February 1987

Rachel refused to talk about what happened before the holidays. Refused to discuss whether or not she had pregnant, refused to talk about a her car, refused to acknowledge any of it. It was as if the last half of 1986 did not exist in Rachel's mind. Monica had tried to talk to her about it but had given up. Rachel was back to her old, only nice to Monica in private or away from people who might judge her self, although Monica was quite surprised when Rachel agreed to go with her to volunteer in a soup kitchen in the city. When 1987 began, Monica had decided she wanted to volunteer. She wanted to help people and she was ecstatic when she got the opportunity to help feed the homeless at a soup kitchen. After about a month of volunteering, she had even decided to make it fancy and was so happy when the owners of the soup kitchen let her do it. She made filet mingnon and macaroni and cheese and potatoes and sausage. She felt that even though they were homeless, it didn't mean they couldn't eat nice. It was an unseasonably warm February, there was no air conditioning in the building but Monica didn't care. She happily served each person. Same couldn't be said for Rachel who stood, picking at her nails through latex gloves.

"It is so hot in here. Why doesn't someone turn on the air? It would probably help clear out the smell," Rachel whined.

"Rachel," Monica said as she spooned a helping of mashed potatoes on to a plate.

"What? It's called deodorant...or a shower," Rachel said.

"They're homeless," Monica said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever," Rachel said rolling her eyes.

"Why are you here?" Monica asked.

"Same reason you are, it'll look awesome on a college app."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Oh, it's why I'm here."

Monica shook her head as she continued to serve. Rachel could be obnoxious, she didn't care. She loved doing what she was doing. She had cooked all this food and was helping, she was providing care for others. Something so incredible about it. She didn't feel sad from being bullyed, she could forget about her weight, mean girls, everything. It felt cheesy but helping made her feel almost whole. She liked taking care of people.

She noticed the girl with the Lincoln High sweatshirt immediately. She was tall with long stringy blonde hair. She was standing and talking with a girl and two men. One of the men looked older and Monica wondered if that was her dad. Monica felt sad immediately looking at this girl There were homeless girls at Lincoln High, at her high school? Although she had never seen this girl at Lincoln High? Maybe she dropped out? That seemed horrible. The girl seemed about her age and she was homeless? Monica almost felt an urge to take her home immediately.

"Oh my G-d, Lincoln High?"

The blonde who had been staring at her tray jerked her head up and stared at her. Monica was grinning from ear to ear. She would have to find out more from the girl.

"Uhhhh..." the blonde said.

"Rachel, she went to Lincoln High," Monica said, looking at Rachel who was still engrossed in her latex gloves.

"Yeah, cool," Rachel said, letting out a sigh.

"When did you graduate?" Monica asked, thinking she'd have to go find a yearbook to see if she could look her up.

"I-uh...I didn't...this is my um...dad's," the blonde said, reaching for the arm of the older gentleman behind her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and smiled.

"That's my girl," the man said, which disappointed Monica slightly. She wasn't sure how many yearbooks there were in the library or how far back they went.

"Oh...well, okay...well, what would you like?" Monica asked

"Uh, does any of this food have meat in it?" The blonde asked which caused a loud, annoyed grunt from Rachel.

"Um...beggars can't be choosers," Rachel said. Monica's eyes widened as she glared at her. She really wished Laurie or Ellie had come with her. Rachel was horrible to this poor girl. Monica had purposely made vegetarian items so that there could be choices.

"Rachel. Forget my friend. These dishes right here do not have meat. I made them myself. macaroni and cheese, potatoes au gratin and potatoes with peas and onions...and these are the meat things...sausage and smoked salmon and oh, filet mignon," Monica said.

"Mon, why did you make that?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause Rachel just 'cause you're homeless doesn't mean you can't eat fancy," Monica said, trying very hard to hide her annoyance with Rachel. Instead she focused on giving food to the blonde and her friends. She waited until the blonde and her friends were out of earshot before turning to Rachel to express her feelings.

"Was that necessary?"

"They're homeless, what the fuck do they care what they eat? They should just be grateful they're getting fed," Rachel said.

"Go wait in my car if this is how you're gonna act. This is important to me," Monica said.

"Oh, no...no, not a chance in hell am I gonna wait your car. In this neighborhood, gross. Ugh. Never been so happy to ride in a Volvo. At least I know you we won't get murdered."

