Miroku's POV
Two things kept me cheerful the whole of the next day, despite my not being allowed to partake of my precious sake: the fact that there was only one week left of my da-ru, and I had successfully thwarted Sango's plans.
The poor girl was completely subdued for the past week after I told her that she'd groped me. From the way a slight tinge of colour came into her face whenever our eyes met, I figured she wouldn't be planning anything for a while yet.
I figured since Sango was suitably mortified, that left Kagome. I needed to get back at her for subjecting me to this living nightmare in the first place.
In a strange twist of events, Sango and Inuyasha went off to hunt for dinner, leaving Kagome and myself alone in the camp. She unwittingly cooperated with me, sending Shippou and Kirara out to gather herbs and edible plants.
"So, this leaves us alone together, Kagome-sama," I said, giving her my most lecherous smile. Damn, it was hard at first. I was so out of practice.
She made a squeaking sound, trying vainly to call them back but finding they were already out of earshot.
"So?" she asked, crossing her arms in a valiant attempt to defend herself by acting as though she couldn't care less.
"I believe that you are not playing fair."
"What?" she said indignantly.
"I agreed to the terms of your da-ru, remember – and stuck to it, at great personal suffering," I reminded her, earning a derisive snort. "So it's only fair that you agree to do a da-ru of your own."
Kagome's mouth opened and closed like a fish's, thinking of a way to escape my irrefutable logic. Now it was my turn to gloat, reveling in her discomfort.
"Fine," she mumbled at last, refusing to meet my eyes. "Name your terms."
I made a big show of rubbing my chin. "I think it's only fair we have a similar da-ru for you, now, don't you think?"
"Miroku-sama – !?"
I snickered and Kagome backed away. In retrospect, I must have looked less a holy man and more like Naraku. Hell, I could have beaten him when it came to sneaky, devious plots. Or at least, that's what I thought must have been running through Kagome's mind, judging by the way she was looking at me.
She laughed nervously. "Now, now, Miroku-sama…"
"I challenge you, Kagome-sama… to grope every single male you come across. Humans or humanoids only, no one under the age of sixteen, I'm not that perverted. And nobody over the age of sixty, that's just wrong."
The look on her face was priceless. Absolute and utter shock was written all over her features before it morphed into a dangerous-looking combination of venom and resentment.
"Miroku-sama, let's be reasonable – " she managed through clenched teeth.
"But I'm not as evil as you are," I continued placidly as though she had never spoken, "you only have to do it for one day. One full day. Sunrise to sunset."
She screwed up her face, no doubt wishing, just once, Inuyasha's rosary was around my neck so she could 'sit' me.
"Alright," snapped Kagome eventually, her face maroon. "I suppose I don't have a choice."
"Excellent!" I clapped my hands together excitedly.
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The kamis must have been smiling down on me the next day, making up for the lost time I could not commune with the heavenly powers by stroking Sango's ass (the closest thing to heaven on earth, if you ask me) because many familiar faces showed up.
Her first victim was Inuyasha. Poor man, he had no idea what hit him. When Kagome woke up the next morning, there was a look of abject misery on her face.
Inuyasha opened one golden eye and saw her standing there. "Oy, wench, what're you standing around for? Hurry up, let's go."
He got up and froze, his eyes widening comically.
"What the - !?"
Her eyes screwed tightly shut, Kagome had her hand on his ass, acting as though Inuyasha's buttocks were going to grow fangs and snap her hand off.
Sango's mouth dropped open and Hiraikotsu's strap fell from slack fingers. Shippou fell off her shoulder and Kirara merely stared nonchalantly, looking bored in that unique way only cats can pull off.
I couldn't help but wonder whether she'd seen worse in all her years of existence or was it just a cat thing.
And me? I was enjoying it all. Payback is sweet.
"Kagome!" he squeaked, the hanyou's voice at least ten times more high-pitched than normal. "What are you – "
"Osuwari!" she shouted, slamming him face-forward into the hard dirt and running off, the picture of complete mortification.
For once, Inuyasha was too shocked to swear or even respond to that undeserved 'sitting'. He just sat up, staring after her. The others did too, blinking as though waking up from a strange dream.
