Warning: Cutting and masturbation

Part V

After our kiss, Seth walked me home, up the four flights of stairs and asked me which number the apartment was. When we stood in front of room four hundred four, I turned towards Seth. "I really enjoyed tonight," I said. "Dinner was great and watching the sunset together was priceless."

"I'm glad you liked it as much as I did," Seth smiled and leaned into me. He wrapped his arms around me and for a moment I felt very safe and protected in his arms. He kept his arms around me as he looked down at me and kissed me again ever so softly. There was a hint of his tongue at my lower lip, and out of instinct, I opened my mouth further. When his tongue slipped inside my mouth, I got violently attacked by butterflies and my chest tightened so much it made me gasp. His tongue massaged mine, curling around it while our lips did their dance. It was even better than our first kiss at the park. I did not dare to put my tongue in his mouth, so I just settled for allowing him in. Being the dominant type, I am sure he would not like it if I put my tongue in his mouth. Perhaps this was his way of letting me know that he was in control. That was fine with me. People have always been in control of me, I have gotten used to it.

When he pulled away from me, he pecked me once on the lips and withdrew his arms from their comfortable spot on my hips. "I'll call you, OK? Goodnight, Harry."

"Night," I said and watched him leave again. I could not help but think that that was a very hasty depart after such a kiss. Maybe he thought I was lousy at it, who knows? I turned to the red door and opened it, knowing Hermione was home and knowing that the door was unlocked. I spotted my roommate and Draco sitting on the couch watching yet again another movie.

"How was your date?" Hermione asked, waggling her eyebrows.

"It was fine," I said and shrugged off my coat. "He took me to an Italian restaurant and afterwards we went to the Central Park where we watched the sunset."

"How romantic. Did anything interesting happen?" she asked.

"What my dear friend wants to know is whether or not you two kissed, swapped any spit or groped each other," Draco said in monotone, his eyes not leaving the screen for one second. "Really, Hermione, you should phrase your questions better."

Hermione shot him an irritable look, but turned her large brown eyes on me and smiled brightly, wanting to know anyway.

"We kissed," I answered. "That is all you are getting out of me."

"Did you use tongue?"

I sighed. I have grown accustomed to the fact that girls always want to know everything from you (my mom did for example). "Yes, he put his tongue in my mouth just now at the door. Now can I please put my coat away and sit down on the couch or is this interrogation not over yet?"

"Don't bet on it, pal," Draco said. "She'll assault you whenever she can until she knows every single detail. Trust me, I know. You're not getting out of this."

"Shit," I muttered.

"You cursed!" Hermione gasped. "Honey, our baby is growing up!" she gushed and jumped off the couch. She grabbed my coat, dumped it somewhere and forced me to sit down next to Draco, who looked bored to tears and she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips as if she was expecting something.

"Er, what is it?" I asked.

"I bet your first kiss with him was at Central Park, during the sunset," she accused.

"Yeah," I said, bewildered.

"Oh, that is so like Seth. He's a romantic to the core, unlike you Draco."

"Seth told me that Draco is a vegan," I said, glancing at the blond man, who still did not look away from the screen.

"Oh, you've been talking about me, have you?" he muttered.

"Not really," I shrugged. "Seth told me he was a vegetarian for eleven years and then he said that you were a vegetarian for six years and then switched to veganism. He also told me of your animal activism. Protesting against killing seals for their fur and all that."

"Hmm, yeah," he said. "We met at one of the activist meetings against the slaughter of seals in Canada. Perhaps you should join, Potter. It might be good for you."

"Why would that be good for me?"

"Well, a lot of people are against killing baby seals for their fur, but few actually do something about it. If you want to add your two cents, then why not go to the meetings? There's a meeting every month on a Saturday, and this month we're having a meeting about the Japanese killing dolphins and whales and such. We're also going to watch 'The Cove'. I've seen it, and unfortunately it's the die-hard truth."

"What is it about?" I asked quietly, feeling my good mood deflate like a pricked balloon.