"Rach...come on," Monica said but was distracted by more people walking towards them in need of food, so Monica put Rachel's attitude out of her mind and continue to dish out food she made. Everyone seemed to love what she was making and people were complimenting her. It made her feel good. As she was spooning an extra large helping of mac and cheese to little boy, she heard a sound, a laughing sound. Monica looked up and noticed the blonde sitting with her friends. The blonde was laughing, this weird, other wordly sounding laugh that seemed to start from her nose and just sounded so bizarre. Monica looked over at Rachel and for a moment, a smile flashed across Rachel's face. Monica had never heard a laugh quite like that and she neither had Rachel.

"Wow," Monica said.

"Yeah, I know," Rachel said.

After all the food had been served, Monica, as well as the other servers, decided to mingle. Rachel had wanted to go home but Monica refused so Rachel tagged along. Monica walked towards the blonde and plopped herself down. Rachel sat beside her and began picking at her nails again and soon grabbed her compact mirror out of her pocket and began playing with her hair. Monica ignored her.

"Hi, I'm Monica and this is Rachel. We're juniors at Lincoln High. You went to Lincoln High?"

"Uh, yeah..." the older guy said, "A long time...back in...well, I don't wanna age me."

"Oh, ewww...what is wrong with you? Why are you talking to your hand?" Rachel asked glaring at a skinny man who was indeed talking to his hand. Monica glared at Rachel again. She shook her head and looked back at the blonde.

"You're a gem," the blonde said which made Monica smile a little. She liked that the blonde was being mean to Rachel.

"Fine. Mon, we have to go," Rachel said, slumping down in her seat.

"You made all this food? It's really good," the blonde said which made Monica smile.

"Yeah. I volunteer here a lot and I thought it would be a nice change of pace to make fancier food and...yeah, so I cooked stuff," Monica grinned.

"Thank you...you seem very sweet," the blonde replied.

"Thanks," Monica said.

"Uh, G-d...we have to go. We have to be back in Long Island in an hour. If we don't show up to Serena Waldorf's party tonight, she is so going to hook up with Chip. That will ruin me," Rachel said.

"Never mind her. She's just upset because Chip like to sleep with other girls when Rachel's not there," Monica said, shaking her head. Serena was new at Lincoln High. She was an exotic girl who had been away at a boarding school the first semester of junior year and had returned for second semester. Rachel hated her immediately but when she heard Serena was having a party, she had to go if only to protect Chip.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"What?" Monica asked, glaring at her. She was sick of Rachel. She wanted to talk to this girl with the most amazing sounding laugh she had ever heard. She learned that the girl's name was Regina Filange. Regina seemed amazing and her friends seemed even cooler. They told the most amazing stories and Monica did not want to leave, but soon she had to. She had to say goodbye and it made her feel sad. She wanted to know where Regina was going, she went as far as to invite Regina and her friends to the party which Rachel practically had a fit about. So they parted ways and Monica secretly hoped that maybe one day she would run into Regina again.

Driving back to Long Island, Monica could not stop talking about Regina and her friends. How happy Regina was, despite having nothing. She was inspirational and that laugh, G-d, that laugh. She had never heard a sound like that.

"I've never heard anyone laugh like that. I mean...it was so amazing and she was so happy and-"

"She was probably on drugs."

"Rach, come on."

"What? She was homeless. She's most likely homeless 'cause she's a drug addict and like she'll probably die of like some virus or whatever because that's what happens when you're a drug addict."

"She like our age and she was with her father."

"I doubt it. I bet it was her pimp. Look, she seems...weird and it's great they you felt all selfless and stuff...but she's a druggie. You will never see her again because drug addicts usually die and if that guy really was her father well that is just pathetic that he couldn't provide a better life for his daughter and that girl...okay fine, she has an awesome laugh but let's get real. Homelessness is something you bring on yourself. She's homeless because of an addiction or something her father is addicted to...they're just lazy."

"Wow...you're a horrible person."

"I am not. I'm being honest."

"You're honestly horrible."

"I'm not horrible. Really. I'm not. That was an amazing laugh," Rachel said.

"It was."

"I hope she doesn't die of drugs because people who laugh like that should live a long time," Rachel said, smiling a little.

"I'm not sure how to respond to that," Monica said, raising an eyebrow. Sometimes Rachel could say funny things.

"What? People who laugh like that make people happy so they should live a long time and not be addicted to drugs and die."

"Okay, then. I agree, I think," Monica said.

"Although, I don't really buy those stories. The ones she was telling us."

"Why not? You think she was lying?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"Because people who have really gone through serious stuff aren't gonna reveal themselves to stranger in a soup kitchen who is just doing this so it looks good on a college application."

