That night, well, extremely early morning, really, Oliver noticed just how fucked he was.
As soon as he had entered the underground room he had for his Green Arrow activities, his shoulders had sagged heavily and his feet began to drag, as if he had suddenly taken the whole weight of the world onto his shoulders and his body could not take it. And he might as well have done just that because he felt so incredibly heavy that it wasn't even surprising anymore, but instead was tiring.
Luckily for him, it was still so early in the morning that none of the people he shared the house with were awake and around the hideout because of their nightly activities. If Artemis had gone on any round of patrol, she must have already arrived hours ago. Roy didn't come by much anymore. And Dinah most probably hadn't come back after he had asked her to leave.
As he climbed up the stairs that led from his work station up to the showers, Ollie noted just how frazzled he truly was. His breaths were quick and uneven, his heartbeat quick, and even though he couldn't see himself, he just knew that his whole body was shaking. His whole body was uncomfortably tensed, as if it expected to get attacked at any moment. And, honestly, Ollie could not blame himself for that. Slade had done a number on him the first time, but this second time had just been... It was horrible.
As soon as he reached the shower he kept in the hideout, he began to peel off all of his layers of clothing, sneering in disgust at them once they were on the floor and off of his body.
They had partaken in something dirty, something completely wrong and repulsive. In his mind, it made sense to hate the clothes as much as he actually hated what Slade had done to him while he wore them. He had committed a dirty and horrendous act. And he needed to wash some of that dirt off of him if he didn't want to be completely ruined by it for the rest of his life.
So, when he turned on the water for his shower, he turned it up as hot as it would go to see if it would make him feel any less dirty. And maybe, just maybe, he would be able to get the feeling of hands crawling over him off of his body if he scorched it with the hot water.
The water scorched him in the best way possible. Ollie closed his eyes as the water just pounded on him, ignoring how much it really stung him as best he could even though he winced occasionally. It felt good. The water burned him in the best way possible at the moment. And he could barely even feel the ghost of Slade's hands over him now that the burning sensation overwhelmed him.
When he opened his eyes, they immediately fell on the disgusting articles of clothing and it seemed as if whatever progress the hot water had managed was dashed away with that single look. Why? Because Oliver noticed something rather important. He had been disgusted with his clothes. He couldn't stand the fact that Slade had gotten his way with his body without any hint of resistance.
Just the very thought of that man's body hands on his body was enough to make whatever numbness the stinging water had managed to be drowned away and replaced by a hyper awareness of every single place Slade had touched him.
Frustrated tears began to well up in his eyes and Oliver could not help but clench his fists tightly.
Maybe his feelings were on high alert. That would explain why he had tears threatening to spill from his eyes and he breathed in soft gasps, as if he were preparing himself for the oncoming panic attack his body already seemed to know was about to happen.
Breathing out shakily, the man slowly lowered his body until he was seated on the floor of the shower, the hot water almost forgotten as it rained down on him. His chest tightened uncomfortably, his throat closed up, and through blurry eyes he could see his hands begin to shake.
He hated all of this. And there was a horrid feeling growing in his gut that made him think that this was only the beginning of whatever it was Slade had planned.
There was so much about this whole situation that he hated that he could make himself a mental checklist.
Mind games? Despised.
Being powerless to not do anything to stop Slade? Absolutely loathed.
Feeling guilty over something he had no real control over? He hated that sensation more than anything else.
The disgusting feeling of not being able to get clean after all of this? It was amazing one human being could hold so much apathy for just one kind of thing.
Slade himself?
Upon thinking of the name, the man's smirking face appeared once more at the forefront of his mind, seemingly having been burned onto it as soon as Ollie had come across it.
But there was something odd about this image. Something in his mind clicked and he was no longer feeling the pure hatred he felt towards the whole situation. Instead... Instead... What the hell did he feel towards Slade? He longed to be able to say that the feeling coursing him was a hate so pure and difficult to attain that there were no real words to describe it, but... He could not lie to himself.
He may be able to lie to his girlfriend, to his friends, to his children, and to just about everyone, but he could not lie to himself.
And the indescribable emotion that now overtook him was anything but hate. He knew himself too well to try and lie about it.
His face scrunched up at the thought of this because of how purely fucked up it was. Not hate Slade? No, that didn't make any sense. He had all the right in the world to hate the cocky, dastardly, disgustingly manipulative mercenary!
The sudden realization of his feelings made bile rise immediately in his throat but he managed to keep it down as he leaned against the shower's wall and raised his hand to his mouth.
"Damn it!" With a sudden burst of uncontrolled anger, the man twisted around to punch into the tiled wall of the shower, causing the material to splinter beneath his fist.
From the sheer force he had used against the wall, Ollie managed to tear into his own skin and caused his hand to draw blood with the glass that came loose. With a cry that came more out of annoyance than pain, he withdrew his hand from the wall and inspected the damage to his hand, then the one caused to the wall. From what he saw, he could only hope that none of the others decided to use the shower until he was able to fix the damage.