"There's this village, Taiji, in Japan, and if you'd go there, you'd think that the people there are very fond of dolphins and whales because you can see various statues of cetaceans there. Every year, during the months of September to March, they round up dolphins in Taiji. Dolphin trainers will stand in line, they will select a dolphin they want to train, those dolphins will be separated from the rest of the group and the rest gets, unfortunately, slaughtered in a secret cove where no human can see what is happening. This crew from America placed secret cameras to film what they are doing and there's this underwater shot and when those assholes start harpooning those dolphins, you see the entire water turning blood red. It's disgusting. Then, the saddest scene of all, there's this couple standing in the water, the woman is crying, because she knows what happens to those poor creatures―they're from the activist group by the way―and then this dolphin comes swimming towards them, and you can see the harpoon wounds on the poor animal's body. It drowns while trying to reach the couple. It's too disgusting for words what those people do. And then they happily feed the dolphin meat to school kids while the meat is tainted with mercury. Pretty fucked up, huh?"

I felt my insides squirm and doing somersaults in disgust. I placed my hand in front of my mouth, feeling bile rise in my throat. I swallowed hard, forcing my pizza back down to my stomach. Unfortunately I am an imagery thinker, and I could see the dolphins getting harpooned by those people in my mind. I do not know why it affected me so much; perhaps it was because I had never concerned myself to learn what happens in the world. I did know that whales got captured and put in tanks for people to look at and fawn over, but I did not know that dolphins got slaughtered on such a large scale.

"Are you OK?" Draco asked, looking away from the TV screen for the first time since I had come home.

"That is sick," I whispered. "I think I have to throw up." Just as those words left my mouth, I shot off the couch and ran for the bathroom where I lost my dinner. I felt someone behind me rubbing my back soothingly. My hair got pulled out of my face just as I threw up the last remains of that delicious pizza. I flushed the toilet and shakily got to my feet. I walked over to one of the sinks and rinsed my mouth with water to get rid of the bitter aftertaste. I held onto the sink, fighting off another wave of nausea and my breathing came out labored. I felt a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around my waist and I felt a body behind me.

"Just breathe," Draco murmured. He rubbed my belly, and fortunately it helped to calm me, though I winced slightly when his fingers brushed against the healing cuts. I had closed my eyes and breathed steadily through my nose while trying to keep the nausea at bay.

"That is without a doubt one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard," I whispered. "Who the hell kills dolphins?"

"Don't get a panic attack now, OK?" Draco said.

"I am not … panicking," I said, breathing faster through my mouth. I felt like someone was trying to squeeze the air out of my lungs and I could not get enough air.

"Hey, breathe through your nose, not your mouth," he said. I clutched one of his arms and forced myself to breathe through my nose, even though I felt like I would drown if I did not breathe through my mouth. Drowning dolphins … I gasped, drawing in a shuddering breath. My legs felt like they were made of jelly and tears sprang into my eyes. My heart beat wildly in my chest, but I could not get enough air. My legs gave away under my weight and I slowly slid to the tiled floor, bringing Draco down with me. I had never had a panic attack before, but I did not like it one bit. The only think I could think was: 'Need air! Need air!' "Harry," Draco said. "Close your mouth."

"Need air," I gasped.

"I know, but close your mouth," he said again. "Calm down. What did you and Seth talk about during your dinner?"

"Pizzas," I gasped out. "I wondered … what my first … vegetarian pizza … would taste like."

"And what do you think it tastes like?"

"Vegetables," I answered.

Suddenly Draco laughed behind me and started to rock our bodies together. Our sort-of-hugging position was rather snug actually, even though I could not think about it at the present moment. Later, I would recall how Draco had sat behind me; how he held me and I would envision a naughty scene in that very same position but then a little bit different. "What pizza did you order?"

"Cal-Calzone Special."

"Ah," he murmured. "That one's good, isn't it? Was the sunset pretty?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Is he a good kisser?" Draco asked curiously, if not coyly.