Sango was the first to recover, marching over and grabbing the front of my robes, an accusing look on her pretty face.
"You wouldn't have anything to do with this, would you, houshi?" she asked, glaring at me.
"Me? What makes you think so, my dear Sango?"
She released me, going over to pull a stunned Inuyasha to his feet. She had to. There wasn't any evidence directly linking me to Kagome's behaviour.
I put on a mock-hurt look. "Why are you suspecting me?"
"Because," put in Shippou, "you're the perverted one here."
"I am so misunderstood…"
A dazed Inuyasha started walking ahead, a flush beginning to creep up over his face. He was really such an innocent boy, I mused. One grope and he was so affected…
Kagome burst out of the bushes ahead without warning, her hand flying to my ass. While her technique wasn't as good as Sango's, it wasn't bad, especially since my ass was only the second one she'd ever rubbed. It didn't matter. She'd have plenty of practice before the day was done, I reckoned.
I winked at her. Really, the maroon coloration had yet to dissipate from the early morning.
"My, my, Kagome-sama, aren't you a frisky one today!"
Sango automatically whacked me over the head with Hiraikotsu, though her heart wasn't in it.
"Shut up," mumbled Kagome, obviously mortified.
We actually managed to proceed on for a while in silence, Inuyasha mostly recovered but still strangely quiet.
Abruptly, he lifted his nose and scowled.
"Keh!" he said contemptuously, his voice back to its normal tone. "I smell something foul coming this way."
"Oh no," said Kagome weakly, colour rushing back into her cheeks as the tunnel of wind on the horizon got bigger.
"Oh yes," I grinned.
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I followed her with my eyes as Kagome flopped down on the grass with a huge sigh of relief. In the horizon, the sun sank below the hills, painting the meadows orange and crimson.
"Thank goodness this damn day is over!" she almost shouted, raising her head a fraction to glare at me.
My face was starting to hurt; the grin I wore had been plastered there all day. It just had to be the worst coincidence in the world for the poor girl. First Kouga just had to choose today to reassert his claim to Kagome's heart and had showed up to heckle Inuyasha.
The look on that wolf's face had been priceless when Kagome wormed her hand out of his grasp and clamped it over his ass. I mentally filed the entire tableau away under my vault of precious memories. Once he had got over his shock, Kouga became utterly convinced that she wanted him there and then (that disillusioned demon) and tried to carry her off. Inuyasha and I intervened quickly, stating that we had been groped before he had, nullifying his claim.
But I caught a glimpse of him before he sped off as usual. That damn wolf was smirking, he loved it.
It was a good thing he left so quickly, because Sesshoumaru and his retinue had turned up not long after…
"Incidentally, Kagome-sama, how did Sesshoumaru's ass feel like? I bet it must have been nicer than Kouga, he's got that tail in the way. Don't tell me about Naraku, though, I can't believe you actually went and grabbed his buttocks. Did you have fun?" I asked and promptly got clobbered by Hiraikotsu for my pains. Honestly, the way Sango kept hitting me with it lately, I was going to sport a giant boomerang-shaped dent in my skull.
"I don't want to talk to you," declared the young miko, covering her face with her hands. "I am constructing a Cone of Silence around me. Nothing – " she traced a vague triangle shape around her head " – penetrates the Cone. Nothing leaves, nothing gets in."
Sango stared confusedly at her, then to me, her eyes questioning. I shrugged back. Must be some magical device from Kagome's time… Funnily, we could still hear her talking to herself.
"I still can't believe I did that!" rambled on Kagome's voice, now talking to no one in particular. "I feel like one of those slutty girls I saw on MTV that time before Mama saw and cut our American cable television access!"
Sango backed away from her friend nervously, opting to sit beside me instead, much to my delight.
Shippou joined us an instant later, his little eyes bugging out in fear. "Miroku, Kagome's really scary, can't you exorcise her or something?"
"She appears to have been embarrassed into temporary insanity, Shippou," I shrugged. "My holy sutras won't have any effect."
