New chapter! Once again; apologies for taking so long. Please read and review.
Chapter 7: Hysteria
"Luke," I pant relieved as he rubs his eyes tiredly.
"Lorelai, what are you…" he has no time to finish his sentence as I step over the doorstep and wrap my arms tightly around him, my face buried in his chest and I continue to cry, only now they are tears of happiness.
"Hey, hey," Luke says soothingly, using one hand to close the door, and the other to run through my hair, "What happened?"
"I was just… And you… And it looked so real…" my muffled voice tries to explain.
"Okay, calm down," Luke says as he gently takes both sides of my face and forces me to look up at him. "Calm down, and tell me what's wrong."
"Mommy?" Elly asks confused coming from the stairs I'm facing, rubbing her eyes with her fists the same way her father had done. I divert my eyes from Luke's dark blue orbs and focus them on Elly. I realize I must look awful and I finally pull myself back together, before I quickly avert my face.
"It's okay, El," Luke says as he turns around, leaving one hand on my shoulder, "Go back to bed."
"Why is Mommy crying?" Elly asks, taking a step further down the stairs.
"Elly, can you please do Mom and Dad a favor and go back to your room so we can talk?" Luke asks trying to keep calm.
"Okay," Elly nods and she turns back upstairs. Somewhere in the distance I can hear her whisper something to Abby, but I can't hear what.
"Come on," Luke orders me into the living room and sets me down on the sofa, "I'll get you a cup of coffee. You look like you need one."
"Thanks," I whisper, staring at his retreating back and I notice the familiar grey jogging bottoms and bottle green shirt he always wears as his pajamas. I stand up on wobbly legs and follow him to the kitchen. When I see him handling the coffee machine as if he's at work in the diner, I clear my throat and he looks at me. "I'm sorry. I woke you, didn't I?"
Luke turns the coffee machine on and faces me again. He shrugs his shoulders, "Nah, I was just reading in bed. I can't sleep in, you know that."
A small smile creeps onto my face. "You were reading?" I ask him perplexed, "You were reading? Like, an actual book?"
Luke rolls his eyes at me, "Yeah, an actual book," he answers dryly.
"What book?"
"Just some Stephen King novel. Nothing special."
"Ha! I cannot believe this. Since when do you read books? You never read books before."
"Yeah well, things change."
At these words, my smile disappears from my face and I'm done mocking him. I look down at my feet as I mumble, "Right, things change."
Luke sighs and folds his arms in front of his chest, "You wanna tell me what's going on now, or do you wanna wait for your coffee?"
I swallow, "I just, eh… I had a nightmare and I let myself get carried away with it. Obviously," I snort.
Luke nods. "What was it about?" he asks calmly.
"Uhm, well-eh, you died, and it, you know, it looked so real," I stumble, knowing how idiotic it sounds to come here early in the morning, wake everyone up, crying hysterically over a dream.
Luke spreads his arms. "Still here. Alive and kicking," he says with a smile.
"Thank God," I breathe.
Luke turns back around and opens a cabinet to grab a mug. As he pours my steaming hot coffee, I break the silence carefully. "Did you have any plans for this morning?"
"Not really," Luke tells me as he hands me the cup and motions for me to walk back towards the living room, "We usually take a little walk before I drop the girls off at your place."
"A walk?" I question alarmed as I take place on the sofa while Luke drops down on the plaid comfy chair.
Luke looks at my shocked face and smirks. "Yeah, you know the thing where you put one foot in front of the other, outside in the cold, actually doing a little workout," he explains as if I'm some kind of idiot.
I roll my eyes at him, but don't comment on him teasing me. Instead I look down into the steam that's flowing upwards from my coffee, and whisper, "Please stay home today."
I feel Luke's eyes on me and I know he's confused, but I keep staring at my coffee. "Why?" I hear him ask.
"That's what happened in my dream. You were walking," I explain, looking back into his eyes to show him how serious I was.
Luke smirks again, "You think you had some kind of premonition or something?"
"No. I don't know. Maybe," I say with a nervous sigh. "Probably not. I mean, this is nothing like Sandra Bullock had. My days are still in the right order and you didn't actually die. The two daughters thing does kinda match though. I believe they are even around the same age. Oh my God, that is creepy. I should tell Elly to stay away from glass," I rant.