"None of your business," I said, feeling my breathing starting to slow again because of all this talking.

Draco chuckled in my ear and stopped talking. He probably noticed that my breathing turned a bit more normal. "This is a rather comfy position, isn't it?"

"Hmm," I agreed and closed my eyes while leaning back against his chest. It was indeed a very comfortable position. I felt like I could fall asleep in his arms. Even though I liked Seth a lot, I did not feel this pull to him that I felt with Draco. I felt an undeniable attraction towards him. Draco was the teasing type, I knew that and he had made a few inappropriate comments before, teasing comments, like he knew that I was hopelessly attracted to him, but that I would never be with that man. It was like he knew it and decided to tease me about it. I had already convinced myself to get over him, but then Draco would do something that made me doubt that decision. I had just discovered that Draco is a caring person and it felt wonderful to be taken care of by him, even if he was not interested in me except to be friends.

Embarrassingly enough, I had apparently fallen asleep in his arms, and I woke up a few hours later in my bed. The curtains were drawn and the room was dark. My cell phone told me that it was three o'clock in the morning. I sighed and turned over on my back. Then I realized that I only wore my pajama bottoms. The thought of Draco undressing me did some interesting things to my penis. I suppose I could indulge myself. It has been a long time since I touched myself down there and I felt a bit horny all of a sudden. I slid my pajama bottoms and my underwear down my calves and put the garments aside. I spread my legs, put one arm behind my head and let my free hand wander down to my penis. Images of Draco entered my mind, the way we sat on the bathroom floor, so comfortable I felt. Would Draco hold me like that if he made love to me? Would he prepare me thoroughly? I believe that Draco is as hung as a horse, however embarrassing that sounded to me. I have seen the man's crotch (through his jeans obviously) and I felt his package against my buttocks and I have reason to believe that that part of him is very well endowed.

Would I be able to take his erection inside me, I wondered?

Through all this thinking about Draco's penis, my own penis had started to get hard in my hand. I felt it pulsing with arousal, it grew bigger and harder as I thought about having Draco connect with me in the most intimate way. "Hmm," I moaned, wrapping my fingers around my hardening shaft. I slowly moved my hand up and down, pausing briefly to rub the sensitive head. This was the first time I fantasized about another man without feeling guilty. I suppose that was an improvement. I had never really looked down at myself when I fantasized, I had rarely seen my penis erect actually. I believe it was once or twice when I was a teenager and still new to masturbation. So I turned on the little lamp that stood next to me on the nightstand and I looked down at myself. It looked kind of … strange … All bulgy and those little veins popped up from out of nowhere. The most strange thing I found was the head though; it looked like a red mushroom with a little slit in the middle. And being circumcised the entire thing was visible whether I was aroused or not. I also noticed that I had little hair surrounding my pelvis, my testicles looked smooth, but when I touched the soft skin, I felt small, soft hairs there. I suppose I am just not a hairy person.

I gently trailed my fingernails across my shaft and spread my legs more to make myself comfortable. I had the strong urge to touch myself down there, to touch that small intimate and vulnerable spot, but surely that was disgusting, knowing what went out of there. Perhaps I would touch it under the shower when I had cleaned it. Would that be expected of me when a man wanted to make love to me? Would he tell me to clean myself first? But still, I was very curious, so I let my fingers go down lower and then I felt it; that small puckered opening and much to my disgust there were hairs down there. I shuddered. That was one major turn-off and I felt no need to continue stroking myself, so I put my underwear and pajama bottoms back on. Did everyone have that, or was it just me? Should I get rid of the hairs before anyone noticed I had them? Surely others would be as disgusted as I currently felt.

I turned over on my side and went back to sleep.

The following morning, I rolled out of bed, not having forgotten about my early morning and shuddered again when I recalled what I had felt down there. Hair. Disgusting. Suddenly my head snapped up. I had woken up only in my pajama bottoms. That meant that Draco (assuming he was the one who undressed me) saw all the scars on my belly, including the very recent ones. Oh, my God. What was I supposed to do? What if he asked me about them? Or perhaps he undressed me without the light on then he could not have seen them. I felt more assured at that and pulled my nightshirt on. Hermione was already drinking coffee and eating breakfast when I joined her in the living area.

