

"Honey, I'm not agreeing just to agree. I think that is a good idea. I would never send him back to Earth to be alone in some cemetery someplace. And as for the sea or space option, I'm just not comfortable with either of those. I'm afraid, though, that we will have to take him back to Earth for cremation. I don't think they have found anything like that here yet, although I could talk to Dr McKay and find out."

"That won't be necessary. I suppose we should go back and see your family; let them know what happened. After all, they were pretty excited when we told them we were expecting. It went a long way in smoothing the ruffled feathers from not including them in the wedding and not being able to visit with them. I do want to keep a small amount of his ashes, though."

Just then Dr Beckett came over. "I'm so sorry, Kathy. Evan. I know this must be devastating for you. I wish we had been able to do more."

"Thank you Carson," they both said in unison.

Kathy's face changed and so did her voice as she looked down at her son. "I think my boy is getting tired. He really should be put down for a nap. Will you take him, Carson?" She lightly kissed her son and then re-covered the child's face with the blanket.

"I'll take him, honey." Evan reached out and took the baby from Kat's outstretched arms.

"Let Carson take him, will you. He has such a way with children. Stay here with me. I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep with you watching over me." She leaned back and closed her eyes.

"Is she okay," Evan asked as he handed the baby over to Dr Beckett. "She doesn't sound like herself."

Carson took the baby. "Yes, she's just exhausted. Her vitals look good. With everything she's been through in the last several hours I'm surprised she's been able to stay awake this long. I can give her a mild sedative so she'll sleep through the rest of the night, although I don't really think that will be necessary. I think she will sleep for quite a while now."

"Be gentle with him, Carson." It was Kat. Her eyes were still closed. She didn't appear to have heard any of the conversation he'd had with Evan, but she knew when he turned to take her son away.

"I will, don't worry. You sleep now. He is sleeping; now you should, too. That goes for you, too, Evan. I'll have another bed sent in so you can lie down properly."

Kat knew when Carson left the room. She did not open her eyes, she just whispered, "Good-bye my son. Mommy and Daddy love you. Sweet dreams my angel." A tear slowly made its way from beneath her closed eyelid and down her cheek. Evan sat down in the chair by her bedside. He laid his head in her lap and cried. She lifted a hand and placed it on his head. More tears escaped from beneath her closed eyes.

*****

*****