After making a note in his mind to try and fix the broken tile, he stayed on the floor for a while longer just stewing in his thoughts. The very idea of hating everything Slade had done to him yet not once having thought about hating the man himself... It made no sense. Why would he not think about despising Slade? Why did the man never cross his mind, even though his actions haunted him so horribly?
Once he realized that- for some reason he could just not fathom- he couldn't bring himself to hate Slade, Oliver felt even sicker than he had before. How could he not hate the man? There was no reason to not hate him. He had every reason under the sun to despise him.
With a saddened groan, Oliver stood up from his place on the floor and shut off the hot water. Now that he had come to this realization, burning his skin seemed to make no sense. If the problem was psychological, then punishing his body wouldn't really do anything to help fix it.
His skin was uncomfortably hot as he stepped out of the shower and when he glanced down, he noticed how red it had become from having sustained such abuse for so long. But the pain he was supposed to have felt was numbed and barely perceptible because he somehow managed to just ignore it. His mind was much too busy at the moment, after all, regretting every decision he had ever made in his life to stop and allow his pain receptors to work at top capacity.
With this in mind, the man made his way out of the shower, over to the robes he kept in the hideout, then up to his house. On his way up to his room, though, he stopped in the kitchen for a shot of whiskey. Then another. And a final one. And once he felt he was buzzed enough to feel just a bit less bad than he did before, he made his way up to his room.
He awoke to a soft knock on his door.
The curtains over his windows were drawn tight and his room was completely engulfed in darkness. When Ollie opened his eyes and noticed this, a sudden feeling of unease crept up on him because of how dark his room seemed. It felt cold, calloused, distant. And he immediately felt like he was going to begin to drown in that dark feeling if he didn't leave the room immediately.
Then the knock came back and he sat up in his bed to call out to the person. "Who's there?"
"Dinah. Listen, Ollie, we need to talk."
Oliver's eyes widened at her voice, the memories of what he had done the past night hitting him like a mac truck, but he did his best to push them to the very back of his mind so he could jump out of bed and hurry towards the door.
"We really do." He called to her, then threw the door open, took one look at the blonde beauty he called his own, and couldn't stop himself from wrapping his arms around her and bringing her as close to him as he could. "How have you been?" He asked before he could stop himself, eyes closed as he just rejoiced in the feeling of having her body right beside his.
For once, he felt right being so close to someone. Slade seemed to have been doing a good job of making him forget how that might feel. Slade seemed to have done a pretty good job of covering up all the good things that came from being touched by someone you actually cared for.
"I'm fine, Ollie..." Dinah answered after a confused beat, then wrapped her arms around Oliver's back and felt him almost melt into her. "Are you feeling alright, Ollie? You're rather... I don't know..." She drifted off for a moment, then breathed out and nestled her face into his chest. "I've been so worried about you, you idiot."
"And I'm sorry for making you worry, Pretty Bird... I know that I didn't seem alright when I came home, and I know denying going to the League for medical care only made you worry more, but..." He breathed out then, shaking his head to press a kiss to the top of Dinah's head. "Let me take you out."
The thought came to him suddenly, without any real basis.
But he had missed Dinah. He had missed her stability and the comfort she radiated. No matter how much Dinah might try to make people believe otherwise, she was a soft and warm soul that cared deeply for those she deemed worthy of the care. And while she did not show her hidden side to many, Oliver had been able to experience it a few times. And that side was the one he desperately needed at the moment.
He knew that her soft and caring side would not come out of nowhere. She had to be eased into a state of calmness to even think about not being guarded against everything. So, in a moment of very little thinking, he decided to take her out to eat to lull her into caring for him. If he showed her that he still loved her very much, then maybe she would let down her guard and give him the love he needed. Maybe she would be able to unknowingly remind him of the stability and security he had once had in his life.
"Take me out?" She repeated almost dumbfounded, pulling back from the embrace to look at Oliver with wide eyes. "Ollie, you just got back from being missing for three days. Is going out really a good idea?"
With a soft smile finding its way onto his face, Ollie nodded, "Believe me, Dinah, when I tell you that the only thing that can really make me feel better after the hell I went through is spending time with the most beautiful woman on this planet." Then he kissed her swiftly yet softly on the lips, only to withdraw with the smile still on his face, "And that is what you are, Pretty Bird."
Dinah's eyebrow quirked at the kiss, but soon found herself shaking her head with a soft smile of her own.
"Where will you be taking me?" She asked the blonde man as she squeezed his back for a moment, then released him to grab his hand and begin to lead him over to the family room.
"Anywhere you want, Pretty Bird." He answered as he allowed her to take him wherever she wanted to because, on the inside, he only hoped that she wouldn't abandon him now.
It brought a smile to his face to see her smile at his answer, and he believed that even though Slade was fucking him over royally, he at least had Dinah to rely on. And, if he was lucky, she would stay with him through all of the lies, the deceit, and the cover ups because of how much she loved him.
Maybe, if he was lucky, her love for him would be enough for her to put up with all the lies he knew he would have to give her now.
Hope you all enjoyed it!