"Morning," she said and took a sip from her coffee.

"Morning," I replied and smiled gratefully at her at the sight of fresh black coffee waiting for me.

"Are you alright after last night? Draco brought you to your room after you fell asleep on the bathroom floor."

"I figured as much," I said, trying hard not to think of the possibility that he could have seen my scars. "Tell him I said thanks if you see him."

"You can tell him that yourself, he's coming over at twelve, during his lunch break, to 'check up on you'," Hermione said and finished her coffee. "I know you like him as more than a friend. I hope you won't use Seth to forget about Draco."

"I am not using Seth," I said. "I like him and I enjoyed our date together. Besides, I do not even know Draco very well, what makes you say that I like him as more than a friend? I am not sure we are even friends."

"Oh come on," Hermione said, giving me a look. "I see how you look at him."

"Which is how? Hermione, the fact that he is six feet and ten inches tall cause a lot of people to stare at him, including me. I admit he is very handsome, but that is all, really."

"If you say so," Hermione said, though she did not look convinced. "Are you free today?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Jimmy is at the bookstore right now." Jimmy was my one and only colleague at the store. We would take turns in doing shifts so that both of us got to work and do other stuff besides standing in a bookshop all day. "This means that I have an entire day off and I have no idea what to do already."

"Why don't you call Seth?"

"He is at work," I answered, not minding that Hermione sounded sarcastic when she suggested that. "He said he would call me last night. He departed kind of quickly after he shoved his tongue down my throat."

Hermione chuckled. "You're such a different person than you were when you came here. You were such a stiff a few weeks ago. Don't worry, this new you is a lot nicer and more like us Yankees."

"I am sure that I still have a lot to learn," I grinned and watched her put her mug on the kitchen counter near the sink.

"By the way, it's your turn to do the dishes today," Hermione said. "I'm off to work, trying hard to ignore Ron's advances and I will try not to piss off my boss today."

"Why do you not just tell this Ron guy to beat it?" I wondered.

"Honey, Ron is the jock type; he sees everything as a game to be won, a competition. If he does not get what he wants, he'll cry about it like the sore loser he is. Well, have a nice day off, now. Bye bye."

"Bye," I said and watched the pretty woman leave our apartment. As soon as she had closed the door behind her, I lifted up my nightshirt and looked down at the many lines that decorated my flat belly. The scars were hardly noticeable in the daylight, but the recent cuts that were still in the process of healing did stand out. It had become an addiction; I would feel the urge to hurt myself and I would cut myself. I would get an erection; I would beat off while thinking about getting … fucked like an animal. It was only during those times that I would fantasize about getting fucked hard and rough. Anything to satisfy this need to get hurt, and that included hardcore sex.

After I would cut myself, I would thoroughly clean everything; the razor, my belly, the floor if necessary and I would throw the bloodied toilet paper into the toilet and flush it. I know that I would get found out if I used a towel, and that is the last thing I want. This is not about wanting to get attention (I know some do it to get people to feel sorry for them), this started because I loathed being different and I loathed the 'unnatural' feelings that I had. That was the first reason to start cutting myself, and I cut because it made me feel free. Later it became an addiction. I have started to cut my inner thighs, dangerously close to my penis, but that only added more heat and arousal to that thrill. I do not cut into my arms; those parts of my body are frequently naked.