"What on earth are you talking about," Luke asks, even more confused than before.
"Premonition? The movie? With Sandra Bullock?" I take pauses between every question, but when Luke still looks at me with a look saying he has no idea what I'm talking about, I give up. "Never mind," I mumble. "Just… Don't go out today, okay? In case it is a premonition, just stay here this morning. I'll take the girls with me, so you can stay right here, safely."
Luke sighs and shakes his head. I know he doesn't believe in any of that 'superstition crap', but he agrees with me. "Whatever helps you sleep at night," he tells me, before he leans comfortably back against the chair.
"Thank you," I say sincerely, before silence once again washes over us.
"Well, I should probably help the girls get ready so you can take them with you," Luke says, tiredly pushing himself off of the chair.
As he walks towards the door to the hallway, I also stand up. "Luke, wait!" I call from my standing position by the sofa and Luke stops and turns around, patiently waiting for me to continue. "I think it's time you and I had a little chat, don't you?"
"About what?" Luke asks, but I know damn well he knows what it's about.
"Luke…" I sigh, but he doesn't give any indication of knowing what I'm talking about. I sigh again loudly. "I think we should talk about the other night," I say and I immediately feel relieved that I'll finally have some answers. "I know you need time to think about things. Well, you had a week. It's time we talk."
Luke walks back towards the chair and mutters under his breath, "So much for 'no strings attached'."
"Excuse me?" I say, immediately annoyed.
"Nothing," Luke says dismissively.
"Come on, Luke. We had been married for almost nine years. We have two daughters. You and I both knew when we got into it that 'no strings attached' is not possible with such a big history."
Luke rolls his eyes. "Okay, so, what do you want to talk about exactly?"
"I want the truth."
"The truth?" he repeats confusedly, "The truth about what?"
"About what that night meant to you," I tell him, more confident than I'm feeling.
Luke looks at me with big eyes. "I really don't know, Lorelai," he trails off, staring at his fingers, which are removing an invisible little piece of lint from his right knee.
I look at him and I know he's lying. He does know how he feels about that night, but it seems as if he finds it too humiliating for him, or perhaps too offending towards me, to say it out loud, so I try to make it easier on him. "Was it simply fulfilling your needs?" I ask, nervous that the answer might be 'yes'.
"Geez, Lorelai! No!" he says and he finally looks at me, "I'm not like that. You know I'm not like that."
I let out a sigh of relief and I nod in agreement. "So, then," I say slowly, hoping he will continue, but he doesn't, "Was it a final goodbye to you and me?"
Luke sighs deeply and rubs his eyes. He takes his time to answer. "I wish," he says softly.
"You wish?" I ask confused.
Luke stands up and starts pacing the room. I follow him with my eyes. "I'm sorry, Lorelai. I'm so sorry," he tells me, "I never should have slept with you. I wasn't thinking and then it was too late. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't and I'm really sorry."
A knot forms in my throat. "Was it really that bad?" I ask in a choked up voice.
"What?" Luke stops pacing and looks at me again, "No! Of course not! It was great. You and me, we've always been great at that." I smile sadly at him, remembering the good old days. "It's just…" he continues as he sits down on the table right in front of me, "It wasn't fair of me. Having sex with you wasn't fair towards you, and I'm sorry." He rubs his hands tiredly over his face again.
I sigh and I pull his hands from his face, forcing him to look up at me. "I'm a big girl, Luke. Besides, I led you on, not the other way around. At least you're being clear now."
Luke takes a deep breath. "I just hope I didn't give you false hope, or something," he told me awkwardly and shamefully.
I smile sadly at him, before casting my glance on my lap. "You really don't love me anymore then," I state in a hoarse voice.
Luke is quiet for a little while, doubting how to answer. Eventually he whispers, "I do," and my head shoots up so fast I'm surprised I didn't give myself whiplash.
"What?" I ask dumbfounded.
"I do love you," Luke answers seriously, "That's why I did it."
I feel a slight tingle in my stomach, but I'm utterly confused. "I don't understand," I tell him and he sighs, "You love me, and I love you, but there is no hope for us? Why?"
"Love has never been the problem, Lorelai. I've always loved you. I probably always will," Luke says honestly.
