This is the edited version, the one I was hiding on my computer for so long. spiralANgel did this for me a really long time ago, but I didn't get to upload it till now. I'm a disaster!
Thank you so so so so much for this, spiralANgel.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Taking Chances
I was driving towards her home and I still couldn't believe I was doing this. There were so many reasons why I shouldn't have done this, but all those reasons couldn't stop my excitement about it. I've never felt so alive in my entire life! I was nervous all day, like a kid before his first date, although, I always feel great around her. It feels like I'm complete again, like there's nothing wrong with me... She makes all those years of pain go away and I never imagine this could be possible.
Before I realized I was already there. I got out of my car and get to the door. I took a deep breath and ring the bell. After a moment that seemed to last forever, the door opened and Renee invited me in. We talk for a while and, honestly, I have no idea about what. All I know is that I tried my best to be polite and nice, to be the guy who deserves Bella.
When I saw her coming downstairs my breathing stopped. She was amazingly beautiful, and that wasn't just because the wonderful blue dress she was wearing, which seemed to be designed for her, beside that was the way her presence made me feel. It was the way her eyes seem to shine while they never left mine, her smile which seemed to be just for me, the way she acted around me, like there wasn't anyone else in the whole world beside us, like there wasn't anyone else beside me... My hart ached at this thought. I could almost feel the pain all this will turn into in the moment she'll find out the truth, the moment she'll leave. I will never be able to blame her for this, she is incredibly perfect, and I have no right to steal her life away. She deserves the wonderful life, the perfect life, the life I will never be able to give her. And that moment was going to be tonight... if I'll be strong enough, if I'll be smart enough!
But now she was standing in front of me and everything else seem to be insignificant. Thoughts, worries, fears, coherency, self preservation, seemed to be long gone. I guess I'm just a masochistic idiot...
"Hi!" was the best thing I could say. My coherency was still on holyday.
"Hi!"
I think I was just standing there, staring at her as an idiot. Luckily, she brought me back to Earth: "Shall we?"
"Sure."
When we got out the soft wind seemed to set us free, making all the nerves disappear.
"Where are we going?"
Who cares as long as I'm with you? "I don't know. Where would you like to go?"
"Wherever you want, as long as you're coming to."
Even if she said it like a joke, it left me puzzled, but made me feel great in the same time. And I have to admit: she's much straighter then me. Maybe I should work at this part.
I choose the first restaurant that went trough my mind. Until we get there, we talk about all kind of stuffs. Just small-talk. I think I kept the conversation in this zone mostly to avoid the moment when I will have to make one of the toughest decisions I ever made in my life. The funny part was that I was aware that whatever I'll choose it will end up bad. Still, these dark thoughts didn't bother me for too long. When we got to the restaurant, I was flaying away since long ago. After we ordered, we sunk into our conversation again.
"What did you do today?"
"Lot of stuffs" She smiled when she said that, like it was a joke only she could understand. I wonder what it was all about... "I start working at my book."
"Really? That's great! What is it about? Can I read it?"
"I never let anyone read anything until it's done. I guess I'm just scared of not being good enough."
After that we started talking about tones of stuffs: books and authors we loved, music and movies, actors and personal models. We had so much in common. I couldn't believe it.
While we talked I became even more found of her and it was a really disturbing to feel like I was lying to her, that wasn't fair. She should know I don't deserve her. Or, at least, that was what I was telling myself. But behind that I was hoping she'll stay, she'll accept me as I am... She is to kind to just shove mo of. I want her to know, I need her to know.
"So, how is Alice?"
"Hyperactive, as usual." she said laughing.
"I think is great to have a sister like her."
"I know, I'm one of the luckiest persons in the whole world that I found them, actually, they found me..."
"I'm not following..."
"They adopt me when I was 10."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"It's ok. I don't mind talking about it. After all, it was just another life experience that helps me learn more about life, which made me what I am now.
"You're brave, and incredibly mature." That was one of the things that fascinate me about her. She seemed to have the mind of a 40 when she was just 20. I never met anyone like her. I loved her laughter; even though I wasn't really sure way was she laughing like that now. It wasn't a joke, it was a compliment!
"What? What is so funny?"
"My mom use to tell me I was born at 30 and I get older every year..."
"Well, she was right." Now we were both laughing.
"My parents died in a car crash when I was 8. Because I had no relatives to take care of me, my grandmother was in a home for elderly, I was sent to an orphanage. I didn't mind it at the beginning, but the fact that I never manage to fit in, hurt. I started to lose my faith in myself and other people around me. My only refuges were books and school, but it was hard to learn or read when you had so many people around you. There were times when I barely manage to hear my own thoughts. When I met Alice and Esme, I was already a mess. I was 10 and I was sure nobody had any reasons to care about me, or even like me. When they said they want to adopt me, I freaked out. I was sure I will never be able to be good enough for them, or be able to love them as they deserved. I was sure they'll send me back in a month..."