Thinking about cutting, I felt the urge to do it. I finished my coffee, put the mug on the counter and went into the bathroom. I was all alone now, thank heaven, but I still locked the bathroom door. I took off all of my clothes and took the razor that I used specifically for cutting. I kneeled on the cold tiled floor and glanced down at the prominent lines of scars that were now better visible under the harsh, bright light in the bathroom. I trailed my fingers across those lines, across the old ones of years ago, and over the newest ones only a few days ago. My right inner thigh bore three cuts, and my left bore five. I spread my legs wide and softly trailed the sharp cutting edge of the razor across my entire inner thigh. And then I pressed the razor down, and cut. It is rather therapeutic. That first cut always got to me. Five minutes and ten cuts later, I had gotten hard. I do not know if it is the pain that does it, but I felt horny and aroused and I wanted to feel free. Thin lines of blood trickled down my legs, as I had assaulted both of them and then I gripped my throbbing erection in my bloodied hand. I thrust into my hand and then I reached behind me. I forced two bloodied fingers inside myself, something I had never done before, but it was the perfect thing to have done for I felt pain at that forceful intrusion. That was good. The hairs did not bother me at the moment, because I could not think straight. I supported myself on my left hand as I fell over on all fours, working my fingers deeper in. After a while, the pain lessened and my fingers slid inside more easily. My penis bounced up and down as I moved against my fingers, and with every bounce, a thin string of pre-ejaculation connected it with my belly. I cannot remember any sounds that I could have possibly made; I was so far gone that I would not even feel embarrassed if Draco would suddenly walk into the bathroom. I do remember that I sounded desperate to my own ears; desperate to be free, to feel the pain that would set me free.

And then I came. I looked down at my red and bulging penis as it spurted thick droplets of pearly white semen onto the bathroom floor. I took my fingers out of myself, noting they were almost devoid of any blood and milked my penis until every last bit of semen dripped out of the slit. The cuts still bled, my legs were covered in blood, I had just ejaculated and I was in heaven.

At some point after my killer orgasm, I had gotten off the cold floor and cleaned myself up. I had never had such a powerful orgasm before. Then I realized that Draco would be coming at twelve, so I quickly cleaned up, washed the blood from my legs and quickly got dressed. I cursed silently when I could not find a pair of jeans within my reach, and I was too anxious to search the room, so I quickly got dressed into shorts and a T-shirt. I brushed my teeth, glanced at my cell phone and read that it was a few minutes past twelve. I listened for any sounds but I did not hear anything besides my own irregular breathing. I was not down from my high yet as I entered the living room and found―much to my surprise and partial embarrassment―Draco sitting on the black sofa.

"That took you long enough," was the first thing he said. "I came in a few minutes ago, but you sounded like you were busy, so I left you alone. Listen, I want to talk to you."

My cheeks felt hot as I joined him on the fake leather couch. Could he have seen the scars after all? "Eh, what do you want to talk about?"

"First off, that meeting is on the fifth of June, so that's this Saturday. Seeing as how you reacted when I told you what 'the Cove' was about, perhaps you should sit out on watching the movie. Or, you could sit out on watching that scene. Sometimes people leave the room temporarily because they can't handle what they see on the TV screen, and it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, OK? You're not the only one who doesn't want to watch it. There are other activists who prefer not to watch those animals suffering, but they do watch it because it still happens to them, you know what I mean?"

"I am sure the visuals are worse," I murmured, feeling again queasy and sick to my stomach.

"They are," Draco nodded. "Now another thing I'd like to talk to you about is something I saw last night when I undressed you. How long have you been cutting yourself?"

I glanced at him, shocked and embarrassed at being found out by this one man that made my heart beat faster in my chest. "That is none of your business and none of your concern."

"How long?" he insisted.

"What do you care?" I snapped. "You are a friend of Hermione's, so why do you not concern yourself with her life? Why do you not keep that Ron at a safe distance? My life is none of your concern, Draco. We are not even friends. I know you think I am stupid with my little Bible and my going to the church on Sundays. Not everyone can be as good-looking as you are and have people fall at your feet whenever you wish them to. Some people actually have to wait for the right person to come along and I do not care if I have to wait my entire life for someone who will want me and who will not tease me endlessly."

"Wow," Draco said with raised eyebrows. "I don't have people falling at my feet."