"Then what exactly is the problem?" I ask carefully. I'm pretty sure he's going to say he's still hurt from when I slept with Christopher two years ago, but I have to know for sure.
"Trust," he says, casting his eyes down.
"Trust," I repeat dully.
"I trust you as a friend, and with our children of course," Luke explains, "Just not…" he pauses a second, "In a relationship," he trails off apologetically.
I scoff. "Luke… It's been two years. I've barely been with another man since. I think I've proven you can trust me," I try hopefully, "If only you can find a way to forgive me."
Luke simply shakes his head and stands up. He turns his back towards me and he starts walking away, but he stops when he's standing next to the chair he had occupied before. He shifts on his feet a few times before finally making a decision and turning towards me again. I look at him expectantly. "You don't even realize it, do you?" he asks, a sharp tone in his voice.
"Realize what?" I want to know, desperately trying to keep my patience.
"That you did it again!" Luke throws out angrily, making a hand movement in my direction.
"Did what again?" I ask through clenched teeth.
"Oh come on, Lorelai. You know damn well what I'm talking about."
"I damn well don't!" I throw back as I stand up defiantly and cross my arms in front of my chest, staring angrily back at him. "Just tell me already!" I yell hysterically at him when he remains quiet.
Luke's cheeks have gone red and I wonder if it's from anger or from embarrassment. His stand shows me he's embarrassed though. He casts his eyes down and puts his hands awkwardly in the pockets of his grey jogging bottoms, causing his shoulders to slump forward a bit. "Weren't you with that Max guy?" Luke asks softly.
"Max?" I ask confused, "You're mad at me for dating Max?"
"Of course not," Luke sighs, "You can date whoever you want and I'm not mad."
I stare at him for a few seconds, my mouth open as my brain tries to form the information into one coherent package. "Okay, I'm lost," I conclude as I drop back down on the couch and I trail my hands through my hair.
"Last week, when we…" Luke trails off, pointing his hand several times between himself and me. I nod my understanding. "Weren't you with Max when you slept with me?"
"Oh," I say sadly when I finally understand what he's saying. He thinks I cheated on Max with him. He thinks we cheated. "That's different," I explain.
"How?" Luke asks, "Because you already knew it wasn't going to work out between you two?Because you aren't married?"
I know these are accusations, but I take a deep breath and try to not let myself get riled up again. "Because we were never exclusive," I say calmly.
"You were dating," Luke didn't give up.
"Yes, but it was casual. I have never invited him into my house. I've never been to his house either. We simply went out a few times, took things slowly. We were never boyfriend/girlfriend. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't mean anything to me," I try to convince him.
"That still doesn't make it okay," Luke says and I drop my head in defeat. "Did you break up with him afterwards?" he continues interrogating me.
"N-no," I admit, "But I will. It's not going to work out between us anyhow, so…"
Luke simply nods.
"This has nothing to do with you and me, Luke. You can't use it against me."
"I'm not using it against you. I'm just stating the facts," Luke grumbles.
"Okay…" I say slowly. "Well, it's clear now. You and I won't ever get back together. Move on, Lorelai. I guess I should have known that from the divorce, right?" I say rhetorically, suddenly feeling very tired. I stand up and I walk towards the door that connects the living room to the entrance hall. With my hand on the handle, I ask, "You mind if I go up, help the girls get ready, and take them home now?"
"I don't mind," Luke says surprised at my sudden change of subject, still standing in the same spot he was before.
Several minutes later, I walk back down the stairs with Elly and Abby following me. They are laughing loudly at something I have just said, announcing our presence on the ground floor to Luke.
I open the door to the living room and immediately spot Luke sitting on the couch, a cup of tea in his hands. When he sees me, he puts his cup down and walks into the hallway.
"So remember," I tell him as I open the front door, "You promised not to go outside this morning."
Luke nods at me and I exit the house, leaving Luke to say goodbye to his daughters. Standing outside by myself, I feel lonely, cold and empty. I'd had hope. Ever since the divorce, I still had hope, but that was completely gone now. The talk that was undoubtedly going to happen was supposed to bring us closer together, maybe even reconcile us, but it hadn't and that stings. I feel the pain deep inside me, but I also feel just a tiny bit of relief. At least now I can finally move on with my life.
Thanks again, Niamh, for taking some time to beta this and the next chapter. I know how busy you are and it means a lot.