Sango turned and glared, a withering one which could send a grown man running for cover. "And whose fault is this, monk?"
"Ya mean Miroku has something to do with this?"
Inuyasha appeared out of nowhere, uncharacteristically meek and subdued. His golden gaze was quite unsettling.
She folded her arms, a pose Shippou quickly adopted. "He must have said something to her. Knowing you, Houshi-sama, anything perverted and lecherous has something to do with you."
How true.
A dangerous-looking spark had appeared in the corner of the hanyou's eye. "What did ya do to her?" he growled menacingly.
"Come with me and I'll explain," I whispered, low enough so only his ears could pick up. Walking away nonchalantly, Inuyasha soon crashed through the bushes after me.
"So what's so secretive that you won't let Sango and Shippou hear?"
"It's a da-ru," I said. "Kagome set me my da-ru, so I thought it would only be fair if I set her one too. She had to grope every male we came across for one day."
"Keh," he snorted. "I should've known it was your fault, you lecher. I thought I was going mad when Kagome groped me."
"Admit it, you liked it."
Inuyasha's mouth fell open. "I – you damned filthy pervert – "
I folded my arms and smirked.
He blushed. A split-second later, he lashed out with his fist and connected with my head.
"Ow!"
"Bouzu."
Laughing (and rubbing my poor, sore head), I turned and walked away returning back to the campsite. A flushed Kagome was sitting up on a convenient log, apparently waiting for us.
"Inuyasha!" She flew over to the hanyou following close behind me and seized his arm.
"K – Kagome!" he gulped.
"I'm sorry about today. It won't happen again."
He managed to regain his customary gruff exterior. "Feh. You'd better not."
Beaming, she let go of the sleeve of his haori and set about preparing dinner. It looked like things were back to normal…
… But I just couldn't resist a last jibe. "Ano, Kagome-sama… so honestly, tell us who was the owner of the finest ass you've groped today," I said innocently as we ate.
She never looked up from her ramen. "Hmmm… I don't know. Sesshoumaru's ass was rather nice and tight, so was Kouga's, tail and all. I think it's sexy, so feral. Yours wasn't bad either, I guess the robes hide it. Sango-chan would know what I'm talking about. Let's not count Naraku, because it isn't even his body anyway. Inuyasha's was the best, of course."
Two loud clunks resonated around the clearing. Both Inuyasha and Sango had dropped their bowls and were staring open-mouthed at Kagome, red-faced. They started talking at once.
"You wench – !"
"Kagome-chan – !"
Calmly slurping up the last of her ramen, she set the bowl down and walked over to me.
"Sango-chan, may I…?" she called at the stunned slayer. Like a fool, I sat grinning up at her, knowing full well what was going to happen.
Ah well. It was well worth it.
Without waiting for her friend's reply, Kagome picked up Hiraikotsu and knocked me over the head with it.
I fell back, the world swimming around me. She hit a lot harder than I had thought she would.
"Gah, Sango, this thing's heavy!" I dimly heard her saying from some distant corner of my spinning universe. "How do you manage?!"
I believe I passed out around there.
When I came around later on, there was a cool cloth on my forehead. A blurry form on my right shifted and solidified into Sango.
"Oh, good, you're awake," she said in relief. "That's a nasty lump on your head, Houshi-sama, Kagome-chan dealt you quite the blow. How do you feel?"
"Better," I said, trying to get up when she slapped me across the face, knocking me back down. The slap was less powerful than her normal ones, though. I was secretly glad for her restraint.
"That's for torturing her, you pervert, and for her behaviour," she snapped. "I know you had something to do with it, I just don't know what yet. You're lucky she didn't hit you harder. Frankly, I was surprised Kagome-chan could even swing my Hiraikotsu like that."
"I know," I mumbled. "Who knew the innocent girl act hid such a violent personality?"
I closed my eyes again as Sango turned away but I caught a hint of a gleeful smirk on her face.
You're secretly glad I got thumped, Sango you masochist. Just you wait. For that smirk alone, I'm planning something special for you.
Author's Note: I apologise for the high levels of crack and hence the rampant OOCness.