"That's not why I did it Rachel."

"Yeah, well...I just wanna go to this party."

"Rachel?"

"What?"

"Last semester...were you pregnant? And did you have an abortion? A lot of people are saying you did-"

"Those people are assholes."

"You'd tell me if you did, right?"

"Of course," Rachel said.

There was a heavy silence in the car, broken only by Rachel reaching down and turning on the radio. Monica looked over at Rachel who was staring sadly out the window and Monica began wondering about something. Their friendship? They just seemed to be on different paths. The two of them. After senior year, would they continue being friends?

"Next year, it's gonna be our last year as friends, right?" Monica asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, giving her a look.

"We're seniors in high school next year and then we go to college. You're never gonna speak to me again...after we graduate?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Am I?"

"Yes. I just want to go to this party," Rachel said, reaching for her purse and pulling out her make up bag. She flipped down the visor and opened the mirror and turned on the mirror light. She began to reapply make up as they drove the rest of the way in silence.

Monica kept thinking about Regina. Regina seemed so brave, so fearless. She could laugh in the face of all the horribleness that had gone on, regardless of whether or not she had made up the stories the truth was that Regina still was homeless. She wondered where Regina was sleeping that night and telepathically sent out messages for her to stay warm.

"Stop," Rachel said.

Monica looked confused. They were still several blocks from Serena's house, but Monica did as told and pulled over to the side of the road. Rachel grabbed her stuff and got out, looking back in at Monica.

"Sorry, hon...I can't be seen pulling up in a Volvo station wagon. Too embarrassing. I'll see you inside," Rachel said, as she slammed the door shut and walked off. Monica watched as Rachel disappeared around the corner. She shook her head and then made a three point turn and drove off in the opposite direction of Serena's house. She'd go back. She had to go back eventually. She had to pick up Rachel, but later. She kept driving. She remembered something that Regina's friend had said towards the end of their night, "off to the junkyard". Monica wondered if she could track Regina down, but what junkyard? She kept driving. She reached the soup kitchen and wondered if it was possible that it was a junkyard in the area. It had to be. They walked. It took awhile as Monica no clue where she was but she soon drove past a dark lot and stopped. She was there, Regina. One of Regina's friends lit a barrel on fire and her and her friends were standing around it to keep warm. She was laughing while someone handed her a bottle which she downed. Monica wished she could get closer but thought maybe it best she didn't. How could Regina be happy with so little? She admired that. In the face of everything awful, she was happy. Monica wanted to be like that. She wanted to be happy despite pain. She watched as one of the friends reached into his pocket and pulled out something. He put it in the fire and Monica could soon tell it was a candle. Regina smiled, leaned in and blew it out. It was her birthday. It was Regina's birthday and she was still making wishes. Monica wondered how old she was and she wished she could celebrate with her. Monica's mind was whirling staring at her and she knew she had to get back. Back to her home in Long Island. Back to that party with all the high school drama. All of it seemed so ridiculous now.

"Thank you," Monica whispered as she backed away and headed back onto the freeway to drive back to the party. Once there, she parked and walked in. Rachel was sitting on Chip's lap, drunk. The two were making out. Monica rolled her eyes as she walked in.

"Where have you been?" Will asked, walking up to her with Laurie and Ellie on either side of him. Ross was standing near Ellie.

"I was at the soup kitchen. I met the most amazing person," Monica said as her face lit up. She looked at her brother and friends and motioned for them to follow her. She walked outside towards the pool area and sat on the pool deck.

"Now where you again?" Ross asked. "I was worried and was gonna ask Rachel but then she told me to leave her alone and called me an idiot...so I left."

"And this is the woman you love?" Will asked.

"You love Rachel?" Ellie asked.

"No, I don't." Ross said.

"Awww, Ross and Rachel sitting in a tree," Ellie said.

"No, I don't-" Ross said.

"First comes love, then comes marriage...then comes the baby in the baby carriage," Laurie said.

"Why did you have to finish it? So annoying," Ellie said.

"Okay, no, I do not love Rachel. We are never going to get married and we will never have a baby...it's just...she's pretty," Ross said.

"She has a penis," Will said.

"And Ross dreams of taking off her pants and finding out," Laurie said.

"Ewww, okay, listen...can I say something? I met...okay, her name is Regina Filange and she and her friends are amazing and they are so brave and inspirational and I...I mean..." Monica said.

"Are you in love with her?" Laurie asked.

"No. But it was really cool, you know, seeing people who have nothing and yet seeing them so happy and...none of this stuff matters. It was amazing. I feel...just in awe of it."