"Right," I scoffed. Where had all that come from? I suppose I was frustrated about more than one thing that concerned Draco and his teasing. "I am surprised you have not yet turned into a snob with everyone commenting how gorgeous you are."

"Is it such a bad thing that I take pride in my looks?" Draco asked.

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest in a petulant way. "It does not matter. I want you to stop teasing me and stop making those inappropriate comments! It drives me nuts!"

"I'm only kidding," he said weakly.

"That is it exactly. You are only kidding, but that does not mean you can tell me how nice my butt looks and that you would like to fill it up!"

"You heard that?"

"Yes, I did! This apartment does not leave a lot of room for privacy, remember? God, I …" I groaned and looked down at my lap.

"Are you attracted to me?"

"What?" I squeaked.

"You heard me," he said. "Because if you are attracted to me, then yeah, I can understand why the teasing drives you nuts."

"I …"

"And what about Seth? Why do you go out with him if you're attracted to me? That isn't really fair to him, is it?"

"I go out with Seth because I like him," I said. "I enjoyed my date with him."

"Fine, whatever," Draco said and crossed his muscular arms over his broad chest. "Are you OK after last night? Did you have any nightmares?"

"No, thankfully I did not," I answered. "I felt so drained that I slept on until three o'clock in the morning. Thankfully I managed to keep my mind off of it."

"Good," Draco nodded. "Well, that's actually the only reason why I came here, so I'll be going back to work. See you later." The tall blond man got off the black sofa and went for the door. I watched him leave, cursing myself viciously at being found out about not only my cutting addiction but also about my small crush. I really did like Seth; he is good-looking, charming and very romantic and the date had been very nice. It was thoughtful of him that he had chosen a restaurant that was gay-friendly. To 'put me at ease', he had said. That is sweet, is it not? I am not using Seth to forget about Draco, because I will never forget that man because I see him quite frequently. I only mean to say that what I feel for Draco is shallow, and I will not let those feelings root themselves deeper in me, because that will only cause heartache. Someone like Draco will choose to date someone of his caliber, and I was not someone of his caliber. Perhaps Seth was not either, but he seemed interested in me, so why not? Draco had never shown an interest in me besides wanting to be my friend, and I am not even sure if he wants to be friends with me.

It also seemed like I was as transparent as glass; Hermione knew and now the man in question knew too. I hoped that Seth would not find out, for he might draw the wrong conclusions. And that is the last thing I want, so I hope Draco and Hermione will not blab away about me. They both seem like people who know a lot of people, and through gossiping Seth might hear of it. I would not tell Seth though; it did not seem necessary to me to tell Seth about my shallow crush since we only had one date yet and were not officially a couple or whatever Seth wanted us to be.

My day off proved to be boring the minute I got out of bed, well if you do not count my orgasm as eventful. I still blushed to the roots of my hair at the fact that Draco had heard me and obviously knew what I was doing. I had never been caught jerking off before, let alone by someone who made my heart beat just a little bit faster. Heck, I had never even been caught by my parents before! This trip to New York sure revealed a different side of me I did not know I had; I have become more outgoing and easy-going. I used to be as stiff as a board, but that has slowly been changing. I have also adjusted my wardrobe and I even got a compliment from Hermione once. That was nice, to be complimented about my appearance, since no one back in Virginia really did that. Thinking back, I realize what a bunch of prudes my old acquaintances and friends were, and what a prude I was. I am still a bit prudish, but not as much as in the beginning when I just arrived here. My parents would curse me to hell and back if they could see me now; however I am not planning on returning any time soon. I am having actual fun here; my friends are funny, and we do things friends do like watching a movie or playing a game. I did not do that a lot with my old friends. We would play perhaps a card game and then someone's parent would break it up because apparently we had been watching those gambling games and had brainwashed us. Yes, it was pretty bad back in Virginia. Everything that was a little bit out of the norm was considered brainwashing material. Absurd, is it not?

Though sooner or later I have to tell my parents that their son decides to be himself and wants to stay in New York; where he can be free.