She looked like she was thinking at something, maybe a memory... I wish I knew what it was. I couldn't think about anything else beside the huge resemblance of our experiences. Even if it wasn't about the same thing, the ways we saw the world, our feelings, seemed to be identical. I felt like I was an outsider for the last 3 years, and from some points of view, my entire life. Until she show up. The strange hope that she may understand me was even stronger now. I new I couldn't ask her to see me as a boyfriend or something, but I hoped she will accept me as a friend and she won't run away like the others.
"But if I wouldn't let them in my life, if I would have run away like my fears told me, I don't think I would still be here. I mean, I don't know if I would still be alive, because, I wouldn't definitely be were I am now. Sometimes, you have to give people a chance, to give yourself a chance... because, the worst thing that could happen is not to be rejected, is to wonder forever how it could have been."
At the last part, she was looking me in the eye. That moment I felt she knew about me much more then I could ever imagine. And she saw me only twice before this. Maybe Alice told her... But if she did, what is she doing here? Why she didn't say anything? This just makes me want to know what she thinks even more. While she seemed to see right trough me, she was a total mystery to me... And a masochistic part of me loved that. This thought made me smile.
"What are you thinking about?"
"The way you seem to read me like an open book, while I'm completely lost in darkness."
"What makes you think that I can read you?"
"Trust me, you do!" I laugh at the possibility that she may not realize how close she was of what I felt. She smirked.
"Well, I'm usually considered a good reader, but I see you like an exception. I mean, I have some hints, I suppose you are pretty much like me, in some ways, but I can't see way. So, honestly I have no clue. Besides, I have a strange feeling that my usual instincts don't work on you. "
"In what ways you think I'm like you?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Please, maybe this will help me get out of the fog." I said on my best pleading tone.
"What's in for me?"
"I'll tell you which of them are true, and I'll tell you something you didn't see, although I doubt there is something like this."
"Ok. I like this. I can see sometimes you feel an outsider and I think that's more because you don't think you deserve to be here, even though I can't imagine way. I think you put a wall between you and other people, is like you try to protect yourself from them, and that usually happen when you don't trust yourself, like I use to do. I think there's something you hide deep inside you; something that's hurting you, and I whish you could tell me what it is. But I doubt you will. Besides that I think you're a great guy, mature, smart and loving who doesn't see himself very clearly, because if you would, all those things wouldn't bother you."
I was staring at her puzzled for the second time in this evening. I expected to figure out some stuffs, but not that precisely. I wasn't very convinced about the last part, but I guess after all the bitterness she had to add some compliments to.
"Wow. You are good at this!"
"Thank you. Now it's your turn!"
"You're right about almost everything: I feel like an outsider, but that's because I am different, very different..."
"But in a good way!"
"It's not in a good way, trust me." She definitely didn't know. I wonder how she'll see me after she'll find out.
"I told you, you don't see yourself clearly."
"Yeah, right... Remember the part about the thing that I hide, although I would say it's more like I'm not ready to talk about it, trust me, you'll see me more clearly when you'll find out what it is."
"I doubt that, but if it makes you feel better... Next, please." Her tone was official, but in a funny way. It gave me the feeling that I'm in front of a shrink, so I start laughing.
"I put a wall between me and others because of that thing and the way people tend to run away in the second they find out about it. I prefer to don't get to close to someone to be safe. I got burn enough for a lifetime..."
Her eyebrows unite, she looked like she was displeased, maybe worried, about something. But then she raises her head and smile looking me in the eyes:
"Still, I hope you'll take a chance with me."
Ok, this began to be strange: I was puzzled for the third time, end it was just... damn! How on earth could time pass so quickly?
"You know it's past midnight?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"I wish!" She smiled at that one, god knows why... Maybe she wants to go home... That hurt!
"I think I should take you home."
"I'm not sure about that..."
Now I'm confused!
"Why don't we go for a walk?" So she wants to stay with me! I couldn't halt the large smile that lean on my face.
"That's a great idea! Where would you like to go?"
"I know a nice park not far from here we could go to. But only if you want to. Or we could go home if..." she seemed to be worried she'd push it to far, or that I didn't want to go. Well, I guess she isn't such a good people reader after all.
"No, I don't want to let you go so soon!" A smile lightened up her face and my mind went blank. How was this possible? How could a single human being be holding so much perfection?
We left the restaurant still talking about the clarity in our way of seeing each other. It was funny. She kept telling me how many reasons I have to ignore the bad things, but when I was told her the same thing, she was even more stubborn then me. I think I just find another thing we have in common.
It was a beautiful night. Everything seemed to shine under the moonlight, the wind was playing with her hair, making her look like a fairy. I felt hypnotized...