"Wow. Deep. So now can we talk about how your brother wants to bone Rachel," Laurie said.

"Ewww, no," Monica whined.

"I do not want to bone Rachel, ever. Really. Okay...I think she's pretty, but you know, I think my mom is pretty but I don't-" Ross said.

"Please don't finish that sentence," Monica said.

"I find Rachel attractive. That is all," Ross said.

"She did have an abortion," Laurie said.

"You know what? I don't care. Rachel can just...I don't care. She...no, tonight was amazing and Ellie and Laurie...you are both coming with me next time. Rachel is not coming with me. Ever."

"Really? What did Rachel do?" Ellie asked.

"Just...well...thinking about others and saying nice things about them? That's not really her thing," Monica said. It was the nicest thing she could think of to say about Rachel at the moment. She really didn't want to say much else. She decided right then and there that no matter what she did when she was older, it would always involve helping others. It just made her feel so fantastically wonderful.

Monica was now sitting in on one of the pool chairs with Ellie and Laurie on either side of her. The three girls were sipping red wine as they did a running commentary on what was going on at the party. Ross and Will had disappeared somewhere but she wasn't too worried. She was having way too much fun.

"Wait, there's Nancy," Ellie said, "unfortunately, it doesn't seem like she's gone shopping since she was four."

"Oh, G-d. Poor thing," Monica laughed.

"Or maybe she just doesn't like to buy clothes that cover her boobs. Some girls don't like that," Laurie said.

"I just really want Nancy to get fat," Monica mused as she took a sip of her wine. "I want her to get super fat and know what it feels like to be called a cow."

"Oooo, look...Mindy. Mindy's a creep," Laurie said.

"Oh, yeah. She's obsessed with Rat Face," Ellie said. "Do you notice every time Rat Face says something, Mindy goes, 'Rachel, that's so amazing. You're so brilliant.'"

"Yes, I have noticed that. It's creepy," Monica said.

"I heard she put a Tootsie roll in her pants after she heard about Rat Face being a hermaphrodite and having a Tootsie roll sized penis," Laurie said. Monica and Ellie looked at her in stunned silence as Laurie took a sip from her cup of red wine.

"Monicow," Chip stumbled towards them, clearly wasted as he could keep his eyes open.

"Yeah, Chipper," Monica groaned.

"Rachel wants you," Chip said.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Rachel's like crying and shit upstairs and she's like, 'I wanna Monicow'...she's so totally wasted," Chip said.

"So you left her alone to get me?" Monica asked.

"Ehhh, okay...Nance," Chip yelled, walking off towards Nancy. Monica watched as he placed an arm around her and gave her a kiss. Monica rolled her eyes and got up.

"Where are you going?" Laurie asked.

"To find Rat Face...I mean, Rachel."

"Seriously? You know, you could be drunk and puking in the pool and she wouldn't help you," Ellie said.

"I know. I'll be right back," Monica said.

"She doesn't deserve your friendship," Ellie said.

"I know that too," Monica said as she let out a sigh and made her way back into the house. It did make her sad. Ellie was right. Rachel didn't deserve her friendship, but she knew Rachel was broken inside. She knew Rachel was sad and just like Regina, she wanted to fix her, fix Rachel.

She walked up the stairs and found Rachel lying on a bed, crying, holding tightly onto a pillow. She was very drunk as Monica walked towards her, gently touching her leg. Rachel sat up and stared at her.

"I'm a really, really bad person."

"No, you're not Rach."

"I am. I did something really, really bad...I am like a coyote. Like the coyote in the cartoon."

"What?"

"Nothing. I just...I did something bad."

"Rachel," Monica said.

"I wish I could've done this all different. I wish that...I'm sorry."

Monica smiled as she touched Rachel's hair and gently hugged her. She knew what Rachel was referring to, she didn't need to say anything. She knew Rachel was admitting to the abortion. She didn't think she needed to press further.

"It's okay."

"Mon, can you promise me something?"

"Anything, what?"

"Never stop being my friend. You're the only one that I have."

"That's not true...you got Nancy and Mindy and-"

"They suck. Promise?"

"I promise. Rachel, I will always be your friend. Always," Monica said and in her head, she added, 'even if you stop being mine'. Rachel smiled at her as the two girls shared a hug. It was such a complicated friendship but it seemed no matter how complicated it got, Monica could not find it in herself to ever truly hate Rachel Green. She just knew she had to stick it out, to remain her friend and hopefully one day Rachel would return the favor.