"You know, I never thought someone like you may exist."
She stopped and turn towards me smiling. Then, before I could see it coming, she kissed me.
A storm of electricity went through me when our lips touched. Even if my mind was stunned, my body reacted immediately.
I hugged her, pulling her closer to me. Her lips were driving me insane, making me hold her tight. Maybe tighter then I should have, but I didn't let go. Maybe because I didn't want to let her go or maybe because I was afraid I could lose her. But she never stepped aside. She was just holding me tighter and that blew off my mind.
When, unfortunately, we needed to breathe neither of us seemed to want more space. We just stood there, with our foreheads leaned on each other and looking into each other eyes. Right then, after that kiss, she looked so happy. She was glowing while she was wearing the most amazing smile I've ever seen. I couldn't believe, I was afraid to believe, that all these could be because of me. Anyway, one thing I knew for sure… I love this girl and I'd do anything for her.
After that, we kissed again, and again, and again… We sat on the closest bench. She was lying down in my arms, while we were kissing and cuddling. Her kisses were intense and full of passion. If I would be normal, I don't know were all this would lead to…
We didn't talk too much; I guess we talked enough beforehand. Time flew off with the speed of sound. When we realized the sky was lighting up, the clouds began to show their faces and the darkness was fading slowly, we looked at each other and start laughing like crazy.
"Where did the night go?"
"I have no idea. Maybe I should get you back home until Chief Swan reports you missing."
"Do you really have to?"
"Well, I'm not too crazy about it either."
"Then I'll take my chances. I want to see the sunrise."
"That's fine with me!" I said hugging her tighter while I planted a soft kiss on her neck.
Unfortunately, the sunrise came much to fast, so, with no excuses left over we went slowly back to my car.
While I was driving towards her home she starts laughing with no connection with what we were talking about.
"What is it?"
"I've just reminded about the Spanish Inquisition waiting for me at home."
"I'm not fallowing…"
"Well, Alice is going to get me through a tornado of questions."
That reminded me of what I was doing. Of course she'll want to know. She's worried about her sister. I guess my feelings were obvious on my face, because she took my hand and said smiling:
"Don't worry, I don't kiss and tell."
"I'm not worried about that!" I couldn't halt to roll my eyes. She could be such a bad reader sometimes. "You can tell her everything." I said looking her in the eye and squeezing her hand. "There's nothing I could want to hide about this night."
"Ok…" She looked confused, but I wasn't going to get into details, not now.
"So, what did she said about this?" I asked more curious then I wanted to let her see, taking advantage of the fact that this seemed to be just a way of avoiding explanations. Which it actually was, but anyway… I'm even confusing myself!
"She was really happy. I never saw her so exited about any of my dates, and I have to admit; now I know why!"
And now it was my turn to be confused! Why would Alice be exited about her sister dating a HIV positive guy? Does she want to get rid of her? No, that doesn't seem like Alice, even if it seems to be the only logical explanation. I guess it's not just a myth the 'whole girls are illogical' thing. Anyway, maybe that was before… But when she'll see the time I'm taking her back, she'll probably cut my balls off. The funny part was that I couldn't blame her.
Again, we got there to soon. I walked her to the door and she turn towards me. She smiled and put her hands around my neck.
"Thank you for tonight." I whispered in her ear.
"Thank you for taking a chance with me." That one let me speechless. I just kissed her trying to put all my feelings for her in it, all their intensity.
"When I can see you again?"
"Whenever you want, just call me." she answered with that amazing smile on her face while she starts to walk slowly to the door.
Seeing her disappearing inside was even harder then I ever imagine. I stood there, lost in my thoughts for a while. It could have been there a minute or an hour, I couldn't tell. Then I snapped out of it, got to my car and went home.
All this time I couldn't get a grin of my face. I bet I was looking like I was high. She's like a drug to me… And that terrifies me! I don't think I'll be able to survive after she'll leave. But who cares now? I just had the best night of my life. I couldn't wait to see her again. I took my phone, and without too much thinking, I start texting:
"I hope I didn't wake you. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a picnic tomorrow. I know a great place I think you'll love. I could come to pick you up at 3 in the afternoon. It's ok if you have other plans or if you think it's too early, just say another hour and I'll be there.
Sweet dreams,
Edward."
After I sent it I start wondering it wasn't too soon, if I wasn't too pushy. What if she'll say no? The sound of my phone got me out of my mental bubbling.
"Don't worry, I'm not sleeping, I'm still fighting The Spanish Inquisition :) I'd love to come and 3 it's not to early. I can't wait to see you again.
Sweet dreams,
Bella."
If before I was flying, now I was floating in outer space! I had to seriously focus to stop myself from jumping around the room like a three years old. Nothing could make me sad right now, not even the thought that she'll leave one day. Right now, I'm the happiest guy in the universe!
